RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In

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SebastianK -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 5:02:56 PM)
quote: I think the appropriate metaphor for newbies who join the BDSM world is that their fantasy is like a newborn baby. If they want it to thrive in this new world of reality . . . then it will need careful nurturing. Few people will put up with the screams and smell of poop a baby produces the way its 'mother' can. I seriously laughed at this one! :-D There has been many good ones so far, but this one got me right in the funnybone. LadyPact, thanks for this thread. It's brilliant and a great idea. My personal headshaky moments often come when I see the "I have no limits" things. My first thought is always "Yeah, you do, you might not know it yet, but really, don't say that. Stop and think for a moment. You'll probably find at least one thing you'd not want to do." Same goes for total enslavement w. no rights, the whole nine yards, that some people ask for. I know that is the true ideal for some people, and that's completely fine by me, but I doubt it's as common as I seem to see it on profiles - especially from people who also claim little or no experience. Fantasies and dreams are not the same as reality. I sincerely doubt all these people really want to be sold into old-time slavery... Have a taste first, see how you feel, then decide if that really is the way you want to live your life. If you do, then by all means go for it! (Disclaimer: This does not pertain to people who use the term slave in general. At all. I hope it made sense...) [Edited for spelling and clarification. I shouldn't type this late at night ;-) ]

samboct -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 5:08:53 PM)
I think I may be able to shed some light on the porno fantasy linkage and BDSM. How many have been on alt.com? AFAIK- all the adult friendfinder sites are owned by Penthouse magazine. Since you have to shell out $$ if you're a guy to get an account that will actually allow you to send an email to a woman, are you surprised that people that have been on this site have kind of a warped view of BDSM relationships? Let's just say that the site has a "porno feel." Also- to give the devil his due- the track record of responses and actually meeting someone on Alt may have been higher than here. I fully agree with the comments that often on a date with someone met off this site- we have TMI (too much information.) We know too much about a person's sexual preferences and not enough about what books they like, what makes them laugh, how they approach a challenge....It makes a first date a bit different- so its not all that surprising that some folks think that actually meeting people should be more like a porno movie. Another issue that needs to be addressed- the profiles that haunt this site regularly fall into several categories: those that post on the boards, those that just like to leave the site on and aren't actively viewing it, and those folks who have such odd requirements that even with a lot of experience, the odds of finding a human to match are lottery odds. From a guy's perspective, it seems that one needs to be an expert carpenter or web designer, tall, with the looks of Brad Pitt to get 5 minutes of time from a domme- who's already married or has a stable of other slaves. Since the people who've found suitable companionship are likely no longer on this site or visit far less frequently- the result of regularly seen profiles tends to skew to the rather "unusual." It can be disheartening. Sam

DarkSteven -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 5:11:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint The shock comes from the fact that BDSMers have morals and values just like most adults. Sorta. To a vanilla, the idea of tying up another person and then paddling them while they squirm helplessly is a complete taboo. So vanillas can get confused by the idea that we break some of their taboos but very selectively, and not all of them.

lizi -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 5:41:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Sorta. To a vanilla, the idea of tying up another person and then paddling them while they squirm helplessly is a complete taboo. So vanillas can get confused by the idea that we break some of their taboos but very selectively, and not all of them. Exactly. Hence the married men looking to get something on the side here because hey...this is a sex site so order me up some NSA sex and/or kink.

peacefulplace -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 5:44:49 PM)
What can I say? I was a victim of the fantasy fetish for about a year before I could fully commit to a Dom. I knew nothing of BDSM when I met him, and what I knew frightened me. I thought I would be gang banged, given away, shared, and so on. Probably, that idea came from BDSM porn. I believed more than once that I would have to call things off rather than become some superiffic whore at my Dom's direction. What I wanted was a relationship in which I could finally feel the freedom of giving up control, which I am not allowed to do very often due to my relationships with others and my profession. Once I realized that he wanted that control and would take it, rather than having a bunch of sex orgies, my life became complete.

gungadin09 -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 7:32:59 PM)
Okay, i'm one of the newbies. On behalf of all of us, i would just like to say, thank you all for putting up with our nonsense. i'm sure we act really ignorant sometimes, and it probably takes a lot of patience not to tell us so. Ah, well. Live and learn. pam

pyroaquatic -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 8:07:00 PM)
Dear Lady Pact, Common Sense is not so common. If this were not true then this topic would not exist. With that.... Without a solid foundation our houses would become quite wobbly and flimsy. Like a bag in the wind. The people who come onto this site and ask questions are not really looking for advice. They are looking for tricks and shortcuts. The easy way out. Quite possibly people are looking for validity in the bag in the wind approach. I take the path of great resistance.

takemeforyourown -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/6/2010 10:10:34 PM)
I fell into D/s completely unexpectedly with a man I met on a vanilla dating site. I never had any expectations because I was completely innocent of BDSM. I'm glad it happened that way. CM has been a wonderful learning experience for me.

ranja -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 1:17:18 AM)
i agree with the entire post, but at the same time our life as a common sense married couple was soooooo boring it nearly killed us and once we embraced the kink things improved dramatically, now we have fun again

Blankpain -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 4:36:37 AM)
Oh no! You mean life does NOT imitate porn! oh my. Swoons.

Kana -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 4:45:59 AM)
Yep, yep, nods head. What the newbies miss (I suspect because such things never entered into their fantasies, which was the case with me) is that when ya take off the collars and cuffs, the fishnets, lace and leather, at it's roots,it's just a relationship. Nothing more, nothing less. And because it's a relationship, it contains all the problems, wonders, heartbreaks, joys, willingness and lots and lots of effort to make it work.

ReginaMirus -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 5:41:11 AM)
And then again, there are some people that would rather bypass the notion of actually having a relationship (because they already have a vanilla one), and just skip right to the goodies.

NuevaVida -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 7:36:52 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ I think some people have a notion of what M/s is "supposed" to look like, and then try to live accordingly, instead of just being who they are and letting things flow from there. "A Master is supposed to act...." "As a slave, should I do....?" I see a lot of statements like that, in which people are trying to fit into the label, rather than just being themselves and letting whatever appropriate label (if any) define them - - and being OK with that. The other thing that can throw someone is, these relationship styles can differ greatly. Not everyone wants a loving, caring, partnership. Some O/p relationships are hardly that - they are Keeper and servant and that fulfills them. They don't go to movies together, or take strolls down the beach together; they enjoy a much different dynamic. So, someone new coming in may think all M/s & D/s relationships are like that, and try to fit the bill. Further, there is a notion that "all slaves must be willing to please all the time, perfectly obedient all the time and never have a negative thought - ever." Slaves are people too, lol. We're going to have bad days. Some of us aren't really that submissive at all, but need ownership. It really is OK to have feelings and express them. It really is OK to struggle with doing something that doesn't feel so appealing. We don't all fit into the same jello mold. If people could understand that they only need to be themselves, rather than try to squeeze themselves into a definition, they might be a lot happier. Once I realized this for myself, life changed quite a bit.

LaTigresse -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 8:54:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ReginaMirus And then again, there are some people that would rather bypass the notion of actually having a relationship (because they already have a vanilla one), and just skip right to the goodies. Regardless of the type, intent, longevity, emotions, expectations, whatever involves another person/s is some type of relationship.

porcelaine -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 4:14:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida I think some people have a notion of what M/s is "supposed" to look like, and then try to live accordingly, instead of just being who they are and letting things flow from there. "A Master is supposed to act...." "As a slave, should I do....?" I see a lot of statements like that, in which people are trying to fit into the label, rather than just being themselves and letting whatever appropriate label (if any) define them - - and being OK with that. Greetings NuevaVida, I believe the suppositions are an Archilles' heel for many practitioners both old and new. Attempting to place ourselves within narrow confines rarely brings happiness if we've never considered the likelihood of growth and change. The relationships described will evolve. In many instances there are multiple dimensions that allow the pair to relate in a variety of ways - ones who's angles cannot be glimpsed or are rarely discussed in totality in this medium. Instead we encounter the more sensational aspects that appear more glamorous and paint an errant image that newcomers attempt to emulate. When we begin to accept that the 'reality' is truthfully a snapshot or snippet if you will, rather than the whole kit and kaboodle, perhaps the confidence and acceptance you've mentioned can be manifested and celebrated on both ends. I don't believe the problem resides solely with those new to the lifestyle, and for the most part the perpetuation of the myth is often promoted by the would be experienced ones instead. Namaste, ~porcelaine

jujubeeMB -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/7/2010 7:32:32 PM)
I love this thread. I learned everything I know about mixing common sense and D/s on these message boards, and I wouldn't have learned it over on the dating side of the site. I had a bunch of misconceptions about BDSM, specifically about what I had to do because I was a sub, and getting to know real people in real relationships who actually practiced BDSM outside of their imaginations allowed me to calm down and get out there and actually be a human being in a relationship instead of the submissive porn star I thought I had to be. I think what irks me the most is when anyone complains about people not responding to them, or people being fake, or people deciding not to meet up with them after a string of emails. You are not automatically issued a sex partner just because you join this site. A lot of people will never find someone on this site, and that's generally because they aren't putting any effort into how they present themselves because they're too busy living in fantasyland and barking orders at strangers who will in turn roll their eyes, block and delete. Fortunately, these boards are a great place to learn how to behave like a normal person with common sense. Most of the time [;)]

cloudboy -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/8/2010 5:56:15 AM)
I agree. What works between people is putting their ideas into action over a period of time. It helps to draw inspiration from your partner, and it helps to let the team dynamic evolve.

catize -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/8/2010 10:27:31 AM)
Lady Pact, I would love to say that I used common sense when I started out, but that wouldn't be true. I knew nothing about the BDSM world, and I wanted to be a 'good submissive'. Although I wouldn't buy a car without research, I jumped (or maybe was pushed) into all this without reading anything or discussing it with other folks who lived it. Ignorance is no excuse, nor was it bliss. How does one balance being true to one's self when the 'dominant' in question tells you that you have no choices? It wasn't porn that was my fantasy; rather it was my fantasy of what it meant to give over control of the relationship, my fantasy that, before I knew this person well, giving over that control would mean I was cared for and would be kept safe. Once I started talking to people on line on another site as well as reading books on the subject, it became clear to me that I was a dumb-shit! But I survived and I learned from my mistakes. I would tell new folks to read and talk to others who actually live it. I would tell them to decide what they want and don't compromise their principles. I would tell them to listen to the alarm bells in their heads if they are clanging. I would tell them that if they can't talk to their dominant or potential dominant then something is very wrong. I would tell them there is nothing wrong with taking time to get to know someone. I would tell them that if they aren't having a good time they are doing it wrong. And most importantly of all, if you've made every mistake there is, you can call a halt, re-group and try again the right way!

sexyred1 -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/8/2010 10:42:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint The shock comes from the fact that BDSMers have morals and values just like most adults. Sorta. To a vanilla, the idea of tying up another person and then paddling them while they squirm helplessly is a complete taboo. So vanillas can get confused by the idea that we break some of their taboos but very selectively, and not all of them. How true and how apt...I recently met a man from AFF. I hardly ever go to that site but someone wrote me and I thought he sounded interesting. I am very open about being submissive and seeking a Dominant man, although that site is not geared purely for that niche. This man was vanilla. He possessed many educational degrees, was handsome, generous and said he was selectively seeking a very intelligent woman for a relationship. So we went out twice, we had a good time, but something was amiss. He kept asking me a ton of questions about my interest in kink and I told him some generic things about the psychological aspect, did not go into details about the physical. I noticed that on our many phone calls these past 2 weeks whenever I would mention anything about real life, such as my boss was a jerk, or we talked about why I broke up with my ex (because he treated me badly), etc., this new guy would say something incredibly stupid and condescending such as, "why did you need to break up? Isn't being treated badly part of what you people like?" I was really annoyed and very politely tried to articulate that those of us who are not vanilla are no different in our basic human needs than vanilla people and that there is no one size fits all, ad nauseum. He just would not get it. He then started getting very adversarial with me making our third date, which was supposed to be tonight. After arguing nonstop since last night and not being able to make him understand a thing about me, I cancelled and will not see him again. I find that once a vanilla man knows you are kinky or submissive, even without any details, he immediately focuses only on that and gets very insecure about it. He made other comments like, "I don't know how I will stack up in sex with what you must be used to" and that also was inappropriate. For an educated man, he showed NO common sense in dealing with a woman like me. I was very open to getting to know him and him me, but he went off on a bender of self doubt, insecurity, and judgement that left me cold. And yes, he was also of the opinion that because he met me on an adult site, I would immediately sleep with him. Yeah, right.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In (10/8/2010 2:08:27 PM)
I have my lessons learned from my early Dom days. I started before the great internet sites became prevalent and didn’t have the benefit we all have today. I was pretty much a babe in the woods. Much of my early perceptions of D/s came from a couple of bad porn novels with a BDSM slant. A submissive I ran into was helpful, but she knew little more than what she wanted. One thing I did to a fault was use her desire for play to make her perform in classical slave ways. If she wanted to be tied up and spanked, she had to act like an obedient slave with me. My evolution came as I read more, became comfortable with my partners and got past stereotyping submissives. I learned to stop judging the submissive by her kink. It’s kind of like if I met a beautiful, smart woman I enjoyed an evening with that ended in a flogging, my thoughts would not only be of the flogging, but of all her other great qualities, too. Today, my goal is to have the submissive feel respect for me and herself. We have to be sympathetic to each other and appreciate the feelings we have after the intense physical play. In the end, we are going to laugh and marvel at the emotions we felt together.

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