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RE: Getting it back - 8/4/2010 4:49:20 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Please bear with me, but I'm going to ad a tad more than my tuppence worth here from both the perspective of a disabled Master and from the perspective of a counsellor and therapist.

Having osteoarthritis in both knees really is more than a slight pain in the rectum. It is bloody painful and oft crippling. Walking, even with the aid of a stick for any length of time is painful, standing for more then 30 minutes is painful, shopping at the mall requires the use of a wheel chair (as no one wants a grumpy old fart about. This is being sorted out thanks to my orthopaedic surgeon who, the gods willing, will replace one knee before December 31 and the other six months later. Time, exercise and physio will at least get me mobile again. Can't do much with diabetes and loss of adequate circulation causing ED./ My point is there are lots of things I will be wanting to do but I also understand that I will NOT be able to get back to where I was 12 years ago. It is unlikely I'll be running my usual 5 kms daily or a 10 km walk twice a week (in one hit) but I will be able to daily walk the dogs their usual circuit of three blocks with many rest and social stops. I sound be able to spend a useful day on my feet at my forge making medieval arms and armour (combat ready). I will not be bullet proof and run down bad guys any more, nor will I be able to play football. I can not go back to where I was at my physical peak. This is life and this includes both illness and aging. What I do have now that I didn't have before is the experience and wisdom of compensating and looking for new ways and means to still do the core elements of what I loved doing. I lokk at what I have been through as a lesson and learning from it rather then allowing it to bog me down and keep me in a very negative space. I look forward to setting new goalos and a new journey in life with my family exploring the world on fresh legs and opening a new, exciting and even a wealth creating chapter of my life journey as well as finishing unfinished business (like finish writing the trilogy I started decades ago). I can and do take all this and apply it when counselling others who are restarting their lives and in therapy with those who are comming to terms with the concept that things may not be what they used to be.

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Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to lally2)

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Post #: 21

RE: Getting it back - 8/4/2010 5:01:56 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lenorexx

My dilemma: Recently, Master has been talking more about BDSM stuff, signaling renewed interest. So, I start paying
attention again too. This should thrill me, no? No. I find, to my surprise and dismay--it scares the living daylights
out of me! Not only that, but I find it...kinda repulsive. Not in general, but to imagine myself doing.

You've grown accustomed to life as it stands and once has a great affinity for a way of relating that changed between you. Whether the desires were repressed or merely fluttered away remains to be seen. However, your reaction is normal and makes sense.

quote:

I no longer have any pleasant--even vicarious pleasure--associations with fear and pain and consentual non-consent. Ye gods, I'm no longer kinky. Really??

Not necessarily. I see it as calibration to your owner. Since kink and play were no longer activities that he engaged in you followed his lead. Now he's shifted directions and your mindset hasn't caught up as of yet. You're still processing this for the most part. It is a huge change.

quote:

That vanilla cone is awfully appropriate!

Oddly enough I can relate to what you're experiencing. When I walked away from the kneel I experienced a momentary shock that was followed by a quiet knowing. It was a time and it really wasn't unexpected. Nonetheless, I had to process the mental and emotional impact of my decision and the direction I was walking towards. In my case it was familiar and one I'd traveled before, but that didn't change the settling period and the internal machinations that took place.

And don't forget the fear of the unknown. You'll likely encounter emotions from the past that relate to the loss and the adjustments made. The possibility of that occurring again would be hard to ignore. Veering away from kink is much safer than having it and watching it go away once more. Communicate and be patient. Time is your friend and it sounds like you have an empathetic partner that's willing to listen and help you through this. Best of luck on your journey.

~porcelaine

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His will; my fate.

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Post #: 22

RE: Getting it back - 8/4/2010 7:52:31 PM

lenorexx

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/3/2010
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Thank you for your well wishes, Zevar.
Please accept mine in return.

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RE: Getting it back - 8/4/2010 8:20:55 PM

lenorexx

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
1 word: conditioning

Think we can get it down to a syllable? ;-)

Thanks for replying, WinsomeDefiance. Yes, I agree that conditioning is going to be one of the best tools for this. Thanks for your thoughts.

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Post #: 24

RE: Getting it back - 8/5/2010 4:13:51 AM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
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He's just not that into you, move on

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RE: Getting it back - 8/6/2010 10:36:16 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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Hi lenorexx,

I understand where you are coming from, from both sides of the kneel. As a Domme who hasn't had much opportunity to play with subs due to lifestyle changes ... I get nervous when the opportunity DOES arise, though it doesn't stop Me from wanting to play, it does make My play somewhat restrained. So don't forget, your Master could be experiencing similar nervousness to you, but may not feel ok about expressing that! Maybe He will when you express your feelings to Him.

As a sub, Master and i hadn't played for ages (about 2 years), again due to various changes in life. One of the reasons i loved hosting play parties where we used to live, was that it set aside time for play at least once a month! Last week we had the chance to play again ... and i was a bit nervous, but was still able to get excited about it. Master was also nervous and He confessed to being concerned He wouldn't get into the right mindset. Having to fix the cross before we began probably didn't help LOL but the amazing thing was this. Once He had me naked and tied to it and His hand hit my ass a few times ... the old feelings came back! No, He didn't go to 250 ... His hand wouldn't have handled it and neither would my ass LOL ... but what He did was thoroughly enjoyed by BOTH of us. These days i can't stand for hugely long periods of time, so after my spanking and flogging on the cross, He sat me on a chair to do some rope bondage and other play. It was a case of adapting to what we could both do NOW without holding up some long-past standard of what we could do THEN.

So ... at the moment you are allowing apprehension and fear of failing Him to cloud any sense of anticipation that would actually help you prepare to succeed. I think you need to talk it over so you know what He might have in mind (at least get apprehensive about what really might happen ... the imagination is always worse!). You need to share your concerns with Him, I do agree with DesFIP in that basically He turned you off ... He needs to turn you back on. This IS primarily His problem as the Dom, though i definitely understand your not wanting to fail Him. Finally, did you by any chance journal when you were an active playslut? Or do you have photos of you being played with? If so, dig out those books and reread them, and the photos and look at them. That may help you recapture the positive feelings ... because it's not some "other" person having those things done to them, it's YOU in the story and the picture!

All the best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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Post #: 26