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some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:28:59 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i have been in a relationship for 3 years, and i suppose it would be classified as "vanilla".

we dip into BDSM during sex, but nothing heavy.

we a pretty much evenly-yoked; there arent any dominant/submissive roles.

i have been in the D/s community since i discovered my sexuality at age 14 or so(now 20). my partner has expressed intrest in certain aspects, but he never took it on as a lifestyle like i have.

about a year ago, i made the choice of becoming a ProDomme.

Don't mistake me for those claiming to be in this profession, and has the "fuck you, pay me- i only want you for your money" mentality. Anybody who deals personally with me can vouche for that.

Anyway, since i have a steady and fulfilling income, my boyfriend benifits from it. The interaction between my subs and i NEVER crosses physical/sexual/emotional boundaries that were discussed by me AND my partner in explicit lengths- and i had NEVER heard him complain, until now.

my subs crave my attention, and since my relationship is very honest, i told him that.

he told me it was weird and that it bothered him.

now, in my day-to-day life, i get hit on CONSTANTLY. he doesn't have a problem with, and most times finds it hilarious.

but isnt that the SAME THING? when somebody flirts with you, do they not want your attention?

so ending the night with NO solution to this after 3 hours of discussion, which pissed me off to say the least.

so has ANYBODY gone through this situation or something similar?

i'm open to any and all advice and input!!!!

Post #: 1

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:34:23 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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No to me its not the same...How can being "hit on" by strangers you have no relationship with, be the same? i guess i'm lost.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 2

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:36:48 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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I'm lost. Your clients (probably better to call them that rather than subs to your bf) are paying you money FOR your attention, right?

My first thought is that your bf had a bad day and was grouchy. The fact that your post doesn't really address WHY it struck him as weird or really many details at all makes me think that all three hours were less than enlightening.

I say that he's the one with the problem - let him be the one to propose solutions. I was married for fifteen years to someone who pulled the "I don't like something and can't put my finger on it" game with me, and I refuse to play it any more.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 3

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:37:26 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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it was the fact of somebody who is not your partner wanting your attention.

sorry if it wasnt very clear

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 4

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:42:51 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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it doesnt really matter if they are paying for it or not- i get mounds of emails a day from people who want my attention.

not being cocky, just a fact.

and you are completly correct about the 3 hours being less then enlightenting.

i wanted to give more details, but want i said was pretty much a play-by-play of what happened.

so i'm just as lost as anybody reading my post for the first time.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:58:03 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

it doesnt really matter if they are paying for it or not- i get mounds of emails a day from people who want my attention.

not being cocky, just a fact.

Ahhhh... prospective clients, not actual ones. That makes things easy - if collarme is your main marketing tool, then you can ask him to develop other marketing paths if this one bugs him.

This raises the possibility that what you view as potential client marketing/screening, he views as "wasting time on the web". Maybe he wanted your availability and you were Webbing at the time. If that's the case, scheduling some regular "us time" might help.

Suggestion - do something, just the two of you, away from the place where your fight occurred. Don't discuss the issue - just spend time together and enjoy each other's company and let the tensions simmer down. Later, when you're calmer, revisit it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 6

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 8:09:14 AM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Well, it could be a couple things, really.

Yes, you and he spoke about this beforehand, and he agreed to it. But sometimes people agree to something without really understanding it, without really knowing what it would be like. He has never been in this situation before. When he agreed to this, he was really saying "I trust you and hope it will be ok".
So now that he is living with the reality of it, he is feeling uncomfortable.

Its possible it was a passing twinge of fear and insecurity; or something much deeper and profound. I don't think there is a magic spell that you can spin to suddenly "make him" feel good about this; there aren't any clever words or phrases that will change his feelings.

You can't really control how he feels, you can only control how you act, and react to him. You can try talking to him, and trying to figure out where his concerns really lie. If the two of you are both people who express themselves willingly and easily, this could work.

In other words, the ball is in your court. You need to decide how important Domming is to you, and if it is worth risking him being uncomfortable, then go for it. Sometimes, forcing someone to accept what makes them uncomfortable actualy helps them to get over it. Other times it causes them to leave.

If you aren't prepared to force the issue, then consider keeping him and forgetting Domming.

Make your decision, and accept the consequences.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 7

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 8:18:15 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

I have no experience with this particular situation, but I totally get your husband being upset about your attention being divided while amused that you are hit on. When someone hits on you, it confirms for him that he is lucky to have you. When your attention is divided away from him, he feels less important to you.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 8

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 8:50:00 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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First, you both have to be totally honest - with each other and with yourselves. A few things come to mind:

* Can he be very specific about the "acts" that bother him which he classifies as wanting your attention? Is it the amount of time you spend filtering emails, is it the phone calls, is it receiving of gifts? Find out exactly what things bug him and see if you can find a way to curtail that without impacting your business.

* Are you "enjoying" the attention too much and making him feel threatened? Do you "enjoy" the attention as a practical part of business, or is some part of you being fulfilled in an emotional way that he either is incapable of, or doesn't have the chance to (be very honest about this!)?

* Is there one particular "client" or potential client that is a problem for him?

* Has your sex life, relationship intimacy or emotional intimacy taken a dip for ANY reason, and he's pointing at your pro dom work as the reason?

* Do you ever flippantly talk about your clients or potential clients casually but he takes it in a way to mean you are bragging about them? Men have fragile egos. He may feel threatened. If you say, "So and so bought me an xxx" you could mean this to say "look at this nice gift I got from a sub that both of us can enjoy" and he may be hearing "So and so is a better man that you because he bought me x."

Akasha

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(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 9

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 8:54:57 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

When your attention is divided away from him, he feels less important to you.

i think this is the crux of the thing. Stuff like this is EASILY fixed with communication FOLLOWED UP WITH, any adjustments you, and/or him need to take.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 10

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 10:46:02 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I've got somewhat of a basis of experience in this. Not from the pro route and certainly not from the supposed time involved in the community since 14. I kind of have to wonder where in the world you were attending munches at that age, because most groups wouldn't permit it if you were being honest about your age at that time. I'm going to refrain from further comments on that because it violates TOS and I don't think the comments would be appreciated anyway.

On the subject of cultivating D/s or M/s dynamics that are not with your primary partner, in My opinion, yes, there is a time investment. How much time is dedicated to that is something that has to be agreed upon by the parties of the primary relationship. This will help to avoid issues of jealousy or time envy. In My experience, there is an element of trial and error to this. Discussing the proposition at first is basically hypothetical and will have to be revisited once it is put into practice.

The money subject aside, My other half does benefit from My dynamic with clip. This covers a wide range of things including the things he doesn't have to do around the house because clip is in My service to the activities that I want to participate in that My other half doesn't have any interest. It's up to MP and I to weigh the balance of those things with a variety of factors. Since you have an arrangement that comes down to time in relation to being paid as a pro, it only makes sense to Me that the more time you are spending on your clients in relation to how much you are making from that particular client, the value goes down. In other words, if you're being paid for the time you are physically with your client at a rate of $200.00 dollars for one session a week (two hours) but your spending twenty hours in that week cultivating or maintaining that client, you're really not making as much. There's a huge variance in that and if you have to put that much time into your clients, and don't have the same amount of time for your primary relationship, I'd probably be siding with your boyfriend on that one.

No, if someone is flirting with you, there isn't any demand for response from you. There is no time investment on your part unless you chose to respond. They are completely different things and I think your common sense should be able to tell you the difference.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 11

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 4:24:48 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
my subs crave my attention, and since my relationship is very honest, i told him that.

he told me it was weird and that it bothered him.

now, in my day-to-day life, i get hit on CONSTANTLY. he doesn't have a problem with, and most times finds it hilarious.

but isnt that the SAME THING? when somebody flirts with you, do they not want your attention?

Becoming a prodomme was bound to add a level of complexity to your relationship. Hopefully, you expected that.

Being flirted with, and have subs who crave your attention are NOT the same thing. In fact, they're not even in the same galaxy.

Just imagine if the situation were reversed. What if your partner told you that he was becoming a Chippendale's dancer, and that he was going to be dancing at bachelorette parties and ladies nights. Of course, he would be getting paid for this. The women would stick money in his thong. Some would use their hands, others might use their mouths to insert the bills. Would you be comfortable with this situation? Well that situation is pretty analogous to what you're doing.

Even if he tries to be supportive, it will be hard for him to not be jealous. And he might even feel insecure. What if some of your subs have a nicer build than he has? What if they are richer than he is? What if they are handsomer than he is? What if they are more well endowed than him? Even though you may not be having sexual contact with them, these thoughts are still going to be going through his mind.......constantly.

Remember my Chippendales example? Well what if his female clients were prettier than you? And had nicer bodies than you have? What if one was a bikini model, and she was constantly booking repeat business and would only ask for your man?

Because you are a pro Domme, you probably have to dress seductively for your clients (even if there is no touching allowed). You probably also sometimes have your clients get naked, right? Do you see why that might bother him.

What if your Chippendale dancer boyfriend also made his beautiful clients get naked. How would you like that?

Are you starting to see how this is not the same as flirting?

You guys need to have a loooooong talk, and you need to REALLY listen.

Remember, men have HUGE but fragile egos. You may not want to share many details about your clients with him. Particularly not details that might make him jealous. Instead, constantly reiterate that your clients are primarily fat, balding men with hairy backs and small penises. Telling him that they look like Danny Devito is even better.

It is not possible to over-estimate how fragile a male ego can be. Forget that point at your own peril.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 12

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 6:50:06 PM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Anyway, since i have a steady and fulfilling income, my boyfriend benifits from it. The interaction between my subs and i NEVER crosses physical/sexual/emotional boundaries that were discussed by me AND my partner in explicit lengths- and i had NEVER heard him complain, until now.

my subs crave my attention, and since my relationship is very honest, i told him that.

he told me it was weird and that it bothered him.

now, in my day-to-day life, i get hit on CONSTANTLY. he doesn't have a problem with, and most times finds it hilarious.

but isnt that the SAME THING? when somebody flirts with you, do they not want your attention?

The same thing, no. But it is similar. Only he can change his reactions however. If he cannot accept the ProDomme part of you while at the same time enjoying the benefits of your labors, I say it's time to find someone who will. Take it from someone who was in another profession with the same problems with my personal relationship outside of work. (Yeah, ok, call me a slow learner. I went through this twice before I got a clue.)

Lady

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 13

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/14/2009 7:52:53 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i have been in a relationship for 3 years, and i suppose it would be classified as "vanilla".

we dip into BDSM during sex, but nothing heavy.

we a pretty much evenly-yoked; there arent any dominant/submissive roles.

i have been in the D/s community since i discovered my sexuality at age 14 or so(now 20). my partner has expressed intrest in certain aspects, but he never took it on as a lifestyle like i have.

about a year ago, i made the choice of becoming a ProDomme.

Don't mistake me for those claiming to be in this profession, and has the "fuck you, pay me- i only want you for your money" mentality. Anybody who deals personally with me can vouche for that.

Anyway, since i have a steady and fulfilling income, my boyfriend benifits from it. The interaction between my subs and i NEVER crosses physical/sexual/emotional boundaries that were discussed by me AND my partner in explicit lengths- and i had NEVER heard him complain, until now.

my subs crave my attention, and since my relationship is very honest, i told him that.

he told me it was weird and that it bothered him.

now, in my day-to-day life, i get hit on CONSTANTLY. he doesn't have a problem with, and most times finds it hilarious.

but isnt that the SAME THING? when somebody flirts with you, do they not want your attention?

so ending the night with NO solution to this after 3 hours of discussion, which pissed me off to say the least.

so has ANYBODY gone through this situation or something similar?

i'm open to any and all advice and input!!!!

Well sounds like someone my have some security issues, If he thinks you are comming home from work just a little too happy for his liking. He needs to decide if he can come to grips with this. No way you should give up your job just because he can't deal with it.
Maybe he just needs a little TLC and some extra time with you

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 14

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/15/2009 6:44:48 AM

PrimalConsonance

Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline

(CNJDom here:)OP: Your primary involvement within the realm of BDSM is for professional reasons. The primary relationship you have with your boyfriend isn't a BDSM lifestyle, so this could be viewed as separate things entirely. This is a job where you both benefit profit from the clients that you have taken on. This job has elements and rules to be set and respected that you set up with not only your clients but also with concern to your boyfriend to ease his worries. Once he understands the rules and limits that are in place as well as the nature of BDSM behaviors, then he won't feel so insecure. Knowledge goes a long way towards easing fears. The personals relationship is with him, not the clients.

< Message edited by PrimalConsonance -- 12/15/2009 6:45:54 AM >

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(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 15

RE: some needed advice or clarification - 12/15/2009 8:40:04 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Reciprocation is the issue.

When people flirt with you in public, there is no reciprocation on your part. If you started flirting back, I'm sure his reaction would be just the same as with your clients.

And, because that side of your life is a business enterprise, good business sense dictates that you have to reciprocate what the payer is seeking in order to maintain the clientele. They are pining for your attention and, due to the nature of the interaction, will get it from you. That's the difference he's getting sensitive about.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to PrimalConsonance)

Post #: 16

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