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Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 11:27:40 AM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
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I've been in a poly relationship for several months now.. and my other has kept his other in another part of the state and has named me his primary... giving me turf law in order for me to feel safe and comfortable in my own area where a lot of the people I'm around do not understand the concept of having others.

His other is also an ex girlfriend whom he has explained to me is just a friend with benefits now, but who also has all the traits he has ever wanted in a partner.. he says they will never get together in a serious way again, but that he still wants this type of relationship with her.

It really bothers me to hear him talk about this girl he loves and lost and it feels like she is more a primary than I am even though she is several hours away.

Now the dillema. She is driving through town this evening and ask him to ask me for permission for her to stay at his place with him tonight.. He asked me and I said I was uncomfortable with her on my turf.. in my area.. excercising his turf law he gave me.. at that point it felt to me that my opinion didn't matter when it came to her and that he was going to do whatever he pleased regardless of my opinion..

So I gave him permission to have her over but not to play. and he still doesn't seem happy.. I had originally been considering seeing if he wanted to stay with me tonight... before this all happened, I just hadn't had a chance to ask him before he dropped this bomb shell on me.. I'm just really confused and would like some advice on how to handle this...

Post #: 1

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 11:54:45 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
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From: Salt Lake City, UT
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Jealousy... Welcome to being in the still early stages of a poly relationship. I'll be honest, I had about the same situation as you, not all THAT long ago in the grand scheme of things. As far as advice goes, I wish I had some other than "Time and patience" (which you don't really have, and neither did I). What did I do though? *blush* Had a complete and total fucking meltdown. No, not the most mature and graceful of ways to deal with a situation. I tried not to. Did my absolute best. But, I just wasn't ready for my primary partner to have another. Or it was that his other just wasn't the right fit in my mind for the relationship. Or a combination of that and many things. So, as far as advice, I'm really sorry hon, I don't have much to give. Moral support and a shoulder to lean on though, if you need one, I do have. It's not the easiest thing in the world by any means, especially because of that horrible jealousy thing. And insecurities. And human nature.

I guess though, talk with him about it, openly and honestly. Let him know exactly how it makes you feel without placing blame. Own your feelings. Say things like "I feel like.........", "I didn't like that this happened because .............". Don't blame by saying "You made me feel.................." "You hurt me by..................", etc. See what I'm saying? To put things in a blaming way just paves the way for your subconscious to punish him later, which is just as unfair and uncool, and I'm sure NOT what you want.

But mostly, be honest and open about it all. And, good luck hon. *HUG*

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

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(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 2

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:07:37 PM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
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I'm fine with him having others.. It's just this one.. and the fact that he's still in love with her.. and honesty just seems to drive something between us.. I told him that I did not like that he was still seeing her, but that I was ok with others.. just not the one that still had his heart.

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 3

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:23:08 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
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From: Salt Lake City, UT
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Unfortunately, that could be one of a couple things. Could be that he does love her still, and, well, in a poly relationship that's something you'll have to get used to, that's how it works. M. loves his other partner as well as me. And that's as it should be. Different partner now, by the way, not the one that I mentioned before. In fact, his secondary partner is my pet. So it works out rather nicely.

Or it could be, yes, just this one in particular. That's a lot easier to solve. Again, just be open and honest with him about it.

It's harder to say if it's the second one though, as, from what I gather, he hasn't had others to even consider. I could be mistaken in that and just misunderstanding though.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 4

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:28:04 PM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
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He had an other that I was ok with.. but that he decided was too white trash for his liking.. so he got rid of her.. and my main problem was just that he asked my opinion, i gave it and he didn't want to hear it.;

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 5

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:31:35 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Laneychelle

I'm fine with him having others.. It's just this one.. and the fact that he's still in love with her.. and honesty just seems to drive something between us.. I told him that I did not like that he was still seeing her, but that I was ok with others.. just not the one that still had his heart.

1) That doesn't strike me as polyamory. You don't appear to want him to actually have/develop a relationship with someone else...aside from sexually. Certainly not in a way that you would gauge as emotionally trumping yours. On that note...

2) You realize you cannot demand for yourself the role of someone's "emotional primary", right? "Stop feeling the way you feel about her," isn't a logical standpoint.

3) You entered into an open relationship with him knowing about his emotional ties to his ex. Did you not see this coming or were you certain that #2 would not be the case?

4) Either: you choose to remain in a "polyamorous" relationship with someone who can forge his own relationships (regardless of the type) -or- you develop an authority dynamic where you have control over who he is allowed to forge relationships with -or- you suck it up and accept the situation you've chosen to be in -or- you and him, in a mutually honest discussion, decide if you can both be fulfilled in each others lives in any way involving compromise -or- you exit the situation and ascertain more clearly what you're getting into the next time you want to try something polyamorous.

(I think that may cover it...)

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 6

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:32:02 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
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From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Ah, see, that clears things up a lot better then. Yeah, there is definitely such thing as "just not the right person for the relationship". That was the case with M's other partner. I liked him well enough, just... something about THAT didn't quite clique, in a big way.

As far as the thoughts and not wanting to be heard, you definitely need to bring that up with him a.s.a.p., before it sits and festers and becomes major trouble.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 7

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:36:41 PM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
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I did not enter into an open relationship knowing he still had feelings for his ex.. I didn't even know how he felt about his ex/other until about a month ago when he finally confessed to me.

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 8

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:42:56 PM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
Status: offline

and honestly.. if he goes down to her I don't have as big a problem as when she comes here, and I had been wanting to have him over tonight

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 9

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:45:26 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laneychelle

I did not enter into an open relationship knowing he still had feelings for his ex.. I didn't even know how he felt about his ex/other until about a month ago when he finally confessed to me.

Okay. So let's retract #3 and replace it:

1) That doesn't strike me as polyamory. You don't appear to want him to actually have/develop a relationship with someone else...aside from sexually. Certainly not in a way that you would gauge as emotionally trumping yours. On that note...

2) You realize you cannot demand for yourself the role of someone's "emotional primary", right? "Stop feeling the way you feel about her," isn't a logical standpoint.

3.1) Do you feel he intentionally hid his desire to pursue his ex again until he was sure you were okay with being open? If there was a likelihood of there being someone you wouldn't accept of him seeing, did you make that clear once you two decided to be open?

4) Either: you choose to remain in a "polyamorous" relationship with someone who can forge his own relationships (regardless of the type) -or- you develop an authority dynamic where you have control over who he is allowed to forge relationships with -or- you suck it up and accept the situation you've chosen to be in -or- you and him, in a mutually honest discussion, decide if you can both be fulfilled in each others lives in any way involving compromise -or- you exit the situation and ascertain more clearly what you're getting into the next time you want to try something polyamorous.

(You still end up with the same options.)

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 10

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:48:02 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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Seems to me that you have several things going on. If you are in a D/s dynamic, then---depending on what you've negotiated in this area---he has the right to listen to you and then do what he feels is best anyway. If that includes not doing it the way you would like, that is his choice as the dominant. If what you've negotiated is that IN THIS AREA, your wishes come first then you already know that it isn't so...his choice to have her over is proof of that. Since you did not state clearly what has been negotiated and what type of dynamic you are in, then I can't be any clearer than that. One thing I will say though is that your comment about "I gave him my opinion and he didn't want to hear it" sounds an awful lot like my ex---a vanilla if there ever was one---and her ideas of "equality"...i.e., here's my opinion: now that I've given it to you, don't consider it, just do it my way. But D/s dynamics are inherently unequal even while being equal and one of the ways they are not equal is that the submissive partner does not get to expect her dominant to follow what she says UNLESS we are speaking of an area in which she did not yield any more than cursory control.

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 11

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:49:54 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laneychelle

and honestly.. if he goes down to her I don't have as big a problem as when she comes here, and I had been wanting to have him over tonight

Which you didn't communicate to him.

So, your issues are twofold:

a) You propose to him that you require to be the tiebreaker if a situation arises where he has conflicting options between her and you.

b) You determine what process is acceptable to make after-the-fact claims on spending time, such as in this scenario (which essentially is asking how much veto power he wishes to give you when it comes to her).

However, I think these are peripheral issues and, even with these ironed out, your discomfort with his emotional attachment to her will only find other avenues through which to manifest.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/26/2009 12:51:38 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 12

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 12:53:20 PM

Laneychelle

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/3/2009
Status: offline

we are both switches and have played both roles.. the only difference is I don't have any others as I do not have time or energy or money to see them.. he gave me the role as his primary.. i did not request it or demand it.. and until just recently for the past couple months he had been calling me his girlfriend. i entered into this as an open relationship where we could have others so that we could learn more.. he also told me that when he goes somewhere with me.. he would be going home with me and i had a say if anyone else would be coming home with him as well.. monday night is our goth/fetish night and he has been bringing me to it for several months.. i just find it strange that only on this one person has anything changed..

and i have communicated everyone of my feelings on this situation.. numerous times

< Message edited by Laneychelle -- 10/26/2009 12:55:10 PM >

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 13

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 1:06:09 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I know this is going to sound very uncaring of Me, but if you were My sub, the choice wouldn't be in your hands. I would listen to your input and take it into consideration, but the decision would be Mine. As I often say in these matters, I'm the one in charge around here.

I tend to think your discomfort in this matter has a lot to do with your own jealousy and insecurities. The 'just this one' line really doesn't cut it. Nowhere in your post did you mention anything negative the other girl has done that is detrimental, except your feeling threatened by her. What will be your reasoning for the next one? If she wasn't going to be in town tonight, would your wishes for him to be with you be as strong? Or, is it more a matter that you don't want him with her?

It seems to Me that you have accepted the situation when he is with her somewhere else. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to spend time together just because it happens to be in your zip code.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 14

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 1:08:53 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I know this is going to sound very uncaring of Me, but if you were My sub, the choice wouldn't be in your hands.

Despite it being posted in this forum, rather than Poly, I don't get the sense that there is any actual authority dynamic between them.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 1:15:58 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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That could be true, so I'll take it in a different context.

From skimming the posts, the two of them entered this agreed arrangement saying that it was ok for each of them to have separate interests with others. Something similar to what MP and I have. Part of the problem I'm seeing here is it's possible that she wants the benefits of poly when it comes to her having someone, but since she doesn't, it's an issue because he does.

I could be wrong. It's just a suspicion.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 16

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 1:32:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I think that Laney's man needs to grow up. He tells Laney that she's his girlfriend and his primary and that her comfort is more important to her than playing with any other on any given night. But what he does is entirely opposite of what he said. Because he carefully forgot to mention that although she's his girlfriend, he's in love with his ex. And that although he gave Laney veto power, when it comes time for her to use it, he totally disregards it.

His words and his actions don't match up. You don't sound as though you're in love with him, so why stay with someone who has now lied to you?

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 1:45:09 PM

OrionAndi

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Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline

If you are the said Primary Partner, should he not get her to ask you for permission to come over?

If he says you are the primary he should make you feel the primary and this could be a good way of proving you are!

(in reply to Laneychelle)

Post #: 18

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 2:03:58 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionAndi

If you are the said Primary Partner, should he not get her to ask you for permission to come over?

Um...no. That makes no sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionAndi

If he says you are the primary he should make you feel the primary and this could be a good way of proving you are!

If her goal is to exert the superiority of her appointed position and nothing else, sure.

Obviously, his claiming she was his "primary" doesn't mean what she thought it meant. Either they clear it up or she decides his 'version' of it is not compatible with hers and moves on.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to OrionAndi)

Post #: 19

RE: Others and comfort - 10/26/2009 2:31:24 PM

OrionAndi

Posts: 73
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline

Ahh i see! I just thought as she had said she was a switch, so she would have slightly more say in the matter..no?

I dont see how it doesnt make sense though, unless the other doesnt know about her. Im not ploy but i would have thought that the primary sub/slave (especially if switch) would have a say over the other sub/slave...

Like i say though im not Poly so i may have it wrong.

But yeah seems the situation is in need of a little sit down. You need to know exactly where you stand.. same page and all that!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 20

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