One Step Back

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shallowdeep -> One Step Back (5/7/2010 11:49:43 PM)
You can travel back in time and give a yourself a single piece of advice at some moment in the past using a newly developed time machine. Unfortunately, the breakthrough device only works if the advice you give is at least tangentially related to your kinks… so don't bother memorizing last week's lottery numbers. Sorry. I know: It's a weird restriction, right? But don't blame me, I'm just in engineering – you'll have to hunt down a genuine physicist for an explanation of the laws governing the technology. My actual questions: What moment would you choose to go back to? What advice would you give your younger self? Why? This is partly lighthearted, but I do have a serious curiosity as to what things you wish you had known, what questions you wish you had asked, what hard lessons you wish you had avoided, or what reassurances you wish you had received as you explored your dominant side – so I will appreciate thoughtful answers at least as much as funny ones. Thank you in advance! P.S. While I do have my reasons for posting on this particular board, I certainly won't mind if subs offer their insights as well.

LadyPact -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 2:44:02 AM)
As odd as this might sound, I'd have gone back one week prior to when My husband and I had 'the talk' so I could pick Myself up a copy of "When Someone You Love Is Kinky". While things worked out pretty well for us, I think it could have gone a little smoother, with maybe a bit less turmoil. It would have helped Me a bit with terminology, phrasing, and expressing Myself. Having better answers prepared for his questions would have been an asset.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 3:47:03 AM)
The two major relationships of my life would have gone entirely different if I only knew then what I know now. My first bf was a lot older than I was, but he needed to be taken. Some of the needs he told me about were definitely kinky, but I didn't trust him enough to explore that with him. So instead, I had to deal with him accusing me of sleeping with every man I spoke with. Looking back on this, I believe his desire to be cuckolded was probably behind this. (He'd spent about 2 years trying to convince me to go to bed with his boss, while he watched from the closet.) Our relationship would have gone much better if I had taken the lead more and used a blindfold, restraints, and started getting him used to maintenance spankings. With the other man, the biggest love of my life...that day when we were in bed and he dug out the handcuffs...I wish I hadn't been so shocked that I told him to just put it on one wrist and not anchor it to anything. Honestly, I'd had no preparation for this at all. No physical preparation like having my wrists pinned down during sex or something. Now that I look back on it, there were some verbal clues, but...sometimes being subtle is just...too subtle, lol. What would have helped is a very mild, non-pornographic book on D/s and a teeny bit of kink thrown in. Something to make me feel like it wouldn't be too scary or...make me feel like trash. Back then I wouldn't give the time of day to any BDSM movie or book, because it looked to a vanilla like dangerous sicko porn. [:D] Having someone bring home some blue movie (first boyfriend did), or tossing down some book that didn't take things in baby steps would have turned me off. A movie like The Secretary or 9 1/2 weeks, or even Entrapment would have gotten the conversation ball rolling in the right direction. With the first lover, it would have been reassuring if he hadn't been accusing me all the time, if he had taken time to build up my trust, if his submission had been more than just physical. With the other man, if he had led me into kinky stuff in baby steps, I would have taken to it like a duck to water. Back then when I was vanilla, I thought it was my job to be submissive in a relationship. It was hard, waiting to be led...with men who seemed to have no clue about taking control and LEADING, lol. Many times I wished I could lead, but at the same time I felt that those feelings were against nature and somehow wrong.

Phoenix73Sir -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 4:45:13 AM)
The single thing i would tell myself is not to repress my Dom instincts for the sake of a going nowhere relationship. I spent many years miserable with having to be something I wasn't just to keep my family together.

LadyAngelika -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 9:57:21 AM)
I really don't have regrets. Sure, not all my decisions have been stellar but also, having gone through what I've gone through makes me who I am today. And I like this person. I could say that I would have liked going back about 15-20 years ago and have had positive images of Domme women other than the image of cold bitch dominatrix as it might have been easier for me to discover my true self. However, the path that brought me here has taught me a lot of lessons that I might not have learned had I discovered myself easily. Bottom line, I wouldn't change a thing! - LA

JhonDean -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 11:29:50 AM)
quote: really don't have regrets. Sure, not all my decisions have been stellar but also, having gone through what I've gone through makes me who I am today. And I like this person. I could say that I would have liked going back about 15-20 years ago and have had positive images of Domme women other than the image of cold bitch dominatrix as it might have been easier for me to discover my true self. However, the path that brought me here has taught me a lot of lessons that I might not have learned had I discovered myself easily Does ones quest for the identifying and improving of self ever end? Was there a time where within life’s journey it was preparatory? Are we not the sum total of how we dealt with life’s lesions, learned from them and responded to them?

LaTigresse -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 1:05:47 PM)
This isn't an easy question to answer. I love my life now. I am embracing what I have for what it is 100%. Yet, six years ago I had a completely vision of where my life was going. At that time, I was in a relationship with a woman that was just exploring her submissive nature and I was just exploring my dominance. A lot of mistakes were made. A lot of pain caused. I didn't understand her point of view, what a submissive woman needs and wants. I didn't understand her fears or she, mine. There was a lot of horrible communication and too little productive. Part of me would like to go back to that time, knowing what I know now. Yet...not at the expense of some of the things in my life now, I am not sure would exist had I taken a different path. I would give a lot to have her in my life now, but not at the expense of the people already here. It's a hypothetical catch 22.

DMFParadox -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 3:49:56 PM)
Related to my kinks? That is some weird science right there. Hm... 'Have courage. You really are invincible enough to do it.'

UniqueRaven -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 3:57:07 PM)
(Not a mistress, but since you said it's ok for subs to post [:)]) Advice i'd give my younger self related to my kink? "Don't marry that vanilla man in an attempt to hide your instinctive needs. It's ok to trust what you know is your true self."

shallowdeep -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 6:42:21 PM)
Thanks for all the responses. A batch of comments: quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse This isn't an easy question to answer. I think in attempting to make my question (overly) clever I framed things in a way that forces a choice I didn't really intend. As both you and Lady Angelika point out, the paths we take shape our lives and identities; even the more challenging stretches aren't necessarily things we would want to take back. Especially as there are no guarantees when altering the past. Watching out for butterflies with every step could get tedious… Maybe I should have asked something more like, "What situation/event/mindset/etc. has been most challenging for you and, if you had a friend similar to you experience it, what advice would you give them?" quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Part of me would like to go back to that time, knowing what I know now. If it's not too personal, would you mind elaborating some on what you know now that you feel would have been most helpful six years ago? quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I could say that I would have liked going back about 15-20 years ago and have had positive images of Domme women other than the image of cold bitch dominatrix as it might have been easier for me to discover my true self. If you don't mind answering, how did the unappealing image of the stereotypical dominatrix affect the path of discovery you took? What aspects of it gave you the most trouble? quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Having better answers prepared for his questions would have been an asset. Standard caveat about not wanting to pry, but do any specific questions stand out in your recollections as ones you would have liked to have had better answers for? Thank you for the thoughtful response, Cynthia Marie. quote: ORIGNAL: DMFParadox Related to my kinks? That is some weird science right there. Time travel is perfectly normal though, right? What can I say, it's not like I made the rules. :) quote: ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven (Not a mistress, but since you said it's ok for subs to post [:)]) Thanks for the contribution!

LadyPact -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 8:43:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shallowdeep Thanks for all the responses. A batch of comments: quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Having better answers prepared for his questions would have been an asset. quote: Standard caveat about not wanting to pry, but do any specific questions stand out in your recollections as ones you would have liked to have had better answers for? Basically, anything that I had to give an answer of "I don't know". LOL. On a bit more serious note, I hadn't really talked much with him about My prior experience with BDSM. (I actually identified more then in protocol than I did in sadism.) Since I really associated that time in My life as being related to one particular person, I viewed it very much the same as the 'no necessity to discuss prior relationships in depth' type of rule. Since My husband isn't submissive at all, one question that really baffled Me at the time was how were we going to make all of this work. I really didn't have a clue, and at that time, I didn't really have a good example to go by. Any people I knew that were more than a couple were one Dominant/M-type with more than one submissive or there was a switch in the equation somewhere. That was the only kind of poly that I knew, so I didn't really have an answer for that from any practical experience. Another reason that I feel it would have been beneficial to have some research material available for him also goes back to My own thoughts on that I am not always the most articulate person on the planet. I wasn't especially sure if I was doing that good of a job explaining to him what I wanted to convey. Of course, I suppose that isn't something that is entirely possible in the duration of one talk.

littlesarbonn -> RE: One Step Back (5/8/2010 9:24:54 PM)
A couple of years back, I had the perfect girlfriend. She was new to bdsm, all excited about it, and wanting to do it all with me. For reasons that I still don't even realize to this day, I totally blew that relationship because I kept thinking to myself, "this is too good to be true". If I had that time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to just turn off the questioning thing in my head and just enjoy it. I'd still be in that relationship right now, possibly married and happy for life. I have been kicking myself for nearly a decade now ever since I derailed that one. That was pretty much my last real relationship because I don't think I've trusted myself with another one since, or just don't feel I deserve to ever try again as I had it all and didn't know what to do with it when I had it.

LadyAngelika -> RE: One Step Back (5/9/2010 7:53:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JhonDean quote: really don't have regrets. Sure, not all my decisions have been stellar but also, having gone through what I've gone through makes me who I am today. And I like this person. I could say that I would have liked going back about 15-20 years ago and have had positive images of Domme women other than the image of cold bitch dominatrix as it might have been easier for me to discover my true self. However, the path that brought me here has taught me a lot of lessons that I might not have learned had I discovered myself easily Does ones quest for the identifying and improving of self ever end? I most certainly hope not! ;-) quote: Was there a time where within life’s journey it was preparatory? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Would you mind clarifying? quote: Are we not the sum total of how we dealt with life’s lesions, learned from them and responded to them? I think the key point here "how we've dealt with". The strength we gain is in how we deal with things, absolutely. - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: One Step Back (5/9/2010 7:56:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn A couple of years back, I had the perfect girlfriend. She was new to bdsm, all excited about it, and wanting to do it all with me. For reasons that I still don't even realize to this day, I totally blew that relationship because I kept thinking to myself, "this is too good to be true". If I had that time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to just turn off the questioning thing in my head and just enjoy it. I'd still be in that relationship right now, possibly married and happy for life. I have been kicking myself for nearly a decade now ever since I derailed that one. That was pretty much my last real relationship because I don't think I've trusted myself with another one since, or just don't feel I deserve to ever try again as I had it all and didn't know what to do with it when I had it. littlesarbonn, the only thing I wish for you is that one day you forgive yourself, heal and are able to move on. We all make mistakes and once we realise that and we are ready to accept our humanity, we all deserve to be happy. When I feel like I've failed at something, one of the quotes that inspire me is the following: I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan - LA

SlaveSubtoserve -> RE: One Step Back (5/15/2010 3:17:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn A couple of years back, I had the perfect girlfriend. She was new to bdsm, all excited about it, and wanting to do it all with me. For reasons that I still don't even realize to this day, I totally blew that relationship because I kept thinking to myself, "this is too good to be true". If I had that time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to just turn off the questioning thing in my head and just enjoy it. I'd still be in that relationship right now, possibly married and happy for life. I have been kicking myself for nearly a decade now ever since I derailed that one. That was pretty much my last real relationship because I don't think I've trusted myself with another one since, or just don't feel I deserve to ever try again as I had it all and didn't know what to do with it when I had it. I was lucky enough to have had two similar relationships in my past and left them and for a while felt similarly.....then i realized while she/they were Miss right-BDSM for me she/they were not the match in other ways ......one in particular was what it sounds like you had also....completely turned on by my intro of it all to her etc. so much so that i had to slow her down! or she would have killed me metaphorically ...but it turns out that though she wanted to be my Domme as i got to know her better, it just was not in me to be her sub so .........maybe that happened under the surface here with you also and in that case it wasn't mean to be possibly so....think with men this sometimes gets shuffled aside in the excitement of BDSM in that just because both want to play do you as a man really want to submit to her over the long run????.....

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