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CreativeDominant -> RE: The line between being Dominant and forcing (9/14/2009 2:49:51 PM)
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ORIGINAL: LordDarkPleasure
This is a pattern that I observed in 2 of my relationships, and I would like your opinion on the subject. I am a Dom, that is undeniable in my character. But I also have a strong fear of using this Dominant trait on a submissive in a way that would actually lead to a non-consentual scene, so when I am in doubt about something I will just not do it. Sounds like good sense to me so far. No matter how much we discuss things, there is almost no way that every single thing that we might like to do or choose to do can be discussed beforehand in negotiations or in the getting to know you state. That said, when something arises that causes doubt within me as to how my partner will take it, I will put it aside if in the middle of a scene and discuss it later or, if not in the middle of a scene, discuss it right then. I don't like to leave things "hanging" in my mind as one of two things will happen...it will go away until the next time and then---call it fate, call it bad-timing, whatever---it will occur to me at an inopportune time for discussion. However, I do come back to it later because I look at it this way; if it occurred to me as something I might like to do, then it is going to occur to me again. In order to not spring something totally out of the blue on my submissive, this is why I will bring it up as soon as possible with her.
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I also want to make sure that both partners enjoy whatever we do, and so if my partner tells me that she does not enjoy something, I will just do it less often, or even not do it. Hmmmmm, beginning of a problem here. While it makes a great deal of sense to pick a partner who matches you on the majority of things you like to do, understand that finding someone who matches you on each exact thing---to your exact level---is unlikely. At that point, you have to decide how important something is to you. If it is a deal breaker, well then, you go on your way. If it is not a deal breaker but it is important to you but not so much to your partner, then it is a good idea to discuss with her why it is important to you. If it is not a hard limit for her---she just doesn't like it or it doesn't turn her on---then I see no reason why you should not indulge in it. Whether you care to help her find a way to try and enjoy it or whether you insist that she put forth the effort to enjoy it or whether you enjoy it without her enjoying it is up to you, as is the frequency of occurrence but I would not quit indulging something that is a favorite of mine because your submissive does not like it. That is me, however and I do things differently than you...as will other dominants do things differently from me...and differently from you as well. While I've stated before that a dominant who consistently indulges his wants and desires while not indulging any of his submissive's wants and desires will likely find himself alone sooner or later, I don't believe that a dominant has to make sure that everything that is done in the realm of D/s and BDSM is equally enjoyed by his partner UNLESS that is the dynamic the two of them have set up. For me, it sounds too much like the submissive running the show, without planning the scene or being responsible for it, just by you choosing to not do that which she does not enjoy.
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Now here's the problem: at first we try things and I actually have a much larger range of activities available because the girl is willing to do them to please me, and because she isn't aware of my personnal rules. As time passes and we know each other more, I refrain from doing more and more things that she claims to dislike, to the point where the girl will, consciously or not, abuse this personnal rule to the point that boredom kicks in. How can I avoid or get out of this pattern? I gave you some answers to this above. To put another facet on the unique gem that is your relationship, I would avoid this pattern by not putting her into the position where she can abuse this personal rule of yours. I would spell it out for her in the beginning, as I would any other rule. I would not allow her to dictate, either through words or behaviors, the activities we engage in. If she continues to try and do so, then you are faced with a decision...are you being too lenient in your initial desire to please and draw this submissive to you? Are you giving her too much power at the start and even more as time goes on and you go with her wishes rather than insist that she---as the submissive---serves your wants and you serve her needs? Are you going from the dominant she initially sees---one who is sure and knowledgeable---to one who is easily led by the nose by the submissive?
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Another related question: Dom wants to scene, sub doesn't. But sub also needs wants to feel the partner's Dominance to want to scene. Where do you draw the line between forcing the sub and just being Dominant? how can you tell if you went too far or not?
Just to clarify I am talking about a Dom/sub relationship, not a Master/slave. While I have a lot of power she has a say in things, and we both wouldn't have it otherwise.
I discussed power above. Each couple has to find their own way but in my world, the power exchange is both an equal and an unequal one. I give her dominance and she gives me submission. Equal exchange. But the requirements of each are different. You two define those roles but don't forget that there is a basic definition to start from. It IS a fine line between dominance and domineering and because it is a fine line, I have lots of conversations about all the gray areas around that line. But I also make it clear where that line ends and begins for me and where it begins and ends for her and we agree as to where that line is drawn and what to do when questionable situations come up. I don't allow back and forth...you submit to me on this today but tomorrow you don't because you don't feel good or the sun came up too early or the boss was a shithead, etc.. If you submit today at a certain level, then I expect that level to remain and, as trust is built, to go further. Saying no to something that has been "yes, Sir" in the past, without a very very VERY good reason is a change in the power dynamic we've created and it immediately puts a hold on things until it is thrashed out.
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