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whiteslavebitch -> RE: Layers of Surrender (11/13/2009 3:16:25 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lovingpet
There was a certain aspect of my relationship that was instant. I think there always is with people that become significant in one's life. There was that chemistry, feeling of such a good fit, and an attraction to something that was more than skin deep. This grew over time, of course, but it was a very foundational kind of thing. It set the stage for everything else. If I had felt ill at ease with him at first, I think we would be working from a position of being behind a kind of starting gate of sorts. As it turned out, that gate was wide open and we just free to go after this thing with all we had.
Still it is a process. I think the depth was established from the beginning. That was really what we were experiencing in those early moments. We were somehow hitting each other's core in a way that brought an sense of comfort that was rare, if ever either of us had experienced it before at all. I just like to think that a human being when wide open like that is a vastness unlike any other. I could explore him forever as he could me. With that exploration comes familiarity and an idea of where we can hide away and be safe together. It is a place where the outside world can no longer see or molest. It is a place where all those sharks in our own waters cannot reach, the rush of life and the currents that would pull us away do not reach. Here we can rest in each other. Over time we find more places like that.
Along the way, you will find you wrestle with a few demons. The beasts that dwell in our own or our partners' waters are formidable. As each is defeated, we find even more serenity in each other. The same is true of those pools of pure toxicity that exist in some. We neutralize them together and purge yet another area that is free to our frolick and play. The waters merge. We heal together and we grow to know each other so well.
I think trust is the key here. I have a basic level of trust that I give as an introductory offer, a trial run of sorts to people in general. They will either build upon that or prove themselves unworthy of more. With time and actions, impressions of others, and things the person chooses to reveal on his/her own, trust can grow ever stronger. I have written before that what was extreme trust today is superficial tomorrow and I believe that. There comes a time when a person just deserves more. The problem is we really don't think there is any more to give. Exposing ourselves further means a level of vulnerability that is simply frightening. Still, if the relationship is to grow, we step out on that edge, close our eyes, and jump. There's no guarantees. There is only trust. Every leap has landed me safely within my partner's arms time and again. I trust it will be the same next time. I cannot know, but I have his history with me to give me the courage to free fall one more time. And another. And another.
Whether it is really the surrender that gets deeper, I don't know. I think it is similar to a person who is being pulled off the side of a mountain. I have been hanging on for dear life all this time. I had to do what I had to do to survive. Now my survival lies in the hands of someone else telling me to let go, it's okay, that I'm not going to fall to my death. At first, I might cling all the harder. This rock has done me just fine all this time. I know I can trust it. I don't know the same about this person offering me his hand. He grabs hold and I let one finger slip, then another, then another. Eventually, my whole life is weighing completely upon him and I know I am safe because each time I let go a little I didn't fall. He had hold of me the whole time. I was already in his hands. The difference comes from my own mind and the faith I've had rewarded. I think we often fight the arms that hold us most securely. When we finally settle, we know that we have always been safe and can at last feel the peace that comes from it. First, though, we have to stop fighting. We have to let go.
lovingpet
[sm=cheerleader.gif]OMG that was beautifully stated. I couldn't have said it half as well, but it's exactly how I feel.
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