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RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 4:45:32 PM

susieqh

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/2/2010
Status: offline

I think it is just people being people. I have been on many sites including vanilla and I think many are just so desperate for any connection that people think they will find it in an instant. TV, Movies and many other things sell the 'instant' connection. Look at the ads for EHarmony and other sites that sell you in 24 hours I found the love of my life. There are those who come here to experiment, others who are here to see if they like kink or get their kink fulfilled and others who are just looking for kinky sex here and now. Then there are others who truly are looking for a relationship(s) and realize that it can take time and an investment in their time in finding that.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 21

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 4:49:06 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

Those of us who have been on the site for a while know it doesn't work like this, but often, it seems that people new to the site think that it will.

Actually those that have paid attention in life knows it doesn't work like that.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 22

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 4:57:18 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating/

My favorite bit is the 'Desperation Feedback Loop'.

Proving that it's economically unwise for men to spend time writing good emails, even if the good ones get much better responses; but that writing dozens of cut and paste messages ends up making women just not open their email. It's a lose-lose proposition, and I get much better results just leaving the house.

Women bitch and moan about this, except that -- and this infuriates me -- they fail to realize they can do something about this, whereas men's hands are effectively tied.

Women can browse profiles, find guys they like and write them with a much higher rate of decent responses. At the same time, they can make the inbox problem go away by blocking everyone and then selectively unblocking the guys they want to hear from. It would take a bit of work, but it's actually feasible, whereas men just are fucked all around by the system. Write good letters and waste your time, too much time for it to be worth the effort; write crap letters and waste everyone's time. It's just not worth it, and I stopped bothering a while ago.

But women? Women could own this system, if they weren't too tied up in prey mentality to be proactive about things. God, I'd be a fucking terror to men if I were female, or possibly gay. Good thing I'm straight.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 10/25/2010 5:06:53 PM >

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 23

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 4:59:41 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

My question is do you think the sites have contributed to people thinking they will automatically find what they are looking for just by creating an account? Since many people here have been on Alt at one time or another, do you think there is a cross over of people believing that's the guarantee?

This is going to sound really bad, but

I think that too many people come to sites like these, whether they be kinky sites or vanilla dating sites, or something in between; looking for a quick fix to loneliness in their lives. Many have not had the chance to actually stop and think really hard about what exactly they want out of life. They try relationship after relationship, and when they fail, they decide to try the alternative sites hoping that maybe, they will find a 'fix' there.

The bad part of this is that no matter where a person looks, whether it's on a site, in a bar, or in some other kind of 'meeting' place, they are always going to run into those who are just out for 'fun', 'kicks', or to just create pain and chaos.

There are those out there who know what to look for when coming across people like this; but there are those out there who, because they are just looking for a quick fix in their lives, that can't see the 'flags' that are waving under their noses.

I don't think it's the sites, per se, that are the issue. It's that people come to them for the wrong reasons and end up with the wrong people...which causes a ripple effect.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 24

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 5:20:46 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Many have not had the chance to actually stop and think really hard about what exactly they want out of life.

This... to a degree. I think it's a failing in our culture, really; we don't set benchmarks to 'adulthood' that previous cultures did. There's far less of a map available. 'Get a job', 'go to college', 'Date people', 'Get married' are what Americans are offered, and they are too... big. Too vague.

The plus is that we don't offer bogus benchmarks. There's no specific way to do things crammed down our collective throats. The minus is that we don't offer concrete benchmarks, period. Not nationwide.

So when a kid is thinking about what they want in life, too often they don't have a map and compass for it. Some groups try to fill in this gap; churches, the boy scouts, etc. But there are big problems with each, a lot of value dissonance happening. It's like we're a nation of schizophrenics trying to tell each other right and wrong.

I don't have a good solution for this; any system more rigid has its own problems. China is a fascinating case study that demonstrates this. It's kind of like the problem of democracy; it's the worst system possible, except for everything else we've tried.

So now we get dating sites and their abysmal failure to satisfy the needs of the dating population as a side effect. Just one symptom out of many.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 25

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 7:30:46 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

I think OKCupid was going for a "Crazy cat lady" caricature.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: BurntKitty
-are aggressive. - Born & raised in NY, 'nuff said.

Ya gotta love these NY chicks. Snort.

I've lived near New York, so I can stereotype it, too!

From memory, its walls are painted gray by the melancholy of millions of fading dreams, which wail away in a sea of lust for anything better than the narrow spaces, costly obligations and shackles of status, while decievingly promising opportunities are dangled about from the upper floors of the steel and silica towers. After thoroughly making their way through eachother like swarming mice—seemingly to at least gain the leverage of time—New Yorkers peel off their uncaring masks and light up millions of tiny windows to fuel their incomprehensible happiness. Inevitably, their wild, competitive chase for fulfillment leaves them with the desire to keep screwing eachother senseless.

The pressure to achieve creates the aggressiveness and it manifests itself in many ways, correct?

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
The idiots have always existed and this site is an excellent lure for them.

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
So now we get dating sites and their abysmal failure to satisfy the needs of the dating population as a side effect.

Why bother with this site if you were just looking for pornography or written stories? It doesn't make any sense. Perhaps, people genuinely want to learn how it works in the real world and are bad at doing so.

For someone self-aware and intuitive, it's easier to stick to compatible people and decide what sort of relationship you want. With high compatability, you don't really need to try as hard. Most of the people complaining about not getting responses are only envisioning something short-term, and really it doesn't take much compatability to have that kind of relationship, so there are plenty of options.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/25/2010 7:50:58 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 26

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 8:35:06 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Why bother with this site if you were just looking for pornography or written stories?

Why bother with it if you're not?

Really, I don't bother much with the collarme side; just the collarchat side. I haven't sent out a cold-call letter since, oh, 2008 I think. I've snarked a few entertaining profiles, but it's just not worth looking too hard for a match.

For example, if I went to a club tonight I could come home with a decent 20-something around 7 out of 10 times. More often than not, she'd be amenable to BDSM ideas, and more than a few times I've been surprised to find myself the amateur in the arrangement. This is just going out to a club. There are other live-action options I prefer, like meetup.com lit groups or writing workshops. Because I love books, and there is often a preponderance of cute 20somethings who are easily impressed by my mind instead of by how well I dress and caveman them into the bathroom.

Or another one is, there's a few organic farms that loan you a plot to grow food around, and they do things like drum circles and shit that are just a phenomenally good time. With interesting single women who have open minds.

But this website? I can find 3 women in the same range of attractiveness who have checked on this site in the past weekend within a reasonable driving distance. I guarantee you, of those 3, 7-8% or less will answer a well-structured email, and less will answer a quick one. It takes me around 20 minutes to write a decent letter and cut it shorter than 2 paragraphs (as mark twain said-ish, 'Sorry this is so long, I didn't have time to write a shorter letter!'). Do the multiplication, here; I'll wait.

It just does not make sense to put my time in here, if finding a date is my goal. Nor should it be for any man. I come here out of habit, and for the stimulating conversation; that's it.

Now, if I were a woman, the situation would be completely different. There's a retarded number of available men around; it's shooting fish in a barrel. Fortunately for me, they're all on their computers instead of where the best women are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes
It doesn't make any sense. Perhaps, people genuinely want to learn how it works in the real world and are bad at doing so.

That's the usual reason they come to places like this. But they won't find their answers here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes
For someone self-aware and intuitive, it's easier to stick to compatible people and decide what sort of relationship you want. With high compatability, you don't really need to try as hard. Most of the people complaining about not getting responses are only envisioning something short-term, and really it doesn't take much compatability to have that kind of relationship, so there are plenty of options.

I'll agree - once you break through performance anxiety and go out to meet people, it's entirely within the realm of possibility to find someone in real life. On a dating site, not so much.

But really, you're looking at this from the perspective of a woman. Compatibility is not easy to judge when you're meeting strangers, and female 'friends' are the bane of most men's existence when those friends are actually women they'd like to date. So compatibility almost seems like a curse to them. It is possible to break out of the friend zone, but most men just don't have the knowledge of how to do so, and blaming them for not trying to stick to 'compatible people' is... ugh. Very female.

Compatibility is more of a question when you have a surplus of choices available and presented to you. It's not the first thing that a man on the hunt looks for, nor should it be, until he learns how to avoid its pitfalls.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 27

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/25/2010 11:02:11 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating/

My favorite bit is the 'Desperation Feedback Loop'.

Proving that it's economically unwise for men to spend time writing good emails, even if the good ones get much better responses; but that writing dozens of cut and paste messages ends up making women just not open their email. It's a lose-lose proposition, and I get much better results just leaving the house.

I dont go to clubs often being around a lot of people on a regular basis, isnt good for me. Mostly because im just not that socially inclined.

MANY men have the same problem, while getting laid (coughs and chokes and mumbles something) is so EASY for you for the rest of the 3 billion men on this planet its not exactly as easy. Some people like myself find it easier to talk and to connect with people online.

I ALWAYS and i repeat ALWAYS answer a well though out message and attempt to engage them in conversation. ALWAYS so that 20 minutes means youll get more then 20 minutes back of my time.

Sending me a 30 second piece of shit email will get you no response.

As for the OP,
LP I think its just the stupidity of men who believe they are so awesome they can get in any womans pants no matter what because they are just that awesome.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 28

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 1:01:34 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

I appreciate your differing perspective and that you have found a method that brings you satisfaction. I was mostly referring to those who come to this site looking for something (or someone).

That was actually my perspective. But being able to relate to a female perspective may not be such a bad thing.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/26/2010 1:10:28 AM >

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 29

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 2:24:34 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Many people also have misperceptions about those into kink that we are all total sluts and will instantly blow any guy who calls himself a Dom.

They have misheard from their buddies in the bar that chicks who are on kink sites welcome this kind of approach and they they are oh so shocked to find that is not the case.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have nothing of value to add that hasn't been said. Wait, yes I do. I have so many thoughts bopping around and I don't know which one makes sense. These are not actual beliefs, just ideas that I'm *wondering* about. So if it's not cumbersome to see these as thoughts rather than firmly held ideas, I submit the following for consideration:

Is it our instant society?
Is an addiction involved?
Is it because we are so mobile and people aren't held accountable?
Is it lack of patience?
I also wonder if it is cultural. I've interacted with men from this site who are from other countries / cultures, and their responses are somewhat different. I don't know if it is the men in particular or whether it is a cultural phenomenon (perhaps I ought to do more research.... hmmmm).
There is also the "coming out" aspect that is part of the newbie experience. Is that a contribution?

One time (and only one time) I went to a strip club with a lesbian friend of mine. It was Saturday night, and I was shocked by how many men were at the club. Many of my het women friends had been saying to me "where are all the decent men?" I remember thinking that night that this was where the men were - at the strip club. Whether they were "decent" or not, I chose not to judge. It did seem, though, that the men were able to interact with the women (strippers) in a very empty kind of way - do this, here's my money. There was a lack of connection. On the other hand, the women (strippers) came over and talked to us, were very interactive, spent time "wooing" us rather than the other way around. We talked to them, looked them in their eyes, and we said thank you to them for their work. (And yes, we tipped them, but we didn't ogle or grab them like the men did.)

I wonder if that is not some of what is happening, some kind of lack of connection, self-centered kind of perspective.

Thank you for an interesting question, Lady Pact.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 30

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 5:29:54 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

First off CM is a kinky dating site, what else do you think it is?

How many people participate on the forums compared to those that set up a profile and begin trying to tap dat ass?

That was my impression, too. Some of us are trying to tap minds, not asses, but the core principle, tapping, is the same.

I've always seen the forums on sites such as this as a value add, something tagged onto a dating site to make it seem more...well rounded? Intelligent or informed? They're another form of entertainment, relatively relaxing for when you get tired of the chase, and they've become a refuge for those not chasing at all (people with partners) but who still want some light social interaction, information, or entertainment.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 31

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 5:38:58 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

I was a paid member of alt several years ago and met a nice sub who is still a really good friend (she owns a bar ok, good friend to have). I went back just to look a while ago and there were something like 5 or 6 females in my area that had been on within 3 months. That is compared to several dozen here. Hmmmm, more people here and it's free compared to pay to have possible access to a half dozen. Kind of a no brainer.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 32

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 6:08:43 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

I think the word free and kinky are what drives the majority of the "quick fix" types to CM.
I've never been a registered member on any other fetish site, but in my curiousity about Fetlife
I learned I can't even browse profiles without being a registered member. So this makes CM
even more attractive to people looking for quick kink, because they can easily view any
profile by simply typing in a fake birthdate and signature, yet still remain anonymous.

And there is no question that some of the profiles here cater to kink only, with images that leave
nothing to the imagination. I dont think it's so much the stupidity of men that think themselves entitled
to easy access than it is the high percentage of female profiles that give the illusion that they are ready
to deliver it to them.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 33

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 6:27:33 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Why bother with this site if you were just looking for pornography or written stories?

Why bother with it if you're not?

Really, I don't bother much with the collarme side; just the collarchat side. I haven't sent out a cold-call letter since, oh, 2008 I think. I've snarked a few entertaining profiles, but it's just not worth looking too hard for a match.

For example, if I went to a club tonight I could come home with a decent 20-something around 7 out of 10 times. More often than not, she'd be amenable to BDSM ideas, and more than a few times I've been surprised to find myself the amateur in the arrangement. This is just going out to a club. There are other live-action options I prefer, like meetup.com lit groups or writing workshops. Because I love books, and there is often a preponderance of cute 20somethings who are easily impressed by my mind instead of by how well I dress and caveman them into the bathroom.

Or another one is, there's a few organic farms that loan you a plot to grow food around, and they do things like drum circles and shit that are just a phenomenally good time. With interesting single women who have open minds.

But this website? I can find 3 women in the same range of attractiveness who have checked on this site in the past weekend within a reasonable driving distance. I guarantee you, of those 3, 7-8% or less will answer a well-structured email, and less will answer a quick one. It takes me around 20 minutes to write a decent letter and cut it shorter than 2 paragraphs (as mark twain said-ish, 'Sorry this is so long, I didn't have time to write a shorter letter!'). Do the multiplication, here; I'll wait.

It just does not make sense to put my time in here, if finding a date is my goal. Nor should it be for any man. I come here out of habit, and for the stimulating conversation; that's it.

You're correct, as far as it goes. If finding a date or some hot episodic sex were my goal, I'd be hitting the same sorts of places you do. I used to do the books things, I love to read too, and I also found it very easy to impress the opposite sex with my mind. And when I was younger, sufi dancing was the "we're doing this for a spritual reason but we're all really here just to get laid" steath-dating flavor of the month. Clubs, bookish events, and the semi-spiritual "go show off your body" meets were ideal hunting grounds when hot episodic sex was all I wanted.

It almost goes without saying that different people have different goals and while there are a lot of confused individuals on this site who think online is a better avenue for getting laid than real life, there are also some quietly determined people who do not think they'll be able to find a woman worth enslaving for a lifetime in a club where everyone is drunk off their asses or at some pseudo-shamanistic "check out my hot bod while we all pretend to be so cooly spirtural" event. Whether it's an intial probing of the state of someone's mind and core attitudes or a very in-depth exploration of their personality and psyche, nothing beats online, text-only, nothing-physical-to-distract-you, communication. Those of us looking to explore that way or be explored that way know this instinctively, and are drawn to places like this, as abysmally and miserably confused as they often are. This is our means of connection. And it works--if you are patient enough. What is patient enough? There's not set period of time you can put on something like this. No silly, "If I don't find my slavegirl in one year, two years, five years, I'M LEAVING!" You have to assume the attitude that it will happen when it happens. And so you put out all the right signs, knowing that thousands will pass by your door unable or unwilling to read them, blinded by their own needs which are often very different from what they state on their profiles.

quote:

Now, if I were a woman, the situation would be completely different. There's a retarded number of available men around; it's shooting fish in a barrel. Fortunately for me, they're all on their computers instead of where the best women are.

Actually, there are an insane number of retarded men availalable here, but sex with the mentally disabled has never struck me as very fulfilling. There are a few profiles that seem to have promise, far fewer though if you are looking for something not very common, and in many cases the individual is involved or no longer frequenting the site.

The idea of "best women" changes for most men as life works its unavoidable changes upon them. Best for what? is the question. And it's a question that has very different answers depending upon your stage and circumstances in life.

quote:

But really, you're looking at this from the perspective of a woman. Compatibility is not easy to judge when you're meeting strangers, and female 'friends' are the bane of most men's existence when those friends are actually women they'd like to date. So compatibility almost seems like a curse to them. It is possible to break out of the friend zone, but most men just don't have the knowledge of how to do so, and blaming them for not trying to stick to 'compatible people' is... ugh. Very female.

Compatibility is more of a question when you have a surplus of choices available and presented to you. It's not the first thing that a man on the hunt looks for, nor should it be, until he learns how to avoid its pitfalls.

Compatibility is not a gender-specific concept. It's the concept of a person who has moved beyond the infantile idea that getting sex is rare and something so very hard that you have to use all of your will and wits to procure. It annoys me a bit that so many men are buying this primitive advertising idea (that X is rare and that to get X you have to be stronger, smarter, Y'er than the other chromosones, er, guys), and unsually from online sources, lol. And they actually buy it. They lapz up ze methods! I think methods appeal to the tinkerer, fix-it side of the male mind, the side that wants a clear logical, step-by-step procedure that works every time...rather than having to "wing it." Plenty of men who don't buy the female-as-scarce-resource myth can get laid by just being their fascinating spontaneous selves, find themselves seeking soemthing more that the shallow women who lay them. The latter, no matter how phsyically attractive, get... boring. There's only 2-3 basic personality types, none of them very attractive, and they repeat, over and over and over again. Yawn. So... you start to get a bit picky. You start to look for someone who can stun you on all levels, not just physically. But where do you find such a person?

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 34

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 7:57:15 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Can't comment regarding ALT... I joined, looked at it for some two or three minutes and left shaking My head at how dire it was.

Whoever I don't think sites like this 'created' some peoples belief that they only have to join and things would arrive on a silver platter without needing them to develop any social skills... I think the natural stupidity of such people did that all on its lonesome. The sites might not have helped dissuade them of that nonsense however.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 35

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 9:03:11 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I appreciate all of the responses so far. Thank you, everyone.

I have to agree with the comments about some of this is the result of being an instant gratification society. This probably isn't the nicest thing I've ever said, but if I was in business, I'd probably use that to My advantage. If people thought it could be delivered for throwing down some cash for a subscription fee, I know I'd be increasing My profits. Once that three month period was over, it wouldn't matter if that customer would be entitled to free membership for a while, because I'd still be fleecing new customers during the same period. As long as people believed it and signed up, I'd still be in business. Though, it does make Me wonder how long that will last if, as Dark Steven said, the women are leaving in droves.

Alt was actually the first kink site that I was on. Before Fet, it was the best way for Me to talk with the people that I visited in Atlanta so often when I lived in another city. I did find submissives there and I did connect with play partners there. As a woman, I never paid a dime for Alt and I never ran into the issue of needing a subscription because women got enough profile views to entitle them to "free" membership. It's been years since I was on the site, and the information about the guarantee was interesting to Me.

I also appreciated the link to the article. I can't remember the percentages, but it did confirm My thoughts on how small the number is of folks who are the success storied. (I know some of those folks are on this thread.) OKCupid does seem to come up with some interesting statistics and information on what transpires during online dating. There have been other articles that have been posted in the past on other threads that I think males should definitely read. Especially those regarding what is more likely to get women to respond and what doesn't.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 36

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 11:56:52 AM

submitting4U

Posts: 64
Joined: 8/16/2010
Status: offline

I've been on Alt and AFF and never really found a woman interested in a longer term relationship, D/s type, with me the /s. Here on CM, mostly financial dommes have contacted me despite my many efforts to reach out to dominant women here in CT. There is a pervasive mistrust and given the publicity of online mishaps (Craigslist, etc), many folks are reluctant to date. As a result, I've put more effort into my relational needs with PRO Dommes ... paying them goes hand in hand with domination. So, i beg and pay more for what i need. It's not ideal, but older slaves have fewer choices and i am resigned. Less expectation in this regard lessens the disappointments.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 37

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 1:05:45 PM

eihwaz

Posts: 367
Joined: 10/6/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
That's the usual reason they come to places like this. But they won't find their answers here.

Perhaps not a date or a relationship, but the forums do include many illuminating discussions about relationships, which provide great insight into the possibilities and the characteristics of a good one. I've also read a few good dating threads, mostly troubleshooting. The most oft repeated dating advice is, of course: Get away from the computer and into real life.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 38

RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/26/2010 1:39:17 PM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: eihwaz
The most oft repeated dating advice is, of course: Get away from the computer and into real life.

THIS.

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RE: Is This Where It Comes From? - 10/27/2010 1:42:25 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

If finding a date or some hot episodic sex were my goal, I'd be hitting the same sorts of places you do.

Sigh... this is a myth. Or maybe rather, it's a myth that women who go to clubs are just there for the quick sexin'.

Plenty are, sure, but not all. And girls worth having a relationship with go there just about as often as girls who are worth having a relationship with exist.

There is a double standard here, though. Because I'll buy that most guys who go to clubs are looking for easy prey. Of course, a club is one of the worst places to find easy prey, given the competition, but that's marketing for you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
I used to do the books things, I love to read too, and I also found it very easy to impress the opposite sex
with my mind. And when I was younger, sufi dancing was the "we're doing this for a spritual reason but we're all really here just to get laid" steath-dating flavor of the month. Clubs, bookish events, and the semi-spiritual "go show off your body" meets were ideal hunting grounds when hot episodic sex was all I wanted.

And out of all that, none of the guys you met ended up long-term with you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
some pseudo-shamanistic "check out my hot bod while we all pretend to be so cooly spirtural" event.

Someone is cynical about something here, but I'm not exactly sure where. The pseudo-mysticism? I'm an old hat at that. I'm a programmer who dabbles in proof theory, so sure, I can sympathize with poorly grounded mysticism setting your teeth on edge. But hell, it's fun. I play D&D too, and I don't believe in dragons. Well, komodo dragons. Red dragons are obviously real, and they own Disney.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Whether it's an intial probing of the state of someone's mind and core attitudes or a very in-depth exploration of their personality and psyche, nothing beats online, text-only, nothing-physical-to-distract-you, communication.

Interesting perspective, and true to a significant degree. Part of the reason I like talking online. But I have to argue two points.
1. One's persona online, and one's persona in real life, can be drastically different. And don't even get me started on Myspace angle pics. Getting to know someone's state of mind can be as misleading as it is revealing, sometimes.
2. It takes too much time to find a compatable, attractive woman online. Sure, it's possible; just like fishing in the Gulf of Mexico right now might get you a fish (agrochem runoff reference... if you don't get this, nevermind. I'm nerding out.) I still wouldn't try fishing there right now, unless I cared more about the relaxing idea of swinging my pole all day than I did of catching a fish.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Those of us looking to explore that way or be explored that way know this instinctively, and are drawn to places like this, as abysmally and miserably confused as they often are.

Oh, please. Key in the above - "abysmally and miserably confused."

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

quote:

ORIGINAL:DMFParadox
There's a retarded number of available men around

Actually, there are an insane number of retarded men availalable here

Ooh goody, you went and got all wordplay clever on me. I totally did not see this coming. Really? Are there bunches of men who are irritating you poor, benighted women on this site? Are most men stupid and dull? Are you deserving of a better class of man? Tell me this information I had not learned of before by legions of other women.

More to the point, I addressed this. block your inbox. Unblock only those men whom you've made first contact with. Browse profiles, find ones you like and open the dialog. Send emails like men have to. Bitch and moan after that, and I will still laugh at you, because you still have it easier than men do on this site.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
The idea of "best women" changes for most men as life works its unavoidable changes upon them. Best for what? is the question. And it's a question that has very different answers depending upon your stage and circumstances in life.

You know, this is kind of true. Men start ignoring their hormones to look for stability over attraction, and to a degree - a slight degree - the hormones themselves change. But what happens, then?

Often, they find that the more stable women are the younger, better looking ones.

Younger women are statistically more likely to be looking for marriage. More attractive women are also usually healthier and more active, mentally and physically. It's a myth that the smartest people are bookish nerds.

A fun link for you: http://knol.google.com/k/men-dating-much-younger-women-part-1-the-myths-and-the-reasons#

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Compatibility is not a gender-specific concept.

Oh wow is that wrong. Sure, in the general sense, yes. Of how everyone looking is looking for 'compatable'. Also, in the very specific case, of one person's compatability requirements not being subject to reductionism; that's just bad statistics. But in the applied case of what masses of men look for in personality, appearance and behavior, versus what the masses of women search for, there are drastic differences.

http://blog.okcupid.com/

I'm giving you the general link, not the specific one, because practically every blog post they have shows evidence of this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
It's the concept of a person who has moved beyond the infantile idea that getting sex is rare and something so very hard that you have to use all of your will and wits to procure.

Not infantile. I used to frequent a men's group called the 'Secret Spartans'. Corny, but whatev. There were: Doctors; millionaire businessmen; plumbers; college students, all attending, because figuring out attraction is hard.

Again, you're looking at this from the inside out. Women, en masse, do not like to advertise what works in getting them into bed. Men don't have easy guides on how to talk to you. And we do get shot down if we make one of a loooong list of mistakes.

It's easy once you have the right mindset, with the experiences of both success and failure to back you up, and a bag of social 'tricks' to get you past awkward moments and recover your confidence. It is not easy to get to that point.

Don't underestimate the power of performance anxiety in the male psyche. Used to be, hitting on the wrong woman could get you killed real quick. Sometimes still does.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

I think methods appeal to the tinkerer, fix-it side of the male mind

How can you make a statement like 'compatability is not gender-specific' in one breath, and then a gender-biased statement like this in the very next??

Not that you're wrong. About men being tinkerers, that is, who like 'methods' and 'programs'. Just that a statement like that, that so obviously relates to a lens at least one sex would view compatibility through, is just... blind.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
There's only 2-3 basic personality types, none of them very attractive

Pure horseshit, here.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 10/27/2010 1:47:33 AM >

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"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 40

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