RE: Revealing Kink- when?

RE: Revealing Kink- when? (Full Version)

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xssve -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/11/2009 6:07:42 AM)
I hate ugly surprises, so I at the first comfortable moment, I ask, "so, are you into dirty old men or what?"

Mercnbeth -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/11/2009 7:12:44 AM)
quote: Revealing Kink- when? Before you meet. A long time ago I determined my "kink" was essential to any potential relationship. When the time came to progress from casual hanging out to casual dating, before the date I disclosed myself. Before making that decision there were too many occasions when I was interested in someone, we'd get together and the first spank on the ass caused an 'issue'. Sometimes the person wasn't really upset with me, but went on a sensation overload that confused the hell out of them. Trying to discuss it at that point never seemed to work. Even when it was great over an intense weekend or longer period of time, there always seemed to be some point when, although they may have been having a good time, what it was that we did became "disgusting" or a "okay - that was great and weird but I don't want to do that anymore." I suspect a common cause was 'girl chat'; and disclosing that they enjoyed such activities lost them some standing in their 'Sex & The City' Monday weekend sex review luncheon. It became apparent that investing any emotions with someone not into something so essential to me wasn't a good way to go. It was more difficult to do back in the day. You had the 'Village Voice' ads, friends of friends, and the club scene. With the advent of specialty internet dating sites its pretty easy. It's up to you. If your kink isn't important and not an essential part of a relationship desired, try your luck. If it is an essential compatibility necessary in a partner; why invest time, emotions, and energy only to find out you're kinky incompatible? Why set yourself for failure?

aBondageTop -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/11/2009 12:22:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fungasm So when you are beginning to date someone you met in a realm that had no kink connection, when do you reveal that your prurient interests are more diverse? Do you speak up before you even meet for coffee or lunch, or do you wait until....? In my current relationship, I mentioned it gently when it seemed that we were moving toward intimacy. I would not mention it before a first meeting, since so many potential relationships end right there.

whiteslavebitch -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/11/2009 2:01:09 PM)
I wouldn't even begin dating someone that isn't kinky. I had 23 years of a vanilla marriage that just about ruined me in many ways. It isn't worth the effort for me. Now that I understand myself and my needs, I won't settle for less.

rockspider -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/11/2009 7:35:48 PM)
Well I feel a bit like a dinosaur here. Today it is of course much easier with medias like this but 30 – 40 years ago things was totally different. I did remember one of my earliest incidences of kinky sex. I was on the prowl on the discos in Copenhagen for a girl as was quite normal in my late teens early twenties. But on that evening nothing really went my way. Late in the evening I decided to head for a nightclub who was quite famous for somewhat older woman looking for younger guys. I was quite a looker back then and also quite a big guy and always dressed to impress. Well I got there and there was a few nice possibilities. One an petite blond with a stunning figure in her mid to late thirties. She was also eyeing me so we did the usual dance, drink and talking routine for a couple of hours where after she liked to go home. I offered to follow her safely home and did so. Arriving at her front door she offered the usual cup of coffee, which of course I accepted. She had a beautiful flat, totally tidy and not a thing out of place. Well she got busy with making coffee I sat and looked a bit around. Suddenly my eyes caught a pair of handcuffs which she had by “accident” left out somewhere half covered by a magazine. Well from the onset it was never doubted that the evening was going to end up in the bedroom. As such we were just following the rules of engagement as such. When she arrived with the coffee she had slipped in to something comfortable as she said. Well black lace, suspender belt and a see through cape over it plus a very knowing glint in her eye. Well she sat down and we started on the coffee and I pulled the magazine away from the cuffs and asked her what she used them for. Well her answer was that she really loved it when a man gave her them on took advantage of her. I think everybody really can work the rest out. Well I did see her for quite a number of times over the next couple of months and we really had a lot of fun, me as a total beginner dominating a woman who really had to tell me how. But fun it certainly was. In those years I really did find that it was the woman who introduced it and always in similar ways as above. Never really laying things on the line, more the old hint, hint method. I on occasion tried to bring it up with girls my own age but most of them would rather jump out the window than partake. With my first wife it was actually at least a year before she dared something like that. And then it was only on special occasions. As I got older I firstly immigrated to South Africa where sex was a lot more taboo than Denmark so kink was even further out. However I did succeed on occasion. Actually after my divorce I found the woman there was a lot more adventurous. Whether this was just because that they were older and more experienced or the society had loosened up a lot. It is hard to tell. Maybe, a bit of each. When to bring it up? I doubt that there really is a formula for that. Go with the flow and see if the partner is that way inclined. Take it small steps at a time.

Highlandsub -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/12/2009 10:06:07 AM)
Seeing as how I am in a new relationship I can answer this one from recent experience.....It came up naturally after we were "together" a few times. We discussed what we enjoyed and what we were looking for. It is apparent that I am more "involved" in things than she is and this may present a problem. Its tough enough to find someone that you feel you are compatible with, throw "kink" in on top of that and it seems like an impossible task.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/12/2009 10:23:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip im collared now so i dont date. it does come up in conversation in the army with those that i serve with. i am open with the fact that i like bdsm and have a wife and a mistress. Now I would love to be a fly on the tent wall when that conversation starts! As for me, in 1992 I was dating this guy that I really liked for a couple of months. One night on the beach I brought up the subject of kink...and never heard from him again. :(

SadistDave -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/12/2009 1:54:31 PM)
I have never made any attempt to hide my lifestyle. My boss knows, my family knows, and I think the girls at the check-out counter at the local grocery store have even figured it out. If I have to explain it to anyone I'm likely to take any sort of interest in, then they just haven't been paying attention. -SD-

subbisherri -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/12/2009 5:26:52 PM)
I "came out" to a man that I thought I was in love with. I'd done oral sex a lot but he was the first with whom I'd had vaginal sex, and shortly after opening up to him about bondage (I wasn't yet into SM) he dumped me. Wasn't his thing, I guess, and here I figured that a nude girl tied onto the bed was every man's fantasy. After that it was more a matter of nuances: hey, let's watch Secretary or Walk All Over Me... Strolling through the adult video section and pointing out fetish vids... Going to the Taboo Sex Show and dragging him to the dungeon show. I guess what I mean is being subtle and looking for clues and feedback, rather than just coming to bed in a leather teddy and handcuffs. ss

maugseros -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/15/2009 9:52:39 PM)
Ahh... to jump into the water at once? Or inch in little by little? Personally.. I simply have to jump in. I know it's possible for a person (male or female) to start out vanilla.. and grow/learn to love fetishes over time. However, I know that if I HAVE to take it slow and inch into the water just a little bit at a time, sure she may be able to stretch her boundaries a little over time, but I just know there is no way that long term she's really going to be able to handle all my lust, passion and need. It's just too long a road to start with someone who's on the beach, when you are already diving at the bottom of the Marianas trench desperatly searching for a cave in the bottom to be able to go even deeper. It's too long a road to take someone who's on the beach to see if they ever could go that deep, when you know most will stop within 10 feet of the surface. It's better to let someone know you are at the bottom of the Marianas trench to begin with (or maybe just start by showing them that you are at least a couple miles under the surface). If they don't freak out and take off running for the mountains.. then maybe they are already a mile down and could handle going deeper. Why waste your time on a relationship that's probably never going to satisfy. That's why I think it's best to jump in right from the start.

PainfullyCurious -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/15/2009 10:22:45 PM)
Do you think that revealing a kink upfront, right away, gives the impression that you are saying you expect/want to go there tonight? I see the arguement for talking about it on or before the first meeting. Why waste your time? But how do you do that without leading the person to think you're willing to take things at a less-than-comfortable pace? Could actually be a little dangerous in some cases? For example, explaining that you like someone who is rough and forceful and then telling them, no.

bipet123 -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 6:54:57 AM)
hmmm - it depends on the situation alot I think. Looking back at my dating history, I could have had EVERYTHING I wanted from one person who on the very first date described her kinks as exactly complementary to my own. It was a blind date that a friend had set up and after the general introductions (hello etc.) she announced in a busy pub that she liked to shave her boyfriend's legs and get him to wear her clothes. On the way home she announced that she had a bisexual lesbian fetish and was really just looking for a man she could control into becoming a house wife for herself, her mother, and any future sexual partners she wanted. She invited me into her house initially for coffee but then said she had a wide collection of porn to suit all tastes if I needed something more than coffee to get into the mood. It scared the hell out of me and I ran a mile - I have regretted it ever since. Another partner, I used a magazine article in FHM about strap-on sex to get her to experiment initially with a vibrator and then later a strap-on. We would watch some of the sex programs on the tv together (sexetc? can't remember its name) and then say whether we would experiment with that or not but to be honest while the sex was unbelievable it still felt a bit like vanilla experimentation. I still held back in that relationship and I think she did as well. She asked me if she could cuckold me and I said 'no' eventhough it turned me on - I guess social constraints still influence me. My last partner I was up front from about the second or third date. I told her that I liked her and felt that I needed to be honest with her from the start and said that I feel as though I should have been born a woman and that I like SM. She was happy to experiment but decided she did not like anything that I liked and basically she did not like sex at all. She had no idea what turned her on and refused to tell me when I did something she found nice. I asked her if maybe she preferred women but she insisted she didn't and hated to see me in drag although she would tolerate if I dressed when she was not around. I asked her if it was just me that she did not like having sex with because I was happy for her to find sex elsewhere that made her happy but she said it was sex fullstop that she just did not enjoy. So I was kind at a loss with her, she said she loved me, she enjoyed kissing me, being around me, hugging me, chatting with me etc but nothing sexual. I asked her if she would mind if I sought sex elsewhere and she said no that it would make her feel inadequate as a woman, so I asked if she would mind if I sought it from a man instead (obviously in a less subtle way that tried to build up her confidence as a woman) but she said that she would be scared that I caught some sexual disease. In hindsight I should have given the first person a chance and should not have been so scared. The second person I would love to have still been with and kick myself that I freaked out about her request to cuckold me. I feel that I should have been more honest with her. There was a time when we were on holiday once and we saw a transvestite... I commented that it must be a very brave thing to go out in public dressed, she asked me if it was something I wished I could do and I replied 'no' eventhough it was probably one of the top things I wish I could do. I feel that she suspected I had lied then, she asked if she could cuckold me about 2 days later and I freaked out and I think the combination of the lie and not being honest with myself made her decide the relationship was over. Social constraints are a real annoyance. My advice is to learn to be honest with yourself and then you can be honest with your future partners. Keeping things hidden just spoils things later. I have to admit I am still tied to social niceities - my own desires terrify me which is probably an excuse for putting my desires aside to fulfill a dom/me's desires.

ranja -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 7:01:18 AM)
thank you so much for writing that...

TwistedHeart74 -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 12:20:26 PM)
I told them when it looked like it might be getting serious. After bringing in a dom and a sub, I said to hell with dating vanilla. I've only had one..not so positive reaction.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 12:35:47 PM)
quote: my own desires terrify me To me this is the core issue. When you terrify yourself you can't help but terrify a potential partner. You have to be happy with yourself, accepting of who you are, and what you desire confidently before you can go out and expect to find a compatible partner. Otherwise you'll project your beliefs on them. You'll believe that if you don't terrify them, there's got to be something wrong with them. A vicious cycle of self loathing can only be stopped at the source - you have to like, value, and be proud of yourself before expecting anyone else to do so.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 2:56:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch quote: ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip im collared now so i dont date. it does come up in conversation in the army with those that i serve with. i am open with the fact that i like bdsm and have a wife and a mistress. Now I would love to be a fly on the tent wall when that conversation starts! As for me, in 1992 I was dating this guy that I really liked for a couple of months. One night on the beach I brought up the subject of kink...and never heard from him again. :( What a fool BSB... Heck I've seen you... how could ANYBODY say no to you? Silly man!

Tantriqu -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/16/2009 3:13:33 PM)
Reading these stories, I feel very lucky. Every man I've been with has been a sexual pleaser, whether they would identify themselves as sub or not, and to my delight I found even the vanilla-est of the vanilla take 'kink' things for granted if introduced gradually. Men who had never had anything but missionary intercourse before me come to feel strap-on sex and OSODD as completely natural, desirable and normal love-making. The only one not universal is that some men, especially cops who have seen it go bad, are afraid of bondage, which is respected, although it cuts down considerably on what's in the toy box. As to how it's done, a simple order/slash/request in the heat of bed, or an exchange of fantasies in between mutual orgasms. I was pleasantly shocked by a missionary vanilla whose biggest fantasy was graduated anal bead strap-on pulled out at orgasm, so you never know until you ask.

theRose4U -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/17/2009 7:50:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucienne Usually when naked. Although I guess I give off a vibe, because my partners normally understand that I'm kinky, the only question is just how kinky. I try to gauge their receptiveness to the idea before this but yes there have been a few instances where I've gently growled in their ear "you are a very very lucky man" after the application of gentle pain was answered with approving moans.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/17/2009 9:42:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fungasm So when you are beginning to date someone you met in a realm that had no kink connection, when do you reveal that your prurient interests are more diverse? Do you speak up before you even meet for coffee or lunch, or do you wait until....? So....like....with a chic one of my buds has set me up with.....should I say (at the outset.....say....when the wine is delivered) "so....you know Tom? Great guy...Tom. I bet you'll find this unusual but...I suspect Tom didn't mention....I'd actually prefer to sit at your feet while we're at Ruth Crists?" "Well, no....no exactly like being deferential....more like....ohhhhhh....at your feet....sucking them....entirely unperturbed at other peoples concern....certainly aware of it but......right then....pleasure knowing you and all...."

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Revealing Kink- when? (11/17/2009 10:04:14 PM)
The black "SM" bumper sticker on the back of the Pandamobile tends to tip a lot of people off early on.

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