Really not that much into sex (Full Version)

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littlesarbonn -> Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 1:12:47 AM)

I've been meaning to write this for some time, but it's one of those things that's been kind of bugging me for awhile. You see, I've been involved with a few women over the years as a submissive; I generally don't get into vanilla relationships, so they all tend to be of a certain nature we all know and love here. Anyway, when I first got involved, many years ago, I used to think kink was a precursor to sex, and then as years went on, I started feeling it was a part of sex. Then, years later, I found myself not all that concerned about sex, but much more interested in the feeling of being controlled rather than the desire to achieve sexual pleasure.

In the last few relationships I was in, I found that I was most comfortable just pretty much being whatever the woman I was involved with wanted me to be. Usually that meant a sexual relationship, but it was always directly on her terms, when and how she desired it. Satisfaction on my part was usually reward based, or in some cases, awarded as an afterthought when she felt it was probably time for it to happen. And I was pretty happy with that.

What I find interesting is that a lot of posts all seem to be about sex, and I wonder if after a certain time when you're not all that reliant on reciprocal sex as a partner-based achievement if it changes the dynamic of a bdsm relationship a lot, especially as I've discovered that women often find it kind of weird and strange dealing with someone who is much more interested in achieving pleasure as a slave in the relationship than a quid pro quo kind of existence.

I guess the reason I ask it is because I often also run into women who seem to go the complete opposite where they are so glad to not have a submissive who is humping their leg looking for sex that they then start to think that sexual release is not even a thought and kind of create an atmosphere where there's almost no sensual interaction whatsoever (like the one that said she wanted me to clean her house when she wasn't there and that if I had any problems, I should deal with her other male slave instead of bothering her...yeah, that sounded exciting....).

Anyway, just a thought as I haven't had a post started in a long time and for the most part, no one seems to respond to my responses to posts anymore. So I felt lonely on the boards. Sniffle. [:)]



CougarStud -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 1:44:47 AM)

Don't sniffle!

I know what you are talking about to a degree.  I got into the lifestyle due to my kinks.  Then I found in time that the dynamics of the power exchange was much more exciting to me than I ever could have imagined. Sex is still a big part but the shift towards power play holds so much more intrigue.



seababy -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 2:01:22 AM)

quote:

and I wonder if after a certain time when you're not all that reliant on reciprocal sex as a partner-based achievement if it changes the dynamic of a bdsm relationship a lot, especially as I've discovered that women often find it kind of weird and strange dealing with someone who is much more interested in achieving pleasure as a slave in the relationship than a quid pro quo kind of existence.



Its a great question.
Wish I had an answer.
I just don't have enough experience to make a comment on this. I am looking forward to reading the thread

.
So why am I posting a response? Because I'm a fan of littlesarbonne and his lonely.

Every time I see his little stick avatar and read his posts I want to hug and squeeze him.

[&:]  <------littlesarbonne after I squeeze him.





StoneFox -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 2:07:28 AM)

I'm about evenly split in terms of my interest. And I WANT to be WANTED (biblically!).

Maybe it's just because I'm still relatively young at 26 years old (and 9 years into my identity as a Domme) but sex is still important to me. Regular sex without power exchange gets boring but regular power exchange without a healthy dose of sex feels too business-like. I like balance in my life.



lally2 -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 3:13:44 AM)

when i started out i could never understand the people who said that BDSM wasnt sexual for them - up to a point i still dont, except that now i know a little more, i can understand how play partners ive met at munch groups who were married to different people, never had sex with their play partner.

when play is intense, emotions and physical energy is so spent so wrung out and satisfied that the act of fucking only becomes part of it if the urge is there, often it isnt, i think its because we are wired to extract so much from the play and the play is so part of our wiring that it gives us the same deep satisfaction that a good old fashioned fucking can. 

having said that, i have to admit, in the past i have been approached by guys who tell me they have ED and no amount of viagra is gonna change that and i know i cant go there.  i need that whole 'empaled' thing.. lol.  spot the person that hasnt had any for a while.  i should be doing housework and painting, thats why ive taken the day off dammit!!

you have to pick today to ask this question! [:)]



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 3:37:41 AM)

I'm not interested in reciprocal sex either, I enjoy it only if part of the power exchange not for its own sake. The power exchange can still arouse me, but it is a lot more than that really, its just an occasional thing. I enjoy being touched but not so much for the sexual release, I like to be found attractive. Its actually something that I am trying really hard to work out in my mind at the moment its a little confusing.



daintydimples -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 4:19:19 AM)

Interesting thread.

I consider myself a sexual submissive (and a sexual masochist), so it's all about the sex for me. I would never submit to someone I wasn't in love and in lust with. Of course, once I reach that point, my own satisfaction is very secondary to being controlled.

I can be submissive in other aspects of my life, but only if the person understands sex is the trigger for me. In that situation the entire relationship becomes one never ending sex session where the anticipation, the sex itself, and the after care all sort of flow together. It's rather easy to control someone in this state.

As a dominant, I'm not interested in having sex with my submissive. I do like to sexually torture them, and but that I mean torture them with the idea that I understand they want me, but will never have me. It's total sexual denial (although not necessarily orgasm denial). This relationship tends to have more S/M components and less D/s and to be rather service oriented.

I suppose I should amend the above to state a *male* submissive.

Fem subs I *do* want to have sex with, and this relationship is more D/s and less S/M. My gender preference is (primarily) for males, though, I'm sort of "bi-lite."

Yeah, I know it's confusing. Switches are complicated, at best.







pompeii -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 4:26:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox
Regular sex without power exchange gets boring but regular power exchange without a healthy dose of sex feels too business-like.


Love that sentence!



canukeepup -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 5:23:40 AM)

confusing but yet interesting.....complex CAN be fun ...even sparks ideas...



MsFlutter -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 5:31:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

when play is intense, emotions and physical energy is so spent so wrung out and satisfied that the act of fucking only becomes part of it if the urge is there, often it isnt, i think its because we are wired to extract so much from the play and the play is so part of our wiring that it gives us the same deep satisfaction that a good old fashioned fucking can. 


Lally speaks truth - and spoke it the way I was thinking it. (LallyTheSmarterCookie!!)



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 5:47:01 AM)

This threads makin me horney![:D]

All joking aside, believe it or not, I havent had sex (with someone else) in over 6 months. I chose this as I do not seek the casual at this point in my life. I have played without pentration and found it much easier to go to subspace without it. I like sex after without the distaction of being penetrated during a scene as it just brings me back into my body and not into the asent. I decided to play without penetration to avoid casual sex. However, I have found that BDSM even without sex leads to a powerful feeling of connection and it was followed by depression during subdrop. So other than being roped up, I havent played because with or without sex, BDSM is a powerfully emotional thing with me, that done with someone that doesnt care just hurts me deep.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 5:59:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I've been meaning to write this for some time, but it's one of those things that's been kind of bugging me for awhile. You see, I've been involved with a few women over the years as a submissive; I generally don't get into vanilla relationships, so they all tend to be of a certain nature we all know and love here. Anyway, when I first got involved, many years ago, I used to think kink was a precursor to sex, and then as years went on, I started feeling it was a part of sex. Then, years later, I found myself not all that concerned about sex, but much more interested in the feeling of being controlled rather than the desire to achieve sexual pleasure.

In the last few relationships I was in, I found that I was most comfortable just pretty much being whatever the woman I was involved with wanted me to be. Usually that meant a sexual relationship, but it was always directly on her terms, when and how she desired it. Satisfaction on my part was usually reward based, or in some cases, awarded as an afterthought when she felt it was probably time for it to happen. And I was pretty happy with that.

What I find interesting is that a lot of posts all seem to be about sex, and I wonder if after a certain time when you're not all that reliant on reciprocal sex as a partner-based achievement if it changes the dynamic of a bdsm relationship a lot, especially as I've discovered that women often find it kind of weird and strange dealing with someone who is much more interested in achieving pleasure as a slave in the relationship than a quid pro quo kind of existence.

I guess the reason I ask it is because I often also run into women who seem to go the complete opposite where they are so glad to not have a submissive who is humping their leg looking for sex that they then start to think that sexual release is not even a thought and kind of create an atmosphere where there's almost no sensual interaction whatsoever (like the one that said she wanted me to clean her house when she wasn't there and that if I had any problems, I should deal with her other male slave instead of bothering her...yeah, that sounded exciting....).

Anyway, just a thought as I haven't had a post started in a long time and for the most part, no one seems to respond to my responses to posts anymore. So I felt lonely on the boards. Sniffle. [:)]



I had to quote you so that I didn't have to keep scrolling up to remember what you said... old age sucks sometimes!!

I absolutely loved your line about the submissive humping our leg looking for sex!! That's exactly how it feels sometimes!! My interest in sex is pretty much non-existant at this point, but I'm pretty sure I've figured it out and someone else here nailed it... vanilla sex is just plain boring. I do get interested when I have that submissive/slave mindset around me. Being one that consistantly NEEDS to know why I'm feeling the way I am I've come to the conclusion that it really is all about the power.

A long time ago (and probably recently, I have to admit I no longer pay attention to those kinds of threads) there were countless threads about dominant females and how incredibly self-centered we sounded when we said things like "It's all about me." Well, I analyzed (wow, that word looks wrong to me... is it?) that concept and why so many s-types saw it as wrong and for a long time I thought... well, maybe they are right? You know? Then I came to the conclusion that nope... I don't think they are right. I have an equal relationship with my husband, with my family and with my friends. Apparently that isn't what "completes" me. It really is a case of yeah, it IS all about me! I can't be happy with an s-type that believes otherwise. When I do decide that I want sex I want it to be on my terms, when I say, how I say and it will stop when I say... period it! I've found that I don't really care if they wake up so horny they could hump the couch, that isn't my problem nor my concern and I absolutely refuse to be made to feel guilty about it! And as far as I'm concerned they better not act like it either. It is absolutely all about the power. I want to tease without mercy, I want to see the frustration in their faces, I want to put off and put off until that time when I want to complete it.

And (now I'm really pushing buttons, I'm sure) I honestly believe that if more people felt the way I do and were honest about it relationships would go so much smoother in this type of dynamic. I'm not looking for spiced up 'nilla nor watered down M/s, that isn't what makes me happy, and it is, after all, all about what makes me happy, right? I mean, why else would I do it?

Sarbonn, it's early, but I really appreciate you bringing this up and starting this thread! Wow, did you spark some thought processes here!

Jewel



OneMoreWaste -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 7:04:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
In the last few relationships I was in, I found that I was most comfortable just pretty much being whatever the woman I was involved with wanted me to be. Usually that meant a sexual relationship, but it was always directly on her terms, when and how she desired it. Satisfaction on my part was usually reward based, or in some cases, awarded as an afterthought when she felt it was probably time for it to happen. And I was pretty happy with that.
(snip)
I guess the reason I ask it is because I often also run into women who seem to go the complete opposite where they are so glad to not have a submissive who is humping their leg looking for sex that they then start to think that sexual release is not even a thought and kind of create an atmosphere where there's almost no sensual interaction whatsoever (like the one that said she wanted me to clean her house when she wasn't there and that if I had any problems, I should deal with her other male slave instead of bothering her...yeah, that sounded exciting....).


I think that's the rub. There is a percentage of women who have essentially no interest in sex*. Being Dominant gives them the freedom to be in a relationship without that burden, but does still limit their choice of partners. Since as you said you're willing to be what your Dominant wants you to be, and aren't focused on sex, you're an attractive partner for them; however, it's still an issue of individual interests- it's inevitable that some will take that further than you personally want to go.

Myself, I think I've only had actual sex 3 or 4 times this year, and I'm generally OK with that as long as I get to do BDSM a few times a month and "take care of myself"- the biggest problem, really, is the feeling of being unwanted. And, of course, coming here and seeing "all submissive men care about is sex" on every third post. [8|]


* They're known as "wives"
*rimshot*



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 7:42:16 AM)

BDSM is very much tied to my sexuality (no pun intended!). Since my boy and I are in a romantic, long-term relationship, the two will always go together. That's not to say that the everyday things are sexually arousing, but when we set out to do a scene, it's about the sex in the end.



califsue -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 7:46:20 AM)

Interesting post...as I find myself in the same spot. I am much more into the pain/pleasure play and the mental/emotional connection which may include sex once in awhile.
I have a several Doms that I have a friendship with and they want a sexual nymph who wants sex day and night and the harder they push the more I tune out.
I don't know if it is my age, starting to go through the change, the outside stressors in my life are playing into that or not. On another site they had a question about
how important the sexual was and the majority of the responses it was an 8 to 10 level. I would say for me it is 5 or less at this point in my life.
I feel bad that my sex drive seems to be waning.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 8:03:59 AM)

quote:

...In the last few relationships I was in, I found that I was most comfortable just pretty much being whatever the woman I was involved with wanted me to be. Usually that meant a sexual relationship, but it was always directly on her terms, when and how she desired it. Satisfaction on my part was usually reward based, or in some cases, awarded as an afterthought when she felt it was probably time for it to happen. And I was pretty happy with that...


when this slave was completely new to all the terminology that folks use around here, she thought the above paragraph was what defined "submissive"...and was overjoyed that there were folks out there that could appreciate such an arrangement.
 
her observations since then have been that the above paragraph is not what most who wear the label of submissive are about...and furthermore, not what most who wear the label of dominant are seeking.



Andalusite -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 8:11:29 AM)

When I've played casually before, with either men or women, there wasn't any sexual release involved. I would even safe out (or stop play/switch to doing something else, if I were topping), if I got too turned on. I just found a new playpartner, and she and I are on the same page with this, as she's not looking for sexual contact either. It helps that we've known each other for a few months already, and are friends. My Master and I are sexual within our relationship, but I'm not into casual sex.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 8:16:28 AM)

I've been refraining from posting as much -- but I have always had a healthy respect for littlesarbonne's posts, and this one is no different, so I felt compelled to throw my hat into the ring (Oh, how I wish there were decent milliners still about!)

I am simply not motivated by sex, period. It may be a fun distraction for me, but it really isn't a huge consuming factor in my mind. I've learned, over the course of a lifetime, not to say "never", but in general, I don't have romantic relationships with those over whom I hold power, and sometimes, it is somewhat difficult for me to get past that hurdle and develop a sexual-but-non-romantic interaction, and really it feels like the potential for complications becomes -so- high when trying to define power-based, non-romantic, but not casual sexual play... See, I am not inclined at -all- to casual sex, and when I'm in an authority-exchange relationship, retaining my authority is -the- big deal for me, and the really important part of the relationship -- I truly -am not- looking for a mate, lover, spouse, etc... I'm looking for a servant. I hope to have one I can cherish and care for ... and even have sex with... but xhe would always be my servant -first-, and that's what I want.

I've had a couple of servants over the years with whom I enjoyed having sex as part of our relationship, but the thing that made it great, from my end, was that the sex was, in a very complex way, an extention of, say, the phenomenal care and diligence they gave when serving high tea or formal dinner -- of course the ACT was different... but it didn't muck up our dynamic when we included sex as part of the package, and that is, in my experience, just very, very rare. Most of the times that I've tried, it has completely bungled up the works -- the only way that I can explain it is that once I took hir to bed, the servant stopped thinking of hirself as my servant, and started thinking of hirself as my -lover-. Hir expectations changed, but mine didn't... and suddenly, what was a very functional, satisfying (at least within my mind and to all outward appearances) relationship became muddy and annoying and simply untenable -- until either I was compelled to release the individual or xhe decided that my sporadic sexual exploration just -wasn't- the way to treat a lover and xhe moved on.

These days, I really don't -want- to say "sex is off the table", because really, it is a beautiful and enjoyable form of service -- but I would dearly -adore- finding someone who didn't lose hir mind or hir service orientation just because I came to care for hir enough that I was comfortable adding sexual service to the dynamic, and because the experience has been -so- aggravating on the whole, and because, frankly, I'm still comparing to those three near-perfect situations that really -did- function, I find myself saying "don't even talk about sex" when that really isn't what I mean -- or want.

Gosh, I hope that made any sense at all. Thank you, littlesarbonne, for the thought-provoking post. I may have to include parts of this in my profile, now that I think about it, because it really did help me to explain a lot of what goes on in this brain.

Dame Calla



sexisubi -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 8:30:43 AM)

i think when people get involved in bdsm they all think ooh dominance, and when you have someone who is a young submissive or a young master i dont think they fully get it.

for example when i was in my relationship of two in a half years he told me there was no way i could be submissive ever... it hurt so after the relationship thats what i went looking for, finding a 24/7 bdsm relationship with someone else, i loved it! i had much more fun, i enjoyed the challenges that were put forth everyday. it made life less mondain, my X also tried to get a submissive but again was told he failed in that department. however i dont think hes not dominate i just think different strokes different folks i like certain things and he likes certain things and his ideas were different from mine creating a less dominate roll (except for certain weeks) and more of a vanilla relationship.

i feel that a lot of people feel obligated to make it sexual cause they dont always understand the out of bedroom stuff.

i used to always want to be 'punished' you know, but later you realize that punishment isnt what you are looking i was just looking for kink. i guess my main point here is with time comes understanding and it depends how much you want to get into it, and that can vary from person to person.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Really not that much into sex (8/27/2009 9:50:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...In the last few relationships I was in, I found that I was most comfortable just pretty much being whatever the woman I was involved with wanted me to be. Usually that meant a sexual relationship, but it was always directly on her terms, when and how she desired it. Satisfaction on my part was usually reward based, or in some cases, awarded as an afterthought when she felt it was probably time for it to happen. And I was pretty happy with that...


when this slave was completely new to all the terminology that folks use around here, she thought the above paragraph was what defined "submissive"...and was overjoyed that there were folks out there that could appreciate such an arrangement.
 
her observations since then have been that the above paragraph is not what most who wear the label of submissive are about...and furthermore, not what most who wear the label of dominant are seeking.


I dont quite agree with  what you say,  but I do agree that this is so with most Male submissives.  Most (but not all) Males dominant and submissives are all about the sex and less about the connection.

But I do wonder....that although the slave Beth is indeed very submissive, how she would feel if she wasnt being fully used by her Master and leading a celibate life? I do not identify as slave, but I do know that if I was pleasing a master but he wanted nothing to do with me sexually, I would not feel like I was good enough and my self esteem and worth would suffer. The full use does make one feel beautiful, sexy and valued? 



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