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RE: how to bottom - 10/18/2010 8:19:29 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I've Topped before, even though I don;t make a habit of it. Whether the session or date was focused on physical, emotional or mental aspects of BDSM, I always thought of the bottom as a sub/slave on short term rental lease. A frame work of mutual goals was discussed in advance so we would both get something out of it. Then we just took it from there.

Good luck, have fun.

thanks for this RS - i think thats where my head will be - on short term loan. that way my focus is on pleasing, which is how ive learnt to process BDSM play so far.

sexyred, i know exactly what youre saying. i used to be really adamant about that, feeling that there was no way i could submit to BDSM without being in a submission to them. but im no longer dating from the internet (sick of the whole bloody process to be honest) - going to local groups and munches and clubs is the direction im going, so when in rome and all that. besides its an experience - i might hate it, it might be fun i might end up really loving it, but im not going to know till ive tried it.

the 'gang' are brilliant fun - so here goes nothing... lol

< Message edited by lally2 -- 10/18/2010 8:20:43 AM >

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Post #: 21

RE: how to bottom - 10/18/2010 8:23:24 AM

lally2

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thank you everyone for all of youre input, its really helped to straighten out my thinking or over thinking (lol - smiles at DS).

im just going to go and have fun with my new friends and with all of this advice i know i wont be hung up on how to be.

bottoms up!

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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Post #: 22

RE: how to bottom - 10/18/2010 9:09:53 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
what reactions do Tops tend to hope for -

if i explain to them that i usually struggle a bit with pain, i might cry and squirm a bit too, but in the end its the catharsis at the end -

i know this all sounds a bit stupid and unbelievable even, maybe, i just want to get it right and if theres a way of doing things that Tops enjoy more ill have something to aim for.

Honestly, I just hope that they communicate. Playing with someone who isn't your submissive is new territory. There is a different energy and each one brings a new experience. It's the interaction that is awesome. Being your unique self is the best thing that you can be. If I get that as a top, I'm pretty damn happy.

I know you're nervous, but trust Me on this one.

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RE: how to bottom - 10/18/2010 9:18:53 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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there's nothing like great one on one first hand advice and you got a lot... I've nothing to add but to suggest you pick up Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt's book called The Bottoming Book ... might be perfect for you

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Post #: 24

RE: how to bottom - 10/18/2010 9:53:28 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
but im no longer dating from the internet (sick of the whole bloody process to be honest) - going to local groups and munches and clubs is the direction im going, so when in rome and all that. besides its an experience - i might hate it, it might be fun i might end up really loving it, but im not going to know till ive tried it.

the 'gang' are brilliant fun - so here goes nothing... lol

Take up dancing Lally, check out Ceroc, it is all over England, there must be a venue close to you too, it is brilliant; lets you play follow the leader till you drop, mmmm

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RE: how to bottom - 10/24/2010 6:15:21 PM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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Hi lally,
I want My subs/bottoms to be honest in their reactions. So I enjoy them squirming a bit, yelping or even just that "oooohh!" at a good strike. I also want them to tell Me if their arms are aching from being tied to the cross, or they have an itchy nose or whatever! Most Ds I know want the same feedback. I did have one bottom who was into the stoic silence thing, and whilst I could respect that as his way, I didn't get much enjoyment out of it. It was a bit like pounding the steak for dinner! It just didn't create that mental connection that I enjoy so much.

In a bottoming situation you get to negotiate how much is OK and I do suggest using a safeword/signal as neither you or the Top will know each other well enough to read each other's reactions in a foolproof way. Do make sure if you need to use it that it can be heard in a noisy arena. I usually check on the bottom regularly and ask them what their word is (green/orange/red) close enough to be sure of hearing/lipreading the answer, but it's also easy to have a back up signal in case the Top doesn't ask at the time you need to communicate! Especially if you think you might give off negative body language (eg squirming, crying) when you don't actually want it to stop, a safeword/signal can be useful. That said, never rely 100% on it, a Top should know that subs can get deeper into space where it is impossible to actually use the word or signal.

It pays the Top to be ready for any reaction ... I've seen subs growl and spit ... and as a sub myself, i go off into peals of laughter! If you know from previous experience that you might do something a little unusual ... pre-warn the Top!

Good luck, have fun, and enjoy a new world of experience! I think the short-term loan idea is a great way to look at it.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: how to bottom - 10/24/2010 6:38:03 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

ok, so duffass question coming up:

when ive been to clubs the reactions ive watched from bottoms has varied from nothing, no reaction at all to a sort of sub space silence and one woman i remember getting a paddling seemed to be one long grumble to be honest. i dont think ive ever seen anyone cry or yelp or squirm -

what reactions do Tops tend to hope for -

if i explain to them that i usually struggle a bit with pain, i might cry and squirm a bit too, but in the end its the catharsis at the end -

i know this all sounds a bit stupid and unbelievable even, maybe, i just want to get it right and if theres a way of doing things that Tops enjoy more ill have something to aim for.

You want unbelievable you should come by sometime when a lovely top is taking me to the heights of space. I've been to known to curse, then giggle, mumble something about shrimp pasta and make noises that sound like the Sims from the games.

Just explain the way you think you are going to react - sometimes it good to know. A friend told a story about a particular person breaking into tears and sobbing on the last blow. Only they hadn't warned my friend so my friend was very concerned about them until someone else explained it was normal for them.

Reactions will vary and a top with some experience under their belt will know that. Honestly, it's been my experience that they aren't hoping for a specific reaction. The tops I've played with have simply thrilled that they got me to the headspace I wanted and that, in seeing me jump and moan and scream, they got to where they wanted.

My only serious advice is to discuss aftercare a bit. Everyone has their own needs and, while this isn't someone you are in a relationship with, I find that the tops I play with want to make sure I come down nicely. Sadly for me, my aftercare needs are somewhat strange (though not complicated as it's pretty much 'take me to the social area and cover me with a blanket and please don't cuddle me') so I try to remember to discuss them ahead of time.

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Post #: 27

RE: how to bottom - 10/24/2010 6:38:54 PM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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For me, bottoming just means there isn't a power exchange involved, that I don't react submissively. I can bottom in a LTR or with a casual playpartner, though generally I can't play casually with people I'm interested in a relationship with. I was caught by surprise by reacting submissively when I had only planned to bottom, and it really didn't work out - he wanted me to be his submissive, but not his girlfriend, and it just did a number on me. At this point, I have a woman who is my playpartner, and she and I get along great in that respect. I want someone who I can be all fuzzy and romantic and sexual with as well as doing S/M and hopefully D/s.

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RE: how to bottom - 11/9/2010 6:59:38 PM

buzzhappyranger

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Joined: 8/16/2007
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as a top, I enjoy playing with somebody that reacts a lot , as opposed to someone that just "takes it"....It is the way I am build and seeing someone squirm and whine a little makes my vocal self show up more, and I start talking more, teasing more, etc....

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Post #: 29

RE: how to bottom - 11/10/2010 4:30:18 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

dont tell me not to go

All right, I won't tell you not to go. I will say that all my attempts to do this sort of thing back in the day (I was never really attracted to this but I wanted to "fit in" with my friends who were) were pointlessly alienating at their worst...to boring at their best. I can't get sexually or emotionally (in a positive way, that is) aroused by strangers no matter how skillful their topping is. I don't mind watching, particularly establishd couples with a clear bond, but random physical acts in public with people I don't know or do not want to know cheapen the experience for me and occasionally add some elements (public display, exhibitionism, vanity, and emotional numbness) that I do not like to encourage in myself. I think this is a dead end for a certain type of submissive personality. I don't know if you are that type, although you say things at times that make me speculate that you are. But all of this may be something you cannot know until you try it. So good luck!

I know, this is one of those awful responses where the person says, "I cannot get into the headspace of... whatever the thread starter wanted." Sorry. :/ On the positive side, I mean to convey, "just be a careful out there and try to know, before you go, exactly why you are doing doing this." Understanding one's own motivations thoroughly would seem to be a good start in getting the most out of a new experience that you want to try.

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RE: how to bottom - 11/10/2010 4:39:00 AM

DesFIP

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Personally I wouldn't try to force it. Some of us need an intimate connection, or a strong degree of chemistry at least.

But I can't believe that out of all the sensation play you've experienced you can't look back and say that you most disliked x and most enjoyed y. Didn't your past dominants ever do to you the things that made you relax and floaty? Didn't they ever want to see you in a happy space as a result of play? If so, what sort of things were most dependable to put you there?

Me, I love rope, I enjoy a medium to hard spanking, I strongly prefer thud to sting. Now there are lots of things I haven't tried but those would be enough for a first time playing. However, if you really haven't ever enjoyed anything in itself, then just tell whoever you play with that. Tell them you don't know what you will or won't enjoy sensationwise, and ask them to experiment, just to gauge your reactions.

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