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lovingpet -> RE: Questioning the answers (10/9/2009 8:22:14 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: IrishMist
This is the first time that I have ever posted a question here, on the general boards; so please bear with me for a bit.
A lot of times, when we answer questions posted by others, we always tend to use our own past experiences to explain an answer. Normally, I don't even think about it. I simply state that this is how it was for me, how it pertains to the question at hand, and that's it. I don't worry about how others actually might view things past that. ( Right/wrong is what I meaning here ) I have never let myself think or believe that what I was saying, might in some way, 'be an agreement' with another for how they may treat their own partner or partners. Chances are, I just refused to think that perhaps something like that could possibly happen. Free will, responsibility and all that.
Any way, yesterday, I received a cmail from a young man, in his early twenties; literally 'cyberly' shaking my hand and patting me on the back for being a willing punching bag for a man for more than 10 years. This young man expressed how happy it was to see that there were others out there like him. In his words ' he was a sadistic dominant man who enjoyed seeing the swelling and bruises on eyes and knowing that he had put them there; that he found enjoyment in the knowing that because he could call himself sadistic, it excused him when he hurt the property that he claimed'.
I will be honest. It almost sickened me to read what he wrote. But what really got to me was the fact that he was almost excusing his behavior simply because he had found, on these boards, a reason to excuse it. And that the simple words I may have typed has helped this along.
For the first time I have actually found something that has gotten to me; and rattled me enough to wonder if I am doing more damage than good to others when I use my own past experiences to help explain something that I am trying to express.
I have never liked labels. Not so much because of the reasons I have given in the past; but because I know, from experience, that none actually apply to me or to my past relationship.
My late husband was not sadistic. Not by a long shot. He was a cruel bastard that got off on the pain, and the control that he exerted over others. He was abusive. He was assertive, harsh, demanding, cruel, egotistical, and selfish.
These things I know. These are things that I knew from the day that I met him. These are things that I allowed because I needed him. I needed that cruelety, harshness...I needed the abuse. I had a fire burning me from the inside out, and he, and his way of doing things, is all that kept it from exploding.
I know I have a tendency to shrug off anyone who thinks or says that a relationship such as that will only destroy. I have a tendency to defend it. And yet, by defending it, I am somehow getting a message across that I am also defending abuse.
Until that message in my mail yesterday, I had never really stopped to think about how others might view what was written.
And dayum it all, it's pissing me off because I am now questioning how I put things in perspective when I answer something on a message board. I am 41 fucking ears old, and never once in my life have I questioned myself, my actions, or how they may affect others. I sure as hell, don't like doing it now.
Fuck, I don't even know what my question is here lol. But I do know, I don't like this feeling one bit. It makes me cranky.
~FR~
What this comes down to is a person who wanted to find some out or justification chose to use your experiences to do it. It could have just as easily been someone else he picked on. It really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone needing an excuse. I could attempt to justify his remarks that he may have meant it more in the way of relief that it wasn't strange to want to do those kinds of things with a partner, but I somehow doubt it.
I try to walk a balance in my posts. I am on some of these outer fringes (not all, and some of them different ones from you or others). I want to remain pretty open and genuine in my answers, but I am fully aware that there are some pretty unbalanced people out there in this world that will take my experiences and perspectives and warp them to suit their own purposes. This means that I don't want to give a view of things that doesn't take into account the pitfalls that can be inherent to something, regardless of how it is working for me. I tend to encourage a spiral down method to things because I know that, in general, most people aren't going to be able to endure certain things the way they had hoped and it is less traumatic to just stop at a comfortable level than to fail and have to go through all the processing that entails.
It is a risk all of us take when we post on these boards that what we say will be used by another in an unwise or unscrupulous manner. The more out there some of our experiences and interests are, the more prone we are to this. This is the first time it has come to your attention that your words were used this way, but I am sure it is far from an isolated incident. You really can't take up some burden of guilt for simply discussing a topic and honestly answering questions. People are responsible for their own actions. What another person does with your words is out of your hands. They will have to deal with the consequences soon enough.
lovingpet
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