I want a normal life! (Full Version)

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Reizo -> I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 5:07:33 AM)

Hello there. I'm not sure if this is the right place to write down these thoughts, but I really need to get this off my chest, and someone to understand where I'm coming from. Short introduction: 23 y/o male currently living in Tokyo. Have been into submission as far as I can think back. But until now, I've never actually been with a woman.
Yesterday, I went to my first date ever, with a georgious Japanese girl. My Japanese is barely sufficient for simple conversation, but I got by. I admit that she was pushing nearly all of this but we ended up in her room. I helplessly admit that it's my first time. She was really understanding in that matter, and although being used to the guy leading, was helping me all the way.
Then began the most embarrassing and shocking 4 hours of my life. I could not get it up, at all. I was telling her it was because of excitement, but that was a lame excuse. In truth, I was just not turned on by that. I managed to get somewhat hard when indulging in fantasies - but it was all useless.

For about 5 years, I haven't masturbated on vanilla 'thoughts': Even though I'm fine with vanilla material, I added my own story to it, so it was turning me on.
But since at least a year, I have come to the conclusion that I want to set my fetish aside, and go for a normal relationship. I thought that it might be hard, or impossible, to force myself not being turned on by fetish anymore - but I haven't really thought about the problem of not getting off on vanilla.
And this shocking truth I had to learn the hard way.

At this point, people would probably rant about how I should 'accept the way I am', and that it's 'not a bad thing'. My favourite one is that I 'can't deny my true desires' But I consider 'myself' as this thinking entity that is writing down these words at the moment. And this being has decided to go for a kinkless sexual orientation. I'll elaborate on my reasons some other time. My greatest fear right now, is that I will never achieve this. There's this uncontrollable part in me, that refuses vanilla.

I don't want to be 'cured' from my kink. For now, I'd be happy just to be able to have sex. Do you think it's possible? Anyone with similar experiences?



poise -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 6:34:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reizo

But until now, I've never actually been with a woman.
I helplessly admit that it's my first time. 
Do you mean you were sexually a virgin, or that your previous encounters were with men?

In truth, I was just not turned on by that.
For about 5 years, I haven't masturbated on vanilla 'thoughts'
Was this a vanilla encounter? You said she led you along..meaning you were submissive? 

My greatest fear right now, is that I will never achieve this. There's this uncontrollable part in me, that refuses vanilla.
Sometimes you have to leave the mind outside the door and just let yourself experience whatever it is you are experiencing.

I don't want to be 'cured' from my kink. For now, I'd be happy just to be able to have sex. Do you think it's possible?
But you just said you wanted to give up your fetish and have vanilla sex where you can enjoy it.


Pardon my confusion over your post. I was trying to follow it through but got caught up on some key points.
Then I realized that I, nor anyone else, can tell you how to go about enjoying sex, whether vanilla or kink.
My only suggestion would be to stop over thinking things, and let your body react (or not) as things happen.
You'll find your what works for you soon enough.




January -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 6:36:06 AM)

Why do assume you couldn't get it up because of kink?



submitting4U -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 6:40:22 AM)

I will make a few suggestions to you. Buy two books called, "Sexual Arousal" and "Male Sexuality" by Michael Bader. Read carefully and work through your kink in psychanalytic work, yes therapy with a qualified psychodyamically trained therapist ... as you "deshame" the process you will learn the symbolic meanings of kink and understand the experience in a different light. I was young like you and struggled with this issue also. It takes time to understand it and work through it so you can enjoy a varied sex life ... stay with it, do not give up and feel free to write me here at CM if i can help you. i mean this sincerely ....



RavenMuse -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 7:07:18 AM)

Plus there is a great deal more to 'sex' that just sticking your cock in her mouth, cunt or ass. If one thing won't play ball for whatever reason, take another approach.

I'm a Dominant, some of the best 'sex' I've had I haven't even bothered to get undressed, I've controlled her, teased her, played her body like a musical instrument for hours and didn't feel any need to get My dick involved.

As a submissive (If that is what you are rather than just what you call yourself), what about the other approach, serve her, focus on her pleasure, sating her needs,,, same sort of thing as I mention about just from the other side of the coin... hell I've had enough girls do so with Me when I decided THAT was what I wanted and they have got much from serving in that manner, in that it was just about Me (No relationship can always be one way, but any individual instance certainly can be).

Once you take away the worry, once it isn't a big deal... things will likely take their natural course at some point anyhow.



mnottertail -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 7:28:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Plus there is a great deal more to 'sex' that just sticking your cock in her mouth . . .


What sort of new age psychobabble is this Raven? 



RavenMuse -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 7:37:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Plus there is a great deal more to 'sex' that just sticking your cock in her mouth . . .


What sort of new age psychobabble is this Raven? 


When you graduate to long trousers and uncover the joys of sex as an adult, then young padawan, you will know [sm=yahoo.gif]



Reizo -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 7:50:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reizo

But until now, I've never actually been with a woman.
I helplessly admit that it's my first time. 
Do you mean you were sexually a virgin, or that your previous encounters were with men?

In truth, I was just not turned on by that.
For about 5 years, I haven't masturbated on vanilla 'thoughts'
Was this a vanilla encounter? You said she led you along..meaning you were submissive? 

My greatest fear right now, is that I will never achieve this. There's this uncontrollable part in me, that refuses vanilla.
Sometimes you have to leave the mind outside the door and just let yourself experience whatever it is you are experiencing.

I don't want to be 'cured' from my kink. For now, I'd be happy just to be able to have sex. Do you think it's possible?
But you just said you wanted to give up your fetish and have vanilla sex where you can enjoy it.


Pardon my confusion over your post. I was trying to follow it through but got caught up on some key points.
Then I realized that I, nor anyone else, can tell you how to go about enjoying sex, whether vanilla or kink.
My only suggestion would be to stop over thinking things, and let your body react (or not) as things happen.
You'll find your what works for you soon enough.



Ok, not being used to communities like these, I've made a few assumptions I shouldn't have. I'm straight. By saying 'i've never been with a woman' I mean I had no sexual relationship of any kind.
By leading along, I just meant she was pointing the way. Approaching me in the first place, taking my hand. That kind of stuff. I don't think however, that this makes her dominant.
But even if there wasn't the language barrier that prevented me to explain about my kink, that's not really what I want. Japan is quite liberal about sex. Judge this as you want, but we're not in a relationship - we just meet for having sex. For the moment I'm fine with that. It's just my body that's refusing.

I haven't read books about it, or studied the origin of my fantasies in detail, but I don't think you're born like this. You turn into this as your thoughts begin moving in that world. And that's what happened to me all my life. Now it seems, I lost my ability to get turned on by a female body. And that's really sad.



poise -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 8:02:48 AM)

Please please please don't let this first encounter with a woman make you feel you aren't
capable of normal sex...or kinky sex for that matter. First times come with an incredible
amount of pressure as it is....mix that in with your fears of being abnormal and its no wonder
things were hard for you (or not hard..as the case may be.[:)])
Continue masturbating to whatever turns you on. Make no limits to where your mind goes so
that you can be in tune with only how your body reacts. It gets a whole lot better after the first time.



January -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 8:35:25 AM)

quote:

to go for a kinkless sexual orientation


Okay, it sure seems like you are asking a kink forum on how you can achieve happy vanilla sex. Something just does not feel authentic about your posts, Reizo.

January



anniezz338 -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 8:43:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Please please please don't let this first encounter with a woman make you feel you aren't
capable of normal sex...or kinky sex for that matter. First times come with an incredible
amount of pressure as it is....mix that in with your fears of being abnormal and its no wonder
things were hard for you (or not hard..as the case may be.[:)])
Continue masturbating to whatever turns you on. Make no limits to where your mind goes so
that you can be in tune with only how your body reacts. It gets a whole lot better after the first time.


I agree with poise. Don't be hard on yourself at all. There were too many factors involved, the first time having sex I'm thinking being the biggest one.

I would also consider keeping my options open. I feel you can have a Dom/sub and vanilla mix relationship. It's hard for some, me included, to easily lump myself into one catagory. Maybe that's why I find being open to possibilities in stages very exciting. It brings out the true me.



hlen5 -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 8:55:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Reizo

................But I consider 'myself' as this thinking entity that is writing down these words at the moment.

I don't want to be 'cured' from my kink. For now, I'd be happy just to be able to have sex. Do you think it's possible? Anyone with similar experiences?


As I read your OP (original post), this phrase jumped out at me. I haven't read any replies. Do you live in your head all the time? Do not waste another day in learning how to stop that. Intellect is a cold companion at night. Believe me.

Learn who you are and what you want and you can answer the kink/vanilla questions on your own.






antinomy -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 8:58:05 AM)

Reizo...

You are trying to compartmentalize; to make this an either/or scenario.   Somehow, I get the feeling you feel a bit like Jekyll & Hyde- one part respectable, the other some sort of abomination that makes you not "normal" (whatever THAT is).   You are who you are.   Sure you can try to change, but odds are, you developed into the young man you are over time, part nature, part nurture; and the end result of all of that biology and experience is the guy that looks back at you in the mirror. 

My suggestion is to make peace with who you are.  Embrace every part of yourself and go with the flow.   Trying to pretend to be something you are not is never going to make you happy.  Wishing that you could respond differently in certain situations is not going to make it so.  I think that you had a lesson on that the other night when you were so focused on your kink that you could not enjoy the company of a beautiful vanilla companion.  

Don't stress about it.  Don't lament not having a "normal life" as the title of your post suggests.  Instead, accept that this IS normal for YOU.  Everyone is different.  It's what makes the world go 'round.  While some paths are a bit bumpier than others, following the one that is right for you- being authentic and accepting all that makes you the unique individual you are- will make for one heck of a ride and eventually get you to where you need to be. 

I learned an important lesson a while back: you can't bury part of who you are and still be whole.  It's not healthy and will leave you feeling incomplete.  Obviously a "kinkless sexual orientation", while it might be convenient, is not who YOU are.  Your concern seems to be that you want to have vanilla sex, even though you don't want to be 'cured' of your kink?   Why are you looking for vanilla encounters?   What's wrong with having kinky sex?  Why not look for compatible partners who can appreciate all aspects of who you are?   Just curious....

Best of everything.

anti~



jujubeeMB -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 9:01:07 AM)

OP -

Sweetheart. I believe you were a virgin before this sexual encounter, and you've been fantasizing for a looong time, and she was gorgeous and you were scared. Welcome to 50% of all first time experiences - of course you couldn't get it up. My best friend's boyfriend only recently had this problem and decided there was something wrong with him (she was his first) until they kept having sex and eventually (about one week later) he was able to get hard and has never had the problem again.

You need to relax a little bit and try again. And as others have suggested, if you're not getting hard, please her. Even vanilla men have to learn that concept: your dick is not what makes sex. If your dick is not going to be participating, shrug your shoulders and do something else. There are a million things that are fantastic about sex that have nothing to do with penetration, and the more you relax and stop thinking about what you're supposed to be doing, the sooner you'll be able to do it.

And as for wanting to just be vanilla instead because you had one terrifying experience, it's not going to work. What turns you on is what turns you on, and that's a lovely, delicious, fortunate thing. You're a lucky person because you know your inner fantasy life - embrace it and be kind to yourself, because it's going to stick with you, whether you like it or not.



sexyred1 -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 9:06:53 AM)

OP, you have gotten some good advice thus far.

One thing I can tell you is not to worry or stress over it; it will only create a vicious cycle.

Just try to put yourself in situations that are comfortable for yourself and breathe.



SpyUnderCover -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 11:08:56 AM)

This is why I wish men would talk to one another about sex and "compare notes" more often. Then perhaps they'd realize they're not alone in these matters. Many of the guys I've been with had trouble maintaining an erection the first time we were together. It's quite common. 

My response is always, "That's okay, there's no rush. Let's just lie here and hold each other, and talk for a while." That seems to do the trick every time.

Spy



Nineveh -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 11:52:18 AM)

I'd suggest, if you want to alter your reactions, try masturbating to purely vanilla fantasies for a while.



lizi -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 12:11:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpyUnderCover


My response is always, "That's okay, there's no rush. Let's just lie here and hold each other, and talk for a while." That seems to do the trick every time.

Spy



Great advice above. If there is a way to take the pressure off of yourself it will work miracles. Really. My partner takes quite a long time to please me first and make sure I have one or more orgasms before we ever get to the actual penetration. By then he's so hot from hearing and seeing me that he's as hard as a rock and he has the knowledge that no matter how things turn out during intercourse that I'm happy already. It takes a lot of pressure off of his performance.

I really don't think that you are ruined for life because of BDSM. I think you were under some pressure because of the circumstances of your first encounter. In the beginning of my relationship my guy looked at me seriously and said that he would not under any circumstances try to get me in bed yet, that he liked me too much to ruin anything and that when it was the right time hopefully we'd both want it. Believe me, that was some amazing mojo. I could be with him and relax while he did the same. It was incredibly hot knowing that sex was off the table. I was soooo ready by the time we took the plunge.



crazyml -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 12:49:13 PM)

Ello.

Some really, really, good advice here...

My first comment is don't worry. Given the stressful nature of this encounter it's understandable that your little fellah might have been a bit shy.

My advice - see her again, and take it slowly - and take RM's advice...


quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

As a submissive (If that is what you are rather than just what you call yourself), what about the other approach, serve her, focus on her pleasure, sating her needs,,,



And see where that takes ya.

Good luck



sweetsub1957 -> RE: I want a normal life! (11/2/2010 4:04:09 PM)

~FR~
My second ex-husband (yes, I was married 'nilla twice) was a total virgin when he met me. I was his first hug, first sex, hell almost his first kiss. And he was scared. TOTALLY. It took about a week of sleeping together before he was able to get it up because he was so afraid. I just took my time and made it as easy as possible for him (no pressure) and, after that first week, he never had any more problems. Sometimes, you just need to get more comfortable with your partner AND first times are scary. There's the not knowing what sex is like for real.....what will she/he think of my body.....will i be able to do it/do it right? All sorts of things. For both men and women. The more you worry about getting it up, the more difficult it will be. If she's an understanding gal, she will realize that sometimes things like this just.....take time. If she's not an understanding gal, well, is she worthwhile?

~sweetsub~



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