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RE: I want a normal life! - 11/2/2010 5:45:39 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
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When you masturbate, you train yourself.

You need to start masturbating to vanilla scenes. Skip the kinky stuff in your head. It may take a while, but you can retrain yourself to enjoy vanilla sex.

Note, if you are truly kinky, then you will always prefer kink to vanilla, but you can train your body to react to vanilla sex.

(Note, this is the same technique some psychiatrists use on pedophiles - have them fantasize about adults till they can orgasm. It doesn't cure them of pedophilia, but it can let them lead a normal life, allowing them to avoid any illegal activities.)

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 21

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/2/2010 5:58:56 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
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Number one...it is the woman's job to get you excited, just as it is your job to turn her on. Two, you CAN have intercourse, but you may not be excited enough by pure vanilla to do so. FORGET vanilla. It is not for you. It is n ot who you are. I know. I am like you. Please do not despair. You can find the right Mistress for you, and you can have sex.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 22

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/2/2010 7:24:44 PM

Reizo

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/10/2010
Status: offline

Indeed some great advice so far.
Thank you for the encouraging words, especially poise, jujubee, sweetsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: January
Okay, it sure seems like you are asking a kink forum on how you can achieve happy vanilla sex. Something just does not feel authentic about your posts, Reizo.

I'm aware of the irony there. But who else will understand my point?
The fact that my kinks have only been fantasies so far, doesn't make me any less submissive, imo.

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

When you masturbate, you train yourself.

You need to start masturbating to vanilla scenes. Skip the kinky stuff in your head. It may take a while, but you can retrain yourself to enjoy vanilla sex.

Note, if you are truly kinky, then you will always prefer kink to vanilla, but you can train your body to react to vanilla sex.

(Note, this is the same technique some psychiatrists use on pedophiles - have them fantasize about adults till they can orgasm. It doesn't cure them of pedophilia, but it can let them lead a normal life, allowing them to avoid any illegal activities.)

I totally agree with that. But I'm afraid it will take time. I'll see that girl again tonight.

What do you guys think of having kinky thoughts, to hide the fact of not actually being turned on by sex? Can that work, or can nobody actually have that much control about their mind?

(in reply to January)

Post #: 23

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/2/2010 9:31:25 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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Count me as another guy who'd definitely erase some fantasies if it were possible. "Where's the reset button?" It would make life so much simpler. Then again, I suck at simplicity.

Reizo, would it work if you focused on pleasing her? Maybe you could even tell her: "I'd like to focus on pleasing you. Show me how." You don't have much to lose in terms of being judged at this point.

As others said, don't worry too much about your penis. If anything, pretending you can't use it for a while will make things more interesting. Random tangent: I kinda wish penises were more like Swiss Army knives and capable of more feats. Wouldn't it be great if they could open beer and wine bottles, light campfires, turn screws and gently file rough surfaces? Sadly...

If you focus too much on just your penis and she's too shy herself to make anything happen, even if you do "get it up", only boring sex will ensue - the "Sigh, let's just stop and watch reruns before I fall into a comma" kind. Also, she may be worried something is wrong with her for being unable to elicit a sexual response from you, so I recommend you tell her how beautiful she is and what you love about her. Make sure it's something you are sincere about and it won't be taken the wrong way.

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 24

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/3/2010 2:20:38 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Greetings

Well for some desires are best left in fantasies, however perhaps you need more of a emotional connection, perhaps banging a girl you have just met and who you can hardly talk to due to language barriers just do not do it for you. Perhaps you need a loving relationship. Also you should not go into a thing expecting it to be as good as your fantasies, nothing ever is. There is also a chance BDSM is not for you, it do not fit everyone, perhaps now that you have tried it and did not find it to your liking you would want to try something else. You have to explore your emotions around this, there is really to many variables to really give you any good advice other than to sit down and think about what your experience really meant to you and what you want to do now.

I wish you well.

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 25

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/3/2010 4:42:42 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Learn to love your own desires and appetites. If a Playmate of the Year was with me, but she was very vanilla and passive, I would not be all that turned on. But if a dominant woman didn't even touch me, yet told me in direct terms how she wanted me to serve her, I would probably be rock hard in seconds. We is what we is...embrace it.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to nephandi)

Post #: 26

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/3/2010 9:49:28 AM

HeidiAnn

Posts: 113
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

The first thing that came to my mind after reading the OP was that did you really want to have sex with that girl? The impression I got was that you didn't, but I could be misimpertering or seeing what I want to see in the OP. :)

I agree with a lot of what has been said. I think RavenMuse put it really well, but I want to add that I still think the person you are with has to be right on some level. Atleast I personally can not find the feel to serve just anyone, but with a right person a dynamic with nothing that deals with kinky stuff (?) could still be very much D/s.

_____________________________

"The most difficult thing is trying not to forget who you really want to be." - Nong Toom

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 27

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/3/2010 8:36:41 PM

yenje

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline

My 2 cents here.

I'm an average guy...a regular Joe. I've been around the block once or twice. A few things that I've learned about sex with someone.

1. Sometimes, the first time with someone, can be extremely awkward. You're nervous, she's nervous. You're thinking, "Man this is my first time I hope I do well", she may also be thinking, "This is his first time I want it to be awesome." That's a serious amount of pressure to perform, especially for the first time.
2. When you're under pressure, your buddy down there, sometimes takes the vacation you should be taking. I don't know where he goes sometimes, but he aint here when I need him. As someone who's had that happen before on more than one occasion, I just move on..please her. You're a man..it happens. Smoking, drinking, drugs, pressure at work, pressure in life, getting nagged by your girlfriend, bill collectors calling...anything like that..can make him say "See ya Tomorrow!".
3. When you are with someone and it's "right", it is so incredibly "right" it's scary. I've dated women where yeah...everything worked and was good..but hey..let me go get a sandwich and take a break. And I've dated women where I've wanted to go get that same sandwich, and HE'S said.."Umm..you go ahead...I'm going inside her again. It was awesome with her!". Physically..I'm the same person..but sometimes, it's just the chemistry between the two of you that just..clicks.
4. Looks, when it comes to sex, are really minor. It's all mental. The HOTTEST woman in the world comes up to you and is a total bitch (and I mean just her personality sucks), even if you do have sex with her, eventually you'll say to yourself, "What the hell am I doing?" and move on. However, when it comes to sex, the MENTAL aspect is extremely important. You spoke of feeling/being submissive. That's a mental thing...in your head. And that's where you (and she) if you click right, can rock.

My advice, honestly, is not to sweat it. The first time I was with a girl, it was miserable for both of us. The second time, nothing happened (same situation as you, just a different setting). I didn't have therapy, but I didn't dwell on it either. My third time with someone, MUCH better..and eventually I found someone that sexually..made me sit back and just go "Wow." And her grin as we laid there told me she was feeling the exact same thing.

Take your time brother. You're 23..enjoy the ride. It will happen, and you'll smile thinking about this moment going, "That guy was spot on." Umm..just hopefully after you're out of bed and not thinking sexual thoughts ;)

(in reply to HeidiAnn)

Post #: 28

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/4/2010 4:47:06 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Great advice here! Reizo, first times are often really difficult, and as you've heard, lots of guys have had the same problem and lived to tell the tale! The only virgin male I've been with got hard ... and came about 5 seconds later! No more satisfying I can assure you. By then he was so mortified about spurting all over My dress he wasn't good for doing anything else for Me.

It seems this girl is willing to see you again so realise, you didn't turn her off! That's a big plus! So relax, focus on pleasing her and let your mind go where it will. In pleasing her you will be behaving submissively and that can only help. Good luck (and don't forget to revisit and tell us if it worked out!).

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to yenje)

Post #: 29

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/6/2010 8:25:01 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Gosh, maybe you are one of these "rare" people who need an emotional attachment to become aroused?

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 30

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/6/2010 7:48:52 PM

Reizo

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/10/2010
Status: offline

After all the great advice I guess I ought to end this.. but no happy ending I'm afraid.
I went to see her one more time. But even when pleasing her felt kinda submissive, that is pretty much all that happened. And yeah, she was notably disappointed. She won't be inviting me over any more. And while vanilla guys in my situation would just go "screw her, she's not worth it", I'm not even entitled to that kind of relief. I know if she called me, I'd run over there in an instant.

It was purely physical attraction that got me there in the first place, and the lack of anything physical that ended it. It will take some time, but I'll get over it.
I guess I will stop worrying about having vanilla sex for a while. If I actually end up in a relationship at some point in life, it might just happen naturally. I'll just see what life has in store for me.
Thanks for all the responses, greatly appreciated.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 31

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/6/2010 8:06:52 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Reizo
I went to see her one more time. But even when pleasing her felt kinda submissive, that is pretty much all that happened. And yeah, she was notably disappointed. She won't be inviting me over any more. And while vanilla guys in my situation would just go "screw her, she's not worth it", I'm not even entitled to that kind of relief. I know if she called me, I'd run over there in an instant.

That is what you call a rationalization. It's meant to make you feel better. Vanilla guys feel bad too, initially. Getting over it with a rationalization is a natural process. I recommend focusing on the futile relationship rather than the girl.

Here's what you want: "She was incapable of arousing me and I was incapable of pleasing her. Therefore, the relationship was futile and not worth my emotional investment, her time and not worth it in general."

Just repeat that for a while and you'll feel better.

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 32

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/7/2010 10:44:50 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Well I am sorry there wasn't a happy ending this time, but full marks to you OP for being man enough to come back here and tell us how it went. Lots wouldn't be so honest. I'm sure it will work when the time and the person is right.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 33

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/8/2010 8:06:20 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

My grandma said, “a hungry dog will eat shit”. So I imagine if you stop all the self gratification, you’ll eventually get horny enough to stick your cock in a vanilla girl. However, that vanilla stuff never worked for me either and the world is chock full of kinky sex to be had.

I could have a harem of bisexual vanilla girls . . . alas, if only vanilla would turn me on. I just can’t abide a brat, I barely tolerate a submissive and I am only compatible with slaves on a long term basis. . . and yes it affects my whether I am turned on or not. Good luck changing your spots and getting a “normal life’. If you succeed, please come back and teach the rest of us how. I didn’t discover the BDSM lifestyle for myself, it discovered me and has been following me ever since.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Reizo)

Post #: 34

RE: I want a normal life! - 11/8/2010 9:09:22 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Find a dominant woman to connect with. Your desires will be compatible..you will give each other what you need. Forget vanilla.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 35

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