RE: Red flags

RE: Red flags (Full Version)

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masterlink65 -> RE: Red flags (9/12/2009 9:57:45 PM)
how many times do you feel awkward during social interaction, and throw off a body language gesture? or say something the other person didnt like? sure, be cautious..... but how many opportunities are you going to let go by in a lifetime? the last slave to come here for interview had been red flagged before it got out of the car. it came here with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. unacceptable behavior. interview did not last 24 hours. next!

porcelaine -> RE: Red flags (9/12/2009 9:58:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MartinP Porcelaine, would you please excuse me while I go to the bathroom and empty my stomach? I am just in the process of decollaring my love and I hate the idea of her falling in the hands of such a honorless man. Our relationship fell apart because of professional reasons -- she finally found the job of her life in Paris, and I really cannot leave Canada. Thank god I have relatives in that town who will take good care of her. Since my grand-mother think highly of her (my mother too), I know my family will help and protect her in any possible way. But she has to ask for it! What you tell me is that some honorless men "masters" hide their plans and slowy but surely move an unwitting woman into an abject situation. I thought that all this has to be safe, sane and consensual, Emphasis on consensual. Of course, we moved gradually, but any move of our bondaries had to be agreed, by both parties. A "non" meant just that, and I will be damned if I go past that, especially with specious arguments. You know Pocelaine, It does not upset that so some called dominants are cheats and liars, there are always some bad apples etc. What really bothers me is that the slaves did not walk away and even construct excuses for the unexcusable. This is simply not acceptable. Porcelaine, thank you for your insight, I am in your debt I remember Martin becoming your slave does not give you the right to do irreparable damage to me. even if it did my defense mechanisms and self-preservation instincts should kick in to prevent the situation from escalating. to be honest i was very disturbed by it all and recognized i saw slavery through very different eyes. i honestly believe it has less to do with their surrender and more about what they felt for themselves and possibly what was missing. for some the concept of being tied to someone constitutes all they've ever wanted. i do not view relationships in this vain and hasten to make anything the center of my world. i don't feel that doing so is very healthy at all. there's another side to this and that is the recognition of ones wants and needs. i am clear about the differences between the two and while i may want to serve, i don't need to do so. it may add a dimension to my life that nothing else can, but at the basest level of definition, submission is a want, not a necessity for my happiness. for me true happiness is found within. the outer elements are in addition to what's already there. i will not fill an internal void with him. porcelaine

happylittlepet -> RE: Red flags (9/12/2009 10:01:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine there's another side to this and that is the recognition of ones wants and needs. i am clear about the differences between the two and while i may want to serve, i don't need to do so. it may add a dimension to my life that nothing else can, but at the basest level of definition, submission is a want, not a necessity for my happiness. for me true happiness is found within. the outer elements are in addition to what's already there. i will not fill an internal void with him. Now this, is quotable. Thank you.

tegen -> RE: Red flags (9/12/2009 10:21:22 PM)
I agree with a lot of the posters here. Lies, an ability to accept responsibility, apologise and admit their faults, every ex being a psycho (how many psycho exes can one person have before they look at their behaviour and think something might be wrong with THEM, seriously?!), telling you that you are saying and doing things you are not, putting you down, abrupt mood changes, uncontrolled anger, needing constant attention and adoration, being very quick to try and extract personal information from you, saying 'if you trust me you would do this', jealousy etc. etc.

zephyrkajira -> RE: Red flags (9/13/2009 1:11:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine while this wasn't an issue before, i question a person's ability and willingness to relocate. employment transfers not withstanding, most people aren't quitting jobs in this economy. which leaves me wondering where you're moving and who's footing the bills. porcelaine Greetings porcelaine, That is not necessarily a red flag for zephyr, it all depends what you are talking about here. If you are talking about a Dom/Master who expects the sub/slave to support him while they find work, absolutely. If the Dom/Master doesn't necessarily need to work - and can prove it - or a job is found before plans are made for him to relocate to her then why would it be a red flag? Finding work in this economy can be very difficult but it is far from impossible depending on the type of work he does. There are so many variables, being willing to relocate in and of itself wouldn't send up a red flag for zephyr. If you are talking about a sub/slave saying that, well what about a situation where the Dom/Master doesn't want their sub/slave to work and instead wants that sub/slave to stay home and take care of the running of the home and is able to support both of them? It's possible to meet someone who is perfect but lives far away; in that case it would be necessary for someone to move. "Willing to Relocate" in the profile in and of itself isn't necessarily a red flag, it all depends on what else is in that profile. After all the bigger the search area, the more likely it is the person will find someone who is compatible and it could really be just that simple. zephyr wishes you well, zephyr

lizi -> RE: Red flags (9/13/2009 6:14:16 PM)
There are a lot of good suggestions in this post. The ones that are the most important to me are honesty, how someone treats their family, if others are always to blame for things that go wrong (taking responsibility for oneself), or someone who turns just about everything into a discussion about sex or brings sex/kink up early and often.

porcelaine -> RE: Red flags (9/13/2009 6:37:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zephyrkajira Greetings porcelaine, That is not necessarily a red flag for zephyr, it all depends what you are talking about here. If you are talking about a Dom/Master who expects the sub/slave to support him while they find work, absolutely. If the Dom/Master doesn't necessarily need to work - and can prove it - or a job is found before plans are made for him to relocate to her then why would it be a red flag? Finding work in this economy can be very difficult but it is far from impossible depending on the type of work he does. There are so many variables, being willing to relocate in and of itself wouldn't send up a red flag for zephyr. If you are talking about a sub/slave saying that, well what about a situation where the Dom/Master doesn't want their sub/slave to work and instead wants that sub/slave to stay home and take care of the running of the home and is able to support both of them? It's possible to meet someone who is perfect but lives far away; in that case it would be necessary for someone to move. "Willing to Relocate" in the profile in and of itself isn't necessarily a red flag, it all depends on what else is in that profile. After all the bigger the search area, the more likely it is the person will find someone who is compatible and it could really be just that simple. zephyr wishes you well, zephyr i'm referencing situations where the person is more than willing to move without little thought or time invested. it simply isn't that easy for most. unless they have large cash reserves, self-employed, have a second home in the intended destination, or have secured employment there. for most people relocating during an economic downturn isn't something they can or would rush into. i saw it as a red flag because it was our first conversation. most reasonably sane and gainfully employed people don't make statements of that nature. the person in question resided in the midwest in an area with a relatively low cost of living. he's going to give that up to go to new york in this economy and live in the city? let's be a little realistic. he never indicated a desire to move to that area. his comment was that if we connected he was willing to move with me. i never gave him the impression that i'd take him in if we hit it off. nor do i entertain offers locally because i'm moving. this was merely some ridiculous conclusion he concocted on his own. while you raise situations that might merit doing such. the reality is that many people are unemployed and you can never know why anyone has truthfully elected to check that box. it is true some are sincere in their ability or willingness to move if a connection arises. but there are plenty who are willing to do so for other purposes. porcelaine

krikket -> RE: Red flags (9/13/2009 6:52:22 PM)
If asked i'd have trouble coming up with a "top ten" because so many of the really good ideas presented here should all be rated #1. While sort of mentioned, the once thing that jumps out is "isolating" the sub from her family, support group, other Domly/subly types who might hold different ideas -- i had this happen and when i finally "woke up and smelled the coffee" it came as quite a shock. i felt a lot of things, betrayal and distrust chief amongst them.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Red flags (10/7/2009 6:54:44 AM)
I think a big red flag is acting like you have concern for a girl in one sentence, and then insulting her in the next. Shows inconsistancy with ethics and someone's personal code, you know the things that honor is built on.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Red flags (10/7/2009 8:17:56 AM)
~FR I have a red flag. I call it my gut. So many things are not absolutes. There is a certain fluidity to life in general. People change, inclinations change, interests change. And heck even the truth changes based on perspective. However, my gut does not change. The only thing there that changes is whether or not I choose to listen to it. Sometimes I haven't in the past with varying degrees of failure. But when I'm settled in myself, I know that my gut will never be wrong. People forgive mistakes of technique but not mistakes of the heart. There is also a difference between privacy and hiding / lying. I try to remember that. There is a book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Good book. Have a great day everyone!

LaTigresse -> RE: Red flags (10/7/2009 9:01:40 AM)
Yes, gut instinct is a lovely thing. I learned a long time ago how invaluable it is. Sometimes there really is no definable "it" that red flag..........sometimes it is simply something that is just felt, just known. I am sure a great deal of that was put together subconsciously by some of the previously named red flags, but however I come to the conclusion of it all, it is there and I heed it.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Red flags (10/7/2009 10:42:18 AM)
You and sunshinemiss bring up a good point that everyone can learn from, especially males. The reason I say especially males is that many that I know, and myself when I was younger, always wanted to have a logically explanation to go along with our intuition. Sometimes that just is not the case, and our sub-conscious (intuition) sees everything and tries to tell us. I actually started learning in my late 20's to early 30's to always pay attention to my "gut", even if I cannot explain it logically. quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Yes, gut instinct is a lovely thing. I learned a long time ago how invaluable it is. Sometimes there really is no definable "it" that red flag..........sometimes it is simply something that is just felt, just known. I am sure a great deal of that was put together subconsciously by some of the previously named red flags, but however I come to the conclusion of it all, it is there and I heed it.

MastersPanda -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 1:44:20 PM)
Like others have said, intuition is a big thing for me. It is an unexplainable gift that should not be taken lightly. It can tell and show you things you never would have thought of otherwise. The few times i ignored it i paid dearly. A couple of huge red flags for me: 1. Isolation. I need my family, friends, and team. I had a master who forbid me to look anyone in the eye, and while that may work for some, it was a huge isolation for me that led to depression and the downfall of our relationship. 2. Secretive Doms. When you say you want to "break me mold me make me into someone else" um . . .what in the hell does that mean! I have no intention of being made into someone else and more than likely damaged along the way 3. Lack of openness and honesty. A M/s relationship needs a lot of communication and honesty to make it grow. If one party isn't sharing and talking, it can put a lot of stress on the dynamic. 4. I ask myself, "Am i happy?" If the answer isn't yes, something needs to be examined. --Master's Panda

oceanwyndsLoves -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 3:08:24 PM)
My gut has not led me wrong for decades, so i follow it too. What i use to consider a Red flag has become lessen in warning. Things do not make sense to me at times and instead of my normal reactions, my gut tells me to be still. If trying to figure out what i am doing now with logic, i would fail, poorly. As with late hubby, nothing made sense, and i just went on my gut into the mystery, and now am in this process with Sir.

DearJessicaD -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 3:45:21 PM)
Here's what I look at: how they treat others. yes, how they treat waitstaff at a restaurant is something I notice, as well as how much they tip. I notice if they hold the door for others. And by others, I mean everyone, not just pretty girls. How they deal with being annoyed by things that come up in life - getting stung by a bee, the market not having food they wanted, etc. If they have a huge ego or if they can laugh at themselves. These may sound obscure, but I like guys who don't have rage issues, who can laugh at themselves, are genuinely nice people.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 6:01:37 PM)
One big red flag for me is someone who spends all our time talking about themselves. I don't need another self-absorbed bore in my life. One (long gone) was enough. I also will notice if their idea of 24/7 is unrealistic, and doesn't allow for me to follow my hobbies - a couple of which are time consuming. I don't wish to subsume myself into someone else, i wish for us to be a couple with a couples interests. And no, being chained at someones feet sounds uncomfortable and boring. Sorry guys, its just not that hot over long periods of time. sigh. Sounds better in print. I too ,have issues with being seperated from my support system - been there, done that (refer to line 1). Have grown from that person, and now require friend time, if wanted.

MstrPBK -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 6:05:32 PM)
Biggest red flag here is the person who asks about me and then does not share comparative information back. The next one after that are those who do not answer questions. MstrPBK St .Paul, MN USA News from the Frogtown Family Lofts and Artists Cooperative: 1. Looking for housing? Why not an Artist Cooperative? 2. The Spring 2010 exhibition has been announced for April 9th, 10th and 11th - in conjunction with the St. Paul Art Crawl.

CaringandReal -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 6:30:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MartinP quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse First and biggest. catch them in a lie no matter how small, hasta la vista baby. At the point where trust is being built such an obvious sign that I can't trust them and it is a no go. Frankly, small lies do not matter much to me, as long as they have no consequences nor are too much an insult to my intelligence. I dated a girl who told me that her former at given her a ferrari, diamonds, but she had lost it at the casino. She was so adorable... What matters for me more is when person is not telling me what he or she should tell me beforehand. For example, on this forum and others, some masters praise themselves for slowing inducing the slave to ever new aspects of servitude. By their own admission, they are not candid about their master-plan (pardon the pun) and do not necesseraly draw for their sub a complete picture of what is to become of her. These are information of great importance kept from the other. Now, this is what I call a nasty lie by omission and a red flag I remember, Martin I agree with you about lies. So many people seem utterly terrified of any sort of dishonesty these days and imbue it with Great Significance. I don't mind a little dishonesty, and i don't interpret it as meaning the other person is rotton through and through, as long I come to understand the reasons for it later (that doesn't mean the other person has to confess in great regret and sorrow to me later all about it, by the way, it means I come to understand it, lol). And sometimes, as you point out in your example, the dishonesty is charming or even creative. I'm a submissive who loves suprises, though, so as long as they do not switch on me, a dominant's unveiling unexpected aspects of his control is a usually an utter delight to me. Not knowing what is to become of me? God, what could be more heavenly? :) I consciously seek out people with that characteristic, in fact. I don't have a lot of personal limits, I've always had a deeply adventurous nature, so the surprises are not generally bad to me, as long as they don't involve making me the one in control. (Hey, I think I've just found my hard limit: "I will not be the boss of you!" Awww, I am not a no-limits sub after all! But I will do the housework. ;) )

CaringandReal -> RE: Red flags (10/8/2009 6:52:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Yes, gut instinct is a lovely thing. I learned a long time ago how invaluable it is. Sometimes there really is no definable "it" that red flag..........sometimes it is simply something that is just felt, just known. I am sure a great deal of that was put together subconsciously by some of the previously named red flags, but however I come to the conclusion of it all, it is there and I heed it. I agree with that definition of gut. Subconsciouses are amazingly good at putting together a myriad of past experiences and observations into a single gestalt in the span of a few seconds.

GYPSYMAMBO -> RE: Red flags (10/9/2009 10:06:10 AM)
OP: 1) lying 2)telling me what they think I want to hear 3)pressing to"serve" right away 4)vague background info/secretive 5)only talks of sex or kink 6)hostile/dramatic family interactions 7)NO outside interests 8)bad manners 9)wierd eye contact 10) certain body language GM

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