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Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 4:06:20 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		A little info, since most have been written before by me. I am 58, and for the last 3 years i have dabble in BDSM, prior to that, I was married in an equal-relationship/vanilla. I am a widow of 4 years. The majority of my time these past 4 years have been spent living alone, and i am still living alone.  This has offered me the wonderful experience of learning to be alone, managing my life and taking responsibility for myself. I actually enjoy living alone and Sir is aware of that, and He is fine with that. Living alone is not an issue, and this relationship offers me what i have been seeking, yet i find myself sabatoging.

My question is how do you manage your fears? In reading many threads, it is evident that i am not alone in having fears and feeling awkward trying to learn a new 'lifestyle' or a new relationship for that matter. Yes, the concept of being just you is an excellent one, yet it is troublesome as well. The transition of being in an equal relationship to a BDSM has been difficult. When things start to go very well, i tend to self-sabatoge. I am also aware, as is Sir that my biggest fear is going through another death of a partner. We are trying to get me past this fear, and Sir is on top of it. Part of the reasoning is fear of commiting to another relationship. The death of my husband took all that i had in me and has been replaced with excuses to not fully commit to another relationship. That though has been 4 years, and i know i am ready to move on, but i spin circles in sabatoging when things start to go well. How do you manage your fears of intimacy? To become so close to someone and it is true there is a difference between the intensity of BDSM and Vanilla, which just increases my fears. i cannot seem to stop the madness within me. If anyone has gone through the death of a partner, how do you get past the fear of letting go into love again? How do you stop sabatoging? I am grateful for all suggestions. I am so fragil emotionally right now regarding this, but my desire to release this fear is stronger then to hold on it.

Thank you for reading this,
oceanwynds
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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 4:19:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not sure you are over the death of your husband. Have you done any grief therapy? You might find it useful.

Beyond that, if we hit a snag he drops it for about six months and focuses on other things. Which gives me time without pressure to think it over by myself. When I'm ready to talk about any part of it, I do. But the more pressure there is to do something, the more human nature will make you dig in your heels.

He's a big proponent of giving me enough rope to hang myself, so to speak.

Now has he done what he can to assuage your fears? Has he had a physical? Baseline EKG? If overweight is he trying to lower his cholesterol and get back into shape? Because if he isn't healthy, then your fears are reasonable and should be listened to.

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 4:48:19 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		Actually Sir is very healthy and does go for his year check-ups.  I have done grief counseling, though I am considering seeking counseling again. Thank you Desfip for your reply.

oceanwynds

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 4:52:37 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		At the risk of sounding simplistic, i feel that the "right" partner will feel right, and be right. Therefore those fears will be able to be dealt with healthily by the two of you(when you find each other that is)

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:03:54 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

At the risk of sounding simplistic, i feel that the "right" partner will feel right, and be right. Therefore those fears will be able to be dealt with healthily by the two of you(when you find each other that is)


For some people i am sure that has happen, but i never have that. Even with late hubby it took me time. Sir is very willing to work with me on this, and knows i am complex person. thank you breaheasone

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:17:52 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i'm sorry, i'm confused. Didn't you just have a series of posts about red flags and leaving a relationship. Is this a different Sir, the same Sir that you mentioned in the red flag series of posts?

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:21:23 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Ocean,
I am confused a little.  This dominant is the same dominant you have been speaking about before?  Or someone new?

the.dark.

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:28:05 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i'm sorry, i'm confused. Didn't you just have a series of posts about red flags and leaving a relationship. Is this a different Sir, the same Sir that you mentioned in the red flag series of posts?


Hi heartfeltsub
I can understand the confusion, and that is why I went back to my original post on the red flags to retract. It was also a part of me trying to sabatoge my relationship with Sir. Trying to run when i knew i was becoming more in love with him. The fear of feeling that depth of love made me rationalize things into red flags. The major concern i had he has changed and he was the one that approach me. I do understand the confusion i have brought on myself, but being a part of these boards for a long time, i know i can trust people and their advice. I was hesitant to post this, but i am in need of getting through my self-sabatoging, and with His help and the advice here i can work on myself. i also knew people here will be more open if i was being honest with myself and them.
Thank you for posting
oceanwynds

< Message edited by oceanwynds1 -- 11/4/2009 5:29:35 AM >

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:30:34 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I can relate to some of that as my husband died suddenly at the age of 38yrs, leaving me with 4 children. The following few years were some of the hardest I'm likely to go through.

I do have a *fear of loss* (not limited to death) now, simply because the fact that there are no guarentees that anything will last, has been starkly experienced. That was 10yrs ago now, though.

4yrs after my husband's death I certainly wasn't *over it*. It was still a very potent part of my history and it still has it's effects even now.

I suppose the difference for me is that I haven't tried to build a relationship.....they've just occured quite naturally over a LONG time . I'm talking years, not months. I didn't fear intimacy because it wasn't ever expected, to be honest. It came in it's own time.

Things like this have a natural process and in many ways , it just causes unnecessary stress to semi *force* it. There are LOT fewer certainties in the starting phases of getting to know someone than there are over time, and you can't skip over them.

If I was any good at giving advice.........I'd say ...... Don't load your new relationship, just be together and experience each other, enjoy it FOR what it is and take the pressure off. Don't plan to BE anything , don't expect anything ........wait and see.

It's possible to stop sabotaging if you have realistic expectations, especially when you are still getting to know someone.....and you haven't known him very long. You've lost your husband, had a bdsm relationship with your first bloke and are now at the threshold of another .........slow up and let some of your fears dissipate with our good friend *time*.

agirl



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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:31:42 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Ocean
What I am trying to understand is - is this gentleman the man before the name alteration, or the one you met after you returned to this name again?(I have seen your retraction on that other thread).

the.dark.

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:33:39 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		the dark
Understandable about the confusion. Sir is the one i met in late July in rt and have been seeing since then. The one i was talking about prior is still my friend and we were friends, as i stated in my posts. Hindsight is always better but with him, i was safe since i knew we would not become committed. i didn't have to move past late hubby with my friend. Sir is into commitment and he does want a relationship with me. i hope this explains it.
oceanwynds

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:40:16 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		It's fine for him to commit to you , if that's what he's able and capable of doing. It does appear that you're trying to keep up with him and you aren't in a position to do so.  People don't come at relationships from the same starting point.

There's nothing to stop him committing to you but you can't mirror that because you aren't *him*.

agirl

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:41:53 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you agirl. Yes, Sir too has told me just to focus on the present time goals, which are basically still working on getting myself together, in career , health and other ways. He has not pressured me into anything beyond that. Yes, he wants to collar me down the road, but he is helping me to see the shades of grey. The fear of losing someone is big in me, as you stated it doesn't have to be a death. Yet watching late hubby getting worst for 4 years and then moving to a new state knowing just my mom, and then watching hubby die did hurt me deeply. At the time, i had no intention of being in another relationship, just friends with people. This is different. Thanks so much for your wise advice.
oceanwynds

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:42:47 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Absolutely - and thank you for clarifying.
I don't believe that you are able to give commitment from the way you post and the way you are.  And I adore you so this isn't meant to sound condecending or mean.  I do feel you are moving forward without healing and faster than you are comfortable with and even if this man is ready for commitment, I do not get the impression that you are.  Anyone - regardless of orientation or gender, needs to be happy with themselves before they can give happiness.  And what I get from you is a fragility and fear of failing and loosing again.  But I may be wrong.

I have to admit, I don't get this idea of being unequal in a relationship.  That bit concerns me (with you).  If you can clarify that train of thought, it might help me understand.  Is this your thought on what makes a Ds relationship?(I am working on the premise that you are Ds).  Or someone elses?

the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 5:54:35 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Absolutely - and thank you for clarifying.
I don't believe that you are able to give commitment from the way you post and the way you are.  And I adore you so this isn't meant to sound condecending or mean.  I do feel you are moving forward without healing and faster than you are comfortable with and even if this man is ready for commitment, I do not get the impression that you are.  Anyone - regardless of orientation or gender, needs to be happy with themselves before they can give happiness.  And what I get from you is a fragility and fear of failing and loosing again.  But I may be wrong.

I have to admit, I don't get this idea of being unequal in a relationship.  That bit concerns me (with you).  If you can clarify that train of thought, it might help me understand.  Is this your thought on what makes a Ds relationship?(I am working on the premise that you are Ds).  Or someone elses?

the.dark.


Thank you for bringing this up, the part i highlighted in red. Yes this is what i thought You had to do, which has added problems in trying to be submissive. i am very independent woman, a complex thinker, and one that people come to for advice. I have an artistic temperment, and prefer to do a lot by myself. My concept of a submissive was to give that all up, and then frustration with my first friend and now with Sir on this, because it appears to be clingy. i cant stand clingy and needie people, so i cant stand me sometimes. i always been known as a person to follow her own path, and one most could not follow. i am very strick on myself and discipline, but i kept thinking i had to throw that all away. Sir is attracted to the independent person i am and so have been the men and women who have been a big part of my life. Sir and i discuss, i cannot be micromanaged and he is not into that at all. He doesnt either. i just fall over my feet trying to understand what submissive is. Thank you for bringing this up, the dark. By the way i adore you too.
oceanwynds

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 6:18:19 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

i just fall over my feet trying to understand what submissive is.


Sweet Ocean.
Being 'submissive' is to submit.  No more, no less.  Try not to over think it or make it more than it is.
What that submission involves, is down to the people involved.  And if your man desires an independant woman - and that is what you are, then that is what the submission involves in your(his and you) relationship.  It is really easy to get caught up in a generic idea of what a label is.  But just as there are many kinds of oceans, there are are many ways to submit.

Master considers us equal.  Yet we are equally unequal.  Even as photographers, we have different strengths.  And that compliments the relationship we have as photographers, just as our different strengths compliments the relationship we have as Master and slave.

Much love
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 6:44:31 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you so much the dark for your explanation. i will stop trying to be every label concept and just be me, which both Sir and my friend kept telling me.

Agirl and dark, i will not hurry myself in this relationship. Sir is patient and been in this lifestyle for over 40 years. He knows i am new to this, and now i understand why he is taking things so slow with me.

thank you both
ocean

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 7:02:30 AM   
curiousINct


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds1

How do you manage your fears of intimacy? To become so close to someone and it is true there is a difference between the intensity of BDSM and Vanilla, which just increases my fears. i cannot seem to stop the madness within me.


ocean,

My situation is different, this is my first relationship after a long, unhappy marriage - but that fear is very much the same. The past 6 weeks or so have been filled with that internal madness you mentioned above, although when looking back it's clear that it was building for awhile and I just didn't recognize it.

A week ago, I started keeping a journal - at home, for my eyes only. I'm forcing myself to go to bed earlier (and stay there, even if I can't sleep easily) and have been going for an extra walk every day. Who knows if this will help long term, but it has definitely made a big difference for me for now. Calm feels so good.

I have no great advice to offer, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

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Mann traoch, Gott läuch.

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 7:17:27 AM   
oceanwynds1


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline 		CuriousInct, that actually is good advice, and one i tell people often, to journal. i have gotten out of that practice. i like the idea of making myself go to bed earlier. This month and next will be difficult and i already informed Sir of this. November would have been our wedding anniversary, plus Thanksgiving and then all the holidays in Dec and hubby's birthday was Dec. 24th. You just can't eliminate 29 years with a person. It will be a great idea to keep a journal by my bed and use that to get things out. I'm sorry you are going through this too, and do appreciate you sharing with me.

blessings
oceanwynds

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RE: Managing your fears - 11/4/2009 7:34:09 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Dear oceanwind, I can truly relate to your fears.
I married very young and my husband was killed whilst I had our baby in arms. He is the only man I have ever loved up until meeting Stephen and I had always worn a coat of armor and sworn to myself that I would never go through such pain again.
I am now in love but that love has been tainted with fear of losing Stephen, not of separation but of death. I have said a few times on here that there is only one thing I fear and that is that tomorrow will not be as perfect as today and people have told me not to be silly and to enjoy what I have.
This is a real and founded fear but as time goes on it will lesson. A year ago I was really a mess with this and very destructive to the relationship. Six months ago I started to question my fears and talk about them and I am now in a position where although I still fear loss but and accept that will never totally go away, I can enjoy and embrace every moment together without a feeling of impending doom.

Hugs to you... this will get easier.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 11/4/2009 7:35:01 AM >

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