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I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:08:28 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

having a bit of trouble with my mother lately, as she has been quite the annoying house guest. i originally gave her a key when i bought my house for emergencies and whatnot. i hadn't paid much notice, but sooner or later, she just started being here ALL THE TIME. when i first brought it up, she just said she wants to catch up on all the mother-daughter time we had missed out on since i was forced to leave home at 15. she had every right to put me out- i was a little monster back then, but even when i was cleaned up and had been for a while, she refused to let me come home. i had changed the locks on my door in regards to her, and she made the BIGGEST ordeal about it. now from that point, it has exploded to me feeling like a child living with their parent. and everytime i bring it up, she yells, "i am the parent, you are the child- you do what I say", as if I owe her something. Can somebody help me go about this in a better way?

< Message edited by MissAsylum -- 8/12/2010 5:11:50 AM >

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Post #: 1

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:31:26 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

so basically she wants back what she didnt want back then, i mean, when you were clean. the time for her to be youre mum was then i think. a woman in her twenties doesnt need or want that sort of relationship with their parents anymore. maybe theres some unresolved stuff that if you guys talked it all through, she can move on, feel less 'guilt'(?) as a parent, feel youve 'forgiven'(?) her and she can get back to her own life a bit more.

my mum was an emotional vampire to me for years and she could twist me around and around with that. one day i just thought 'no more thank you' and i just stopped letting her see that she was getting to me. if she came up with some of her manipulatory stuff i just inwardly shrugged, ignored it, when i used to fly off the handle and eventually she realised it wasnt working and she dropped it. if you react they know they still have some power over you. it doesnt have to be mean or cruel, just detach youreself from it and she will become powerless in that way.

anyway, i feel for you i really do. good luck

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 2

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:37:45 AM

servantforuse

Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

You are no longer a child. Have a talk with her. If that doesn't work, get the locks changed. Then she can call before coming over like everyone else..

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 3

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:38:56 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i've tried to talk to her more times than i can count. she is like a brick wall- and will typically give me "black woman sass" about it...like "how fucking dare you question me, i should knock your teeth down your throat." I just want to avoid the argument since they can go on forever.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 4

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:41:35 AM

servantforuse

Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

Change the locks. Talk to her when SHE starts to act like an adult

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 5

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:45:57 AM

solestria

Posts: 29
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline

I agree with the previous posters. Change the locks, tell her she's being irrational, and that you'll talk to her when she's calmed down. If she shows up at your house and won't leave, call the cops to have her removed if you need to. You're a grown woman and a homeowner, and she's behaving like a petulant child.

If this is completely out of character for her, there might be something else going on health-wise that should be checked out. But regardless, you don't owe her anything, especially when you've been on your own for so long. Be calm but firm in dealing with her, but definitely don't take this from her. Good luck.

(in reply to servantforuse)

Post #: 6

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:53:51 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i've tried to talk to her more times than i can count. she is like a brick wall- and will typically give me "black woman sass" about it...like "how fucking dare you question me, i should knock your teeth down your throat." I just want to avoid the argument since they can go on forever.

then if she wont talk and she wont listen you have to get a bit tough. tough love - the sort she pulled on you when you were 15. its youre home and youre life and youve made it youres from a tough start up. so! -

you dont get loud and you dont shout. you calmly open the door and ask her to leave. stick i out, i mean it. stand there. tell her you love her but youre not putting up with this anymore.

so she'll leave with all that 'black woman sass' pouring out of her mouth and youll sit down feeling crap and you might even have a good cry. but youve made a start.

when she's ready and prepared to talk to you like an adult and prepared to respect youre space you can let her back in - bit by bit, maybe suggest a mum/daughter day. i have one of those with mine - we lunch, we chat, we shop - it keeps her happy.

but look at it this way, you have a looooooong time ahead of you. you dont want youre mum ruling youre life now or in the future. you must make a stand, be prepared for tears and stuff. but dont feel bad. its her problem she's not dealing with, not youres, youre cool, youve got a life, a home and a great b/f.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 7

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 5:56:19 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

second time i have to change the locks...for the best i suppose. i just find it sad that a woman 25 years older than me can act so much younger than me.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to solestria)

Post #: 8

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 6:09:51 AM

SultryItalian

Posts: 125
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: servantforuse

Change the locks. Talk to her when SHE starts to act like an adult

This. Like solestria mentioned calling the cops--I've had to do that with my own mom, and it was one of the best things I could have done. 3 years later, my mom and I finally have a real relationship.

(in reply to servantforuse)

Post #: 9

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 6:43:24 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

Maybe try meeting her on neutral territory? Like go for a coffee or something. Make sure it's arranged in advance, so you both have some control over when and where. Then you don't have to throw her out; if it gets a bit much you can just leave the cafe.

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Post #: 10

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 6:52:16 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

sounds like a good idea VC. by the by- i haz followed you on twitter.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 11

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 6:53:04 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Maybe if you moved she could pay for the place.

then she could hang there. sounds sticky.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 12

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 7:17:18 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

sounds like a good idea VC. by the by- i haz followed you on twitter.

VC tweets? how interesting that must be!

" I measured my self again today I am still ony half in under normal!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 13

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 7:22:59 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You live on your own, pay your own bills. Stop taking it.

Seriously, when she starts being disrespectful to you state (in the exact same words every time) "When you treat me respecfully, I will spend time with you. Goodbye" Then walk out of her house, or the restaurant or hang up the phone. Don't let her come over until she can treat you the way you want to be treated. In the meantime call once a week, ask how she's feeling, refuse to discuss anything of value with her, and tell her you have to go after ten minutes. If she starts bitching at you, tell her again that you won't take it and hang up. She will respect your boundaries once you refuse to let her break them.

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(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 14

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 7:25:14 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Miss- whoever pays the roof makes the rules. That is fairly established.

Most operate under that premise. Maybe she just doesnt know how to express her love.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 8:00:42 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

having a bit of trouble with my mother lately, as she has been quite the annoying house guest. i originally gave her a key when i bought my house for emergencies and whatnot. i hadn't paid much notice, but sooner or later, she just started being here ALL THE TIME. when i first brought it up, she just said she wants to catch up on all the mother-daughter time we had missed out on since i was forced to leave home at 15. she had every right to put me out- i was a little monster back then, but even when i was cleaned up and had been for a while, she refused to let me come home. i had changed the locks on my door in regards to her, and she made the BIGGEST ordeal about it. now from that point, it has exploded to me feeling like a child living with their parent. and everytime i bring it up, she yells, "i am the parent, you are the child- you do what I say", as if I owe her something. Can somebody help me go about this in a better way?

I doubt talking to her will work. She's ingrained with her idea of what your relationship is going to be. I took on a method of behavior modification with my mother that involved cutting off contact with her for awhile every time she started ranting on me about what I should be. I repeatedly told her that I was going to be what was best for me and I was an adult and she was going to have to deal with it but I loved her. Parents have limitations too. I learned to accept that she's never going to be what I would like for a mother, but the distance really calmed her down and put our interactions on my terms (mostly).

As it's your house, it might be a bit more difficult to do this. But actions that SHOW her that her berating isn't acceptable are more likely to work than words and they may also fail in the end as well, but at least you're away from her when she's behaving in a manner that's not appropriate.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 16

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 8:08:38 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

All of her shit piled up in the front yard one day might get her attention.

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(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 17

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 8:21:17 AM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

Wow completely heavy and sad post. I feel bad for your moms, you are here talking shit about her. She is your mom.

I dont know what the story really is. I dont think what your mom said is black woman sass. Lots of moms from assorted ethnic backgrounds raise their voices to their daughters and pull the "I am your Mom..etc" card. Maybe I am wrong but didnt you also say in another post that in fact you are not black, you are Latin?

I am also not so sure you are acting so mature about it all and that a woman your moms age is acting so much younger than you.

I see you have gotten quite a bit of support here from folks telling you to go so far as to call the cops. Something about this post makes me feel sick in my guts. No one deserves abuse, I get that, but the tone of your post feels somewhat abusive to your moms to me.

I hope you find a solution that works out for you and your mom.

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I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
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(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 18

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 8:32:28 AM

purepleasure

Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

A nice Hallmark card with a lovely handwritten note:

"Dear Mom,

Thanks for being there when I needed you, and for not being there when needed, as well. You have taught me to be independent and self-sufficient, as well as to have self-respect, and to demand respect for myself from others. For that, I am grateful to you, and would not be the woman that I am today.

Because of this, I need you to realize that I AM a strong woman, with strong opinions, and I will have respect from you as well. By the time you finish reading this, the locks on my home will have been changed, and I will enjoy visits when it's convenient for both of us. I love you, and want us to be friends as well as two, strong women who are also mother and daughter. I know right now you are probably hurt and angry with me, but I can handle that. I still love you, and hope that you will realize that as your adult daughter, I have the patience and perseverance to maintain a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with you. Please call me, I'll make the coffee, you bring the donuts, and we will have a great visit!

Love,
MissA"

Hope this suggestion helps!

_____________________________

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Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 19

RE: I love you mom, but you have to GO. - 8/12/2010 8:39:58 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

-- I would not call the cops. But then that is me.

You could start asking her to pay the bills. After all- she wants to "help".

(in reply to purepleasure)

Post #: 20

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