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Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 10:08:34 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
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From: California
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That particular tool in dealing with people, "praise in public, correct in private", is one that I have always adhered to, whether it is in the workplace or at home. Scrolling through the recent journal entries on the other side, I came across a man who chastised his girl on both his journal and on hers (same entry). I wrote to him to suggest that perhaps this was not a good idea, citing this particular saying.

And that got me to thinking, because absolutes are rarely, if ever, absolute. Is there a situation or a time where correcting in public is preferable to correcting in private? Unless humiliation as a dom is your kink (and if so, we have a cake to cure that

)... would there ever be a reason?

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

Post #: 1

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 10:26:06 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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people love to get mad at words on a screen- fret on it and cause devious and unnice tactics to make someone have a bad day- based on words on a screen.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 2

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 11:12:05 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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When working with kids, if they are mucking about and doing something dangerous you dont always have time to pull them aside you have to tell them off there and then

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 3

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 12:13:12 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
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Yes. I feel there absolutely is a reason to correct now, even if it's in public and not later. And it's not just preferable, but suitable and necessary, and I won't go into every contingency possible, as to why it'd be nessisary, but saftey would be one of them. And effectiveness would be another, If I did something while we were out, and I was regressed and very child like* and it has happend, this isn't a hypothesis* and I did something in little space, It would not teach me anything to wait untill we were home to discipline or correct. Half the time I'm not in little space any more before we get home, and if you do not redirect me NOW I will continue to behave in a way that you don't like, because I do not see anything wrong with what I am doing. Like telling you in the middle of lunch "the ranch looks like cum Daddy" Or touching everything in site because when I am regressed I am literally like a child, and am childish and not really thinking with an adult mindset.

It's not always about humiliation to correct now instead of waiting. Sure it can be but not always, A good dom * now keep in mind good is only referes to good for me and not a judgment on any one else*would be about correction when effective.

Note that I feel that's very different than taking in online and airing all your dirty laundry for every one onsite to see, because I feel there's not much of a reason to do that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

That particular tool in dealing with people, "praise in public, correct in private", is one that I have always adhered to, whether it is in the workplace or at home. Scrolling through the recent journal entries on the other side, I came across a man who chastised his girl on both his journal and on hers (same entry). I wrote to him to suggest that perhaps this was not a good idea, citing this particular saying.

And that got me to thinking, because absolutes are rarely, if ever, absolute. Is there a situation or a time where correcting in public is preferable to correcting in private? Unless humiliation as a dom is your kink (and if so, we have a cake to cure that )... would there ever be a reason?

Cali

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 8/18/2009 12:18:14 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 4

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:03:29 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Is there a situation or a time where correcting in public is preferable to correcting in private?

Yes, in my opinion. If someone said something really racist or offensive, I would have no problem "correcting" them right there in the moment, rather than acting like I was accepting of it and then "correcting" them later in private. Some things just matter too much and to permit someone to get by with behavior like that unchallenged just doesn't seem right to me..........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 5

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:15:19 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Master can correct me in public without anyone ever knowing...could be a word, could be a look, could be the way he tells me to do something that he knows I hate but yet is completely innocent to everyone.

Sometimes the simplest of notions are all that's needed.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 6

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:19:58 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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Since this in off-topic, i am assuming that it includes non-bdsm situations (yes, i know what assuming makes

)

One time i will correct anyone is in surgery when something is contaminated. Needs to be corrected right away and to hell with hurt feelings.

The rest of the time - i will pull someone to my office (bathroom) and ask what the hell they were thinking.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:28:32 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I believe in both. I call the public part addressing the issue at hand. I call the private part resolving the problem. Issues not addressed immediately escalate. The further some kind of response is from the actual behavior, the less effect it has. I would much rather praise the UM's for sitting so nicely at the table in the restaurant, but I will address it if they are disruptive immediately. This may be in the vein of fixing a problem they are having (squirming needing to go to the bathroom, etc) or voicing my disapproval for poor behavior that has no reason. At home we will discuss what a better way of handling things would have been in either case (need or poor behavior). Other consequences also follow, but my goal is to stop the progression of a bad situation at the time and to prevent it from occuring in the future. Praise is far more effective than punishment, but in the end if negative consequences are warranted, then I will do what has to be done.

I don't really see it any differently with adults. I can address something respectfully and in a discrete manner. I can also then sit down and have a full discussion to resolve the conflict as well. There's a time and place for everything. There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. I would much rather be able to enjoy the company I am keeping and even brag about them to other, but, again, I have no qualms about speaking up when something inappropriate is going on. My hopes are the same as with the little people, I want to keep a bad situation from getting worse and I hope to see to it that it doesn't have to happen again.

As far as the particular example, I think putting stuff like that out to a bunch of strangers is just useless. I don't see it resolving anything. Different strokes and all I guess.

lovingpet

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 8

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:52:06 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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Stopping a child from hurting themself isn't what I mean by correcting. You can stop them and pull them aside and then correct them. By "in public" I mean with witnesses or with an audience. Even dealing with the behavior of a "little" doesn't have to be done with an audience.

I see certain examples as a two-step process. The first step is stopping the behavior immediately and the second step is then discussing the cause of the behavior. Kiwi, in your example, of course you would speak up to correct the error. But would you then go on to discuss with this particular person why this keeps happening day after day, right there in front of everyone? Of course you wouldn't, you would step into the bathroom. LOL.

So I guess I wasn't expressing myself very well... I was looking for examples of where the chastisement (for lack of a better word... the discussion of why this is happening) would be appropriate to be done with an audience or "in public".

And I suppose I was thinking of situations where one person has some power or control (or in the case with kids, the illusion of control, LOL) over another. The workplace, with children, in a D/s relationship, etc. It hadn't occurred to me to think about how (or if) this would apply to friends... thinking of luci's example of racist remarks. I would tackle that one head-on as well.

Thanks for the input. Interesting discussion.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 9

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 3:53:15 PM

CalifChick

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From: California
Status: offline

Oops, lovingpet, somehow I skipped over your post. You articulated what I was thinking as well.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 10

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 4:59:22 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Hi Cali.

I would generally try to arrest the wrong behaviour with a look, then address it in private, unless I was really pissed lol.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 11

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 5:09:08 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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If you just kick the living dogshit outta them once or twice, I don't think this sorta thing would come up very often after that. Could be a non-issue, if you get my drift.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 12

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 5:15:22 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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I wouldn't do it, nor would I tolerate it. I believe in a particular amount of presenting a unified face to the world regardless.
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 13

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 5:22:32 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I have seen people use the journals for many reasons and correction... whether I saw it as right or wrong... correction there has been a big part of it all. For me and from what I saw, most of it was a blatant ego flunting itself. Journal entry after journal entry, that quickly might take up pages of all the entries, went on and on about who did what and what was wrong and how they would be corrected using their journal. Pages and pages of slavemeat having to type a lesson like with chalk and a chalk board... like that is hard to do! All you have to do is a click here and there and you have the chore done in moments without even typing a second one. But for pages of the entries that are now available to us all... we all get to share in their highlighted ego and trampling of their slavemeat.

It is all rather silly in my opinion. I sometimes want to suggest that they keep that shit to themselves and not punish others with their high school game of d/s. Ahh... but then I am old and cranky some days...

It would take something extreme outside of this site to make me correct my submissive in public and then it would surely be a look or a couple words he would know well because he knows me and even if he hasn't yet seen that look or heard those words... he would know. He is an adult and doesn't need it all spelled out! It ain't rocket science. The thing is, that most often if someone is out of line, they know it and that alone would tend to make me consider even more than what had just happened.

If I ever have to come down hard publically... most likely there is a good chance it would be the very last time I did! It is all a matter of choice and if an adult cannot handle themselves as an adult and be aware... then I may leave him standing with the kindergarden group of misfit adults and be on my way to new and better experiences.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 8/18/2009 5:23:29 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 14

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 11:18:51 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

FWIW, the person that prompted my brain gears to start grinding took down the journal entry, and sent me a thank you note. The post wasn't so much about the journal entry, as about the whole concept of public/private praise and correction.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 15

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 11:25:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Many people consider journals to be private. Yes they can be read by anyone who sees the profile, but mostly they aren't except by friends.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 16

RE: Praise in Public, Correct in Private - 8/18/2009 11:47:50 PM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
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FR

I too assume that this means "normal" things. I tend to brush praise off, whether in public or private. Even though I am a switch, I have an extremely dominant personality, yet I take correction very well, if a point is proven to me. Remember I said TO ME. Cites and quotes from leading science researchers do not sway me much, get all the letters after your name you want, in the end it is I who decides which are apt.

This has happened, but to address it it BDSM, I never went there, even with Chellie. She is strong, but what y'all say on this board applied in spades. Submission is a gift. And brother was it. If you knew me in person, and her you would see this. One thing we had in common, that bottoming is like a release. It absolves one of all responsibility for a time. Like a rest.

I don't know if any others see it as I do/we did, but so what. Right ?

Note: Chellie and I broke up long before I joined CM.

T

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 17

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