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Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:31:08 AM

DevilWolf100

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/20/2010
Status: offline

Hey E/everyone,

Right im new to the lifestyle im a Dominant male with absolutly no experience, So you might think how do you know your a Dom because all the thoughts in my mind i dont know how it works but i feel it, any way ive never had a sub never been to a munch or a fetish club. Im 6'3 but get nervouse at meeting new people lol. I dont really like all the mad fetish wear for men dont think i would look good in it but think you have to wear this in the clubs, dont get any replys on here so what im asking is what should i do to meet people? This is doing my head in as i want to get started its lall i think about 24/7 lol i know not any experience is not a good thing but we got to start somewhere right?

Post #: 1

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:39:43 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

Put on a suit and go to a munch.

Or else pray and ask the Divine to arrange for you to meet a slave or sub.

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 2

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:40:12 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

As far as clothing goes, call the club you propose to go to and ask what their dress code is.

Meeting people? Google BDSM and the name of your town and hopefully there will be a listing for a group meeting near you. Munches are gatherings of people into this held in public places like a food court in a mall. Don't wear fetish wear and don't talk loudly about sex. Just make friends.

Social anxiety is treatable if it's overwhelming. Otherwise just take a deep breath, paste a smile on your face and go up to people with your hand out saying "Hi I'm (insert name here)". And talk about how horrible the traffic was, how glad you are spring has finally come, and everything else people talk about when they meet strangers.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 3

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:42:48 AM

IKaiya

Posts: 12
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline

You can start with your profile, it's pretty empty.

But the best way to meet people is to go outside and meet people. You don't go to munches, why not? I understand getting nervouse, but really, you will have to get over that. Munches and workshops are great to meet new people (it's very unlikely that at your first munch somebody is going to bite you) Workshops are also great to learn the basics.

Have fun,
IKaiya

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 4

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:44:02 AM

DevilWolf100

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/20/2010
Status: offline

Thanks i just need to do and get myself out there, What if i dont meet subs or im not experienced enough how do i get experience then?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:52:31 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Take it one step at a time.

Find your local munch - in the UK they are all listed on the informed consent dot co dot uk website. The person who posted the munch notice is likely the organiser - drop them an email and ask to be met outside the munch, or meet them beforehand. It's a hell of a lot easier when you know people first! Also, they tend not to be pick up joints - just places for people on both sides of the kneel to chat about life, the universe, the weather and kink. All of the munches I've attended do not have 'protocols' - no 'subs here, doms there, and never the twain shall meet'. It's just a group of people having a chat and getting to know each other. Others may differ, but ask the organiser.

I've been to munches all over the UK, and the vast majority are nilla dress. I usually wear jeans and a shirt, or a skirt if I haven't done the laundry

Talk to people, make friends, ask about local fet clubs. Again, it's nice to go to a fet club with people rather than on your own.

Find the details of the fet club online and read the dress code. My local club asks for 'basic black' as a minimum, or fet wear. Many guys turn up wearing black pants, black shirt or something similar. Nothing fet really, just smart.

That's how I started on the local scene a couple of years ago, and it worked for me

Good luck!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 6

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:59:20 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DevilWolf100

Thanks i just need to do and get myself out there, What if i dont meet subs or im not experienced enough how do i get experience then?

Rather than jumping ahead 25 steps and assuming the worst will happen how about you take small steps as others have said.

1. Put on a black shirt and black pants
2. paste a smile to your face
3. Attend a munch and introduce yourself to others
4. keep smiling
5. Let people know you are new and wanting to learn

Rather than focusing on getting a sub asap, use this time to initially learn about yourself as a dom, find your own style and groove. Once you do you will then be ready to attract someone who fits in with you.

oh and find a photo of you that doesn't have your ex in it (I am guessing it is an ex or a friend) - that just screams tacky

Also, read the threads on the various forums here, there is lots of useful advice to people starting out.

ps. welcome to the forums and kink

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 7

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:00:30 AM

Steelslilbit

Posts: 130
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

First off, Hi DevilWolf. ^.^ Welcome to collarme and nice to have you in the bdsm world. ^.^

If you want to meet people in this lifestyle, it's really not that much different than meeting people in the vanilla world. You can meet people you've talked to online (collarme and fetlife are two of the sites I know of), you can watch the upcoming events board here or try other places to see about munches, dungeon scenes, and what not. What I wouldn't recommend doing is going to your local bar and asking some random woman if you can paddle her arse back at your place for a couple hours. ~insert evil grin here~ That usually doesn't go over so well, and you don't need to end up in jail because you freaked out some poor vanilla woman.

GENERALLY speaking (and yes, I all caped that for a reason) there are a lot of subs out there looking for someone to play with. Sometimes they are looking for a long term thing, and sometimes they are just looking for someone to do a scene with and move on. Sometimes just one scene turns into something more long term. Subs are out there, you just gotta watch for those who (like in the vanilla world) are just trying to take advantage of you. If I were in your shoes, I would stick to people from in my area and not try to relocate a sub to you. Not that there haven't been good outcomes, but for someone new I can see a lot more bad happening from that than good. Something else to keep in mind while you are looking, switches make good playmates too. ^.^

Never the less, no matter how you go about it, in order to get experience you have to get yourself out there. You might get your heart broken, but you might meet the person of your dreams. However, you'll never know if you don't try. Stick a toe in to test the water or jump in head first. The first step is always the hardest, fortunately you only have to take a the "first step" once. ^.^

_____________________________

i'll try anything once, twice if i like it.

If you wanna know you better ask, and if i don't want to answer i won't.

Offical Language: Caryn-ese
(Translator available upon request)

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 8

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:01:19 AM

DevilWolf100

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/20/2010
Status: offline

tHANKS THAT SOUNDS AWESOME BASIC BLACK THATS WHAT I NEED TO LOOK FOR, IVE NOT GOT ANYTHING AGAINST FETISH CLOTHES BUT IM JUST NOT INTO THEM, LOL BUT THANKS REALLY HELPFUL.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 9

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:02:47 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

As a kid, maybe in my very early teens, I used to hike a lot in the woods and, more often than not, masturbate in the privacy of the middle of the forest, thinking about the next sexy girl that walks by that wants to have sex with me.

Funny thing ... no sexy girls ever walked by ... (this wasn't a public park but just a few thousand acres of empty forest, probably privately owned but far from the roads)...

Point is ... you gotta get amongst people to meet people. Either advertise for 'em (e.g., Craigslist is great, muuuuch better than CM for hooking up with real people that are local, IMHO), or meet 'em (at a bar or nightclub or through friends, etc.), or just go to a munch and eat ... .by the fifth or tenth munch, if you don't have a handful of friends into the same thing, well then ... your real problem isn't meeting them, is it.

Good luck,
Pompeii

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 10

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:05:10 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Actually I have to disagree with your going to a munch first off and alone. Whatever you might be feeling with your discomfort could over ride most other things because you have most likely built up a lot of anxiety over it all. It sounds like you are feeling a bit obsessive about it all, with your thinking of it 24/7 and you want to just go out and do it and get started.

What is it that you want to do or get started? I'm not saying this to be harsh, just wanting you to stop and be realistic for a moment before you rush into a situation you may be very uncomfortable with simply because you are new, naive and nervous.

How about hanging around the boards, kind of picking up on a few things, getting comfortable and maybe meeting some people in your area that might go with you to a munch or meet with you in a situation you feel a bit more comfortable in? You know, ease yourself in where your social anxiety isn't challenged. Then take the bigger step of a munch or event. You might feel more comfortable going to an event because you can be a part of it without sitting in a room feeling as if people are examining you. Not that they would be, but you might feel that way. I know I am assuming a lot here, but because you mention your social anxiety, I thought it might be very uncomfortable for you. You do need to address that and will have to face it all, but that social anxiety isn't going to just go away because you will it away. It hasn't gone yet has it? So work with it to some degree. Get comfortable and then step out. I would think that with a friend you are comfortable with, you would feel more at ease going to something public.

You could fill out your profile and state that you are new and looking for friends to meet up with, go to events or munches with and wish to learn. Some of the things you list as interests you have as live for or love and you actually don't know if you love them, as you have never done them. You may love the idea of them. So why not put those things under curious about rather than a like or love which lead someone to believe that you have experienced them. I've found that the person who says that they have never done something and present as totally honest and realistic have a far better chance of someone being willing to kind of help along and mentor a bit. It might be nice to find another dominant that will kind of give you a heads up, might show you how a cane is used or whatever.

Build on your personal strengths before you step out and I think you will find it much easier to get out there and do whatever it is you wish to do. Just stepping out there might be a bit too much to expect considering what you are dealing with.

Good luck and have fun!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to IKaiya)

Post #: 11

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:05:31 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

BTW, a title of "HELP" says a lot about your social skills already ... so you may need a bit more help than we can provide ...

Still, I wish you the best of luck as we all dearly wish for someone to be our little slave girl willing to prostrate herself merely for the opportunity to worship our huge cocks ...

Come to think of it ... when I'm king-of-the-world, all females will have to follow my rules ... which entail just what you want ... but for me.

Welcome to the world of male:male competition (which is my main point to tell you about here). We all want what you want. It's ours to get out and get it.

Ciao,
Pompeii

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 12

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:09:52 AM

DevilWolf100

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/20/2010
Status: offline

Yeah thanks guys, you have all given some great advice, just need to get out there now and just start talking, thanks aprreciate it.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 13

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 11:17:17 AM

DevilWolf100

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/20/2010
Status: offline

Thanks lockit and pompeii, firstly great advice locket about getting to know people on the bords and asking them about things and also maybe ask another Dom to help me out but id be embarressed to do that, also just wanted to say my social skills are excellent , im a funny chilled out intelligent well a little and can talk to anyone about normal things but with this i know i wont know as much as everyone else and dont want to be talking out of my depth,

Pompeii bring the challenge I know i will succeed once i get the balls to get out there lol

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 14

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 12:04:09 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

Use a spellchecker. And I'm not just making fun of you here. When you're communicating with people through text (which is obviously the case here), you want to present yourself as well as possible. Because that's all people have to go on for a first impression.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to DevilWolf100)

Post #: 15

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 12:38:59 PM

violetchild

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline

Munches dont have to be scary. Many are held at coffee shops, plain clothes, sometimes over a meal where you just come and go as you please. Usually very informal. Munches can be a good place to ask questions and also look for a sub and meet both the scene newbies and experienced..

As the others said.. most play parties have a dress code where you can just wear black if you wish. Some play parties are Dom/sub affairs and dont take in single guys while others do.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 16

RE: Help!!! - 4/25/2010 10:53:24 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

If a munch is scary, then, um ... well, then a tete-e-tete with a submissive you've just met is gonna be petrifying ...

(in reply to violetchild)

Post #: 17

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