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stella41b -> RE: insecurities (9/1/2009 11:47:00 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Because, frankly, I'm doing the math here, and the amount of time just doesn't add up to "relationship." You were "getting to know" someone, not "in a relationship" with someone.
Red, I like and enjoy your posts but I have to disagree here. What is the difference between 'getting to know someone' and being 'in a relationship' with them? When does 'getting to know someone' change and become a 'relationship' when the original intention is to have a relationship? 2 weeks? 6 weeks? 6 months? 2 years? 5 years?
I have a different opinion here, based on what I see around me. People end relationships between each other after one date, some don't even get that far, some after a year, some after 5 years, and even people can get divorced after 25 years of marriage.
This suggests to me that 'getting to know someone' and being 'in a relationship' with them are synonymous and interchangeable. It's a continuous or gradual, ever changing process and remains as such for as long as the relationship lasts. This is so I believe because we continually change, mature, develop and grow older.
Any relationship is only as good as to how well the two people involve get to know each other and maintain contact and communication and how much they maintain that intention of wanting to be together and showing each other that commitment.
It's got less to do with the amount of time they've spent together but far more to do with what lies inside them and their willingness to share their lives and honour that commitment to each other.
quote:
But... I don't self-identify as emotionally insecure, and I don't complain about current or former partners on the internet. The couple you know who got married after a few days... I'm guessing you would consider them emotionally grounded and mature. Is that right? Because, if so, that seems to be a different situation from what's going on here.
Here I partially agree with you about complaining about current or former partners online, but you never know, the OP might not have anyone in her life who she trusts enough to share her concerns with. There's a lot of lonely, isolated people out there Red who maybe share the same view, maybe even the OP does herself, but they don't have any other choice in their circumstances.
And while maybe you don't self-identify as emotionally insecure a lot of people do, and especially when they're in the process of creating a new relationship with another person, and even more so when it's either online or over a long distance where the risks of establishing a successful relationship are even greater.
Quite often there's an inner conflict going on inside, as thinking and reason are telling you to 'slow down, give it time' and yet emotions are feelings have been thrown out of place by someone showing you some interest and wanting to have a relationship with you. The heart is playing games with the mind and you can easily lose sight of the big picture, get confused or even screw it up.
This inner turmoil is caused by not knowing the other person well enough to be sure of drawing the right conclusions and knowing what to do, but being aware that a new relationship is forming that can have a significant impact on your life. How many times have you or I (and others) come to these boards and read a thread started by someone who has screwed up because they've exchanged a few messages, chatted over a few days and then travelled several states to spend time with the person only for it to not work out?
Moving onto the thread, there's not much advice I can really offer the OP despite the fact that yes, I have been in that situation quite a few times and feel that I understand quite well what you must be going through.
However I'm going to try anyway. First thing is you have to accept that this relationship at this moment in time might not just work out as a major possibility, and understand that you alone can calculate the risks involved, and decide how much emotional investment you are prepared to make knowing that you're going to be on your own to deal with the disappointment if it doesn't work out.
You also have to accept that at this moment in time your relationship only exists from message to message, text to text, phone call to phone call, meeting to meeting, and it's likely to be this way until you both know each other better and you start to get used to the concept of being in a relationship with each other and you start to become more secure and more settled in that relationship.
Also please understand that this guy was interested in you in the first place, you remain more or less the same person, and if it doesn't work out or goes no further not to seek fault or blame, to understand it's not because you have been emotionally insecure or anything else, but because it just simply didn't work out or this wasn't the one for you.
You have a choice here, and that choice is to either bring up the issue of communication and to start asking direct questions if your insecurity is coming from something you suspect. Or you can sit back and just wait and 'play it by ear' knowing that sooner or later the truth is going to come out anyway.
If however you are happy with him, happy with the relationship and happy to accept the limitations he has placed on your contact and understand why, then you're just going to have to accept that for the time being you are emotionally insecure about this relationship and will be for some time until the relationship develops.
There's not much else you can do at this point but to be patient, give it time, and to get on with your life as it is now. Are there things you've been neglecting lately in your life? Strange question it may seem, but for some people who do become quickly emotionally involved in someone tend to lose interest in things in their life and devote more time to the new relationship, spend a lot of time thinking and waiting, and compounding their feelings of insecurity by focussing on them even more. What I feel you need to do if this applies is to seek occupation and things which take your mind off the relationship.
Try to be detached and simply be. Be kind to yourself, look for ways of doing things you enjoy on your own, things which give you happiness, spend time with others who make you happy, live for the here and now, for today, and appreciate the magic in the promise of tomorrow and what opportunities lie in store.
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