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To word it a different way, to totally surrender control to someone is to learn control. To learn control is to be able to exert it on yourself.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

Insofar as whether you're reasons are "right" or not, who exactly are you going to let define that answer for you? Me? Some other faceless stranger on the internet? Trust me on this... bad idea. According to the same crowd, Carol's reasons for submitting are inappropriate and mine for dominating equally flawed. Whatever you're reasons are, if you are open and honest about them before hand and if they work for you and some partner you find, then what could be wrong about them? You'll find arobust sampling of motivation police here.. ignore them.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527
Oh, and you didn't look like an idiot before, you looked like someone who was struggling to understand a concept. Oft-times things work out like that. Frequently, by the time we know enough to ask the right question, we already know the answer. That's just one of god's little jokes on us *chuckles*.

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO

Your other posts give me the impression that you're not an idiot, just not sure of what you want or need.  You seem to be all over the place.

Use this... http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html ...get to a munch, meet people, talk, learn, take the time to discover your wants and needs.

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO
On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues.  I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

24/7 like a boot camp??/

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
For me it is like a vanilla relationship with benefits. Great benefits..... did i mention the benefits??????????????/

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
I don't quite get the giving up control is learning control, unless you are refering to self control, and yes, you have to have some of that. It just doesn't do to say " You want me to do WHAT???? Dom types get a little ticked - even if they laugh at first.

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
One thing you might want to google is sub frenzy. Not saying that that is a problem for you, but new in the lifestyle tends to make individuals a little ... overanxious to experience anything and everything and right away! And you do sound a little ... overenthusiastic!

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ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez

It sounds like you are relatively new/inexperienced in a lot of what D/s is all about. i think it is normal to be a little confused about what you want, how to attain it, and making sure the fantasy isn't more than what real life can give you.

Being a slave can be a wonderful freedom, but it isn't all about sex and games. The right Master will work hard to make you feel safe and cared for at the least. However, he will also have rules (some of which may feel like torture at times) and expectations that you need to make sure you can meet.

As much as you may want to let go of the control, you may also find it a very frightening thing in the process.

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ORIGINAL: i3ear

I have issues that I feel that I need someone like a master in my life to help me through. Not directly, but the fact that I won't have control will help me shape myself.

To word it a different way, to totally surrender control to someone is to learn control. To learn control is to be able to exert it on yourself.

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO

On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues.  I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: i3ear

I have issues that I feel that I need someone like a master in my life to help me through. Not directly, but the fact that I won't have control will help me shape myself.

To word it a different way, to totally surrender control to someone is to learn control. To learn control is to be able to exert it on yourself.

you have a few concepts confused. surrender is called such because you're handing over control. it would be readily assumed it is something you possessed coming in. giving over things that are of no importance is easy and is not surrender, but compliance. when you actually allow another person to touch your personal do not disturb areas and undergo all the feelings of discomfort and fear that accompany that, but do it anyway because your desire to obey is greater than your capacity to resist - that's surrender.

power exchanges are not a cure all for ones inability to manage your life. you may find yourself in the hands of someone more than willing to do so, in a micromanagement sort of way. i wonder if you have considered what that would be like, especially if you lack control in these areas. i'd think that one through first and learn some better coping skills. the better the product coming in, the easier you'll slide into things. if you bring a crap load of junk that must be addressed, guess where you'll be starting? don't assume that will be set aside for all the bells and whistles. those are an outgrowth of hard work. you want your cherry on top, you're going to earn it.

which leads me to the last point. you'll still have to face these things either way. whether you do so on your own or with someone prodding or putting their boot up your butt. also, how long do you think this person is going to keep this tactic? at some point they will expect you to conduct yourself as a functioning adult. my advice is to clean up things beforehand. you'll warrant a better dominant by doing so.

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ORIGINAL: i3ear



Whell I can't speak for other people, but I feel like doing a 24/7 thing would be like being in a boot camp, but waaayy more fun. :-D

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: i3ear

I have issues that I feel that I need someone like a master in my life to help me through. Not directly, but the fact that I won't have control will help me shape myself.

To word it a different way, to totally surrender control to someone is to learn control. To learn control is to be able to exert it on yourself.

you have a few concepts confused. surrender is called such because you're handing over control. it would be readily assumed it is something you possessed coming in. giving over things that are of no importance is easy and is not surrender, but compliance. when you actually allow another person to touch your personal do not disturb areas and undergo all the feelings of discomfort and fear that accompany that, but do it anyway because your desire to obey is greater than your capacity to resist - that's surrender.

power exchanges are not a cure all for ones inability to manage your life. you may find yourself in the hands of someone more than willing to do so, in a micromanagement sort of way. i wonder if you have considered what that would be like, especially if you lack control in these areas. i'd think that one through first and learn some better coping skills. the better the product coming in, the easier you'll slide into things. if you bring a crap load of junk that must be addressed, guess where you'll be starting? don't assume that will be set aside for all the bells and whistles. those are an outgrowth of hard work. you want your cherry on top, you're going to earn it.

which leads me to the last point. you'll still have to face these things either way. whether you do so on your own or with someone prodding or putting their boot up your butt. also, how long do you think this person is going to keep this tactic? at some point they will expect you to conduct yourself as a functioning adult. my advice is to clean up things beforehand. you'll warrant a better dominant by doing so.

Great reply!

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO

On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues.  I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

that's a thread unto itself and i really don't understand that at all. i have never ever approved of such with the people i've mentored. it is a disturbing trend.

porcelaine

I agree which is why I started a thread on a topic similar to this question in the Ask a Mistress forum.  Interestingly, I've gotten a rather mixed bag of responses.  Maybe there are just as many "White Knights" out there as there are those who need saving/fixing.

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power exchanges are not a cure all for ones inability to manage your life

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On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues. I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

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On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues. I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

For the same reason that I use a personal trainer in they gym, and a mentor for my writing... I know what my goal is, but I'm not entirely sure how to get from where I am to where I intend to be when all is said and done.

For people who are drawn to authority-exchange, the process of having an organized and smoothly functioning life is facilitated by having an authority-holder who takes them through at least the first steps, shows them what the next steps are, and provides a feedback resource for both successes and challenges along the way. The ONLY difference between my personal trainer and the dominant party in an authority-exchange relationship is that my personal trainer only guides ONE aspect of my life -- which is why I, personally, use both a trainer and a writing mentor... two key areas of my life that I want to work well, but feel that I was not making sufficient progress on my own to justify going it alone. The authority-holder in an authority-exchange relationship can provide that kind of direction over a much more broad scope of day-to-day existence, for those who are comfortable under that kind of structure (of course, take it from me, it can chafe like heck for those who need a much looser rein!)

Hope that makes sense,
Dame Calla

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues. I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

For the same reason that I use a personal trainer in they gym, and a mentor for my writing... I know what my goal is, but I'm not entirely sure how to get from where I am to where I intend to be when all is said and done.

For people who are drawn to authority-exchange, the process of having an organized and smoothly functioning life is facilitated by having an authority-holder who takes them through at least the first steps, shows them what the next steps are, and provides a feedback resource for both successes and challenges along the way. The ONLY difference between my personal trainer and the dominant party in an authority-exchange relationship is that my personal trainer only guides ONE aspect of my life -- which is why I, personally, use both a trainer and a writing mentor... two key areas of my life that I want to work well, but feel that I was not making sufficient progress on my own to justify going it alone. The authority-holder in an authority-exchange relationship can provide that kind of direction over a much more broad scope of day-to-day existence, for those who are comfortable under that kind of structure (of course, take it from me, it can chafe like heck for those who need a much looser rein!)

Hope that makes sense,
Dame Calla

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO
Thank you, Dame Calla, for taking the time to address this.  Yes, the way you answered my question does make sense.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO
Thank you, Dame Calla, for taking the time to address this.  Yes, the way you answered my question does make sense.

And, just to add to Dame Calla's response. Regarding the "white knight" comment, it is my sincere hope that Carol achieves some useful outcome from my dominance. I'd be a pretty crappy leader if that leadership was not, in some way or another, working out for her. I have no interest in working with the walking wounded, but I certainly have a great interest in "fixing carol's problems" where I'm able. Does that make me a white knight or just a guy who loves a girl?

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ORIGINAL: agirl

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

On a side note, why does it seem that so many people want a master to sort out their issues. I'm not trying to pick on you personally, OP, it just seems to be a recurring theme here.

For the same reason that I use a personal trainer in they gym, and a mentor for my writing... I know what my goal is, but I'm not entirely sure how to get from where I am to where I intend to be when all is said and done.

For people who are drawn to authority-exchange, the process of having an organized and smoothly functioning life is facilitated by having an authority-holder who takes them through at least the first steps, shows them what the next steps are, and provides a feedback resource for both successes and challenges along the way. The ONLY difference between my personal trainer and the dominant party in an authority-exchange relationship is that my personal trainer only guides ONE aspect of my life -- which is why I, personally, use both a trainer and a writing mentor... two key areas of my life that I want to work well, but feel that I was not making sufficient progress on my own to justify going it alone. The authority-holder in an authority-exchange relationship can provide that kind of direction over a much more broad scope of day-to-day existence, for those who are comfortable under that kind of structure (of course, take it from me, it can chafe like heck for those who need a much looser rein!)

Hope that makes sense,
Dame Calla

This is a good description of why I chose this type of relationship style. In many ways it could be said that M has been a life-coach to me. It can sound like an onerous task, but for a person that enjoys seeing someone flourish and achieve, it brings it's own pleasure.

It would be a lie to say that it hasn't its downsides, because it has. You mentioned chafing and for me , it does chafe at times. There have been plenty of instances over the years where I have been metaphorically kicking against the fact that I HAVE to do certain things and the rein doesn't loosen. Once he's decided something is the best for me........then along that path I go, whether I like it or not at the time. And from his side, it can be like plate-spinning at times.

Sometimes people confuse it with micro-management and *fixing* someone but that isn't at all the way it works here. It's being given the tools and motivation to fix yourself and to get where you want to go. There's nothing more satsifying than being dragged along until you find your feet and then breaking out into a run, feeling like a gazelle.

agirl