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Generation gap - 8/21/2009 5:33:07 PM

slaveboyforyou

Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
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I love my father to death. He put a roof over my head, and he was always there. But I have to say, we don't agree on anything. I have had physical confrontations with the man over politics. I'm serious, it's happened. He's a Vietnam vet. He was an officer. He started out as a 2nd Liet. in charge of a platoon and moved on to a Captain in charge of a company in less than a year. He was a grunt, and I respect that. I love him to death. But, we don't get along. I am a polar opposite to him with politics. When I was a kid, he was my idol. I went along with everything he said. Now I don't. I disagree with him about everything. He's 65 years old. He'll be dead soon. We don't talk like we used to. I want to talk to him like that again, because I know the end is coming soon (we don't live past 75 in my family.). How do I do that? I feel more distant from him everyday, and we used to be really close.

Post #: 1

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 5:36:10 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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What you describe is so similar to me and my dad, it used to be that my opinions were his. As my own opinions developed a gap grew between us, we are opposites now which is fine. I try to not talk politics with him, because when we don't we get along well. I would never want what we had back, we were too similar and now I see how trapped I was into it.

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Post #: 2

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 5:41:06 PM

DarkSteven

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What other things could the two of you talk about?

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Post #: 3

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 5:44:56 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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sb, you tell him what you just told us. And go from there.

Avoid the political stuff. Neither of you is going to change your views on it, so focus on what you can find common ground on.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 5:51:52 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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This is just a matter of not discussing hot topics. Heck.. I lived with republicans! We never discussed politics, I don't know sports and choose instead to do other things, I don't make my mates or family indulge me in Barbie talk. Pick and chose.
Really that is the key to getting along.

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 5

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 6:00:51 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
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First... he will not be dead soon...65 is not that old...expect at least another 20 years.

Look... are politics THAT important to you?...Why not just set down...say " Dad we don't agree on politics and I don't want to argue...I love you...lets just talk about other things and leave politics out of it"

I'll bet he would agree

Butch

_____________________________

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(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 6

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 6:16:00 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
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Tell him you love him.

He is a warrior. You are a slave. Of course your views differ. The composition of your minds differ.

Is he aware that you are a slave? If he knew, he might understand you better. You on the other hand have to realize that the truths of a warrior from his perspective are equally valid as those of anybody else from their perspective.

In my model of human genetics the warrior is one type of human that may beget a slave - and vice versa.

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 7

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 6:57:47 PM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

I love my father to death. He put a roof over my head, and he was always there. But I have to say, we don't agree on anything. I have had physical confrontations with the man over politics. I'm serious, it's happened. He's a Vietnam vet. He was an officer. He started out as a 2nd Liet. in charge of a platoon and moved on to a Captain in charge of a company in less than a year. He was a grunt, and I respect that. I love him to death. But, we don't get along. I am a polar opposite to him with politics. When I was a kid, he was my idol. I went along with everything he said. Now I don't. I disagree with him about everything. He's 65 years old. He'll be dead soon. We don't talk like we used to. I want to talk to him like that again, because I know the end is coming soon (we don't live past 75 in my family.). How do I do that? I feel more distant from him everyday, and we used to be really close.

3 topics to avoid in any company:

Politics

Religion

Sports

It really does make life MUCH easier.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 8

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 8:25:40 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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You know its funny, my Dad and I disagree on a lot of things, but somehow we never fight. His opinions are based on such firm logic and often vast experience in public life (he's met Mao, had breakfast with Reagan, etc. etc.) that while he rarely persuades me, I always learn something valuable from our talks. We discuss politics and religion calmly, exchanging ideas and thoughts rather than trying to persuade each other.
Tell your Dad how you feel, and just talk with him, and the next time a contentious issue comes up, instead of arguing with him, ask him why he feels the way he does, ask him what in life taught him that lesson....you will learn something valuable, both about your Dad and about the issue.
Good luck, I hope you can find a way to do this, because it sounds to me like he has a wealth of life experience that you have no access to, and it would be a pity to deny yourself that wisdom for the sake of an argument.

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(in reply to Aylee)

Post #: 9

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 8:51:13 PM

Loki45

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Joined: 5/13/2009
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Edited to add: This was a fast reply to the OP.

"I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling sometime." -- Bender, "The Breakfast Club."

My dad's a vet and a complete jackass. I could list the ways, but I shant. Needless to say, my stepmom has come to understand and know that I love her, but I will not see her outside a 'family gathering' because I have no desire to see my father. I don't speak to him at said gatherings anymore other than exchanging monosyllabic greetings or acknowledgements. I don't even answer the phone when he calls. My step mom knows that if she wants to talk to me, she has to call from her cell phone. Because if the caller ID lists their house phone, I won't answer.

My sister, being previously similarly fed up with my dad had a conversation with him where she 'laid down the law' about if he wanted to be in her life or not and to act like it (brought about I'm sure by his getting older and desiring to 'connect' with his kids).

Me being me, I don't believe I can have a similar 'chat' with my dad, because I'm absolutely 100% sure it would come to blows. I Just have way too much to dislike him for and that list isn't getting any shorter. One of the reasons I don't talk to him much, even at family gatherings is that he likes to use the phrase "Aww hell, I didn't raise you to.....x, y, z." And it takes every fiber of my being not to snipe back "You didn't RAISE me at all, jackass."

It's funny, people read my misogynistic views here and proclaim that I must hate my mother. Actually, I have two GREAT mothers. I have a jackass for a father. Tis both my 'father' and my views on relationships why I know I will never reproduce. To reproduce, you must first find a girl you can stand to be around longer than 5 minutes (and vice versa) *and* you must have some inner desire to pass on your genes. Considering the source of my genes, I'd rather not pass them on.

_____________________________

"'Till the roof comes off, 'till the lights go out
'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 10

RE: Generation gap - 8/21/2009 10:13:45 PM

corsetgirl

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Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

Slaveboy:

Like your father, mine was a veteran and we used to disagree on a lot of things but in the end, we had a lot of respect for each other. My father was there for me when I separated from my then husband (who is now my ex) and the only thing I could say is spend some time with him. Tell him how much you love him and that you appreciated his being there for you.

It is never too late. During one time, I was unemployed for three months and helped my mother take care of my father. I truly got to know my dad and I still miss him to this day as it will be 4 years ago in September since he died.

The thing is life is too short and even though, you two might disagree, there is still time to just be with each other.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 8/21/2009 10:15:04 PM >

(in reply to Loki45)

Post #: 11

RE: Generation gap - 8/22/2009 6:54:06 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Instead of sitting down and talking, what about things you could do together? Does he play golf, go fishing etc? That way you can talk about the activity and not that much other stuff. Beyond that, ask about his childhood, distant family. Get him to tell stories.

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Post #: 12

RE: Generation gap - 8/22/2009 8:06:25 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

My younger sister and I never got along. We spent the first 40 years of my life either arguing about something, talking, but secretly thinking the other one was an idiot, or not talking at all, for as much as 3 years at a time. Then one day I was talking to one of her daughters, who was 11 at the time, and she told me how she was fighting with HER sister, and said she told her, "We're going to end up just like Mom and Aunt Pam!"

Well, that was my kick in the ass, what a great example we had set for my nieces, and I made her put my sister on the phone. We began mending fences then, have adopted an "agree to disagree" attitude, and now, over ten years later, we're best friends. We still secretly think the other one is an idiot, but we've been through the deaths of our parents together, the births of our grandkids together, we've even managed to survive a couple of vacations together. And I am so glad we have. One of my treasures is the birthday card she sent me two years ago, one of those mushy ones that said something along the lines of how much she loves me because of the person I am.

For the love of God, if both of you can't be an adult, at least one of you can. Please, sit down and accept your dad for who he is. If he says something you don't agree with, just smile at him and change the subject. Play golf or badminton or croquet together and have a friendly rivalry. In 50 years, no one is going to care what either of your political views were, and it won't matter anyway. And, if he does die in 10 years, you'll be crying at his funeral, not suffering in stoic silence because the two of you couldn't get over your differences.

Do it. You'll be glad you did.

_____________________________

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Post #: 13

RE: Generation gap - 8/22/2009 9:17:59 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I am somber today.

Your bliss is baffling right now!

Time is not on anyones side.

You make things right between you and I mean NOW!

Be a MAN!

Make things right.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 14

RE: Generation gap - 8/22/2009 7:57:02 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

I love my father to death. He put a roof over my head, and he was always there. But I have to say, we don't agree on anything. I have had physical confrontations with the man over politics. I'm serious, it's happened. He's a Vietnam vet. He was an officer. He started out as a 2nd Liet. in charge of a platoon and moved on to a Captain in charge of a company in less than a year. He was a grunt, and I respect that. I love him to death. But, we don't get along. I am a polar opposite to him with politics. When I was a kid, he was my idol. I went along with everything he said. Now I don't. I disagree with him about everything. He's 65 years old. He'll be dead soon. We don't talk like we used to. I want to talk to him like that again, because I know the end is coming soon (we don't live past 75 in my family.). How do I do that? I feel more distant from him everyday, and we used to be really close.

He may not even know you feel this way. He may think because the two of you have not gotten along or not been able to talk with out conflict in so long that you no longer feel about him as you did when you were a child and looked up to him.

Tell him exactly what you posted here. It is real, it is heartfelt. Give him time to digest it and I bet it will open the door to the very communication you use to have with him when you were younger.

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 15

RE: Generation gap - 8/22/2009 8:51:42 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

You can always agree to disagree. There's nothing wrong with that. Tell him "Dad, the most important thing is that you raised me to think for myself. Weither I'm right or wrong, I know that you can be proud that I'm man enough to make my own choices and stick with them."

He can't be mad at you for making choices when it was he who laid all the options on the table for you to think about.

Anyways, me and my dad have always had many opposite views. But rather than always fight, we only challenge each other in debates and acctually find fun in it.

I remember an athiest who had to use a church day care to drop her son off at. It was the only day care that would fit into her budget and work schedule. She deiced it would be okay since she wanted her son to grow up and learn first hand how a belief in a god is pure nonsense. Unfortunatly for her, the son later became a member of the church in his teens and is now a youth minister. She wanted her son to have options but also wanted him to make only her recomended choices.

The bottom line is to get past the double standard crap. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing anymore. Instead, it's about respecting and continuing to love each other. As long as you two can respect each other, you can continue to have a great father/son relationship.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 16

RE: Generation gap - 8/23/2009 5:20:07 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Sit down and talk to him and say "dad remember how we used to talk when I was a kid? I want it to be like that again. Let bygones be bygones and let's agree to disagree."...and then don't talk politics or religion. Keep the conversations to topics you won't argue about.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 17

RE: Generation gap - 8/24/2009 2:22:32 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
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You have some great advice here, either tell him how you feel and/or find an activity or project you can experience together that has nothing to do with politics. Focus on what you share not what divides the 2 of you.

Edited to add -

How about having a series of interviews with him and having him share his personal history and stories from his life, record it all on DVD and distribute amongst the family for the hollydays?

< Message edited by Vendaval -- 8/24/2009 2:30:48 AM >

_____________________________

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 18

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