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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 3:58:28 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: redwoodgirl
This arguing now is mostly me. There is so much to do and we cant afford a wedding planner.
I never realized how hard itd be to set this up and its freaking me out!
God what I wouldnt do for a secretary!


This may be the source of the trouble.

Weddings unfortunately become a high stakes Broadway show, where every detail MUST be perfect, because it is YOUR PERFECT DAY and is therefore the HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE and therefore if the napkins don't match the tablecloth or the cake has pudding filling instead of buttercream it will ALL BE RUINED AND YOUR LFE IS OVER!!!!!

It is normal under such circumstances to feel a terrible stress and anxiety- there are two families who each present demands and needs and requests, all of which must be handled like the Arab-Israeli peace accords, there are financial stresses from having to pay for something- who pays, how much- all of which can trigger fault lines of already stressful relationships (Mother won't pay for the added tier of the cake because she has always hated me and is trying to run my life!!!!)


My advice- let it go. Let go of whatever worries you have about the planning. If the cake is late, you will still be married to the man you will spend your life with.

If there is a snafu with the flowers and you get the spray that says "We Mourn Your Loss Uncle Herman" it will be a hilarious story that you will share with your children and grandchildren, as you sit with your husband of 50 years in 2060.

If the limo doesn't arrive and the entire wedding party has to walk from the church to the banquet hall, celebrate the fact that it will weed out the sick and the lame, and there will be extra helpings for the young and fit.

Let it go. The wedding is only a day, the marriage is a lifetime.


p.s. Kim and I are getting married in 4 weeks. We are planning the world's simplest wedding, in our backyard. We might have sandwiches, we aren't sure yet. We will not have a DJ, ice sculptures, a flock of doves, a hot air balloon, or limousine.
What we will have is a minister, a few close friends, and vows that we recite to each other, promising to love honor and cherish each other for the rest of our lives.
Thats all you need, really. Nothing else matters. It really, really doesn't.

Just
Let
It
Go

repeat as needed. Good luck.

(in reply to redwoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 4:00:38 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Great advice! And congrats to you and Kim. :-)

- LA


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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 4:09:48 PM   
redwoodgirl


Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you Animus,
from the bottom of my freaked out and panicked heart

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The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 4:13:17 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i have a saying about life:

"In life, you really ultimately only get 3 choices. You can choose to laugh, you can choose to cry, or you can choose to drink heavily."

And you can choose to do one, 2, or all 3 at a time - but ultimately these are the only choices you get, as you never *truly* have control over a situation.

So quit putting so much pressure on yourself and those you love already. Laugh, have some fun - it's supposed to be fun, right? i mean, why else have a wedding? The marriage will last a lifetime, the wedding is only one day - so enjoy it, even if (as AnimusRex points out) the flowers are the wrong color, or your Maid of Honor forgets her cue, your Uncle Bob gets too drunk, or the cat jumps on the cake.

But make your choice - laugh, cry, or drink heavily. i choose to laugh. (ok, and sometimes drink heavily while laughing, hee hee!) Life's much more fun that way.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to redwoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 6:27:24 PM   
redwoodgirl


Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		awsome words of wisdom Raven and I thank you.
There have been times when I notice ( actualy its happened to me twice myself)
that when the sh** gets tough, the popular advice is to hit the road. And thats kind of
not good advice in alot of situations. Not all obviously, but seriously, is it laziness
of just a lack of commitment that leads people to believe this is the best way to
deal with something?
Ive been with my honey for a long time, and I am in no way about to give up
without doing any and everything I can to make sure we are both happy and
together!
Thanks everyone for your time, obviously it means alot to hear from you CMers!!!

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 6:35:07 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds as if you are majorly stressed out. As others have said - simplify. Your wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your union, not a stress-out bitch fest. And really, how long does it take to choose flowers, book a church and hall and get a caterer. Have barbque and beer, cake and punch and laugh with his family.
You don't need to show off your sophistication and taste - you already showed that by marrying the fella. and you can guarantee that he won't remember what he ate within a fortnight.

Relax, drop some details and enjoy the day.

(in reply to redwoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 7:41:06 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Will he go to counseling with you??

Can you either get your maid of honor to step up, or get another one??

Can you simplify the planning some other way, like maybe downsizing the festivities somehow? If you eloped, or got married (unannounced) at the courthouse, you could still hold a reception, for example.

Can you just change the date, to give you more time?


I gave you the best practical advice that I could think of, coupled with a reality check. I hope it didn't come across as "run screaming away". I tried to give you the kind of feedback that I wish I'd have gotten. If you're not getting along well to begin with, being married won't help- and it could backfire. So often, couples think that getting married will cement their bond. But it can have the opposite effect.

I remember you as Domahpet, so I know you've been around these parts for a while, and I respect that. I just don't want to see you get hurt like I did, that's all.

*tips hat to the lovely redwoodgirl*

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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 7:42:30 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Many congratulations!

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Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 7:43:49 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Perhaps these signs, when taken together, reveal some information or give a sense that perhaps counseling or at the very least, a waiting period would be a good thing.  I would be hesitant to commit in marriage to a person who was rebellious and prone to physical anger (punching walls), maybe he is stepping back because he is not ready to take this step at this point in time.  Just something to consider.

_____________________________

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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 8:48:35 PM   
redwoodgirl


Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		We have an appointment with our reverand later this week.......
We're trying to come up with some sort of usefull game plean between now and then.
My maids of honor will be in town tomorrow and we're going to have a pow wow to
figure out how to get everything done with me doing less....

< Message edited by redwoodgirl -- 2/14/2010 8:54:27 PM >

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/14/2010 10:28:06 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Damn Domah Pet. Getting married. I just might have been a tad bit more eloquent if I knew it was you.

Why women get so worked up about a marriage is beyond me. They seem to forget that the day is theirs. And place so much import on the things that don't matter.

So many people have regrets about their wedding because they never had a chance to enjoy it. They spend the whole night stopping to take meaningless pictures, greeting friends and relatives they haven't seen in years and don't care about that they forget to have fun and enjoy a very special event that will only happen a few times in their lifetime...lol.

Should have read your tag line. Wooopsy daisy! My bad.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 5:11:06 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		In theory I get where you are coming from..... I'm currently trying to plan a wedding that's supposed to occur in October. However here are some of the realities for me:
1. I love this man with all my heart, body, mind, and soul.
2. The very last thing I want to do is to hurt Him or cause Him any kind of harm.
3. The purpose of this day (for me) is to express before God and the rest of the free world that I love this man and plan to spend the last of my living days with Him.
In keeping these things in mind, I've recently had to come to some pretty harsh realities... That are I'm not able to do everything on my own. So, practically speaking I had to ask for help. In doing so, I had to admit that I do not have time to call around and get prices of stuff due to working two jobs. Currently my mom and one of my friends are doing this for me. Apparently they like doing these things... It makes them feel involved. This morning I chose my colors...
I live by a very simple philosophy in my life which is: Did anybody die over it? If not then it's all good.

Remember you all are in this together.
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 8:25:49 AM   
redwoodgirl


Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		Awwww! thank you Domi, it means alot that you noticed its me

Kalista, your are pretty amazing, and Im actualy thinking about using a few in my vows,
if we survive the rest of this mess that is...
would I need to quote you?

< Message edited by redwoodgirl -- 2/15/2010 8:26:16 AM >

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 9:08:18 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Did any of you married types go thru this so close to your Big Day?
No.

quote:

Im hoping to hear what you did to get thru it, so that I can come up with some sort of game plan BEFORE we have to go see the reverand later this week.
Can't tell you what we did because we don't feel we did anything. Maybe that's not quite right, we did do everything we did with a focus on having fun. However, we did, and do, that every day. We can't tell you that we did anything different on that day or preparing for it. We did make a conscious effort of what not to do; and maybe that will help.

#1 We didn't 'settle' or compromise on anything we wanted. The rest of these are all equal and were always in consideration.

We didn't do anything our families wanted us to do.
We didn't do anything our friends wanted us to do.
We didn't do anything our kids wanted us to do.
We didn't do anything beth wanted to do.
We didn't do anything Merc wanted to do.

Everything, down to the last bit of confetti scattered on the tables around the pool; was exactly as WE wanted. We smiled, nodded, and thanked all sources of advice, solicited and UN; maybe giggled a bit at a few after they were gone (like the well meaning friend who offered to BBQ for us) and did exactly what felt right and served us. We wrote each and every word spoken in our ceremony. beth wisely kept it short and simple. The experienced showman that I am, I wrote out long prose to express my feelings and expected to draw tears from everyone but me - that day I learned the meaning of unrealistic expectations.

We had such a great time, planing, doing, and going through the 'formality' of marriage. What started as a pragmatic action for society and civil issues; ended up having much more meaning then either of us anticipated - especially me. I don't think that would have been possible if the attitude was; "let's get this OVER with!"

The short version is; focus upon and serve yourselves.

Best luck to you and your fiancée from both of us!

(in reply to redwoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:33:07 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Marriage sounds fun!

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



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RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:34:53 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have been married. I can't recommend it.

At leaast, not to Me.


Jeff

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:37:56 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Well yeah, you wanna find the right person so it is fun not hellacious.

Edited as always for content not spelling.

< Message edited by heartcream -- 2/15/2010 12:38:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:39:24 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I am not entirely sure the "right" person would change who I am.


spooky/cool new pic HC......

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:44:46 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		I like this picture too, it is a stand of Oak trees (over 100) close to where I live and I would take my dog there for a good ol time running around and soaking up Oak tree vibes making me feel all Druid. I loved it.

The thing though that is pretty disturbing is when I see the avatar I keep seeing the picture of the guy with a pen in his butt, doesnt it look like that?

Jeff, perhaps with the right person the best part of it would be that by and large, there would be no need for you to change a thing about you.

I edited that last post to add that edit, hahahahahlalalalalhahahahalalalalha.


< Message edited by heartcream -- 2/15/2010 12:48:24 PM >

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? - 2/15/2010 12:49:11 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		You have ruined your picture......... YAY!


Thanks........ domi can have you!


Love

Jeff

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to heartcream)
Profile   Post #: 40
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