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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/9/2010 9:50:12 PM

GYPSYMAMBO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

This is a really general question that can cover most any kind of situation. From the submissive position, what are some good ways to respectfully address getting something important taken care of?

,(or how would you want it communicated to you)?
lovingpet

OP:
If I have things I have not attended to ..lets say left the car insurance go...or bills unpaid..or maybe did not address a family issue yet that needs to be..
and my submissive SEES that all hell is oging ot break loose as you say..
then I would hope he could come ot me...

I TEACH I messages...

I feel..............................when..............because I.............................

"Mistress I am concerned....when I see that the insurance is not paid..because then I worry that we will be stopped in the car and a fine will need to be paid.."

AS well I am not so pridefull as to not understand constructive help..
After all if I cannot attend ot my OWN life how can I be responsible or own another..??

GM

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 12:09:38 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

Say nothing. Use post-it notes attached to every surface in the home with an appropriate reminder ("The divorce papers must be signed."). Feign ignorance as to how they got there. Pretend you can't even see them.

Now that was actually funny. I like your sarcastic humour when you don't have a potty mouth ;-)

- LA

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 4:58:57 AM

DesFIP

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Like Holly, I don't have to use a respectful sub voice that leaches all the importance out of it. Because there is no way to confront someone when at the same time you are using nonconfrontational words.

In a case like this I would state simply "You promised me you would do this so I could move to you feeling comfortable in your ability to handle the move. You haven't done what you promised and I'm beginning to doubt the wisdom of giving you that much control when you apparently cannot handle it. This is that important to me and I'm drawing a line in the sand about it."

Now if it isn't something you are willing to stand your ground on, then accept it not going to happen. But if it is, you cannot use "respectfully" "if you please, Sir" and the rest of the stuff which removes the ability to insist and his ability to hear your insistence. This is one of the reasons why we don't use that kind of speech restriction because it will wind up preventing him from knowing what's really important to me and make me feel marginalized and rejected.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 5:27:32 AM

agirl

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It never happens, basically.

I'm the scatty one , the one that procrastinates, that gets chased up, that gets reminded (or threatened.....lol)

I don't assume any responsibility at ALL for things that are under his control.....none whatsoever. I don't remind, cajole or get stressed about anything that he's in charge of. In fact , quite the opposite.

If he has something that needs to be done, he does it. If he's leaving undone things that are incredibly important, then I wouldn't trust him running my life, for sure. If he's doing things in his own time, at his own pace then it's none of my business. If he was seriously forgetful or slack about things that are vital..........I wouldn't have asked him to own me.

I have peace of mind because I can rely on him implicitly...... that's part of his job, being reliable. If I can run my life better than he can then what do I need him for?

If he's not doing something in the timescale that suits me, then too bad. Nothing that's important to me is unimportant to him but that doesn't mean that he wants me fussing about how and when.

Do you really think he's going to be so slack that constant reminders will have no impact on his actions? Does he really require that amount of supervision?

agirl

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 8:59:16 AM

kyraofMists

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Who thinks it is important? The submissive or the dominant? In our relationship, Alandra and I do not get to determine what is significant or what is not. We don't set his priorities; he does. When he lets us know something important is coming up that he has to do we can ask him if he wants us to help him remember. If he does, then we will remind him of it. However, if it is something important to him, then he takes care of it without prompting from us. Like agirl, I wouldn't be with him otherwise.

As far as legal and financial, it was important for him to set things up in such a way that he does not have to be the one to do the work. We all have access to the bank account. We are all legal owners of the vehicles. As his wife, Alandra is able to take care of the few things that I can't, so we don't have the entire workload for these things on one person's shoulders.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 9:05:05 AM

lucylucy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

This is a really general question that can cover most any kind of situation. From the submissive position, what are some good ways to respectfully address getting something important taken care of? Let's say it isn't something that he/she can't take care for the dominant or for him/herself. The dominant HAS to be the one to do it. Gentle reminders have come and gone. Paniced statements of what needs to be done, by when, why, and the fact that the submissive is getting very stressed have yielded nothing. The clock is ticking. Time is running out. There has to be something better than, "Excuse me please Sir/Maam, but would you kindly get off your lazy behind and take care of this before all hell breaks loose? I am about to strangle you in your sleep if you don't. Thanks!".

I will usually say something to him like, "I'm getting a little stressed out about XYZ. Is there anything I can do to help you meet this deadline?" It sounds like you might have already used this technique, though, and it didn't work. As difficult as it may be, perhaps the healthiest thing for you to do is to surrender to the fact that he knows what needs to be done, he knows you are upset that it hasn't been done, and he will get to it when he's good and ready. You can't control his timeframe.

Meditation might help, too.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 9:14:45 AM

osf

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my answer stems from pragmatism if the relationship is going to work and he is going to get from her the things that are due him by virtue of his authority given to him by the relationship, then he too has the serve the relationship and make her role easier to carry out

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 9:18:20 AM

Missokyst

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I talked to my mate many times about getting something done that was a continual thorn in his side. I asked. I reminded. And finally I removed myself from the equation. It was not my job to make him do things. It was not my job to aid in the process. I could only be there as a companion until I finally came to the conclusion that the best thing I could do was step back and let him handle it.

I have never learned to be pushy when it comes to men. I wish I knew of a way to make things happen because nagging has never been an option.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 9:38:06 AM

LaTigresse

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Using fast reply......

A lot of people procrastinate for a variety of reasons. Hell I am a pro at it..........doing it right now. I live my life procrastinating things. There is a list of "I should...."s a bazillion miles long, running in my brain. Most are only important to me. Some are more important to other people than they are to me.

I like to think that my 'should do' list is prioritized and I will almost always do the most important things first. Being human, that will not always be the case. When that happens, I will inevitably pay the consequences for it. Some of those consequences are as trivial as maybe my favourite socks still being downstairs when I want to wear them, rather than in the drawer. Other consequences might be something like a late fee on a bill paid past it's due date. An annoyance but not the end of the world. Another might be, a grumpy phone call from my daughter tomorrow because I didn't burn the CD she wanted to pick up. Then there might be something that would cause someone to lose their trust in me.......a high price indeed.

I usually welcome someone reminding me, on the rare ocassion I need it. However, if there is a reason I do not want to deal with something, whatever that reason is, and someone continues to nag me about it, there is a chance I will rip them a new one. I fucking KNOW it needs to be done but obviously, there is a reason I am not doing it. It is MY 'I should' list and ultimately I am responsible for doing, and the consequences of not doing.

If someone has placed themself in my care, they have done so because they felt they could trust me. There are two sides to that, they need to have gotten to know me, all of me, BEFORE taking that step. Part of the learning and communicating I feel is so important prior to jumping into a power exchange relationship. They accepted, not only my strengths, but also my weaknesses and the consequences of both. My end of that is to be the woman I showed her, that caused her to trust me.

So, considering the above, if she knew me in the way she should have before wanting to belong to me, she accepts all.........or shouldn't belong to me. If I am not the person she felt she knew, she has two choices, accept and serve, or walk away.

It goes back to a lightbulb moment by something KoM wrote once. I won't word it correctly but the concept is that, people do not let us down, our expectations of them do.

The OP has an expectation that this guy should and will do something. Either the expectation is flawed, or the guy is not living up to a promise he made. In the end, he is responsible both for what he should do and the consequences of not doing it. Even if that means alienating those that have expectations of him. All she can do is express, honestly, her feelings about the expectation and possible consequences. The rest really is up to him.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 10:06:05 AM

mstrslve4fun

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

My first question in why in general can it only be done by the Dom in question...

If its because of "place" my personal view if its THAT important, its better to ask forgiveness then permission.

If its because of something physical, like say the washer has to be moved becasue of repairs and you yourself cant do it, hire a kid on the block to do it.

If its been reminded and times running out, then to me its obvious its not a matter of importance to my owner, and if its High importance to me but not to them then ill to my best to get it done, wither or not it pisses him off.

There are times when i just can't handle it myself. Here's an example.

He had a credit card in His name only and He closed it. He wanted me to call and get the balance so it could be paid off.

i called, and they wouldn't give me any information because my name wasn't on the account. So He had to call. He didn't like it, but there was no way around it.

Also, some legal issues He has to handle that i can't do.

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 11:38:36 AM

lovingpet

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Thanks for all the responses!

I do need to make a point of clarification again. This is NOT an issue I am dealing with in relation to my partner or our upcoming move. Timelines are getting short, however, and I may see some things that need quicker attention than he may realize or otherwise just notice something he has overlooked. As much as we are in an unequal power dynamic, we are also a team and look out for each other. If I couldn't trust him to take care of important matters, I wouldn't be uprooting us to move into a household with him. I prefer to get some insight BEFORE I have a problem on my plate. I mentioned earlier that I will likely not actually have to deal with a situation like this. Just as I would plan out the packing process and such so I have all my materials and equipment ready, I like to be prepared and a step ahead than coming up short and having to scramble.

I hear a lot of people stating a lot of different things. Some dominants want to be reminded and even knocked in the head a little if needed. Others require decorum no matter what, though bringing things like this to their attention is perfectly acceptable. In some other cases, those responsibilities the dominant has undertaken in the relationship are not to be dabbled in or interfered with by the submissive for any reason. I know my partner well and I do have some idea where he falls along the spectrum. Working within those expectations is what I have to work on to figure out.

Most of us hope to never really be in such a situation. Many of us, like myself, have been careful in selecting a partner that we can trust to handle important matters in a timely, prioritized, and appropriate manner. That is part of the equation. Choosing the right partner is vital. The rest is a matter of learning how that person ticks and approaching things in the best manner possible. Compatiblity is in the mix there too. Working through confrontation and conflict requires taking those basic relationship skills and learning to use them at a more advanced level. They are called people SKILLS for a reason.

lovingpet

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 11:38:36 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

my answer stems from pragmatism if the relationship is going to work and he is going to get from her the things that are due him by virtue of his authority given to him by the relationship, then he too has the serve the relationship and make her role easier to carry out

What could be easier than leaving the things that are his responsibility TO him?

agirl

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/10/2010 1:54:24 PM

sblady

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What a timely discussion!!

Sir requires direct communication, which I found out the hard way. I have always been rather outspoken and for the most part, dominant in past relationships (out of necessity). I'm also fairly dominant at work. As this is my first D/s relationship, I struggle to communicate my needs as I don't want to appear disrespectful. By doing this, I've caused myself plenty of unnecessary heartache from misunderstanding and making assumptions. I readily admit to having poor communication skills and have been working on that. There have also been times when I fall into old patterns of "retreat" or being passive aggressive if important things aren't handled. This is not the proper way nor is it the best way to express yourself. I've only had one real "issue" from doing this, however, it was a lesson well learned.

So, to answer your question; direct and respectful communication....though it isn't always easy.

< Message edited by sblady -- 1/10/2010 2:06:48 PM >

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RE: Getting the Job Done - 1/14/2010 6:14:55 PM

masterlink65

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man this reminds me of dropping wood on my toe while stacking it as a youngster. the blood under the nail hurt like hell. the anxious gut turning feeling in my stomach, knowing i need to go into the garage and find the smallest drill bit i could find. but the fucking relief i felt once the blood came out.

i like my slave to get right to the point. choose words with care prior and plan your advance. be confident, be strong, at the same time know who is in charge and speak accordingly.

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