How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding?

How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid

Message

MissAsylum -> How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 10:43:45 AM)
One of my dear friends is getting married next year after being with her wonderful boyfriend for 7 years.[:D] i'm one of 4 in the bridal party, including the maid of honor. Her mother isn't taking part in the actual planning/paying for the wedding, but is taking it upon herself to invite everybody. and i do mean EVERYBODY that my friend has come in contact since she came into existence (the list is currently up to 400+). the grooms side is only about 10 people. While in my perfect world, my friend would grow a spine and tell her mother to stop inviting people that she doesn't really know, that won't happen. She is a big pushover(bless her heart), so she will never dispute what her mother says. However, the other members of the bridal party, including myself, are not her mother's children, so we could care less what the mother wants. Especially since we have been delegated a lot of the duties involved for the wedding. I've already gifted a 4 digit monetary gift to my friend as my wedding gift, but that won't even REMOTELY put a dent in the debt she and her groom will have when this is over (why he isn't involved? the mother figuratively broke his balls...poor dude). So since the mother isn't paying at all, my bride-to-be and the rest of the bridal party decided to finalize the guest list WAY before the mother will get a chance to alter it. So since this has to be done rather quickly- how can my friend decided who to invite?

littlewonder -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 11:37:03 AM)
for me it would be simple.... the groom would invite whoever he wanted and I would invite my sisters excluding one, my mother, a few of my best friends, my aunts and uncles and their kids and that would be it. altogether the list would probably be smaller than a hundred people. In reality if I ever got married again it would be the same as my first...me, the groom and a justice of the peace.

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 11:39:54 AM)
me personally, it would be immediate family, very close friends, and i would call it a day. if they never call me on my birthday, i probably wouldn't invite them.

Lockit -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 11:51:53 AM)
So the grooms balls have been broken and the bride is a push over... this is going to go well! I say if people aren't strong enough or adult enough to call the shots on their own wedding and work out the details of overbearing adults no matter who they are... what makes them think they are ready for the challenges of marriage? And why are you enabling them in the situation? You can be supportive of friends, but broken balls and push overs are serious business. Are you sure you want to be involved?

January -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 12:16:23 PM)
The wedding isn't until next year. Why does anything have to be finalized quickly? How can the mother invite anyone to a wedding she isn't planning? The bride sends out invitations. This is when the decision has to be made. No confrontation with Mom needed. Just send out 50 invites. Surely the brides knows who her friends are. And yeah, and I agree with Lockit, if the bride is willing to put up with a seven year engagement, and her mother's interference, and a load of debt, the relationship is doomed. I was just talking to my husband yesterday about how it seems that the glamour and expense of the wedding is inversely related to the success of the marriage. I decided I was being unfair. Too many marriages fail as it is. Good reason not to go fancy. (I wore a white cotton dress and sandals and a flower wreath in my hair for my wedding--and we are going on three decades.) This is much ado about the entirely wrong thing. January

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 12:28:19 PM)
i can't really judge the relationship- he makes her happy, there is no abuse, i'm not of any authority here.

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 12:29:37 PM)
i'm not quite sure how i'm enabling them. quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit So the grooms balls have been broken and the bride is a push over... this is going to go well! I say if people aren't strong enough or adult enough to call the shots on their own wedding and work out the details of overbearing adults no matter who they are... what makes them think they are ready for the challenges of marriage? And why are you enabling them in the situation? You can be supportive of friends, but broken balls and push overs are serious business. Are you sure you want to be involved? ETA: Happy Birthday Lockit!

Lockit -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 12:42:11 PM)
Read the three paragraphs in the middle of your post and then think about it. Then think of how deep your involvement is, that you would talk about your friends situation with a bunch of strangers. You sound very invested in business that adults should be able to sort out and handle themselves. We enable people when we do what they need to be doing and must watch over them because they aren't watching over themselves to the point of delegating adult reactions or situations to others to worry about. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

barelynangel -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 12:49:55 PM)
Who is being invited to me has nothing to do with the bridesmaids. I would stay out of this and simply be there to write out the invitations. In the end, this is her mother and this is her wedding, its none of your business. What the bride may try is give her mom a certain # of people she can invite and tell her mom to narrow her own list or the whole list will be left out of the invitations because they can't afford it. There is no way in hell i could ever tell my parents they aren't allowed to invite people to my wedding. If i were having a formal wedding. However, if i were paying for it, i would give them a certain amount they are allowed to invite as THEIR guests plus 1 if some are single. And what she should do if mom goes over that number is take the first guests up to the number of people she gave for her mom to invite (remember the plus one). But she needs to tell her mom who she has invited and hasn't invited from her mom's list so her mom isn't put into an ackward position of telling people they will receive an invite when they may not. And give her mom final okay over her choices in case mom wants to substitute. Give mom a date certain she needs to have this done by or the bride is going with her original list. Also, is mom aware of how her daughter feels? I mean the daughter could be encouraging her mom's doing this inadvertantly by taking the additions as her mom gives them to her. But my advice is stay out of what does not concern you -- and the wedding guests do not concern you as a bridesmaid. All you need is the number of guests coming as a bridesmaid because that is needed for ordering things. It doesn't sound to me like you respect these people at all, the bride, the groom or the mother. So its hard to see why you agreed to be a part of the wedding party. angel

Hillwilliam -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 1:26:52 PM)
The one paying the damn bills makes the damn rules...............nuff saud

Lockit -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 1:32:37 PM)
[sm=poke.gif] Hillwilliam! Why come in here with just a few words and make all the sense in the world when we are going the drama and philosophical routes?! lol Good post!

DesFIP -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 1:55:13 PM)
She needs to tell her mother the list is closed, or that she can pay for all her friends. However there is a middle way, to send announcements to people but not invitations. Otherwise, it's their friends and loved ones. And if she and the fiance can't get the guts to say no to mama, the marriage is doomed. You might suggest they move cross country to get some space. But I suggest learning healthy boundaries would be better. So perhaps give them a book on that?

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 3:21:19 PM)
while i respect your opinion- this is hardly an issue of me not respecting anybody. i've know the bride-to-be since i've moved to the US. she has admitted herself that she is a pushover, long before i posted this. she is a sweetheart, and this one of those times where being very soft in nature works against her. i don't know her mother, having just met her, and i'm not going to form a true opinion about her until after the wedding. weddings tend to make perfectly rational people into lunatics. and since my appointed duty(which i could kick myself for, had i known the list would expand to the number that it did) is to organize the guests as far as what to order for food, drinks, favors and the like- it concerns me a bit when i get 10 calls a day on adding more and more people. maybe i have more responsibilities than a typical bridesmaid( i certainly didn't do a third of what i'm doing now in a previous wedding, but there was a wedding planner hired), and i'm fine with that. i also agreed to be a bridesmaid for a number of personal reasons and she is one of my best friends. it is an honor for me to be asked. she didn't have to invite me to be a part of one of the most important days of her life, but she did- so i will be the best bridesmaid i can possibly be.

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 3:24:29 PM)
agreed. i wasn't there to know what exactly happened to make him scared of her, but i learned from watching my brother in-law with my mother that he will be screwed in the long run. but i have faith that he will learn how to deal better. hopefully its sooner rather than later. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP She needs to tell her mother the list is closed, or that she can pay for all her friends. However there is a middle way, to send announcements to people but not invitations. Otherwise, it's their friends and loved ones. And if she and the fiance can't get the guts to say no to mama, the marriage is doomed. You might suggest they move cross country to get some space. But I suggest learning healthy boundaries would be better. So perhaps give them a book on that?

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 3:31:04 PM)
Ah. Gotcha. While she is not involved with this lifestyle( she finds it "icky" ), i have mentioned to her that this forum is a wealth of knowledge on any subject that i have had questions about. she plainly said to me, "yeah, whatever- find something out. i'm running out of ideas and need some help." only condition- don't mention my name or post my photo. and this is just my opinion- but it helps to hear another person's take if they are not involved with the situation.

poise -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 3:50:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum While in my perfect world, my friend would grow a spine and tell her mother to stop inviting people that she doesn't really know, that won't happen. She is a big pushover(bless her heart), so she will never dispute what her mother says. However, the other members of the bridal party, including myself, are not her mother's children, so we could care less what the mother wants. Especially since we have been delegated a lot of the duties involved for the wedding. So since the mother isn't paying at all, my bride-to-be and the rest of the bridal party decided to finalize the guest list WAY before the mother will get a chance to alter it. I get the impression that you are treating this more like that fashion show you were asked to do make-up on than to be an honored brides-maid at the most important day of your best friends life. You have to step back and realize this isn't your world, and the frantic mother is always an integral part of any wedding preparation. The mother may be simply thinking of everyone possible, knowing the worst thing in the world is to leave someone out. She will eventually simmer down some and together her and your best friend will be able to pick a select group of guests to make it an affordable yet happy wedding. Her mother has some valuable imput that you may overlook. My advice to you, the bride, and the rest of the bridal party is for all of you to confer on a set deadline to finalize the exact number of guests, which will avoid you getting any annoying phone calls.

MissAsylum -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 3:53:32 PM)
not at all. i'd have no friends at all if i did. lol but seriously- we all(including the bride) have decided on this. quote: ORIGINAL: poise quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum While in my perfect world, my friend would grow a spine and tell her mother to stop inviting people that she doesn't really know, that won't happen. She is a big pushover(bless her heart), so she will never dispute what her mother says. However, the other members of the bridal party, including myself, are not her mother's children, so we could care less what the mother wants. Especially since we have been delegated a lot of the duties involved for the wedding. So since the mother isn't paying at all, my bride-to-be and the rest of the bridal party decided to finalize the guest list WAY before the mother will get a chance to alter it. I get the impression that you are treating this more like that fashion show you were asked to do make-up on than to be an honored brides-maid at the most important day of your best friends life. You have to step back and realize this isn't your world, and the frantic mother is always an integral part of any wedding preparation. The mother may be simply thinking of everyone possible, knowing the worst thing in the world is to leave someone out. She will eventually simmer down some and together her and your best friend will be able to pick a select group of guests to make it an affordable yet happy wedding. Her mother has some valuable imput that you may overlook. My advice to you, the bride, and the rest of the bridal party is for all of you to confer on a set deadline to finalize the exact number of guests, which will avoid you getting any annoying phone calls.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 4:52:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit [sm=poke.gif] Hillwilliam! Why come in here with just a few words and make all the sense in the world when we are going the drama and philosophical routes?! lol Good post! It's what Doms do.

sunshinemiss -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 5:09:03 PM)
Hello Asylum, I have a different perspective. This is her mother. Now you may not think it's important to please her, but rarely is life black and white. While I agree there needs to be some reining in, also let's not forget the importance of this relationship. Her mother is clearly important to her. If she didn't care about her mother's feelings, she would have said no to her mother long ago. Here is my suggestion for what it's worth (to be accepted, tweaked or tossed in the trash). Make the list of X number of people. Write their actual names. You give her a small piece of paper - 25 on one side, 25 on the other. There's no room for more writing. It's a visual thing. The 10 people he wants are listed, the 17 she wants are listed, the 15 that are folks they both know, and then they hand the list to mom and say "we know you want some people that you care for to come to the wedding. We've saved a few spots so you can choose those people. You know we are having a small wedding and can't accomodate a lot of people, but we want you to be comfortable and have a few friends there too. This is after all a big day for you, too! Your little girl is getting married." I say this because not only does she care about her mom but wants to maintain the relationship. Most people don't take kindly to having doors slammed in their faces. By acknowledging her (the mother) concerns, you can go a long way in keeping relationships positive. Will it be perfect? No. But mom wants to show off. She wants to preen and say "look at what a great daughter I have. I'm so proud!" I say let her... at least a little bit. good luck, sunshine

DarkSteven -> RE: How to Decide Who To Invite To A Wedding? (10/16/2010 5:18:41 PM)
It's etiquette for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. If that's the case here, let her invite whomever she wants. If not, then she's being a bitch, but not to you. So just smile and take it. Your friend didn't appoint you to look after her best interests. As far as organizing the guests - get their email addresses and use SurveyMonkey or Zoomerang for them. Give them a few choices and let them vote. Taking individual phone calls will drive you nuts. Good luck. This too shall pass. (Like a kidney stone.)

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625