advice for a new Dom

advice for a new Dom (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

subbiejenn -> advice for a new Dom (9/30/2004 6:33:17 PM)
Hi, I know a Dom who wants to learn but seems to be only thinking inside the "sexual" Box of BDSM. How can i explain to Him how D/s means more? How can i explain that He needs to gain the submissive trust before she submits (obeys) Him? Any suggestions here to tell a learning Dom will be appreciated :) i know there are many wonderful Doms in CM Boards who truly do understand what it means to be Dom/Master. Thanks! ~jenn~

cheeba0228 -> RE: advice for a new Dom (9/30/2004 7:11:05 PM)
Is it that it means more than just sexual, or is it rather that it means more to you. If his kink starts and stops at the bedroom who's to say how he should adjust. So my advice would be for the two of you to talk and find out what it means to each of you so you both can understand where each other is comming from. I personally prefer the emotional well being that comes with caring after another, but for some its just a sexual thing. And if your wanting to gain his trust before submitting sexually then you need to explain that to him. As a suggestion just tell him that you are looking for more than a sexual adventure and that you want it to be a part of a lifestyle. I think the best route is usually the direct route.

sub4hire -> RE: advice for a new Dom (9/30/2004 9:10:25 PM)
quote: How can i explain to Him how D/s means more? How can i explain that He needs to gain the submissive trust before she submits (obeys) Him? I agree with Cheeba. Take it slow. Communicate. Usually sexual relationships that are purely sexual don't last very long. Is that all he wants is a bondage roll in the hay? Or does he want more? Trust is earned. Most know that don't they? Respect is earned. Perhaps suggest if he is serious about the lifestyle he finds a mentor?

happypervert -> RE: advice for a new Dom (9/30/2004 9:14:33 PM)
If you have to ask here, it would seem he isn't listening to you. Perhaps he might "get it" if he heard it elsewhere. One idea would be to point him to some web pages written by submissive women. That way he may realize that it isn't just you that feels that way, and that if he is really a dom then he should expect to encounter women like you routinely.

subbiejenn -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 4:46:57 AM)
Well i guess a little background would help here... This Man i speak of is actually my husband for 14 years, however W/we have been separated for 2 years and were unhappy for at least 3 of the years before that. In that 5 years i started reading and learning about BDSM and with the thought the last 2 years that W/we are going to be divorce experiencing BDSM also. Just recently my Husband has expressed He wants to learn what it is i want in a Husband/Man so i showed Him www.castlerealm.com to begin with and just said read that and You will see what i want. At this time did not take Him serious at all but He did read it and has been trying to learn. Communication has always been one of O/our biggest problems along now with trust. I keep trying to explain to Him the mental side and the emotional side that i need. His only way to express Himself to me is sexual and always has been. i don't think He will have a problem growing as a Dom sexually but i worry He can not give me what i need emotionally. I worry He only sees it as He tells me what to do and i obey Him. I don't think He gets the TPE of it all. i am 100% happier since He has moved out and 100% happier with myself and sure don't want to go back to that depressed unhappy person i was so i am scared to really commit to trying to teach Him. Right now i can't totally submit to Him and i tried to explain to Him why. As far as Him getting a Mentor i don't think i could ever talk Him into that. That was my first thought was have Him talk to a Dom i know. I did get Him in a yahoo group i belong to which is local group that has Meet N Greets but He has already said He doesn’t want to attend any of these. i know no one can help me decide if i love Him still, if i can trust Him or gain the respect for Him i need. What i want to do right now is get Him to understand i need to emotional/Mental side of BDSM and if He doesn’t want that side maybe it is better W/we finish the divorce. i have tried to explain it to Him and He says He understands but all i see is Him wanting the sexual. i am scared to commit to Him and really try to only be hurt again... Also i have been talking with a Dom who i do find perfect in everything i want and need but He is also in middle of a divorce, 4 hours away, has custody of His 3 kids so hasn't left much time for U/us to grow together. I don’t want to lose Him while I try to figure out if my husband can be the Man I want but if I do try with my husband again I will have to stop talking with Him and totally commit to trying. Blah … I am really bad at making decisions – is why I need that Dom I trust, respect and love to make them for me! Any advice is much appreciated! ~jenn~

NoCalOwner -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 6:25:51 AM)
Do you think that he is a BDSM person who is just now finding his kink, or a fairly vanilla person who wants to get back with his ex and is willing to learn a few BDSM trappings in order to try to facilitate that?

subbiejenn -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 7:30:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner Do you think that he is a BDSM person who is just now finding his kink, or a fairly vanilla person who wants to get back with his ex and is willing to learn a few BDSM trappings in order to try to facilitate that? Sexual W/we were always a little kinky but not to any extreme. i always liked to be tied up and spanked, just didn't call it BDSM. My interests have grown and there is more i need and want and i can see Him experimenting and enjoying things sexual. i don't however see Him as a Sadist and giving me true pain. sighs i think right now He is interested in BDSM, wants to get back with me but i am not sure how to convey to Him in what i need as a Dom. How do i tell Him about the mental and how to make me FEEL submissive to Him. i am not sure if He can ever be what i need in a Dom or how to go about finding out. 14 years of marriage is hard to just throw away when W/we have 2 kids who push for U/us to be back together. I've meet a few Doms offline and only 2 have given me the feelings i love mentally. My Mentor when i walk in His office i can FEEL His dominate presence and i just want to drop to my knees with just one look from Him. I love that feeling but how do i get Him to be able to do that to me? Or can i? ~jenn~

ModeratorSix -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 7:35:20 AM)
Hi jenn, I would normally go three counties out of my way to avoid a minefield like this, but you are an exemplary participant here and deserve whatever we can give you, I think. His potential as a dominant man aside, Jenn, you and he have patterns of behaving toward one another that will be extremely hard to break. He would have a far better shot at becoming someone else's dominant than he does at becoming yours. Similarly, you have a far better shot at being a successful sub for someone else than you would have to be his. When people divorce, it is often because the patterns of behaving toward one another that they have developed in such a way that they lead to mental/emotional states that are unacceptable to one or both. These patterns are habits, not unlike smoking, that you will just slip into unconciously whenever you are with him. It's like a groove that has worn in the relationship between you, and unless you are extremely careful to avoid that groove, you'll find yourself traveling down it without even noticing how you got in it. The point that I am making above is that, if it's just the two of you that know about your D/s relationship, and you aren't part of a community, or if he doesn't have a mentor, your probability of success is very low. Without others holding up a mirror to both of you constantly so that you can see how you're doing through some objective eyes, you're most likely going to slip right back into the same old patterns that you're trying to escape. So, knowing that, you have to do some risk/reward assessment. The risk is high. What's the reward? Is the potential reward of having hubby as your master far greater than having the other man, or is hubby just the "devil you know", and as such represents the path of least resistance for you? Take a minute and write down all the advantages that there would be if hubby could be your master, then, in light of the risks involved, ask yourself if it's a risk worth taking. I hope this helps. Mod6

sweetpleaser -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 7:57:32 AM)
I don't know, Jenn, that's a tough one. How do you make someone Dominant if it just isn't them? I have a child as well and understand the dilemma you are going through. You have to think to yourself, does he have it in him to really change and have it stick? It sounds like he is hesitant to really learn more. I know you had found someone in the lifestyle and you were happy. Kids are resilient; I believe they need happy parents even if they are separated than to have unhappy parents who live together. JMO. Gool luck to you in whatever course you choose. Sincerely, ann

subbiejenn -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 8:05:25 AM)
It's kind of funny because i have had that thought, that i could be submissive for someone else before Him. Right now i can not imagine me calling Him Sir, Master or anything like that. Even so i mean it and think it is a great thing when talking to other Doms i know (never used Master for i haven't had one) i feel silly even thinking about calling Him Sir. I guess this is because lack of respect for Him. i think i would just giggle if i kneeled before Him and these are things i take very serious if i do them. i am very worried things will go back to how they were. i was miserable and had very low self esteem i don't want to go back there ever again. My Mentor and this other Dom (Scott) i have been seeing make me feel good about myself and i have changed 100% in past 2 years. i have respect for them both even so in different ways because my feelings for them both differ. My Mentor i feel is a great Dom and friend. i care for Him deeply but Scott i have regular Vanilla feelings for on top of the D/s ones. I respect Him as a Dom and as a Man,(so much in common) i can see U/us together and making each other very happy but not in the near future. Guess i am just scared... scared of changes... scared of hurting my kids more... scared of making the wrong decision. Greg has changed a lot since W/we broke up and has become 100% better father for the kids but that doesn’t solve O/our problems. Wish there was a easy answer but i guess there isn't. Thanks Mod6 for posting, i think You really do understand my fears and i will make that list!

sub4hire -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 8:09:28 AM)
I have to agree somewhat with Mod 6 here. It doesn't really sound like a lifestyle problem. Marriages break up because both parties don't want to go the distance to fix them. When a single person does they end up frustrated in the end. So, I believe he needs to decide if he wants you in his life. If he will commit to working on it. Instead of false promises. He has to accept you for who you are. If you listen to yourself. You're basically saying he isn't and won't. You just have'nt listened yet. I'd suggest marriage counseling. Perhaps when they lay it on the table he may realize there are serious issues. Good Luck.

subbiejenn -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 8:10:29 AM)
Thx ann... i always thought that it is better i am happy with someone else then unhappy with thier dad but now with Him trying to learn it is hard to say No! Since He is making a effort to fix things makes it hard for me to be the bad guy i guess and say i don't want to even try, but if i try i lose Scott. [:(]

happypervert -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 8:57:19 AM)
What strikes me about your clarifying posts is how you describe yourself as having been miserable with him and now happy without him. Though he is making efforts to improve, that may only mean you won't be as miserable as before; it doesn't mean that will be magically transformed into someone who will make you happy. You might want to consider the possibility that you (and maybe both of you) are grasping at straws here.

Estring -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 9:25:23 AM)
It seems to me that the problems between you two go past his lack of understanding BDSM. Trust and communication are needed in any type of relationship. Just because he "gets" BDSM doesn't mean he will necessarily be a better husband. It sounds to me like you are trying to put something back together that was never there in the first place.

January -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 11:38:41 AM)
jenn, I have to agree with many of the other posters. Stop worrying about whether or not you can call your husband master or sir. Your real problem is this: can you regard him as a husband? Gloria's suggestion of counseling sounds like a great idea. Even if you were to magically have a great D/s relationship with your husband, given your past and kids and life, it won't be 24/7. The vanilla parts of your marriage had better be awesome before you even consider the further trust and intimacy that D/s or SM requires. Your statement about the feelings your mentor invokes in you (wanting to fall on your knees with one look from him) is interesting. Is that what you are looking for in a potential mate? If so, I don't think it's a good idea. That rush of excitement in submission is the D/s analog of love at first sight. I think feeling natural affection for a dominant is way more important than feeling overpowered. Liking someone is a better indicator of long-term compatibility than worshiping someone... IMO. January

subbiejenn -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 12:14:48 PM)
quote: Your statement about the feelings your mentor invokes in you (wanting to fall on your knees with one look from him) is interesting. Is that what you are looking for in a potential mate? I have to get to work but did want to answer this one thing... It’s not all i want in a mate but something i like to feel. my Mentor hasn't ever been more to me then that but i love His Dominate presence. Now Scott that i spoke of is different in that i have feelings for Him in and out of BDSM. W/we have a natural connection, W/we get along in the vanilla world as well as the lifestyle. O/our problem are - distance, families and just plain life i guess. i don't think anything said here is things i didn't know, just things i hate to admit maybe and want to overlook. My husband and I didn’t have a great marriage at the end but W/we were happy for the first 9 or 10 years. Just don’t know if W/we can go back there now or if it is too late. So much has happened and W/we have both changed. Thanks E/everyone for the advice, outlooks and suggestions.

Mercnbeth -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 12:23:17 PM)
jenn, Sex and his focus on it makes much more sense knowing your past relationship with this man. It may be something as basic as that what he expects, or even that's what he expects you expect. It is no easy task to educate someone regarding the mental and spiritual side of a M/s or D/s relationship. I would think that there must me some foundation or inherent ability to dominate within a person. But, having the desire to learn is a good foundation to build upon. That recognition that he needs to learn indicates that he already resigned to the fact that he doesn't know. Sometimes that is the hardest hurdle to overcome. Appreciate that people learn in different ways. you're fortunate to know the man for 14 years. How does he accomplish things? When putting something together does he read the instructions completely before starting, read them as he goes, tosses the instructions and just builds is, or looks at the completed picture and figures it out? Maybe it's a combination of ways. you've given him a written reference with castle realm, but where does he go to apply what he read, or better yet to ask questions that he has about what he's read? Although you are a good source, you have the wrong perspective. He will have the decision if your relationship is more important than his perceived shame of learning from a Mentor. you obviously have gone through a difficult time of self realization to get where you are in life. Be careful, that your ex is just not placating you showing an attempt to learn to achieve sex. Maybe that is ALL he wants, and is willing to do anything to get it. He wouldn't be the first. I don't think anyone can just learn and become a Dom or Master. You really have to want to, in fact you really have to NEED to. you obviously have a local Dom or BDSM group in your area that you feel comfortable enough to ask to mentor him, if you ex is serious enough give him that person's name and phone number and put the process in his hands. As you say, and I couldn't agree more - TRUST must be at the core. He has to trust you well enough to allow himself to open up to the Mentor without fear of feeling inadequate. It's one thing to confess the need to learn to a wife you are trying to reconcile with, quite another to do so with someone outside that relationship. He'll need you to support him and you'll need to communicate your confidence in him to succeed. Merc & beth PS - Boy am I glad we read the thread to get more details before we answered. It was good to know more details. Usually I don't read beyond the question because I don't want what someone else says to effect my comments.

proudsub -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 1:12:16 PM)
quote: Right now i can not imagine me calling Him Sir, Master or anything like that. Even so i mean it and think it is a great thing when talking to other Doms i know (never used Master for i haven't had one) i feel silly even thinking about calling Him Sir. I guess this is because lack of respect for Him. i think i would just giggle if i kneeled before Him and these are things i take very serious if i do them. i am very worried things will go back to how they were. i was miserable and had very low self esteem i don't want to go back there ever again. My Mentor and this other Dom (Scott) i have been seeing make me feel good about myself and i have changed 100% in past 2 years. i have respect for them both In those words i think you have answered your own question jenn. Even if your hubby does learn to be a dom, how can it work if you don't respect him? As i told you in email, my situation was similar EXCEPT the emotional and mental domination were already in place, we just had to add the kinks in the bedroom. I'm not sure the mental side can be learned or not. I think you got a lot of good advise here.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition

Terms of Service

0.046875