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Only One Side - 7/27/2009 4:35:22 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		It was recently driven home to me in a more personal way how only having one side or viewpoint of a story or situation can be very misleading. We see it here and other places all the time. Someone posts on how they were hurt by someone, or how people are treating them mean when they do not deserve it, etc. and all we have to go on usually is what they say or post about it. They get a lot of sympathetic replies and they get some blunt and not so nice replies, and the ones who do not reply sympathetically get accused of being mean to the poor OP.

On another site, I ran across a reply to a thread who's title caught my eye enough that I went to it to read it. When I discovered who the OP was and read what they had posted, I allowed it to anger me. It was essentially a "poor me, I am a victim, nobody likes me and it is all someone else's fault" type of post. Every reply was sympathetic to the OP, until mine. I let it affect me enough to reply. I did not air anything I knew, gave absolutely no details, but was angry enough to post a very short response saying the lack of complete honesty and lack of accepting personal responsibility by the OP were laughable.

Seeing that OP brought it sharply home just how misleading some posts can be when we only have one side to go on. I tend to be sympathetic to those who are blunt and do not sugarcoat their replies and get accused of being mean. That OP reinforced to me why I am. Some people can see more than what the OP's words are telling and aren't afraid to call them on it. That's not mean in my view. That's reminding people that one side isn't telling the whole story and in fact could be more fictional than true.

In the type of threads indicated in the first paragraph,  I tend to qualify my response with something along the lines of "If it is as the OP says, then......." because I am very aware that I am only getting one side of it, one viewpoint and do not know the person posting it let alone the entire situation. After this incident, I am more aware of it than ever.

My point in all this? Pretty simple. I'm passing on the reminder that just slapped me in the face that most times only one side of the story is given and it's not necessarily always an honest one, and people who don't reply sympathetically, or in agreement aren't always being mean.

Have others here had similar instances?

This situation got to me, angered me, not only because of the lack of honesty and personal responsibility by the OP, but because I let it get to me and replied in my anger instead of just moving on and forgetting I saw it, letting it go.

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 5:48:08 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Its not as simple as two sides, its more like the 6 blind men and the elephant, if people remembered that,. we'd be all better off, however, we as a society need vindication, validation and justification--at times no matter where we can find it.

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 8:28:29 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		It's not two sides. Always more than two sides to get the full story. One side refers to simply one person's telling of the situation only.

I can understand the whole needing validation, justification, vindication. Just pissed me off reading what I knew was bs from that person and got me thinking and wondering how much bs is in those kind of posts from people I don't know. I'm not quick to be sympathetic and understanding with those kinds of posts anyway and after this eye opener am likely to be even less so.


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 8:53:12 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am pretty good at smelling a pile of bs a mile away. On occasion I've been wrong and had to eat my words, which I am fine with. Wasn't the first and certainly will not be the last. However, just about any bitch or whinefest, is usually nothing more than childish and very slanted "oh poor me". Something I've never had any sympathy for anyway.

All of that sort of thing tends to make me want to reach through my computer screen and slap the shit out of the person doing the whining AND the people giving sympathy.

Regardless of who is posting, what personal issue they are posting about, the odds of the other person/s involved in that personal issue seeing the same thing the same way are usually pretty slim.

Most times, I believe we really do get what we deserve. Regardless of who pulled the trigger, somehow we've put ourselves in the position to be the victim. I would rather someone (if they cannot figure it out by themself, which is my personal preference) lay out a situation, give all the angles they can see, and ASK for opinions. Then remain open to ALL, even the less than complimentary. They would learn an awful lot more.




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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:03:30 AM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
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Status: offline 		The problem with giving online advice is that you are never sure that you aren’t aiding and abetting a stalker.

What are all the facts? The next piece of information given may change the entire picture. Thus I don’t give advice.

< Message edited by FullCircle -- 7/27/2009 9:07:57 AM >

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:04:13 AM   
Louve00


Posts: 1674
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		First of all, I believe in speaking my beliefs and opinions.  Like you, if I've read into something, or am privileged to a more accurate account, I would probably call them out on it.  I say probably because, if I knew the person posting the OP, I would take into consideration their response to it.  If they were the kind to respond with a deeper misconveyance, or elaborate even more to prove their point and get their sympathy, then you likely will be taken as the mean ole grump who won't give an inch to a poor, suffering soul.  Especially if you see they are all enabling her or him already.

Second of all, tone is severely lacking in written words only.  I can (and have) said things in an online medium that have sounded cruel and uncalled for, based on the way I wrote it.  Now, if you were in the same room with me...saw my face, heard my voice and the way  I was saying it, you would most likely not think of it as cruel, because I am basically not a cruel person.  (Sarcastic at times, maybe...but not cruel).

We are always going to run into those "damsels in distress".  They are always going to rally to anyone who will give them that attention and support they crave, because after all, to distort a thing, skewing it to you, no matter how right or wrong you are, (to me, anyway), is a cry from someone who needs attention.  Posting in a way that comes off as attacking them only feeds more into her or his 'poor me' syndrome.

Now, if I did feel an urgent need to respond to their 'I need sympathy' post.  I would choose my words very carefully.  And make sure I am using sane, rational, and logical words, that may indeed make others think about what and who they are enabling.  For things I feel very emotionally charged over, I tend to back off for a day or two (I actually have a 3 day rule lol), think about it, think about how I wanted to approach it, and think about the impact it would make.  Would it help the person open their eyes?  Would it force them to see they are not being fair in relaying their story?  After mulling it over, and I thought it was still something I wanted to post on, I would be ready to make good, solid, logical points...and yes, maybe even get a tad bit personal, if I had to...letting all know you knew that person on a more personal level and your reasons for airing them.

I have always considered that there are 2 sides to every story.  Always.  And as CatdeMedici pointed out, even more sides and contigents than just 2.  Thats why I seldom post on those 'woe is me' posts.  The poster may be very sincere, may indeed need help.  But ya know what?  (and maybe it's because I'm a realist).  If I had something troubling me, and needed support, the interent...and airing it to people who could truly give a shit about me would not be the place I would go. 



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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:04:26 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		You know, LaT, some of the best advice I have gotten throughout my life has not been of the sweet and coddling variety and is what has helped motivate me to make changes at those times.

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:08:09 AM   
olena


Posts: 97
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		The combination of the person who initiates something has the ability to frame, sometimes quite poorly, the story to their biased viewpoint combine with people reading something and filtering it through their own bias view point makes thinking anything read should not be considered gospel.

It is one of the nice things about message boards where there is great diversity. With enough discussion all viewpoints can be represented and many angles and conditions mentioned that one can if they so choose to see something and learn.



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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:08:45 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		I've always lived by the motto "there's 3 sides to every story; your's, mine and the truth."

Everyone has their own unique viewpoint but people like what you mention in the OP "poor me, I am a victim, nobody likes me and it is all someone else's fault"  piss the shit outta me. I can name a few (on here and elsewhere) that I want to smack the shit out of them and yell "Suck it up, Buttercup and deal!"

  I do have my sympathetic side, really I do. But it has it's limits, especially if I feel like my chain is being yanked or I'm being used.


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:12:56 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I called the person on it without giving away what the situation was. I do not want to air the details of it for public consumption, but I couldn't not say something to make others aware that they were lying and going for sympathy rather than accepting responsibility for their own words and actions. Because I know what the person did and the pain and damage done through it, it pissed me off seeing them going for sympathy and putting all blame on someone else for their own choices and actions.

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:17:58 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		Yeah, I am the same, Rain, but when it is someone like this person, where I know for a fact what they are doing and what they've done, and I see them playing that role, it is much worse. At that point it is not speculation or suspicion that they are doing that and are full of it, it is knowledge of it coupled with knowledge of their actions that put them in the place they are in and are whining about being in and that really sets me off big time.

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:22:33 AM   
Louve00


Posts: 1674
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I understand your stance on it.  I also commend you on refraining from being too personal.  Mind you, I didn't mean to give a blow by blow of all the details, but I would, surely, reference parts of their story on a personal level.  (like...they promised me one thing, once I got there, they took all my money, made me their cinderella, and left me with no resources.)  I most certainly would lay out the hows that it got to that, the why's, and what provisions were made, and why (maybe even coupled with what led up to the 'event' souring for her.  After all...she brought it up.  I'm just clarifying her issues in the same public medium she brought it to.  You're the better woman, than me.  I would scream it loud and clear so what little half truth she revealed would be revealed all the way, and it would teach HER too, to be careful of words that might turn into egg on her face.

So there ya go.  Another lesson learned about me, too *grin*.  Be careful how personal you get with me, and know I believe what is hidden in the dark, "I" could very well bring to light.

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For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are. - Niccolo Machiavelli

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 9:56:50 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Shoot them all and let God sort it out








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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 10:13:51 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Louve00

I understand your stance on it.  I also commend you on refraining from being too personal. 


It is extremely difficult in light of just what did happen and the long standing ramifications of it to refrain from saying even a little of what those actions were, but people not in the know really don't need to know all the juicy details. That stirs up major drama and I prefer strongly to avoid it. The temptation is great, don't get me wrong, and they did in fact dare me publicly in reply to tell it, but I am not going there. It is bad enough that the replies I have given could be seen as stirring drama by some.

As an example, here is part of one reply:

"You need to understand that an apology that says I'm sorry, but I was only obeying my dominant, I had no choice and things just got all blown out of proportion isn't going to wash. It is a slap in the face and an insult to those wronged, especially those who are still trying to pay off and recoup what those actions cost them. Not everything got blown out of proportion. You have personal responsibility for making the choice to obey those dictates from your master and following through on those choices rather than refusing to do what you knew was wrong and would likely cause a good deal of problems for others.

Maybe when you can stop trying to put all the blame for your actions on someone else to absolve yourself of your share of the responsibility for them and the consequences thereof, your apologies will be accepted and healing and acceptance can begin. Until then things are highly unlikely to change."

That can be seen as stirring drama even though no details whatsoever are given.


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 10:15:33 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Shoot them all and let God sort it out










~laughing~ I like the way you think


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 11:23:40 AM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		Sarah if we had to know ALL the facts before we opened our mouths we would never have developed a language as a race.

In personal relations truth means nothing because it is only one moment in time, which like a word, can be out of context to the whole relationship.

It is best to support people not truth in personal conflicts.

When it comes to Internet rants… if you want to comment just put yourself in their shoes and compare actions… the truth is not important and neither is your comment to the post.

Butch


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 11:51:32 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I don't expect to know all the facts before I post and never have. It would be foolish to do so. We never get all the facts, or the entire story on message boards. My point has been to keep in mind when answering posts that one doesn't have all the facts. All too often there is an outpouring of emotion of one kind or another to what a person posts, a knee jerk that doesn't take into account that we are only getting a small piece of it and may not even be getting an actual piece, but a made up or twisted piece.

The excerpt of one of my responses I posted was to illustrate to another poster what I meant by not making details of the situation in question public knowledge and still getting my point across to the person.


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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 12:02:14 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		That knee jerk reaction is how you would react give the facts stated...see what I mean... there is not need for the other side. If you do read the other side of an argument then your reaction again would be yours not theirs. So at any times during your interaction with the thread your reactions are valid and true… but the truth of the poster is not important.

Butch


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I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

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RE: Only One Side - 7/27/2009 12:44:04 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

Sarah if we had to know ALL the facts before we opened our mouths we would never have developed a language as a race.

In personal relations truth means nothing because it is only one moment in time, which like a word, can be out of context to the whole relationship.

It is best to support people not truth in personal conflicts.

When it comes to Internet rants… if you want to comment just put yourself in their shoes and compare actions… the truth is not important and neither is your comment to the post.

Butch



Thanks Butch this is about the way I see it too.

I learned to take this approach through my work with the homeless here in London. Almost anybody can become homeless, not just the people at the bottom end of society - when it comes down to it we are all just a couple of steps away from homelessness. Well maybe not everybody but a lot of people.

Now I work at day centres where some of my work is advocacy and giving advice, which would be fine if 75% of those on the receiving end tried and took the advice. But what you've got to understand is that homelessness is a lengthy and pretty traumatic process which may have its root causes long before someone ends up on someone else's sofa or on the streets, and the recovery process may last much longer than the person being placed into permanent housing.

Almost all the work centres on dealing with the immediate issues, not the long term ones. When I am working with someone I understand that I am not them, nor do I have to come up with any solutions, but only to deal with the immediate issues and somehow empower that person to finding the solution themselves. I have been through the whole process and system but there are times when my experience and knowledge doesn't help.

I keep this in mind when I read threads here on the boards. It's very easy usually to work out the facts and speculate to some degree what the truth might be, but you know relationships to a large degree aren't about truth and facts but about emotions, feelings and the perception of truth and reality painted a different colour because that person is emotionally involved and invested in that situation. Their view is always going to be different from someone looking in from the outside.

Adverse changes in personal circumstances and the loss of a significant relationship is often very stressful and traumatic for the people involved, and so what I look for here is the immediate issues, the ones that got the person to the computer, got them to write out their OP, and got them to click on that 'OK' button. I'm also aware that for some people these boards are a major part of their emotional support network, because they're alone, isolated, or even they cannot bring themselves to discuss such matters with the people in their lives.

Now I can form my own opinion and draw my own conclusions but I may post something differently because as Butch rightly states it's the person who needs the support, not my opinion. I have the same considerations when it goes the other way and feel that the OP needs some strong advice or even a bit of humour to try and get them to lighten up and see another side.

But as always there but for the grace of God....

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