Serious players vs. fantasy players (Full Version)

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Nehemiah -> Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:33:51 PM)

I've made contact with some people on Collarme and things seem to be going well and when it comes time to actually meet, the other person flakes out and I never hear from them again.

I've recently joined another social network of kinksters and am having better luck. I've met and played with more of them in a shorter time than I have on Collarme. Some of them on the other social network used to be on Collarme and have told me the same thing. They would meet someone on Collarme, things progressed well online and by phone, but just when they were about to get together...nothing. The other person flaked.

Collarme seems to have a reputation for being mostly very mild players or fantasy role-players. But as I say, some of the hard players I've met used to be on Collarme, yet I never met them here.

I wonder why I couldn't make contact with them here, yet very easily met them on the other social network.

Is there a way to present myself on Collarme to attract someone more compatible? Any suggestions to make my time on Collarme more productive?



Jeffff -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:35:59 PM)

The dating side of CM probably isn't a good as it could be.

I find posting here is a better way to get to know someone and them you.

Rumor has it that chat rooms are ok.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:38:51 PM)

I dunno about the chat rooms, a guy who runs one of our local events says that he gets booted for trolling when he logs on and asks if anyone is from Metro Detroit.

The other side... fails a lot. It's a pain to sort through the flakes, the only solution I have found is to be harsh and make them come to me. Am I going to be at an event? I announce it. Am I going shopping on that day? They can meet me at the coffee shop I go to. I just won't inconvenience myself anymore.



LadyPact -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:43:38 PM)

I'm pretty sure that I don't get confused with a fantasy player.

I've met over a hundred people from this site and had no problem in doing so.  That's been everything from people that I've played with to just meeting up to say hi at events.

The only problem that I've ever had regarding someone doubting who I was would be the fact that I'm not getting on cam to prove it.  Show up at the same event as Me, go to the same munch, or any other thing.  No issue.  Potential recording without My consent?  Not going to happen.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:46:09 PM)

I think we have luck AT EVENTS, LP, because we leave the house!! I am not saying that folks who play in public are in any way better than private players, but when it comes to actually meeting, socially motivated folks are more reliable.

If I have one more person say that they can't go to a munch or a coffee meet because SOMEONE MIGHT SEE THEM..... grrrrrrrrr!!



lizi -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 2:48:25 PM)

I've had decent luck here with meeting people in real life, in fact I've never had an instance where the other person flaked out or didn't show up. I'm not part of the hard core scene or a casual player...when I've been active in meeting others its been for more of a dating thing. I'm not on any other kink sites so I can't compare CM to the others.



LadyPact -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 3:01:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I think we have luck AT EVENTS, LP, because we leave the house!! I am not saying that folks who play in public are in any way better than private players, but when it comes to actually meeting, socially motivated folks are more reliable.

If I have one more person say that they can't go to a munch or a coffee meet because SOMEONE MIGHT SEE THEM..... grrrrrrrrr!!

I know your pain.  LOL.

In most cases though, I talked to people here, either on the forums or through mail, about places that I knew I was going to be at.  It's happened the other way around too, where I've met someone and then later found out they had an account here, but that's more the exception than the rule.  I used to have a habit of chiming in on the Upcoming Events section if I was planning on being at an event that somebody posted.  It's a great way to meet people from the forums.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 3:06:19 PM)

I do that too! Though this summer the RSVP curse has kept me away from the party circuit. [>:]

I know that MANY will disagree, and good on 'em, but it's my opinion that if you are NEW and semi-clueless that you should get out and see what other real life folks are doing. No one says you HAVE to play at a party. Shoot, I don't most of the time!

Anyway, I have met LOTS of folks from Collarme, both from the forums and the other side. It's just a matter of winnowing. I also think that there are lots more "kinksters" who would be better served on Alt or AFF than on here. Fetlife is not set up for finding folks, but I use it for my resource for local group events. Maybe those people are more likely to get out? A MYSTERY.



BonesFromAsh -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/30/2010 3:15:01 PM)

Having just returned from a very pleasant 1st time coffee date with a fellow CMer, I have to say meeting people really hasn't been a problem.  Meeting compatible people....well, that's a different story.  Of course, right now my profile states I'm only actively searching for friends...but I feel a change coming on.

I'm not into any hard-core/heavy-player scene, I'm private and tend to approach this in context of a relationship (although that might change at some point...maybe sooner than later) and so I find what matters to me in a person is our compatibility on the whole...not just with regards to kink.  Munches are great for networking...sometimes for things that have nothing to do with kink.

The only other kink site I'm on is FetLife and I find it amusing that many of the men who contact me there have also written to me here on CM (usually with more detail than I care to read in an introductory email).  I use it mainly as a source of event information.

Your profile is fairly clear as to what you're looking for and about things like non-monogamy being a biggie.  You mention your prior experience in the adult industry which begs the question of connections.  Did you make any and have you tried to network through those connections?

*Edited to add.....For the record, in the 2 1/2 years I've been on CM (under both my former and current screen name) I've only had one person cancel on me.



reynardfox -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 2:52:50 AM)

Look, speaking as a fantastic Master and all round fun dominant and swell guy, I can get into this posting mock questions as a way of getting your name and pic over, and it possibly works. So I thought I would shamelessly but manfully jump in.
I find writing a full and amusing profile helps, some of these things look like shopping lists for professional miseries, a pic with smile (hey!) always helps, not something that looks like a scene of crime mugshot.  Just sound like someone people could have a good time with. (Beams Magisterially from comfy throne chair.)



Nehemiah -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 3:07:07 AM)

I have made connections in the industry and some of them are close friends. But I'm always looking to expand my friendships.

I've also noticed that Collarme frowns upon professional pictures and I wonder if that carries over socially. Some of the people I've begun conversations with on CM seemed open at the beginning and then when they found out my experience suddenly cut off communication. I'm wondering if that could be a problem on CM.



myotherself -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 3:11:46 AM)

I'm on a few fet sites, and to be honest this is the best site for meeting people. Although that's really damning "the other side" of cm with faint praise...

I'm on a UK only website called Informedconsent, which is pretty crappy for everything except local event info. I've chatted to many on there, but most were looking for cyber or for a quick NSA shag. A few didn't bother turning up to meets, so now I tend to only log on there once every couple of weeks, if that.

I've met quite a few people from cm - some have turned into friends, some were one-off coffee dates, and there were even a couple of relationships. I've never been stood up by someone from cm, and I credit this site for helping me pluck up the courage to go to my first munch and then my first club.

But mainly I like this site because I've made some fantastic online friends here in the UK and across the Atlantic. Not bad at all for a free site, eh? [:D]



BonesFromAsh -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 3:37:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

I have made connections in the industry and some of them are close friends. But I'm always looking to expand my friendships.

I guess it comes down to how you define friendship.  I had a man ask me if I meant "friends with benefits" when I listed "friends only" on my profile.  Everyone has a different definition.   

I've also noticed that Collarme frowns upon professional pictures and I wonder if that carries over socially. Some of the people I've begun conversations with on CM seemed open at the beginning and then when they found out my experience suddenly cut off communication. I'm wondering if that could be a problem on CM.

I don't know if CM (the website) frowns on professional photos.  I do know that most people seem to like a genuine representation of the person they're interacting with.  For me, that image is symbolic...for others it could be a smiling non-kink pic or an "action" shot. 
To be honest, OP, the photos on your profile give me the impression that bdsm/kink is who you are.  Is that the image you hoped to portray? 
 
FWIW, One of the first men I met from CM was a pretty serious player who was fairly well-known within a certain group of people in the tri-state area.  His photos were VERY average/non-kinky....and one even showed off his stunningly wicked smile. 




OohAahMrs -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 6:07:17 AM)

I've been here a very short time, have only contacted one person, have met that person and it's been marvellous. On the other hand, i've been approached by quite a few of both sexes that could only at best be described as con-artists and scammers. A shame really, as there seems to be so many genuine people. I'm in the uk so there are less contacts, i wish i was in the usa, its my ambition to get there one day. It seems to me that you are falling over potential contacts, especially on CM.



Nehemiah -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 6:20:56 AM)

I seem to do best at meeting and playing with people on FetLife. I've talked with a few people on Collarme, but nothing happened after the initial contact. On FetLife I have about 140 people who wanted to be online friends who I have common interests with. Of those, I've probably met a little more than 10 and about 6 of them I've played with and still keep in contact.

Adult Friend Finder was okay and I've had cyber sex there often, but hadn't actually met anyone in the flesh.

The reason I come to Collarme is to learn things I'm not familiar with. FetLife seems to be more for the experienced, so my discussion groups there are different than they are here.



BentUnit -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 6:48:08 AM)

It's very simple from my perspective.

A "Fantasy Player" will spin you out on-line or even real life.......minimal effort spent developing the relationship and then expect you to wait on the shelf, ignored, until their libido and their dick gets hard.
Then it's all systems go.

A "Serious Player" will put in time between romps to nurture the relationship and won't view you as a human flesh-light or a kink delivery system.

They are as different as chalk and cheese.



MHAP -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 7:05:50 AM)

IDK I have found both seriouse & Fantasy players here. and for the most part they all seem willing and available, perhaps there is a communication issue between you and them....

(but am not really looking to hook up) because i have enough "real" subs already... so i have not run into your dilema.



peppermint -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (7/31/2010 7:19:47 AM)

We all need to use the tools that work the best for us.  If Collarme isn't doing it for you and another site does, it's a no brainer.  Of the several online social sites I have been a part of I have met more through Collarme than anywhere else.  I've met about 50 from the site and some have been close friends for more than 5 years.  So I would say that Collarme works for me very well.  If the other site works well for you, use it.  



MercTech -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (8/1/2010 12:34:01 PM)

Hmmm... fantasy vs serious.

I'm a serious conversation slut. Give me an interesting topic and I'll run with it. But if I offer coffee and conversation, that is what I mean. I only play with those I can trust.

I've met with people I've convesed with on CM across the country. But, as to playtime, that is a rare thing with someone just met on the net.

Stefan



porcelaine -> RE: Serious players vs. fantasy players (8/1/2010 2:14:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I think we have luck AT EVENTS, LP, because we leave the house!! I am not saying that folks who play in public are in any way better than private players, but when it comes to actually meeting, socially motivated folks are more reliable.

If I have one more person say that they can't go to a munch or a coffee meet because SOMEONE MIGHT SEE THEM..... grrrrrrrrr!!


I don't know if it's merely related to play. But I've noticed that some people just prefer to conduct their affairs on this medium. Whereas I couldn't fathom spending hour upon hour conversing with someone on the Internet. That isn't my thing. Of course meeting face to face introduces an element of reality that may be problematic for the other person. But without it there is nothing to 'consider' in my opinion.

~porcelaine



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