DisenchantedLife
Posts: 193
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I'm not new here, I've been here before under various other names. I do like some of the new buttons and will enjoy playing with them. Collarme has changed a bit. Um. I had all of this written out in my head before I decided to write it, but now I'm feeling stumped. Shy perhaps. Perhaps not.
I have no problem throwing it all out there. I fear not the internet. Sure sure you are all people with lives, but your lives do not touch my life so imo I'm just putting it out into a void. Sounds weird, I'm sure. I DO have a problem throwing it all out there (or putting anything out) to anyone looking at me. IE if I was at a club, I'd probably just sit, watch and enjoy w/e show was before me.
I figure if I'm going to try and join in some part of life, IE a group like this - I should have the decency to give a brief idea of where I'm coming from so I do not offend, insult, piss off, or get myself banned.
I joined Collarme a few years ago under the name Riotgirl. I landed myself in some twisted fucked up relationship. Blind leading the blind and so on. (Really it was a pathological liar and sociopath leading me - har har har) I did the whole offend, insult, pissed off, and getting banned through all of that. I posted my problems, tried to take the advice, but kept coming back with more problems. The biggest problem was I did not know how to exit the relationship. (sure it sounds easy, but it wasnt!) I finally managed it after the birth of my son. I waged a war actually. Several 10's of thousands later - the war is over and I think I've won. Perhaps we've both won as things are (for the most part) Ok. Besides all the petty nonsense that drives me nuts. Har My goal was accomplished - those I love are safe. That be what matters.
That was about 3 yrs ago. The war took about a year. Dwindled down... now its just maintenance. You know.
After that as my Gma says its probably been the worst year of my life. Probably true. I just spent a year watching my best friend, my team mate, my Mother, my Mommy die. Crazy fucked up year and I think I'm still in shock. Still in something. Its been 7 months since she passed away and I'm still trying to figure out how to get super powers, use super powers and raise her from the dead. Except she's ash. She wanted to be cremated and my brother cremated her, I allowed. HOW do you raise some one from the dead when they haven't a body anymore? I dunno, but I'd really like to know. My brain keeps turning back to Pet Cemetery. Now, if you buried a body - it sorta worked. Does it sorta work with ash too?
Where was I? Right, so a year dying. A year dying. The last 6 months of it was the hardest. Its still killing me and I'm one foot away from crazy. Not the kind of crazy that I used to be - 6/7 years ago when I first started coming here - but crazy as in... I'm just losing it. I have two short ppl that live with me. They keep me alive. Sane. Rather I'm trying to STAY sane for them. har har har. I'm fighting the good fight for em, I guess. Each day I get out of bed for them, each day I try to smile for them, each day I fight the overwhelming need to cry, scream, and be depressed for them. I feel like I should be in AA. ONE DAY AT A TIME. LOL har har har. Its a struggle, but I manage. I've built us a bubble. A very nice bubble actually. We have all the latest gadgets and all sorts of fun things to do. But.
Anyways, I'm here trying to take a step out of my bubble. (please don't pop it!)
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I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe
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You've had a tough go of it and sometimes all you can do is survive.. you've done that and are still doing it. Hope the time to thrive is at hand for you. ~hugs~
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