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Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/7/2010 7:29:28 PM

Nehemiah

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I know many Dommes and some submissives. From the beginning I always felt that there was something different about what I liked and the way I played and the way many of the Dommes and subs performed. I could never really put it into words.

To an outside observer, what I do is similar to what Dommes and subs do. But it just feels like a different energy. I have played with some serious Dommes and many of them say that I "piss them off." I also know some kinky people who have told me they couldn't stand being with certain submissives because they were either boring or too needy.

I need help understanding this. I want to communicate what I am, but sometimes I lack the words to describe it. If anyone can help me on this, it would be appreciated.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/7/2010 7:52:58 PM

LadyPact

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There's no way to answer this unless you would like to give more detail.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/7/2010 8:04:42 PM

juliaoceania

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I am genuinely attempting to understand what you are asking...

If you want to know what it is about your submission that has upset those who are topping you, I would suggest you ask them. would also suggest you get feedback in the real world about who you are in relationship to your BDSM identity. Finally I would suggest that in the end you are the one that determines your own truth of who you are

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/7/2010 8:32:24 PM

DesFIP

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You are compatible with some people and not with others. Just because you're kinky doesn't mean you are compatible with every other kinky person out there. What's to understand? This is how people are.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/8/2010 12:23:53 AM

Nehemiah

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I've been involved in this for some time and I've only recently learned the term "fetishist." At the moment, that term seems to help in describing myself and prevents some miscommunication. Fetishist sort of lets people know I'm not a slave and don't want to be one. And that I'm not a submissive, even though I may take the bottom role. And depending on who I'm playing with, I may take the top or bottom or switch back and forth depending on how the feeling goes.

I know some people take their role and power exchange seriously. Some have a limited range in what they'll do. I'll try out almost anything if someone asks.

I'd like to be able to succinctly identify myself when I meet someone so they have an idea as to how I play. I don't want to sit down for 30 minutes to explain myself only to have someone decide I'm not what they were looking for or that they thought I was something I'm not.

Many times I've had people say, "Aren't you so-and-so's slave?" Then I have to explain the relationship, but they may not stop the spread of the information that is out there.

I hope this clarifies my question. It's about how to identify myself. If I only met and played with just one person a year, it would be easier because I take the time. But sometimes I'll meet someone who is a friend of someone I've played with and they'll misunderstand how I fit in the lifestyle.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/8/2010 1:50:16 AM

lally2

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how about calling youreself a poly switch.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/8/2010 8:27:25 AM

SaharahEve

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

I know many Dommes and some submissives. From the beginning I always felt that there was something different about what I liked and the way I played and the way many of the Dommes and subs performed. I could never really put it into words.

To an outside observer, what I do is similar to what Dommes and subs do. But it just feels like a different energy. I have played with some serious Dommes and many of them say that I "piss them off."

Stab in the dark: you seem to like bottoming. If so, yes, you'd tend to annoy those who take dominance and submission to a more serious level if you get your chocolate in their peanut butter. You're certainly not alone; there are many men who crave to have their perversities and fetishes sated by a revolving door of choice Femme Fatales. For such types, I recommend a very open polyamorous group or interacting with pros who will indulge your thing(s).

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/8/2010 10:16:05 AM

Andalusite

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I'm a switch, and I've done some casual play in the past, on both sides. I'm fine with someone just bottoming, rather than submitting, if that's how the interaction works out. I've had a couple of fetishist types who just feel very draining, who get a little bit pushy sexually, or just made me feel I was being used. That only happened a couple of times, back when I was first starting public play, and I got better at screening them out. It wasn't their actions, definitely the energy/mood/vibe/whatever you want to call it. I don't know if that's the same problem you're having. If you can ask one of them for more details, in a non-confrontational way, that might be good.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/9/2010 2:08:37 AM

Nehemiah

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I am poly and I am a switch. And a fetishist with some uncommon and at times, elaborate fetishes. Some day I'll go into detail about my wedding fetish. I love to sample what is out there. Luckily I have enough friends to play with that my samples are wide. It's only when I meet someone cold that I have this trouble explaining myself.

What people have been saying so far is helping me. Looks like I'll need to work on my screening skills and I guess that will take time. It's those uncomfortable bumps in the learning process that I would love to avoid. I guess I'll just have to deal with that for now.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/9/2010 2:29:03 AM

ranja

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it seems normal to me that you might have some troubles playing with someone new... unless you are totally tuned into eachother which rarely happens just like that... maybe you and the new playmates are slightly too selfish for it all to be amazing and the 'i am getting pissed off' factor sets in.

Sex is an initmate activity and slight differences in attitude can make it great or soso or crap, the better you know your partner the more likely it is you hit higher highs.
If you play with new people all the time and neither is totally comfortable expressing their needs or responding 'just right' to signs, then you will hit some troublesome moments and get pissed off.

i think it is part of being a poly swich with fethishes... part of life

i have to say, when i was fucking about i encountered quite a few people that pissed me off too, i wished i hadn't done it with some... i put it down to selfisness (my own and theirs)

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/9/2010 3:47:45 AM

Nehemiah

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What amazes me is that a few of the women who I originally had pissed off got to know me better and now that we have an understanding we can play and enjoy ourselves. I didn't change in the way I play, I think there was just a change in understanding our roles.

Communicating who we are seems to be important, which is why I'm trying to learn how to describe myself.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/12/2010 10:14:55 AM

SaharahEve

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah
Communicating who we are seems to be important, which is why I'm trying to learn how to describe myself.

Yes. It's one of the most important things.

Though it will result in less fish on your hook, accurately describing who you are and what you're looking for—and what you're not—is half the key to success. Then there is the matter of intellectual compatibility, but chances are you're already in the ball park if someone is drawn to your honest self appraisal, and you to theirs.

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RE: Top/Bottom vs. D/s - 8/13/2010 1:49:28 AM

Nehemiah

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One of the things that bothers me is that if I would have just communicated better, I would have been able to play with a particular woman 3 years ago. Better late than never. She turns out to be a great person and fun to be with. But during those last 3 years the sparks flew when we were in the same room. I would try my best to avoid her and she did the same.

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