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newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 1:22:55 PM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm happily partnered with my wonderful Dom, and several things have come up in the course of our discussions that are unfamiliar to me, and I'm wondering if others had advice.  I am very comfortable talking to Him about these things, and have, but I am curious about other perspectives.

One thing we have discussed is attending parties and public events.  He has done this before, but I have not.  I am curious about how such events work, what it's like, and how one connects with such opportunities.

Another thing we have discussed (for down the road) is involving others in play. We are both bisexual, and while not looking for a poly relationship, may in the future welcome others temporarily.  How do you find people to be involved in this capacity?   We discussed several scenarios...

Many thanks for any opinions or contributions! :)
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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 2:00:20 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		There are many types of public events.  For example, a munch is a social gathering, usually in a restaurant type venue that is strictly a social thing.  Basically you find out where and when the munch meets.  You show up and introduce yourself, no invitation needed.  Then there are private play parties.  After attending a munch a time or two and getting to know the people, you may be invited to someone's home with a group of others.  Again, this is mostly a social occasion with one or two partners playing.  Then there are the larger events.  These can run from 50 people to hundreds.  During the large events there are usually guest presenters/speakers.  These people will usually lecture, teach or discuss some facet of the lifestyle.  A whip Master may give a whip demonstration.  Another may lecture on the different types of poly families.  At night there are normally dungeon parties where you may watch many people doing different activities and you may wish to do something yourself.  In some larger cities there are BDSM clubs.  They are usually a members only thing.  To become a member you look at their web site and show up when there is orientation.  You pay your yearly/monthly dues after signing papers to say you understand the rules.  Next time they have a play party, (usually on weekends) you show up at the door and pay an entry fee. 

You find out about munches and events from online sources.  www.drkdesyre.com/    is one place I use to find munches and other events.  Google BDSM and where you live to find other sources of information. 

As to doing some playing with others, as you meet people you will learn who might be open to that sort of play and who is not.  It's a matter of getting out and meeting people and sharing information. 

< Message edited by peppermint -- 11/9/2009 2:01:39 PM >

(in reply to northernsiren)
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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 2:09:10 PM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

C
Thank you for responding peppermint.  I think we are both more interested in smaller groups, clubs and such are a bit overwhelming, especially for me, having never done anything like that before. 

I found the site you referenced, and looked up groups in my area. I actually got turned down for one that I applied to several months back. No explanation as to why either :(  Sort of turned me off to the whole thing, to be honest.  I've gotten quite adept at meeting people online, just how that translates into meeting people in "real" seems to be a larger issue...  I will try some of the other groups though, perhaps they'll accept me, LOL>..

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 3:09:48 PM   
Mishna


Posts: 70
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		You might want to check out fetlife.com. Do a search for groups in your area. That's how I got in touch with a group local to me. I actually played in public for the first time, in the company of this group a couple of weeks ago. Everyone was supportive and the individual I played with was kind and helped me overcome my nervousness. It was a wonderful experience.

Best of luck with your search. :)

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 5:25:39 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hi siren

Were you single at the time you applied? Some groups are couples only, others accept singles and couples, some are singles only. The refusal could also have been because you didn't know anyone else in the scene who could vouch for you, to say that you were genuine and not a cop-in-disguise for example.

peppermint described the scene very clearly. It's usually easiest to find and attend a munch first. Chatting socially is good, you realise other bdsmers come in all shapes, sizes and perspectives, and you'll find some you click with and others you don't. However knowing some people makes it much easier to attend a play party and be more prepared to play. Most parties go out of their way to make newcomers welcome, and they will go through the house rules/protocols with you. Most won't insist that newcomers play the first time unless they want to. Given that you are with an experienced Dom though, chances are He may want to unless you are especially nervous. Make sure you talk over with Him what exactly is the source of your nerves beforehand. Is it the protocols, fear that you will make a mistake? In which case go through the party rules carefully together and set up some little signals that help you. Is it getting naked in front of others? He could devise a scene that leaves you at least covering the essentials. One thing that I found very liberating is that there are none (or few) perfect bodies in the Dungeon ... and no one gives a damn! YAY! Is it a fear of not being able to take enough? Or of having to safeword in front of others? He and I can assure you there aren't "standards" by which to judge enough, enough is what is enough for you at that moment in time and if He is an experienced Dom and He has been able to assess this at home with you, it shouldn't change when out. If anything He may be more cautious knowing you will be nervous and knowing it can be harder to hear groans and/or a safeword in a public place. Or it may be something else ... try to sort out what the source is of your fears and talk it through.

Make sure you take food if required (many parties ask attendees to bring a plate of food for the supper table), take some drinks unless they are available there for purchase, I would suggest water and perhaps some soft drinks, lay off the alcohol, and take a warm blanket to wrap yourself in as subs often get very cold whilst playing. If you haven't got any special clothing, basic black is always good. It also may be a venue where you arrive in street clothes and change into something fancier there - that should be mentioned too.

Go and have fun! Parties offer the chance to use equipment you probably don't have at home, plus view forms of play you might not otherwise see. It often happens that where the thought of a form of play can bring fear and revulsion (eg needles), seeing it done and seeing the response of the sub can cause you to re-think your position. One of the most needle-phobic people I know watched needleplay at parties for months before one night she decided to have a go. Result? One needlephiliac, she couldn't get enough! We called her "pincushion" for a while! So go with an open mind and enjoy!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/9/2009 8:39:04 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: northernsiren

quote:

C
Thank you for responding peppermint.  I think we are both more interested in smaller groups, clubs and such are a bit overwhelming, especially for me, having never done anything like that before. 

I found the site you referenced, and looked up groups in my area. I actually got turned down for one that I applied to several months back. No explanation as to why either :(  Sort of turned me off to the whole thing, to be honest.  I've gotten quite adept at meeting people online, just how that translates into meeting people in "real" seems to be a larger issue...  I will try some of the other groups though, perhaps they'll accept me, LOL>..



I'm not sure what type of group would turn you down.  A munch can be attended by anyone.  However, there are groups such as the TNG which are only for the younger crowd and do not accept older members.  I've never heard of anyone being turned down to attend a munch, sight unseen.  If it was a yahoo group you applied to then I can say that many will not allow you to join unless you've attended a munch first.  I know of several groups that do this.  When you have attended a munch, the moderator of the yahoo group will take your email address and send an official invitation to join. 

I remember not too many years ago I thought I would never find the real time community I knew existed but I couldn't seem to find.  Then online I met two people, both whom attended the same munch group.  Within a short time I had met them both.  I was able to attend the munch and joined the munch yahoo group.  Suddenly it was like a river of information opened up.  It's 5 years later.  I've attended munches in several states.  I have made friends with people all over the western US.  I am a regular member of 3 munch groups in 2 different states.  The munch groups I've attended vary from over 100  to small munches of only 6.  It just takes that first step.  You, obviously, want to find the smaller munch groups and they do exist. 

Good luck in finding a group that fits you. 

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/10/2009 2:21:21 PM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks Mishna, I actually met Him on Alt.com and we are both active on Fetlife.  I find it difficult to meet people there, but I'm trying to participate more actively on the message boards, in the hopes that I can make the type of connections that might lead to a more comfortable experience for public play. :)

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/10/2009 2:30:24 PM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		Greetings MaamJay,

I was single when I applied, perhaps that was the reason. I believe I had to write a testimonial as to why I wanted to join, and it's possible I was too honest; i.e. expressing my newness to the scene and desire to learn.  I would think that honesty would be a good thing, but perhaps they get too many people dipping their toes to allow such ppl to join.  I tend to be very verbose, so I tried to keep it short and sweet, rather than explaining that I was involved with BDSM about 12 years ago before embarking on a vanilla relationship that lasted most of that time, and now, in single realm again, wanted to make it a priority. 

I think my fears are mostly about being naked and identifiable. I'm heavily tattooed, so even if I were to wear a mask or something, I a. get a lot of attention and b. am pretty memorable.  I mentioned to Him last night about my reservations on that subject, and asked if I could be painted in liquid latex instead, so at least no one would see my tattoos.  He said that anyone there also had no business judging me for my presence, lol and He is right on that count.  He mentioned a lingerie outfit that I wear for Him as something He would like for me to wear to such an event, so complete nakedness is not a requirement for Him.  We will keep discussing it, I find the idea exciting, scary and arousing, usually a good combo for me :)

There is a local munch and I have intended to go for a while. I will follow His lead on this though, I know I am safe with Him, and when He determines we are ready to try such a thing, I will put that trust in Him as I do in all else.

Oh and new equipment???  >:D even more fun!!!  Thank you so much for your response, it's very reassuring!!!

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/10/2009 2:32:24 PM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		:) yes I will pursue it, there are some fetish night clubs in my area as well, but even that seems overwhelming, I think meeting people in more normal circumstances is probably a good start; I would like to go to a club but it would be nice to see a few familiar faces there and most of my "regular" circle of friends would never go....

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RE: newbie curious about a couple of things - 11/12/2009 7:47:07 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Glad I was of help northernsiren. You have a valid point about the tattoos ... but think of it this way, at a play party, you and the viewer are both equally vulnerable to being outed. So don't panic too much about it. At a munch everyone is clothed and fetish dress is generally discouraged. The group looks like any group of people meeting - could be a work group, an extended family, or a mob of people with any interest in common! So being part of that gathering doesn't say anything about you.

I think honesty is good but spilling too much can make it look like you don't have a sense of discretion which makes people in this lifestyle a bit twitchy! Better to have said "I was involved in bdsm some years ago, then tried to live vanilla and that eventually failed. So I am trying to reconnect with the lifestyle having discovered I can't be happy without this in my life in some way. I've met a lovely Dom but He wants me to learn from others too so I am hoping to meet some likeminded people". That comes across more authentically and should raise less concerns!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to northernsiren)
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