Damage done

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heartcream -> Damage done (3/12/2010 3:15:10 PM)
This is inspired by something domiguy said about there being a deeper level of loss, despair and the like here than elsewhere. I really have been thinking about that. Is it true that people who come here are more damaged than your average bear? I like that it seems like the field where if one had a freak flag they could fly it. I imagine this is a place of less social restrictions. I am wondering if the veils may come off more easily and naturally here so more is revealed, and that in fact a larger portion of our society is damaged than is represented and frequents here or in some of these ways?

beej -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 3:27:09 PM)
quote: I am wondering if the veils may come off more easily and naturally here so more is revealed i agree with this. i imagine deeper levels of expression (of despair or whatever) may also be a function this being an internet comm. especially with this being a comm that caters to certain extremes, maybe there is a kind of bottleneck glamor toward extravagant expressions of the usual emotions? so far, i find that most people espouse ordinary emotional ranges, maybe in more boisterous or contentious ways but i think that's just for kicks, and i find the normalcy comforting because there are card carrying crazies in my immediate family.

CarrieO -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 4:06:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream Is it true that people who come here are more damaged than your average bear? I don't know if there's more damaged people here but I do know there are people who are more open with their issues. I'm not sure the right word is damaged. Everyone has issues and baggage, some people carry more of it and for longer periods of time than others. quote: I am wondering if the veils may come off more easily and naturally here so more is revealed, and that in fact a larger portion of our society is damaged than is represented and frequents here or in some of these ways? I think the anonymity of online makes it easier for some people to open up. I've read more than a few posts full of private info I'd never consider sharing with a friend let alone a forum of online strangers. I've had a TMI moment or two myself here but I've learned the hard way it's better to keep my thoughts to myself. Seriously, though, look at the title of the board preview scroll at the top of the page... "As the Collar Turns"

kiwisub12 -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 4:09:13 PM)
Maybe it is something to do with the level of self exposure a dom sometimes requires of their subs. To ask for advice or comment, sometimes the subject requires more info than needed on a quilt site or dating site. Its not better or worse, it just is.

heartcream -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 4:20:59 PM)
I usta participate in other forums and the level of social restraint was more palpable to me there. Like Carrie O said, "...I think the anonymity of online makes it easier for some people to open up..." I am not sure how connected I personally am to the anonymity of being online has effected me, I havent experienced it that way. Perhaps I could create an alternate profile, could be a fun experiment.

popeye1250 -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 4:39:23 PM)
Heartcream, I've always liked the saying; "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I guess everyone is "damaged goods" to one extent or the other. It's called "life." Yeah! Go ahead and make an alter-ego profile that would be fun to read!

heartcream -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 4:51:44 PM)
Haha popeye, I just might!

SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 5:55:10 PM)
Not sure if it's that there are more "damaged" people here than other places. I am involved in other forums that have nothing to do with BDSM or sexuality in any way. Even in those completely vanilla forums people tend to be a little more expressive. Maybe it's the online nature of being anonymous that makes it easier for people to tell their deepest darkest secrets. It's far easier for some to talk about things from their past or what might be going on in their lives this way. Looking someone in the eye, or being looked in the eye, can make it far more difficult to for some people to discuss intimate things about themselves. Even in a professional therapy setting it can be difficult to discuss those things without there being a fear of judgment or rejection. So I think it's more the anonymity of the internet itself in general vs the fact that we're participating on a kink site. Just my .02

juliaoceania -> RE: Damage done (3/12/2010 7:40:33 PM)
Define "damaged" Once people get to a certain age most of us have a few dings in us... I mean life has a way of stratching, denting, and sometimes wrecking us... but a little Spackle and we are good to go... The longer one lives the more chance that they will have a divorce, lose their parents, sometimes lose a child, lose jobs, lose opportunities... etc etc etc... It isn't what happens to us in this life, it is what we choose to do with it that defines us... and I would hope I wouldn't define myself as "damaged"... "lived in" is the phrase I would prefer

KatyLied -> RE: Damage done (3/13/2010 2:47:58 AM)
I think we hear about it more and it seems to be validated. I am talking about the people who tend to look at the negative while seeming to ignore all of the good in their lives. I think the internet makes it easier for people to talk without filters and also makes the lines get blurred regarding what is appropriate in terms of response and support. Sometimes I read OPs and it feels as though I am in the middle of another's stream of consciousness. This can be uplifting, funny, sad, or just plain stupid.

juliaoceania -> RE: Damage done (3/13/2010 5:17:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I think we hear about it more and it seems to be validated. I am talking about the people who tend to look at the negative while seeming to ignore all of the good in their lives. I think the internet makes it easier for people to talk without filters and also makes the lines get blurred regarding what is appropriate in terms of response and support. Sometimes I read OPs and it feels as though I am in the middle of another's stream of consciousness. This can be uplifting, funny, sad, or just plain stupid. Do you think that those people are any different from any other people that inhabit any other board?

Termyn8or -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 1:49:53 AM)
FR I think we need to redefine damaged. What indeed is damaged ? OK start from the start, we are wrong if we engage in any sexual activity unless purely for the procreation of our race. That means homosexuals, most kinksters who use toys and who the hell knows who else ? So let's pick that argument apart in five milliseconds. OK, we are engaging in sexual acitivity that does not result in procreation which makes us "guilty" of something, as if we owe something. I was was taught that the world owes you nothing, so I thought it logical that therefore I didn't owe the world either, and that includes my progeny. And if these religious types want to up and say something, letum. I will not subject any more kin of mine to your world. That has been my opinion for at least two decades. I have lived by it and swear by it, and have basically lost my life over it as I have no heirs. Damage done ? You don't even know the start of it. T

allthatjaz -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 5:41:25 AM)
Sometimes I wonder about individuals on here and sometimes I wonder about individuals on other none BDSM sites but I would never get personal with people or try telling a bunch of people that there some sort of sick weirdos and I find it kind of odd that certain people who write to these boards use much stronger words of suggestion than loss and despair. Of course we see it on sites like this. People are more open but surely that's what keeps the boards moving and the interest levels up and that openness helps some people and makes others vulnerable to those on here that like to give a personal opinion on that persons insanity. I don't think there is any more loss or despair on here than anywhere else, in fact I think there is probably less. People are just more open about it and sometimes that openness gives us the opinion that too many of us are fucked up. The only people I see as fucked up on here are the ones that use these boards to insult and put down.

JonnieBoy -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 6:02:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream your average bear? There's a very un-average Bear prowls these woods, he adjusted my flag for me too [sm=evil.gif]. Pirate

LaTigresse -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 6:17:25 AM)
I think what defines this is our own filters of what crazy, wacko, fucked up, really is. I see crazy and wacko, in varying degrees, daily. I kinda like a little crazy and wacko myself. For me, my definition of really fucked up, is when the crazy wack stuff overwhelms a person's life. Causes them to be disfunctional. Unable to have positive and productive relationships, both personal and professional. There are even one or two that might fit into the sociopath sort of fucked up. Personally, I don't think it really matters big picture. I don't care how DG defines fucked up because what matters is how he defines it in accordance to who and how he relates to others in his personal life. It really has no bearing on how I define it and how it relates to my relationships. The reason being, we each have our own comfort level of dealing with crazy for varying reasons. I am bloody picky with who I allow into my inner circle because I am HUGELY protective of those already in it. I am also selfish in that, I do not want to deal with stupid melodrama. I am going to be a total uber bitch if I let someone in and they create unnecessary shit I have to deal with. It's not that I can't, it's that I do not want to. Because I don't want to, I tend to deal with it in a manner that creates big drama........for the trouble maker. So MY definition of wacko, crazy, fucked up, is based largely in part on the potential I determine they may have for creating fucked up shit in my life. Someone else's metre will likely be very different.

allthatjaz -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 7:39:07 AM)
The problem with online is, we are always going to come across people with unsolved baggage, people who are suffering mental illness and all the rest of it. If we met as many people in rl and got to know them properly then it would balance itself out. Sites like this are easy to open up for many. Look how many women tell us they have been raped, abused as kids or been in abusive marriages. They wouldn't normally tell a person this unless they knew them really well but on here its different. Its an uninterested party, a bunch of strangers that can vanish at the push of a button. I think laying yourself bare on the boards is risky business. You don't know what reaction you will receive because we are not a bunch of therapists. I often wonder how those people feel when they are blatantly told that they are fucked up. I wonder how those with real mental illness deal with being told they are mentally ill or losers. There are far more bitches and bullies online than there is mental illness, sadness or wretchedness. Those are the dysfunctional people. People do it because they can. In rl they will be cowards, they always are!

Missokyst -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 9:43:27 AM)
This: quote: ORIGINAL: popeye1250 Heartcream, I've always liked the saying; "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I guess everyone is "damaged goods" to one extent or the other. It's called "life." I do think everyone has some sort of damage and not all will end up enjoying BDSM. As for why it seems more apparent here, I suspect it is because facebook and myspace pages are too full of images and other people's comments for anyone to see the initial dialogue of angst. I don't mind spilling my guts as I find it cathartic. I guess that is why blogs, journals and socialy netwhining sites were created, so people can vent or crow.

alhamdullilah -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 10:36:13 AM)
I am of the unpopular opinion that the category we are all selecting by participating here does consist of more fd up experiences than you'd see on average. I believe that more people than we may realize have history that we might throw under the heading of "damage" and agree that in the real world, people, including myself are less likely to reveal it than from behind the monitor. But do experiences like abuse or molestation that we are taught are not normal* regardless of how common they are in this world lead us into a mindset or way of life that is considered not normal? I think they can and often do. It doesn't make "damage" the basis for kink of any kind. A person can be inclined toward a different lifestyle for other reasons, predominantly his or her predisposition to live outside the box, if you will. Another individual who has suffered the same kind of "damage" may be driven to endeavor a life that appears perfectly within the barriers of normalcy. But I do think the possibility exists that exposure to abnormal events in one's life can serve as the impetus behind engaging in a lifestyle that is considered abnormal. There are other factors, clearly, that will determine whether a person with a history of damage chooses to engage in this or another form of kinky expression, but CM does cover a fairly large territory in that respect, opening its doors then to a lot of interests and inclinations. Power exchange, however, can speak to a person's preferred level of vulnerability and vulnerability and control are key issues when one is abused. Yes, I think that kind of damage is more prevalent here but I do not think it need be a label on the forehead of every participant, as it won't have been the impetus for everyone. My mother was a dominating, intimidating force in my life. I didn't like her demeanor and didn't want to emulate it. Perhaps that's part of why I chose to embrace submission. On the other hand, maybe it's because I was abused. Maybe it's because I tend toward extremes in every aspect of my life... just wired that way. Who's to say? Just one take on things from a rather twisted perspective among a host of others. :) -llilah

LadyAngelika -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 11:28:49 AM)
quote: Maybe it's the online nature of being anonymous that makes it easier for people to tell their deepest darkest secrets. Not only maybe. Much research has proven this. One of my favorite ones is Life on the Screen, Identity in the Age of the Internet by Sherry Turkle, http://www.mit.edu/~sturkle/. There have been much since but I haven't been keep up with that stream of research in a while. - LA

TheHeretic -> RE: Damage done (3/14/2010 12:20:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream This is inspired by something domiguy said Well there is your first problem, right there. If Domiguy says something profound or inspirational, it's either completely by accident, or he is on his way to trying to get you to give up some one night stand buttsex. Are there a certain percentage of people with issues/baggage/damage here? Of course. We probably get a double dose because we have both those who come to the internet looking for social interaction and validation, PLUS we have those who are seeking to solve all their problems by finding the one magic thing that will take all their inner chaos away, in this case, the religion of WIITWD. There are plenty of "normal" people here as well.

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