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MaamJay -> RE: So, how to become a proper dom? (10/6/2010 2:05:52 AM)
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Hi Revenge and welcome to the forums.
I'd go with Whippy and crazyml, good advice there. The Loving Dominant is a great starter read, and there are lots of other good books around. LadyPact has a thread on those at the moment, check it out. There's also some good websites, I've found a lot of sound factual info on Albany power exchange, so check that one out too.
But reading can only take you so far. You say there's no local scene ... do you know that for sure? You'd be amazed at what lurks around! So search for anyone vaguely local to you here or on Fetlife, and arrange to meet. Now note, I said ANYONE ... that means sub or Dominant, male or female ... just try to get to meet someone for a drink and a chat. Friends are where it's at early on, and as well as the relief of talking to someone else in the flesh who has the same weird thoughts as you, they can put you in touch with others. Whilst I got so far along the Dom road from academic research, My physical skills in play as a Dominant grew manyfold when I braved contacting the local scene and started going to play parties and workshops. Ultimately I ended up hosting them!
In terms of 'a package of behaviour' to be a Dom ... then no, in most "everyday bdsm" scenes there isn't. In the Leather scene there is to a point, but someone from that scene would need to comment here. Similar with Gor. Some high protocol types have quite strict rules too. So I guess you could ask anyone you make contact with whether they belong to any of those groups. Otherwise you are likely to find people in relationships that don't look particularly overtly bdsm ... not too many folks have their subbies naked and in chains 24/7 or kneeling in the shopping centre! You do need to learn about Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) or as some prefer, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and that in itself will give you some info about how generally to behave in public as a responsible Dominant. Otherwise be polite and respectful! If you get invited to a play party eventually, they usually have their own rules, including not interrupting any one's scene, getting too close etc. Ask about the rules when you get invited.
It IS important to work out what kind of Dom YOU want to be, what floats your boat and what doesn't. You may thrive on micromanagement and really yearn to control every aspect of a sub's life like what she wears, when she can eat or drink, making her account for every minute of her day etc. However, be aware that takes a LOT of work on the Dom's part as well as the sub's! So the moral of the tale is - DON'T jump into demanding some form of behaviour without plenty of thought as to what it means for BOTH of you ... and the real trick is to find a sub who generally enjoys the same things as you. No point trying that with someone who hates to be managed for eg! Learn from what you read, and these forums are a great diversity of ideas and practices, but take what resonates with you and leave the rest. There really isn't ONE WAY ... other than your way that's right for you but may not be right for anyone else!
Good luck, oh, and don't be afraid to ask questions! Sometimes you'll cop a couple of replies grumbling about that, but most of us don't mind genuine questioning. However, we do eventually get pissed off if the questioner never seems to learn or just keeps asking the same question in multiple ways seeking for the answer they want to hear!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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