Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (Full Version)

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siamsa24 -> Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 8:50:42 PM)

I know this doesn't EXACTLY pertain to WIIWD, but everyone here was always very helpful in general advice so I am going to give it a go. 

I have been with my Husband for a little over seven years and we have been pretty happy during that time.  In February of 2008 I gave birth to a baby girl and our sex life disappeared.  We didn't do ANYTHING, I just couldn't.  I tried, for his sake, but I was miserable and we eventually stopped trying.  We have lived this way for a few years now and it isn't very happy at all. 
Recently, however, things have changed.  About nine months ago I was transferred to a new location at work, shortly after I transferred another manager transferred in, he is technically my boss, although we both report to the same person.  It is a three tiered management scale, I am on the bottom, he is in the middle, we both report to the person on top. 
Now, I am technically not really attracted to this man, not physically or anything, and we have a purely professional relationship.  However, I recently started having extremely intense and vivid dreams about him.  They aren't sexual, just very emotional and for some reason that translates into being sexual for me. 
The problem is that I don't know what to do with this.  I have to work with this man almost every day and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of coming into physical contact with him because I fear my body's reaction (I work retail and physical contact is almost inevitable).  The good part about this is that by the time I get home from a 9+ hour shift I am desperate for release and it has dramatically improved mine and my Husband's sex life, but it is causing me a great deal of stress at work. 
The other problem is in my dreams this coworker is extremely protective and our "relationship" is deep and emotional, but in RL he is professional, kind and friendly, but professional.  I am starting to get my feelings hurt! I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help it for some reason.
I don't know what to do! Do I just hope that these things fade? I can't ask for another transfer, my position has recently been eliminated, but I am protected by my location, if I ask for a transfer I may not stay protected.  I also don't want to cut ties with this coworker, he is very good for my career, he is on his way up and the way things are going he will take me with him. 
I just don't understand and I don't know what to do, I have never had something like this happen.  I guess I'm just looking for advice from people who I know will give me an honest answer.
Thanks [:)]



EbonyWood -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 8:57:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

(I work retail and physical contact is almost inevitable). 


This caught my eye.
 
I need to change careers.
 

 
And yes, I thought of saying 'Any openings?'



siamsa24 -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 9:00:06 PM)

lol, I didn't think about how that sounded!

I am at the point now where I am unsure what ANY kind of touch would do to me, even bumping into each other while unloading a truck, touching hands while stacking boxes or other innocent contact that happens on a daily basis [:D]



Chrisincuffs -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 9:03:44 PM)

I'm not sure, I've had "crushes" I guess you could say, on a coworker here and there. I too didn't feel any physical attraction, but it was more the the way we clicked that I became attracted to. I just ignored it and over time the feelings faded. I can't say that would happen to anyone though, I mean people have affairs with co-workers all too often.
Perhaps becoming re-acquainted with CM can turn the focus off of this coworker.
I think in this economy networking is extremely important. if you see continuing contact with this person as a business opportunity that can benefit you and your family maybe it would be a good idea to keep them in your business life



Tantriqu -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 9:08:13 PM)

From your thumbnail sketch, sounds like you don't like your husband anymore, possibly resenting his not sharing in parenting duties or his actions when you were pregnant, and are staying together for family or financial reasons, or from fear of independence.
your subconscious is having a whale of a time, while your conscious mind feels guilty for having what you know are imaginary feelings for a good man who isn't yours. you say you want a protector, rather than a real boss or your reallife hubbie. From the number of times you say the word 'protector', it's time for some counselling with a PhD psychologist, separately or with your hubbie, and getting ready for the big decision to fix what you got, or let go and move on, and live by yourself with your daughter for awhile so you know you can be happy by yourself rather than having to depend on a 'protector' at home or at work.

Good luck!



siamsa24 -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 9:22:04 PM)

Chrisincuffs,
I'm kind of hoping that coming back here will help.  It's actually funny, when I see my coworker I always think "really? he looks so different in real life!"
I think part of this is that I have NEVER had a crush of any kind on a coworker.  My Husband is actually only my second relationship.  I think part of it is that the coworker and I are also on a similar diet and exercise program so we are able to bond over food and how much we hate our workout [:)]

Tantriqu,
Wow, you read a lot into that little blip! I still love my Husband, but we lost our spark, we are trying to get it back, but he is unemployed (working freelance right now) and I am working an hour from home.  Mix those stresses in with having an active and special needs toddler and you are bound to have trials.  I was trying to read my post again to see where you got the idea that I overused the term "protect" and I can see how it may seem that way, but I really only used it once in reference to the coworker, the other two times were in reference to my employment location.  I know I have "Daddy Issues" and abandonment issues, I don't need a counselor to tell me that [:)]
I appreciate the input, but I don't know if leaving my loyal and loving Husband is the right solution for me.





poise -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 9:58:04 PM)

I dont know you any more than the many other members who post here asking for advice on such a personal matter, but I think I can help you understand what may have led to all this. Perhaps you will find your answer there. Of course, Ive been wrong before, but willing to take that risk if it offers you any help.[:D]

You became a mother, a joyous time indeed, but you turned off your role as wife and woman so you could focus 100% on being a mother. It's not unusual, and even more common given the fact that your child has special needs.
Bravo to you and your husband for maintaining the marriage through this transformation, but it has not been without detriment to your relationship. Your husband may be a wonderful father and a fantastic husband, but somewhere along the way you have lost respect for him as a man, and you resent the fact that he can not bring out the woman in you. (even if it was your choice of refusing a physical relationship at first) Enter your coworker, who by being on an equal tier with you in the workplace has already garnered your respect. He has the advantage. Who wouldnt want to have wild passionate sex with someone they respected? It's quite intoxicating.
I think you are wiser and stronger then you give yourself credit. You've managed to work with this man for 9 months without throwing yourself at his feet. What you need to do to help you shift this sexual energy to your husband is find ways to respect him again. Take the time to focus only on the positives of him and maybe you can start seeing him in a better light.



Zevar -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 10:15:52 PM)

quote:

siamsa24 Original
I guess I'm just looking for advice from people who I know will give me an honest answer. Thanks [:)]



Greetings siamsa24:

In reading your words it is clear that you have been transparent here in your words written. This is a good quality to demonstrate. The issue you raise regarding you emotionalizing yourself toward this co-worker does bring forth a few thoughts that I would like to share with you as follows:

To begin you have been honest with yourself. This is laudable. You have not however been honest about the facts with yourself of your current marriage where you pledge fidelity to your husband. Lest you not forget your precious child that you speak of in your words. You are a mother to this precious little one AND a wife to your husband. Noble indeed AND surely not worth a few moments with a stranger who will never be able to become responsible for your reasons as to why you have developed this unjustified emotional fixation toward him.

I do not judge you for speaking, not at all. It is good to talk AND it is always good to be honest with our self and then others. However in this situation of your work environment it sounds to me from your words that perhaps you have become unilaterally mentally and emotionally fixated with this co-worker AND clearly not dealing with your current marriage obligation to be trustworthy to your husband in an honest manner. Further it sounds like you are allowing this unjustified emotional fixation to become a fantasy like reality toward this co-worker.

It also appears as though this unjustified emotional fixation has led to emotionalizing your thoughts which in turn appear to have some factual foundation to you as you mentioned a concern if you have physical contact with this man AND that the sexual relationship of you and your husband has changed due to you having these mental fixations toward a man that is not your husband. You also mentioned that you are aware that you have issues and do not need a counselor to tell you before you know it to be true.

My forthright question to you is as follows:

Do you love AND value your husband and child enough to speak with a professional counselor with the goal of discussing these issues so that you can get help in developing a form of mental prevention regarding acting in a manner toward this co-worker that you might later regret?

Note: MFT= Marriage and Family Therapist. They are known to be trained resources to utilize when these sort of issues arise in a marriage. I fully support you to make a good and wise choice so that you do not have to live out the consequences of a poorly made choice that would betray the bond of trust with your husband AND eventually not be in the best interest of your precious child.

Herein is my HONEST answer to your presentation regarding your unresolved issue(s)

Tke GOOD care of you and your family!



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/5/2010 10:39:22 PM)

My only advice would be, focus less on your infatuation and more on your husband. Work on igniting romance, not just sex, between you and your partner, and forget this co-worker. The more you fixate on it, the more obssessive your infatuation becomes. Put your emotional energy where it should be. If you still have love for your husband, and your sexlife is now improving, that sounds like the makings for a rekindling of all those things you enjoyed when you married him.



Brain -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 12:10:25 AM)

Do your job and be professional like him. He’s probably married like you and if this develops further you will both regret not being faithful to and hurting your spouse.

If he’s single and your husband was cheating on you that would be different. Don’t do anything stupid to make your stress at work worse and put your job in jeopardy as the company can fire both of you. I’m sure any ‘hanky panky’ is not allowed.
Bill



WtfRandom -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 1:49:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

My only advice would be, focus less on your infatuation and more on your husband. Work on igniting romance, not just sex, between you and your partner, and forget this co-worker. ...Put your emotional energy where it should be.


This.



ranja -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 1:51:58 AM)

enjoy your crush... remember that no body knows but you ( we do not count) and keep it that way
make sure to chanel this lovely feeling into your marriage
good luck



crazyml -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 2:05:40 AM)

Hello!

Just to warn you, this is a completely unqualified, and uninformed response to your question... I'm in no way qualified to dish out any kind of diagnosis, so I'm probably talking baloney... but hey... when did that stop me (or many others!) on these fora!

I think that the dreams you're having may not have been prompted by attraction - You're working closely with someone, you're a team. If your role has been eliminated in some parts of the organisation, perhaps there's a little anxiety about proving your value. Perhaps that's creating a tighter closer bond with your co-worker.

Perhaps you're developing an intimate professional relationship - with all the trust, respect, loyalty etc that goes with that. These relationships share so many of the characteristics of an intimate romantic relationship that it's easy for the boundaries to blur.

Perhaps this is especially true if there are elements of your romantic life that aren't being completely fulfilled right now.

It seems as if your marriage isn't ideal..

quote:


In February of 2008 I gave birth to a baby girl and our sex life disappeared.  We didn't do ANYTHING, I just couldn't.  I tried, for his sake, but I was miserable and we eventually stopped trying.  We have lived this way for a few years now and it isn't very happy at all. 


Your lil girl is two and a bit then - so you're still very very focussed on her - Perhaps it's just hard with all the other stuff you have on your plate to get romantic with your husband? Perhaps the fact that you're now having erotic thoughts means that you might be ready to try again with your husband?

My advice (for what it's worth) is - don't worry too much about the dreams/crush - don't dwell too much on them. Perhaps you should dwell instead on the potential implications for you, your daughter and your husband if something did happen?

If you're truly unhappy in your marriage, and you don't believe that it can be repaired, then perhaps you should consider a separation? If you don't know whether it's beyond repair, perhaps you should consider some form of relationship counselling?

At the end of the day none of us can really advise you.. all I can say is take a deeeeeeep breath, don't worry overmuch about dreams etc - and look at what you need to do to fix, or gently disengage from, your marriage.

Good luck, and I wish you well.



siamsa24 -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 5:06:23 AM)

Thank you everyone, you have given me quite a bit to ponder.  



DarkSteven -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 6:12:29 AM)

Hi, siamsa.

Please note that having a baby will stress any relationship.  It has split up some marriages, and set others to drifting.    The fact that you have a commute and your husband is unemployed are major additional stressors.

I suggest that if the two of you attend a church, you look into marriage Encounter.  It's offered through churches.  it does not address issues in marriages - it simply makes the two of you feel the emotions once again that were rpesent when you first met, and also teaches communication.  It will be a lot less expensive and painful than a therapist and in my mind has longer lasting results.





kiwisub12 -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 1:44:40 PM)

My shrink once told me that when we dream about a real person, we aren't actually dreaming about them, but what they represent to us.

For instance, i once dreamed , in a very vivid way about one of my doctors - and thinking about it, i realised he represented stability and caring - something sadly lacking at that time.  Perhaps if you can get past the person and think about what he represents to you, you can work on that part of your life.



lally2 -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 4:11:11 PM)

you know ive got this song in my head.  its all about a guy placing an add in a paper, the lyrics go into what he wants in a partner, fun, excitement, romance and a bit of sillyness and then he gets an answer back and the woman wants the same and so they agree to meet in a cafe and it turns out its his wife.

maybe youre hubby is feeling the same as you - maybe theres someone in the local shop down the way he's having fantasies over but isnt going there for the same reasons as you.  maybe stuck at home working freelance with a demanding baby is making him wish for a bit of excitement and fun.

had you ever thought of sharing one of those fantasies with youre husband.  if you love him and want to stay with him, its him you need to be focusing on.

escape through fantasy is fine and fun but its not doing you any good.  you guys need youre wage so you cant pick up and leave that job.  you cant carry on as you are and you cant risk youre marriage to the man you love.

if youre fantasies have brought back youre sex life, maybe its those fantasies you both need to share.



January -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 4:21:54 PM)

quote:

My shrink once told me that when we dream about a real person, we aren't actually dreaming about them, but what they represent to us.


That's an interesting observation, kiwi. I'll bet if siamsa24 really thought about the boss, she might realize what the man really represented to her (freedom from real life? Kindness? Intimacy?), and he would then lose his potency to disturb her dreams.

I also wonder if her libido is just suddenly (and finally) reborn, and that's what's causing some of the turmoil. Unfortunately, humping the hubby really won't solve her problem.

I think DS is right about marriage encounters. Whether a formal encounter or not, recapturing that husband/wife intimacy is critical... emotion and trust is a prelude to meaningful marriage sex.

January



Twoshoes -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 5:00:40 PM)

Simple explanation:

You find men with jobs attractive. Men who listen to your explanations of diet/exercise attractive. And men have similiar recreational activities (exercising) attractive. NOT SURPRISING.

When you go to work, you aren't spending time at home with your kid and and you lose the "MOMMY" state of mind which blocks out of everything else usually. Thus, when you go to work, you can channel your other personas, such as "THE CONVERSATIONALIST", "INTERESTING GIRL" and "INNER SLUT" and they all want to play.

More complicated explanation to follow.



DarkSteven -> RE: Not exactly a BDSM question, but a question about relationships in general (8/6/2010 8:15:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

you know ive got this song in my head.  its all about a guy placing an add in a paper, the lyrics go into what he wants in a partner, fun, excitement, romance and a bit of sillyness and then he gets an answer back and the woman wants the same and so they agree to meet in a cafe and it turns out its his wife.



If you like pina coladas...



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