RE: how we process emotions? (Full Version)

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Twoshoes -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 6:48:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

i'm not saying i can do it. all i'm doing is seeking advice from others who might have encountered this sort of prolem. and isn't it good for her that she overcomes her issues? 


The second you become someone's therapist, you cannot have any type of relationship with them. It is that manipulative. And when people get manipulated in relationships, some of them might take 6 months to figure out what happened, but eventually and invariably, they resent you.

So my advice. Please don't try to "fix" it unless you plan on her needing an additional 5 years of therapy (3 to figure out why she let someone mess with her head, 2 more to bury the dug-up memories again)...


Edit:I shouldn't have wrote the first part.
Edit#2: I support jujubeeMB's advice below.



jujubeeMB -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 6:53:27 AM)

OP, no one is being mean to you. You asked if you should help her overcome her issues and our advice was therapy (which she's getting), not slapping her (which you're not doing) and either never slapping her or finding a different sub if slapping is so important to you. Not everything can be gotten over, and not everything should be gotten over so it can be used in sex. If you're really concerned about her emotional health, you know what to do.



angelikaJ -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 8:19:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

hi all,

having a new slave girli've encountered a problem i've never had before. now i have a lot of experience in this lifestyle with all sorts of subs, slaves, etc. but right now the thing with this slave is she's stuck and her emotional barriers keep her from being free - letting go completely. a slap even a very gentle one will make her almost catatonic. we've talked long and hard about this and in short when she was little her mother used to slap her and her father slapped around her mother. anyways a slap makes her lost somehow. i've only done it once before i knew this would happen and since tried everything to release her emotions. i'd like her to get all this crap out because its not healthy to carry it around.

what can i try to help her get over this? we function very well together but i feel she needs to overcome this.



She witnessed the abuse of her mother by her dad and her mother used to slap her.

This is not just "an issue".
This sounds a lot like a PTSD reaction which means it has been wired in.

(I am not a mental health professional, but I have personal experience with such things.)

What you did what activate a "trigger".

The likelyhood that you will be able to desensitize her reactions is about on par with the world coming to an end on 12/12/2012.

If you had a buddy who had been traumatized in a war and suffered from flashbacks, would you want to create situations that would knowingly trigger flashbacks, or would you offer support and understanding.

There was a war within her home and she was not only collateral damage, she was an actual casualty.

What you can do is understand that this is a place you simply can not go with her...ever.
What you can do is offer compassionate support.

You want to fix it.
You can't.
It isn't just psychological.
It is a physiological response that she has no control over.
AND
It is not her fault.

edit: clarity





interlocutor -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 8:45:11 AM)

You want her to get over the issue, the only way is therapy. You say she has been in therapy for 5 years. I don't know how many issues she has so I don't even know if this particular issue has even been addresses in 5 years. If you don't think her therapist is effective then find out what she thinks. If she agrees, then help her find a new one. Maybe I'm over reacting but it seems to me as if all those suggesting therapy think that anyone with a cert on the wall is going to know what they are doing. If you want to help her, then make sure the professional help she is getting is worth a damn and not messing her up even more.



sexyred1 -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 8:46:40 AM)

Has it occurred to anyone that his sub just does not like getting slapped in the face?

It is not for everyone, you know.

She may not ever mention it in her therapy sessions, who would really know?



Zevar -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 8:54:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

hi all,

having a new slave girli've encountered a problem i've never had before. now i have a lot of experience in this lifestyle with all sorts of subs, slaves, etc. but right now the thing with this slave is she's stuck and her emotional barriers keep her from being free - letting go completely. a slap even a very gentle one will make her almost catatonic. we've talked long and hard about this and in short when she was little her mother used to slap her and her father slapped around her mother. anyways a slap makes her lost somehow. i've only done it once before i knew this would happen and since tried everything to release her emotions. i'd like her to get all this crap out because its not healthy to carry it around.

what can i try to help her get over this? we function very well together but i feel she needs to overcome this.


Personal boundaries in a relationship are essential. Choosing to disrespect personal boundaries in a relationship is not ever an option & especially not something to do toward someone who has given their trust freely. Breaking trust is irreparable regardless of any self defined pleasures you might have.

Question: What is of more value?

Your desire to slap her during sex OR your willingness to nurture her heart while respecting her personal boundary to not be slapped due to trauma wounds?

Rule # 1] If it’s broken don’t try to fix it.

Rule # 2] If it’s fixed don’t try to break it so you can fix it.

Take care!



Missokyst -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:10:24 AM)

Some people don't like being slapped. I hate it. It snaps me out of any pleasurable headspace I may have been in and there is no freakin way I will get back there because I am either in shock or I will want to kill you.
But if she has a reaction such as going into a near catotonic state I would say teaching her SOFT touches to her face would be more productive than reinforcing the negative reactions. In general OP... I would say this is not so much her issue as yours. You are so concerned about fixing her so that she is a programmed response to YOUR kink that you seem to have forgotten she is human. Perhaps fixing your own need to slap her face might be in order as you help to trust you not to harm her.



CeriseNin -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:11:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

well there is a good reason. unresolved issues. and another reason is that i really like doing that when having sex. i could drop it but not until assessing it first. its like this if it can be overcome i'll patiently work on it as long as it takes. on the other hand if it would cause her to much stress or harm i'll drop it. maybe slap her boobs instead. that's why i ask about it here to gather info and see where to go from here.

but thanks for advice


The unresolved issues are hers to deal with in private with her therapist. In short, stay out of it unless she asks you for help. Maybe the girl just doesn't like her face slapped, and will never like it, even if her issues are resolved. Just drop it.



Twoshoes -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:12:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar


Rule # 1] If it’s broken don’t try to fix it.

Rule # 2] If it’s fixed don’t try to break it so you can fix it.


I'll add:

Rule # 3] If it’s being fixed, don't add your own "fixing".



lally2 -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:27:19 AM)

so, when you were negotiating like and dislikes this never came up? - anyway - i have the same issue - youre slave goes catatonic, i go bolistic.  for me it feels like assault, unloving, uncaring violence.  what does youre slave feel about it, theres a chance she feels the same - its a person she trusts and relies on assualting her - if you slap her she will withdraw from you - that is the catatonic going on, she's pulling back emotionally from you because that triggers the little girl who needs to trust and rely on you, being given a reason not to.  if you persist youll likely lose her trust completely.

so, thats my cod psychology over -

if i met a man for whom this was very important i would need him to be gentle, light strokes, gentle, gentle, loving and careful, pats, soft pats, if she pulls back stop and cuddle her, if she really cant do this then she cant and she shouldnt be forced.  you say it should be fun for her because others have loved it.  not so.  not at all so.  for her the 'fun' is not having you do that to her.

maybe over time those soft pats can get a little firmer and a little firmer, but you need to read her reactions the whole time - any pull back and you go back a step again.



switch2please -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:35:03 AM)

I like broken things. I don't want to put them back together, I just like to see what makes someone tick without being held responsible for the mess it would make to take them apart myself. I tend to get along well with these people. I also resemble this remark.

Personally, I am in the process of fixing myself. I have bad memories and emotions attached to being tickled. It's not a headspace I enjoy, so I hate being tickled. I physically freeze and start to cry. Someone touching my armpits used to evoke the same response, but that got better gradually as I became more sexually active - I still don't like my armpits being touched directly, but I can accept an accidental caress on the way to my breast without losing my mood. This just happened, with no intent on the part of my lovers and no plan on my part.

Some people very much enjoy tickling. To each their own, but I wouldn't be able to date someone who enjoyed this. We'd be physically incompatible. Definite deal breaker.
If someone tried tickling me as 'therapy', I'd drop their ass so fast their head would spin.



jujubeeMB -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 9:35:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Has it occurred to anyone that his sub just does not like getting slapped in the face?


Yep. I am getting awfully tired of the "but she's a sub so she ought to be able to do everything I want, period" threads. We are complicated human beings with likes/dislikes, needs and psychological triggers, people. We're not automatons who mindlessly obey (and enjoy) whatever Doms can dream of.



ResidentSadist -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 10:26:36 AM)

Since you seem hell bent on fucking with her head yourself . . . find our what cologne her dad wore and douse yourself in it.
Then smack her up while yelling "who's your daddy?" and fuck her violently in the ass while you choke her from behind.
When blood and cum are leaking out of her ass, tell her to go clean up because she is filthy like a whore. 
Then lock her in a dark closet to think about how bad she is and what she made daddy do that to her.
When you take her out for meals, throw her food down on the kitchen floor and make her eat off the tiles while you stick various utensils up her cunt and jerk off splattering cum on her face and in her food. 

That ought straighten her out and give her a whole new perspective . . . it's called desensitizing.  Either that or she'll have a total breakdown and turn into a blithering idiot that you have to commit . . .  where she will finally get the professional help she needed in the first place. 

Therapy bro.. .get her therapy. 



sinandhoney -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 10:45:00 AM)

As someone who has been abused and has triggers of her own, I say to leave it be. I've processed all I can about the abuse, but I wont touch those triggers for the world for the potential landmines they are or can be. Chalk it up to something not to be done and move on. Not everything that has been broken can be fixed.



sexyred1 -> RE: how we process emotions? (8/30/2010 10:49:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Since you seem hell bent on fucking with her head yourself . . . find our what cologne her dad wore and douse yourself in it.
Then smack her up while yelling "who's your daddy?" and fuck her violently in the ass while you choke her from behind.
When blood and cum are leaking out of her ass, tell her to go clean up because she is filthy like a whore. 
Then lock her in a dark closet to think about how bad she is and what she made daddy do that to her.
When you take her out for meals, throw her food down on the kitchen floor and make her eat off the tiles while you stick various utensils up her cunt and jerk off splattering cum on her face and in her food. 

That ought straighten her out and give her a whole new perspective . . . it's called desensitizing.  Either that or she'll have a total breakdown and turn into a blithering idiot that you have to commit . . .  where she will finally get the professional help she needed in the first place. 

Therapy bro.. .get her therapy. 


Wow, RS, that sounds like a therapy session I could lie on the couch for. All except for the food on the floor thing, ewwww.



RealSub58 -> RE: how we process emotions? (9/2/2010 4:01:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

i'm not saying i can do it. all i'm doing is seeking advice from others who might have encountered this sort of prolem.and isn't it good for her that she overcomes her issues?


I had a break through type of session with my therapist yesterday.  It took A LOT of emotional energy and a lot of physical energy out of me.
I have been in therapy for half of my adult life off and on.

I once was told to chop through all the issues and get to the very base/heart/core of where the issues come from would be like a bomb exploding.
It is better to peel the layers slowly and cry as if peeling an onion.

I could NOT have processed safely what I did with my therapist yesterday if it were not with her.  I probably would never have processed it cause it was painful and I had to ask to shut the "tap off."  Prior to doing so, she asked me what my feelings were.

Some people do NOT want to process feelings, they compartmentalize them where they are safe and not felt......
ocassionally I NEED to deal with something like I did yesterday.

Like someone said, you are not trained to actively keep her safe while going through the emotional energy it takes to feel emotions.

Just having been there, done that and MHO



DarkSteven -> RE: how we process emotions? (9/2/2010 4:30:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

When you take her out for meals, throw her food down on the kitchen floor and make her eat off the tiles while you stick various utensils up her cunt and jerk off splattering cum on her face and in her food. 



I have a feeling that McDonalds may never have them back.  When they refer to a "play area", I'm sure this wasn't what they intended.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: how we process emotions? (9/2/2010 4:36:57 PM)

FR:

OP, you say you're just asking a question, but is a kink forum *really* the appropriate venue for that question? This is a partner's mental health you're asking for advice on, not what kind of arm movements you should be using with a flogger or whatever...



lusciouslips19 -> RE: how we process emotions? (9/2/2010 4:42:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Since you seem hell bent on fucking with her head yourself . . . find our what cologne her dad wore and douse yourself in it.
Then smack her up while yelling "who's your daddy?" and fuck her violently in the ass while you choke her from behind.
When blood and cum are leaking out of her ass, tell her to go clean up because she is filthy like a whore. 
Then lock her in a dark closet to think about how bad she is and what she made daddy do that to her.
When you take her out for meals, throw her food down on the kitchen floor and make her eat off the tiles while you stick various utensils up her cunt and jerk off splattering cum on her face and in her food. 

That ought straighten her out and give her a whole new perspective . . . it's called desensitizing.  Either that or she'll have a total breakdown and turn into a blithering idiot that you have to commit . . .  where she will finally get the professional help she needed in the first place. 

Therapy bro.. .get her therapy. 


Daddy Warbuckle you bring back such memories......sigh



kyraofMists -> RE: how we process emotions? (9/2/2010 4:53:31 PM)

I might regret posting this, but here goes anyway...

I have a couple of triggers that he has been slowly working through. Before explaining this I will give some background about our relationship. One is that we have built an extremely solid foundation and one of the core things that I hold onto is that he will not do anything to me that he knows will emotionally harm me. When bad shit happens, that is the rock that keeps me going. I know who he is at his core; I know his integrity and honour and I know that what is most important to him is our relationship between the three of us.

Another aspect of our relationship is that he will do what he wants whether I like it or not. The only thing that will keep him from doing what he wants is if he thinks that it will harm me or our relationship or if it gets him a reaction that he does not want. He has complete authority over my life and as a sadist he really enjoys fucking with things that I don't like or that make me cry.

Between us there is a significant level of trust and we are very transparent with each other in who we are, what we think and how we feel. There is a strong foundation in our relationship that allows him to push the edges in play and sex.

One of my triggers is spanking with a paddle. With the first smack I am sobbing; it takes me to the head space of being a bad girl because I have done something wrong and that is very emotional for me. He can spank me with a knife/short sword, his hand, a bbq brush and numerous other things, but there is just something about the feel of a paddle that puts me in the wrong emotional space. When he decides to use a paddle on me he will continually tell me what a good girl I am and how proud he is of me.

The other thing that helps is that I have my shit together, for lack of a better phrase. I understand my mental processes and emotions really well and my analytical brain helps me process things that result in positive outcomes rather than just falling to pieces. I have been through therapy and have had them tell me "You don't need me anymore", so he is pretty confidant that with the foundation that we have built and the strength of my core than he can push these limits and I will not be harmed.

If you want to push the edge, then start by building a strong core foundation of your relationship first.

Knight's Kyra



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