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Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:08:01 PM

Sizlak

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/12/2010
Status: offline

So, I have an opportunity to have a friends with benefits type relationship. I have never had a relationship like his in the past. I have always sought long term monogamous relationships involving commitment. I have become friends with a woman considerably younger than myself but not too young (mid 20's). When we started talking I made it clear that I am looking for a relationship. At first she seemed to want the same thing. After talking more she has told me that she is fresh out of a relationship and she wants to be single for a while. She has said that she has limited sexual experience and wants to broaden her horizons, and has said that she would like it if I helped her in that regard. This is something that I know I could do with/for her, and I'm sure I'd enjoy it. What I'm not sure of is how detached I can remain.

I haven't been in a relationship for almost 10 years. This woman is some one I could see myself in a long term relationship with if she was open to it. Part of me says that I shouldn't be closed off to this kind of relationship (and that part has been getting louder and louder the longer I'm single). The part of me that wants the relationship I've been holding out for says I should keep holding out. It has occurred to me that I'd have to make an extra effort not to try to "change her mind" or pressure her into something that she doesn't want relationship wise.

What are some of your experiences with FWB relationships?
Are you really friends or is it just sex?
What kind of boundaries do you set?
What happens when some one crosses the boundaries?
Have your FWB relationships been over all positive experiences?
How have they ended?
Can you go from FWB back to just friends?

Post #: 1

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:11:44 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think this is an Off Topic discussion as being finding sex is not kinky, having sex with friends, even less kinky. I prefer sex with enemies. They tend to stay away between fucks, and they don't bore me with unnecessary chitchat, like "what are you thinking about?", etc.... just be mean to me, fuck me, and then go away

(tongue is definitely in cheek here)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 2

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:15:11 PM

Sizlak

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/12/2010
Status: offline

Well the sex would defiantly involve kink as that is what she want to learn about. She is submissive and I am dominant, I'm not sure how much of that dynamic I'd want to bring into the relationship. So add that to the list of questions.

Can you have a FWB relationship with a D/s dynamic?

Edit:
Not can it be done, rather have you had a successful FWB relationship involving a D/s dynamic, and was it a positive experience?

< Message edited by Sizlak -- 7/30/2010 8:17:52 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 3

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:19:41 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I would think that should be the focus of the post... having a casual BDSM focused relationship, because FWB means sex, not kink, to me... this second post would be a better focus for a thread in this section

quote:

Can you have a FWB relationship with a D/s dynamic?

the answer to that, for me, is "no". D/s is much more than friendship to me, it involves friendship for me, but it is about much more than that. It is intimate for me, and I do not engage in that sort of interaction for an FWB situation. The two just wouldn't go together. Someone ordering me around on their time schedule, when they are in the mood or have time, that isn't D/s... that is a casual play partner. I don't play casually

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 4

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:22:29 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sizlak

It has occurred to me that I'd have to make an extra effort not to try to "change her mind" or pressure her into something that she doesn't want relationship wise.

This, for me, is the key of the matter. I've done friends with benfits, both successfully and moderately unsuccessfully. For it to work everyone has to be on the same page, which means that no one is trying to change anyone's mind or pressure anyone.

quote:

What are some of your experiences with FWB relationships?

For at least two... utterly fanastic. We got exactly what we wanted from each other and ended it when we wanted to. One, the sexual contact is almost certainly over. The other... well we're relatively sure we'll be lovers again in the future but neither of us are in a particular hurry for it to happen again. With both, still incredibly close, I regard them as some of my best friends.

With two others, I definately fell for them. With one, things didn't end particularly well but there wasn't any fighting or anything. It just wasn't a great ending. With another, we faded into a wonderful friendship. He attended and danced with me at my wedding.

Those are the most prominent. I've had others, men and women where we came together to fulfill our physical desires and then drifted apart peaceably.

quote:

Are you really friends or is it just sex?

Most of them were very much really friends. I stayed in contact and hung out with all of them even after we cut out the sex, I've just drifted away from some faster than others and there are those that, even after 5+ years, are still on my speed dial.

quote:

What kind of boundaries do you set?

For the most part formal boundaries weren't set. I had one who strongly disliked the term "lover" so I respected that. In retrospect, I probably should have set more formal boundries but I was in a good situation when I was enjoying my friends with benfits. None of us were being monogamous to the others, we all knew it, nobody cared and we all used protection.

quote:

What happens when some one crosses the boundaries?

Same thing that happens when a friend crosses a boundary - you talk about it. Either you decide to work through it, you cut that area off or you stop being friends.

quote:

Have your FWB relationships been over all positive experiences?

Definately.

quote:

How have they ended?

For me, with one exception, they came to a natural and overall pleasent end. Someone had to move, someone got into a relationship, the interest died down, etc. The one that didn't end too well didn't end badly but I felt it was too abrupt. Still, I understand why they did what they did and I respect them for it.

quote:

Can you go from FWB back to just friends?

For me and the people I was involved with... yes, very much so. Valyraen and I were privately amused that several friends with benfits, people I've scened with, etc were both in attendence at our wedding and in our wedding party. Thank goodness my Mother never found out...

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 5

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:24:00 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sizlak

Well the sex would defiantly involve kink as that is what she want to learn about. She is submissive and I am dominant, I'm not sure how much of that dynamic I'd want to bring into the relationship. So add that to the list of questions.

Can you have a FWB relationship with a D/s dynamic?

Edit:
Not can it be done, rather have you had a successful FWB relationship involving a D/s dynamic, and was it a positive experience?

Yes and yes. My first FWB was a dominant who introduced me to all this. We simply arranged the dynamic to suit where we were at the time so that we were both happy - isn't that what it all boils down to anyway?

It was fanastic. There were mistakes made but I wouldn't take it back or change a thing.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 7/30/2010 8:25:12 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 6

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:24:17 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

not sure how I double posted :(

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/30/2010 8:27:07 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 7

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:26:32 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sizlak

What are some of your experiences with FWB relationships?

I've had several, some more successful than others. Some vanilla, some not and I don't agree that there's anything special or different about sex with kink than any other form of sex when it comes to relationship basics.

Are you really friends or is it just sex?

It depends on the relationship, I can't say I've ever had repeated sex with anyone I couldn't call friend.

What kind of boundaries do you set?

None other than there still has to be communication as it is still a relationship, albeit a limited one and obviously safe sex (thanks Val for reminding me).

What happens when some one crosses the boundaries?

Because the relationship is rather limited in the parties desire to invest in it, in my experience, it will fail much sooner and that is usually the result I see.

Have your FWB relationships been over all positive experiences?

no, but most have.

How have they ended?

it varies, I have some very good friends I have had casual sexual relationships with.

Can you go from FWB back to just friends?

I don't personally believe you can ever go back to being just friends with anyone you're had sex with. You can however, take a mature approach to putting aside hurt feelings and attempt to salvage a relationship that doesn't involve sex.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/30/2010 8:28:20 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 8

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:28:18 PM

Nehemiah

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I've had FWB both strictly sexual and others for kink play. We didn't make it into anything more than what it was. One of the other important parts to the relationship is that you have other interests besides sex and kink. I have friends who like to do goofy things that are far removed from sex and kink. If all you have is sex or kink, your FWB relationship is bound to fail.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 9

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:28:32 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I don't personally believe you can ever go back to being just friends with anyone you're had sex with. You can however, take a mature approach to putting aside hurt feelings and attempt to salvage a relationship that doesn't involve sex.

Do you believe that no one can go back to being just friends or that you can't?

No offense intended but I ask because that statement invalidates several of my friendships that honestly had no hurt feelings. We joke about our time together and, if anything, I honestly believed it strengthened our friendship.

Not that I'd suggest fucking to bring friends closer together or anything. I just know that, for me anyway, it can happen.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 10

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:31:18 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Good question. I mean you are never JUST friends. Some of the people I learned the most about bdsm from were casual relationships. I still don't see them as JUST friends and they certainly have more invested in me than most of my friends do as far as how much they would be willing to help me in a crisis, etc.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 11

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:33:53 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Good question. I mean you are never JUST friends. Some of the people I learned the most about bdsm from were casual relationships. I still don't see them as JUST friends and they certainly have more invested in me than most of my friends do as far as how much they would be willing to help me in a crisis, etc.

I suppose that depends on how you define "just friends". For me, it's someone that I'm not sexually/romantically involved with and not likely to become so in the forseeable future. Which is exactly what my ex-FWBs have become.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 12

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:35:05 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Ok that's fair, I see them as more than friends. I would be more willing to tell them things, ask them for help, go out of my way to help them than I might someone who is just a friend. (if that makes sense).

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:41:59 PM

Chrisincuffs

Posts: 602
Joined: 12/7/2009
Status: offline

I was also once in a FWB situation that worked out very well we kept it going for 3 years in fact. it was he that I began experimenting and getting into BDSM with. We did, however get to a point where we had told each other everything as friends and had grown to love each other as friends. We knew each was not monogamous to the other and just weren't sure where to go from there. We were both young and wanted to experience more before settling down. After that we moved to separate states and lost touch. I'm sure if we ran into each other on the street the temptation to rip each other's clothes off one last time would be there, lol.
The other was a friend that I had for years and years and one night we were both in very emotional places and alone and one thing led to another. It was one time and we can joke about it now. We love each other as friends and both have agreed on a million reasons why it would never work out between us.
I also have had guy friends that I would have been happy to have as a FWB, but turned it down because I knew he would push for a relationship.
The best thing in a situation like that is promise to keep ALL lines of communication open to keep anyone from getting hurt.
I think you have to ask yourself first, if you did become FWB with this girl will you be ok with everything if you develop feelings for her and she doesn't reciprocate those feelings? What will you do? walk away or keep things going as they are?
It's good to think ahead

_____________________________

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than pain it's impressions are unmistakable. -Marquis DeSade

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 14

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:43:26 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Shore is a Diamond Club member in AC. Does that count?

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:43:50 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Ok that's fair, I see them as more than friends. I would be more willing to tell them things, ask them for help, go out of my way to help them than I might someone who is just a friend. (if that makes sense).

It does and it doesn't. Not everyone I've ever been FWB with is still in my inner circle. There are certainly people I've been FWB that I'm less willing to tell them things than I am other friends, not because we've slept together but because of things that have happened in the following years.

The fact that I've slept with them really doesn't factor in for me. A few... I don't even know where they are anymore. Others were in my wedding party. Like any other groups of friends (geeky friends, college friends, high school friends, etc) some have stayed and others haven't.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 16

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:44:24 PM

Chrisincuffs

Posts: 602
Joined: 12/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

No offense intended but I ask because that statement invalidates several of my friendships that honestly had no hurt feelings. We joke about our time together and, if anything, I honestly believed it strengthened our friendship.

Not that I'd suggest fucking to bring friends closer together or anything. I just know that, for me anyway, it can happen.

I totally agree with you there, been there done that and happy we can joke about it together

_____________________________

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than pain it's impressions are unmistakable. -Marquis DeSade

(in reply to Chrisincuffs)

Post #: 17

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:46:13 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Ok that's fair, I see them as more than friends. I would be more willing to tell them things, ask them for help, go out of my way to help them than I might someone who is just a friend. (if that makes sense).

It does and it doesn't. Not everyone I've ever been FWB with is still in my inner circle. There are certainly people I've been FWB that I'm less willing to tell them things than I am other friends, not because we've slept together but because of things that have happened in the following years.

The fact that I've slept with them really doesn't factor in for me. A few... I don't even know where they are anymore. Others were in my wedding party. Like any other groups of friends (geeky friends, college friends, high school friends, etc) some have stayed and others haven't.

laughs....mhm...well we're not the same then are we? And NOW back to the OP, which I am NOT.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 18

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:50:55 PM

DarlingSavage

Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline

quote:

So, I have an opportunity to have a friends with benefits type relationship. I have never had a relationship like his in the past. I have always sought long term monogamous relationships involving commitment.

Wow, for a second there, I thought you were a woman! Of course, I had to look cause I couldn't figure out why you hadn't had more offers on the FWB thing.

< Message edited by DarlingSavage -- 7/30/2010 8:52:20 PM >

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!

(in reply to Sizlak)

Post #: 19

RE: Friends with benefits. - 7/30/2010 8:54:13 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
laughs....mhm...well we're not the same then are we? And NOW back to the OP, which I am NOT.

LOL - No, we aren't. To quote a favorite movie of mine, "Allah loves wonderous variety".

*blows kisses to the Laurell before running off lest she get modsmacked for a hijack*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 20

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