RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 6:07:46 AM)

quote:

OP.. I am in the camp of seek counseling,
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.


Not at all.  Get counseling, make sure that the body is okay, take extra vitamins to help with the extra demands that stress places on your body.  But also a session to relieve stress.  Not as a fix-all by itself, but to get a release right now, while continuing to work it other ways.



KatyLied -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 6:13:15 AM)

People do different things to process grief.  If it works for you, pursue, be it counseling or physical activity.  I have found that physical activity can do wonders to reset your physical well-being, which in turn can help your mental/emotional health.  I would not discount the benefits of things such as massage and strenuous physical activity and exercise.  Not everyone responds to and some people have no interest in going to therapy.



Termyn8or -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 6:43:28 AM)

Disenchantedlife you have mail from me. Highly suggested reading.

T



ThoughtfulSwitch -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 6:48:08 AM)

Just for those who think about using BDSM as kind of therapy:
If you think so, you did not even understand a bit of BDSM or maybe have never been in a comparable situation...
Can't you imagine how it will enforce your already harmed self-perception? If you have this (understandable) emotional trauma and some guy dominates or even humiliates you, it will really get worse!!!
In order to participiate in BDSM play - no matter if on top or bottom you need to be mentally stable and sane! Otherwise you will need a therapy just more.
Moreover a distraction will just "burry" the problems, but they will remain within your mind and will come back some day...

At DisenchantedLife:
I don't know you, but please accept my deep sympathy.
Your thread shows that - deep within yourself - you already know what will help you most. Talking to others about all this. Friends, and I don't mean internet friends, perhaps even talking to a counsellor does make sense. This is absolutely okay and nothing to be ashamed of!
The past months have imposed a huge burden on you - and a problem shared is a problem halved.

But these are more general words. Specifically I want to say this to you:
It should not have been you having cancer. I am sure that your mother has loved you and it would not have wanted to outlive her own daughter as this is the worst that can ever happen.
Even if it sounds a bit numb, but your mother will always have known that she will die before you, as it is the tide of life...
This is sad, but impossible to change. We will have to let go those who we love. But one day we can take life as it is, because we drain our hope from relying on our children, going on their lives and us going on living within their hearts. So that we will not be completely gone.

Your mother is not gone either, because you will never forget her. Her time has come and it has been just natural grieving for her, as it has been a huge loss to you. But now the time has come to look forward again. Not to forget, but to say goodbye and to live a life your mother would have been proud of...
Keep her in your heart, but don't torment yourself with having every "souvenir" and thought all around you. I'm sure your mother would not have wanted to posess you for the rest of your life. (yes, I couldn't avoid all clichees, but what I wrote came from heart)

I hope I did not affront you with anything I have maybe expressed wrong by translation. And I suggest finding anyone to talk to, especially people who know how to deal with that. Hope I could help you a tiny bit...

PS: I have thought about and finally choose to post it here as I don't know if I would make it through possible spam filters... hope this is okay.



KatyLied -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:01:35 AM)

quote:

In order to participiate (sic) in BDSM play - no matter if on top or bottom you need to be mentally stable and sane! Otherwise you will need a therapy just more.


If you believe this you better stop hanging out around here.  There are tons of people practicing bdsm who are self-dx or phsician-dx with what I would consider serious mental health issues.  Are you telling them they should not indulge in something that helps get them through the day/night?  I think many of them probably can't tell the difference between using bdsm as a way of life and using it for therapy.  I've seen plenty of s-types note in threads that when they are upset/depressed a good spanking sets them right.  I am not saying I condone it, just stating what I have observed here for years.



ThoughtfulSwitch -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:29:54 AM)

Sorry about that missunderstanding, I have a friend who herself has an autistic partner and they are fine as well. But I've also experienced play partners with depressions and borderline. And I've thought especially about them when I wrote this. Perhaps you'll get me wrong, but because of this I'm very, very careful about who I do a session with.

I didn't mean (mentally) sane that way, you may have understood, perhaps it is my fault by choosing the wrong word. I mostly meant the importance of being stable, because the person with borderline has not been stable, as we got to know later, and we are glad that the trouble with her did not get too worse.

I don't want to advise anybody to cross the road if they are with such a person, but I've had my events that make me say "take care, if you have mental health issues".
Don't get this as discrimination, get it as my personal experience.



DarkSteven -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:30:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtfulSwitch

Just for those who think about using BDSM as kind of therapy:
If you think so, you did not even understand a bit of BDSM or maybe have never been in a comparable situation...



Thanks for your opinion.  I disagree.







maybemaybenot -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:50:25 AM)

To the OP;

My deepest condolences on the loss of your  Mother.

Let me preface what I am about to say by saying it is being said in the softest, gentlest " voice " I have.

You cannot deal with the insanity until you deal with your own grief. You are not " you " right now. you  are a child grieving the loss of a parent. All the extraneous BS that's going on with family etc isn't being seen thru your " eyes ", but the " eyes " of  some one who is wrought with grief. It can be paralyzing, and we get stuck. Grief is a comletely normal response to death and it is something that we each experience and go thru at our own pace. But the important thing to remember is grief is a process, not state of being. When we get stuck in our grief, we need others to help us navigate our way thru it.

My Dad died about a year and a half ago in housefire. I spoke at his funeral, one of the things I said was:
" So as I make my way thru this black hole, I think  I am in, I'm not, but it really feels like I am being swallowed by it.........."
As the weeks went by I slipped deeper and deeper into that black hole and I was starting to believe that is where I would stay. But I remembered my own words and called a bereavement counsilor and started going to a grief support group. IT took a very long time, but I am me again. I still have periods of time when I am consumed by saddness, but I now have the tools to work it out. And that is what is to be gained by support groups or bereavement counseing. You won't get a magic bullet, you will get affirmation that you are doing OK, and guidance as to how to keep moving forward and deal with those moments or days that it all comes back to you. One thing my therapist told me, that I think you may relate to is: that if you keep shoving stuff in your emotional closet, one day when you go to stuff more things in, it is going to burst open and all your " stuff " is going to fall out on you.

I know you believe you are holding it together, but you have given up your friendships, you have invited an ex, whom you still argue with and has disrupted the normal balance of your life and kids life, you've allowed your brother to uproot you at your most fragile time. So, sweetie, you are not holding it together, nor are you in control. You are inviting and allowing others to make choices and decisions, that you would normally make for yourself. You are looking to these people for to help you fix the insanity, but they can't. Only you can. And right now you don't have the tools needed to get the job done.

You say you can't go to a counsilor and say you are losing your mind. There really is no need to say that, you're not losing your mind. You chose a bereavement counsilor. Just like if you had a leaky faucet you would chose a plummer, not a carpenter. AT a minimun you should really consider calling yuor local hospice and going to their grief support group. You need people who can relate to what you are feeling and experiencing. Hell, I think I balled my eyes out at the first 5 or 6 meetings I went to. So did others. I wasn't losing my mind, I was sad, depressed and feeling very alone.
All I can offer you is: it does get better, but you have to actively participate in the healing. Putting on the face that you are holding it together will only work for the short run. You already say you aren't holding it together. That's the first step. Recognizing it and taking positive actions to get to where you want to be.

I wish you peacefullness.

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep-Henry Maudsley

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers o'er-fraught heart and bids it break- W. Shakespeare
 
 
                                    mbmbn





angelikaJ -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:53:24 AM)

I have been through this:

In 2003 my dad died unexpectedly on Father's Day. I had gone to visit and boom he was gone.
11 days later, my mother also unexpectedly died.
(They had been divorced for 30+ yrs.)

How I got through it:
After my dad died, I had trouble sleeping and my doctor prescribed sleeping pills.
After my mom died I called them to let them know and she insisted on seeing me.

So, I had monthly appts with my doctor, who did eventually put me on an antidepressant.
She made sure I was sleeping and eating ok. When I got swollen glands she explained to me that my immune system was toast.

I had a therapist.

I saw someone he recommended for massage therapy. She was very affordable and I saw her every week.
That helped a lot. It gave me an oasis. It helped release the stress my body was holding onto and it does help move the junk that stress hormones leave behind.

A therapist will give you a safe place to fall apart and help you through the grieving process.
Sometimes when we have to hold it all together we cut that off.

I was a mess for quite a while.
It is ok to be a mess for quite awhile.

No one can tell you how the grieving process is supposed to go for you because there is no right way.

Anger is understandable.
Anger at cancer.
Anger at death.
Anger at things that don't have names or make sense.

Get help; drowning is exhausting.
Part of feeling so overwhelmed is that you are exhausted.

Feel free to write to me on the other side.









GreedyTop -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 7:54:50 AM)

mbmn.. excellently said *hugs*, I am sorry for your loss...



maybemaybenot -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 8:30:46 AM)

Thanx, Greedy  and a big ol hug right back.[:D]

I want to comment on something AngelikaJ said:
snip: A therapist will give you a safe place to fall apart and help you through the grieving process.

This is extremely valuable information. We feel/believe that we cannot fall apart or say exactly how we feel to our friends and family, because they are going thru the same thing on some level.  Or that we will appear nuts, or that no one will understand and 100 other reasons. So we try to be strong, we try to give advice... all the time we are being eaten alive inside at our own hands.    \

          mbmbn



GreedyTop -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 8:41:32 AM)

again. priceless.



sexyred1 -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 8:44:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

People do different things to process grief.  If it works for you, pursue, be it counseling or physical activity.  I have found that physical activity can do wonders to reset your physical well-being, which in turn can help your mental/emotional health.  I would not discount the benefits of things such as massage and strenuous physical activity and exercise.  Not everyone responds to and some people have no interest in going to therapy.


This is very true. I have had a very tough year on many levels and I have never found any grief counselor or therapists who have the ability to help. One of them actually told me I depressed HER since I had so many issues. Of course, I reported her.

OP, I am sorry for your losses, but people are just not that helpful, oftentimes even in ones own family. The only way any of us get through the tough things in life is often by ourselves, utilizing our own mental strength.

If you don't want to talk to people, don't. I find that most people do not want to hear it when you are going through bad times; it makes them feel uncomfortable and they act like it is "catching".

Some people like writing and some like coming to a message board and asking advice from strangers, safely, at a distance.

Do whatever it is you need to do to survive this and you can concentrate on living when you are out of survival mode.



tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 9:06:43 AM)

First let me say how sorry I am you have to go through all this.  As of this Wednesday, it will be 3 yrs since my mom passed due to bladder cancer.  It took the doctors 2 yrs to diagnose her and I'm still very angry at her GP for not sending her to a urologist until it was too late.  Yes, the cancer was well hidden, but with her symptoms she should have been seen sooner.

I already suffered from clinical depression, anxiety and a host of associated disorders.  The day of the funeral and for about a week after that my dad and sister thought they would have to hospitalize me.  I was totally out of control even on the meds I was already taking.

Take comfort in the fact that you were close to your mom and considered her a friend.  I wasn't that lucky, my mom and I loved each other but didn't like each other much.  This went back for years and I've never been able to forgive myself for not being the "daughter" she wanted.  That was my sister.  I was lucky enough to be the one there when she passed, but in a way it was worse.  I knew there was something wrong that morning and couldn't get the doctors attention.  I was finally sent outside by the nurse and my mom's sister who was with me to have the smoke I so desperately craved and just to get outside in the sun.  I had a 2nd cigarette and by the time I made it back to her floor, the nurse was standing at the end of the hall waiting for me.  I knew right away mom had passed.  I totally lost it and felt such guilt at not having been there.  But my aunt, in her wisdom, told me that my mom somehow knew I wasn't there and passed when I wasn't there so I wouldn't see her go.  This helped somehow but still left me with an awful lot of grief.  I'm also the one who made the decision to call my dad and let him know.  They'd been married for just over 50 yrs and he was devastated to say the least.

It took a lot of therapy for me to get back some semblance of life.  I did retreat into myself, and to this day, the one of the very few people I ever talk to is my dad, at least on the phone.  I've retreated from the world, have few friends and rely greatly on my dad, his now girlfriend and her family.  They've made me feel accepted and loved.  I live 4 hrs away so seeing them more than 3-4 times a year is quite difficult.

Please, please, get some professional help.  My psycho-therapist was a jewel of a man and helped me out a great deal.  I'm still medicated, always will be, but that's the nature of my illness.  I have to admit that typing all this has me in tears at the moment, something I still do to this day. 

Let the people who've hurt you with their supposed indifference know how this has affected you.  Let it out, I had to do that with my sister when she took things she didn't even want only to give them away.  I know they were just material things, but they meant so much to me.  I can't get those back, they were disposed of, or so I was told.

A year ago in April I lost my favorite uncle to a sudden heart attack and the 28th of this month will be the first year of my bro-in-law's passing to ALS.  My godfather is now in the hospital having suffered a MI and will have to undergo open heart surgery to repair 3 arteries and replace a valve.  It all brings back horrible memories that I try my best to cope with. 

I'm also lucky that I found the One for me who understands all this and lets me express my thoughts out loud to him.  I'm forever grateful that Tigger came into my life and accepts me for who I am, flaws and all.  He urges me to tell him whatever I'm feeling and I don't get put down or told to shut up.  These are so important to me. 

Find someone who can help you even begin to cope with all that you're feeling.  You have to look after yourself first because you have lil ones who depend on their mom being there for them.  I know how hard a road it is to hoe, but you have to get yourself out of this before you can be any use to anyone else.  Please take care and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.  You will get better, it just takes times, sometimes more time than we're willing to admit to.  That dark hole lightens and you see a light at the end of the tunnel.   Remember and honor your mom by healing your soul and your heart and making her proud that you were and ARE the strong and loving daughter she raised you to be.  

As much as my mom and I didn't always get along, I now think of her as my guardian angel and that she's always with me.  So are the other people I've lost in the last few years.  It brings some comfort and there are times I swear I can feel their presence with me when I need it.    

Chantal



PeanutTigerinBox -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 9:20:15 AM)

I did not read the OP yet and don't have the time right now (will do so later), however, I stumbled over your bit


quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggerspoohbear
But my aunt, in her wisdom, told me that my mom somehow knew I wasn't there and passed when I wasn't there so I wouldn't see her go. 


and can only confirm that we were told the same when my grandpa passed away. He was in liver coma due to his drinking problems and when he passed away within a short moment where nobody was there (I was out of the country) the doctor told her that it is often like that. Often relatives say "but I have only been to the toilet for a minute", but it seems to be very common that people prefer to pass away when nobody is near them...just thought to quickly drop that line that we received the same information.

When grandma passed away I went home, did see her in the hospital after I was picked up from the airport and then the following night she passed away before I flew back, my brother was too late to see her once more but for me it felt nice that she had waited for me. So I could see her once more after she had passed away before I had to go back onto the flight again to get to here.



PeanutTigerinBox -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 9:25:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

OP.. I am in the camp of seek counseling,
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.

take extra vitamins to help with the extra demands that stress places on your body
Not at all.  Get counseling, make sure that the body is okay,.  But also a session to relieve stress.  Not as a fix-all by itself, but to get a release right now, while continuing to work it other ways.



Can only second that. During my final year uni I was running from one cold into another and struggled on many levels (financial pressure, uni pressure, placement pressure and some problems in my private life). On one occassion I went to do an assessment where I would have loved to cancel it as I had my next fight with a cold, but I knew they were desperate for help, so I pulled myself together. The couple I met adviced me of additional vitamins and did show me what they use and I started using them and the cold did not come back....it is certainly helpful as additional support for the body.



DarkSteven -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 9:28:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

One of them actually told me I depressed HER since I had so many issues. Of course, I reported her.



Red, I actually laughed at that.  Sorry, but the alternative was crying.



KatyLied -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 10:10:52 AM)

Seriously I went to therapy and was told that beyond being clinically depressed, I was normal???  Although talk therapy had some limited benefits, I understood that my therapist's main goal was to get me to a p-doc and on a an anti-depressant for short-term and she succeeded in this, but not before some months had passed.  And of course, at the onset of counseling I did not realize her master plan.  She was good.



barelynangel -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 10:42:02 AM)

I cannot imagine what you are going through but you have mentioned many times how you want to scream -- you should.  Send the kids and their father out of the house for an afternoon and have yourself a good scream and angry session, pound the matress, scream into the pillows, etc.   It really IS OKAY.  You need some you time to express your anger and grief and sadness.  Its OKAY to take care of you and yes sometimes in situations like this you HAVE to be selfish.  The kids will survive if you take time to yourself when you need it, etc.  You can't help them if you refuse to help yourself, and that is what you are on some level doing.  There is a difference between holding it together for the sake of the kids, and harming yourself irrepairably by disregarding your own needs.  If you have to cry then cry, if the kids see it just hug them tight and explain you are really missing your mom and they may feel better because they can also express to you their feelings.  And yu all can grieve together.

Also get some exercise, seriously take up some aggressive training like  boxing class or a physical class that may help you get out some of this grief and anger you are feeling that won't leave you feeling guilty.  I know this may be the last thing you feel like doing but a couple times a week, take the kids to the park if they are take young and run around WITH THEM, laugh with them, have fun with them.  If they are older find some other ways to get all of you cracking up and laughing together.  You are still a family even though your mom and dog are gone.  As others are saying, get some individual counseling but also get some family counseling.   You don't have to hide from your family, the kids need to know its okay to be sad, to be upset etc.  They have to learn that grief and being angry when someone close dies is okay but they will also get to see you move through the stages.  Many times people try and hide too much from kids but they fail to realize that the kids know something even if they can't put their finger on it -- kids are perceptive.

Be honest with the people around you, the guy and the kids, let them know becaue i can guarantee you they know something.  If you are honest with them, they can also help you through same.

All in all what you may not realize is the 1st year is the hardest to get through, but it will eventually get better, but you have to allow yourself to let it get better.   Its hard to let go, but maybe take the kids and go visit your mom, go visit your mom on your own -- i know people say this a lot but people you've loved are never truly gone.  They are there where it counts the most.   Go talk to her, go tell her about how hard it is for you.  Go back and visit the friends in the neighborhood.  Tell them, if they ask that it has been hard.  If someone isn't helping tell them -- they won't know unless you do. 

Finally, this may not be something you want t o hear but you may really want to consider getting rid of some of your mom's stuff.  I know that is soo hard to hear.  I know you will do it when you are ready, but passing along some of her stuff to others isn't your forgetting her, its you sharing her with others.  Promise yourself that you will give away 1 or 2 things every month, if you can't bear to do that then put things in storage and revisit in a year.  You will find its not the things of your mom you want, but the memories, and you already have those.

Hang in there, you are doing well -- don't put yourself down.  Take it a step at a time but in the end, remember YOU HAVE to take care of your own grief and needs before you can move forward -- without your mom physically yes, but alwys in your heart and memories.

angel



kiwisub12 -> RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity (9/6/2010 10:45:23 AM)

My Sir died a few months ago, and it was an expected death. Fortunately for me we had talked about death quite often, before his diagnosis, and after.

I have my guilt feelings - things that i should have done and shouldn't have done,  but in the end, i did my best. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best i could do at the time.

To help me, i went back to a therapist i had seen several years ago, and it helps - not dramatically, but in increments. And being busy helps. I am sorting out my house, having moved back in after being at his house for five years, so when i come across things that are signifigant to us, i stop and remember and smile. And sometimes cry.

Nothing helps immediately, but i can tell you that there is life after a loved ones death. And that life can be just wonderful too.   Please hang in there, don't think you have to be superwoman and allow yourself to go a little crazy and cry and punch pillows. Just let everyone in the house know what you are doing, so they don't get scared.  And for getting out anger - get a set of Hulk hands and punch walls. They will stop you from hurting your hands and feel VERY satisfying when hitting solid objects!



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