Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (Full Version)

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redwoodgirl -> Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:24:33 PM)

Ok, I fully realize that Im gonna get some replies from the less then helpfull posters
but here goes anyway...


As a few of you know, Im getting married in a couple if months. Everything is planned and paid for in full.
Everyone in both familes are so excited. But we cannot stop arguing lately. Agruing visciously! To the point
that Ive slept here at the house alone for the past two nights.
I do not have cold feet, not in anyway. He is off doing some thinking and thats ok. But why in the name of all things holy
are we suddenly at each others throats so much?
Did any of you married types go thru this so close to your Big Day? Im hoping to hear what you did to get thru it,
so that I can come up with some sort of game plan BEFORE we have to go see the reverand later this week.

Thanks all



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:27:49 PM)

It could be just plain old stress. TRy to find a time to sit down and talk about things when the pressure is off, or less off, and see what some good *hopefully*communication can do.



AquaticSub -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:33:59 PM)

Oh yes.

Valyraen and I fought right before the wedding. Mostly it was me freaking out about things that he didn't see as important. My advice for a game plan? Never go to sleep angry. Even if you can't come to an agreement, both of you remember that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you are going to go through more stressful periods in your life.

So I'd say sit down and talk about it. Consider this like a preview for when the kids have wrecked the car, family members are pulling at your nerves and life hands you crap on a silver platter. Figure out how you want to handle disagreements as a couple so that, even if you have to put the issue aside for the moment, you can go to sleep nestled next to each other and with a smile on your face.

Also... sex helps. That isn't scarasm. Sex really did help. We both felt a lot saner, calmer and more "ok, let's just work this out peaceably" after a good screw. [:)]



rockspider -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:34:16 PM)

Well if you have doubts now, call it of. Problems don't get solved by getting married. As a matter of fact they only multiply later. But make an asset and debit sheet. It is a piece of paper listing the reason why you should get married and the reasons not. Lots of times it help seeing it written down. What ever happens, good luck from somebody with two divorces behind him.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:37:44 PM)

I have absolutly NO doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know how loyal he is
and how amazing his family is. Tho I dont know today at this point if he still feels the same.
He is asking for time to think, and I am gently giving it to him, while letting him know that I am right around
the corner for anything he may need. A little while ago I brought him some pasta sauce for dinner ( his fav).



AquaticSub -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:39:30 PM)

That really sucks. I'm sure you already know this but don't rush in. Let him think and let him decide. Things may not work out the way you want but they will work out for the best.

Best of luck to you.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:43:33 PM)

Never go to sleep angry. Even if you can't come to an agreement, both of you remember that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

This is the advice his parents gave me [:D]



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:44:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwoodgirl

But we cannot stop arguing lately. Agruing visciously! To the point
that Ive slept here at the house alone for the past two nights.




This does not bode well, for your impending marriage, obviously. I did go through something similar and it led to a disastrous marriage.

The damage done is not easy to get over, either- it tends to follow you into the future. In fact, that may be part of what you're dealing with right now. One or both of you may be subconsciously projecting past partners' faults onto each other, when they may have little to do with the current partnership.

Don't pay for his exes' mistakes, and don't make him pay for you exes' mistakes. If you're in that position, take yourself out of it. Marrying will put you even more in position to perpetrate this kind of behavior on one another. Distance is needed until you can sort this out, IMHO.


I would definitely go to the clergy, or whoever else he will go see with you. And if it were me, I'd put off the wedding. It won't draw you nearer to one another.


(edited to fix my last sentence)



LadyAngelika -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:46:35 PM)

Is this the same "rebellious boy" you were referring to here a month ago?
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3000716/mpage_1/tm.htm

Seems to me that there are still a lot of issues that are not worked out. I won't tell people what to do, but I would not be marrying someone with whom there were these many issues. I would try to work on the relationship first.

If you do decide to go through with this, you need to start couples counselling now in my opinion.

If you believe you should not to move foward with the wedding ceremony, don't feel guilted in by the money. Most things you can usually get credit back for. And in the end, what is most important to you, the money or your happiness / sanity / life?

- LA



DommeyProfile -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:51:32 PM)

LadyA, you beat me to it - I posted the same link. I agree that this marriage should not take place anytime in the near future.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 2:55:58 PM)

No no, that was all dealt with and resolved peacfully.
This arguing now is mostly me. There is so much to do and we cant afford a wedding planner.
I never realized how hard itd be to set this up and its freaking me out!
God what I wouldnt do for a secretary!



domiguy -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:02:30 PM)

He wants to think about it? Of course he does. You are forty he is twenty five. He should think about it. It' not a huge age difference but it is enough to approach with some serious caution. In time, regardless of his present decision, he will leave.

However if I was forty and banging some twenty five year old gal. She would stay with me forever.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:03:11 PM)

That's why I went to the courthouse, for mine.

$175 for the license, one witness, clothes that we already had on hand. Simple and sweet.

Its not the wedding that's important, but the marriage. Focus on your partnership, and planning for that- not on one day in your lives.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:03:16 PM)

LOL Domi.
I gots me some mad skills too dont you worry ;)



DommeyProfile -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:06:08 PM)

In that case, either scale things down, or get help from friends, family and your boyfriend, or do both. I was like this before I got married. Everyone told me it was just nerves. It wasn't. I knew deep down it was a mistake. Unfortunately I listened to them and not my inner feelings. YMMV. Good luck.



domiguy -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:09:28 PM)

In all seriousness, I would be really hesitant about someone that is showing some serious doubt sixty days before the event.

I would take it as a very bad sign...It also depends on how long you have been engaged? If it has been around a year then it is serious. if you just got engaged then it might be the lull after the initial rush.




redwoodgirl -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:16:02 PM)

LOL no, we've been engaged for months now.
My issue is getting the wedding together, not anything else,
and Im taking it out on him and anyone else that gets too close.
My maid of honor has never been married and is pretty much useless,
and my mother is too far away to be of any help at all.

So what Im looking for is ways to get things done and chill the fuk out.
I hope Im being clear, Im trying!



LadyAngelika -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:31:27 PM)

Well I hope things do work out for you.

quote:

My maid of honor has never been married and is pretty much useless,


That's not an excuse. I've never been married and was a maid of honour twice. Give her a list of things to do to help you. As a maid of honour, that is her job.

- LA



domiguy -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:38:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwoodgirl

LOL no, we've been engaged for months now.
My issue is getting the wedding together, not anything else,
and Im taking it out on him and anyone else that gets too close.
My maid of honor has never been married and is pretty much useless,
and my mother is too far away to be of any help at all.

So what Im looking for is ways to get things done and chill the fuk out.
I hope Im being clear, Im trying!


Then why does he need time to think? Trust me, a guy just shows up to get married. He doesn't give two squirts about all of the other frilly shit. Have you thought about getting married in a sport's bar?

If he needs time to think it is not because he is overly concerned about the cake, decorations or what your brides maids are wearing. If I require time to think about something that is bugging me before my marriage...The thing that is bugging me, nine out of ten times, is going to be my supposed future wife.



AquaticSub -> RE: Its not cold feet, but wtf is it really? (2/14/2010 3:44:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Well I hope things do work out for you.

quote:

My maid of honor has never been married and is pretty much useless,


That's not an excuse. I've never been married and was a maid of honour twice. Give her a list of things to do to help you. As a maid of honour, that is her job.

- LA



Seconded. My maid of honor had never been married nor been in a wedding before and I couldn't have dreamed up a more helpful person. She was honestly honored to have been asked and I was incredily touched by how far she went for me because she genuinely wanted me to have a wonderful wedding experience. She was even in school at the time for theatre studies and those familiar with the theatre know how time demanding that is.

If the issue is the wedding itself than yeah, you need to either A) downsize the wedding to something you can manage with less stress or B) get your friends and family to step up and help reduce the stress.

Our wedding was fairly small but I couldn't have done it without the friends and family who, so many times, never even had to be asked to help.



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