RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (Full Version)

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IronBear -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/24/2009 6:44:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?



I prefer and want my partner/wife and any slave collared to the home or myself personally to 'fess up any baggage. I welcome it for it gives me a far better insight about that person. Thus my perceptions will change and one would expect as we learn more about each other, this is an ongoing development. How I feel, thing and treat them will depend on the person and situation. I tend to be ready to give most people another chance especially if they have been upfront with me about their baggage or problems. two of my ex wives had a good deal of baggage and never bothered to discuss it yet expected me to deal with their issues and problems as things or reactions occurred, and neither were of the type to give a damn about mine or my state of health. Fortunately for me Neets knew about my baggage and especially PTSD after having a father suffering like me from it thanks to our forced holiday in 'Nam.



TurboJugend -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/24/2009 11:38:18 PM)

quote:

it yet expected me to deal with their issues and problems as things or reactions occurred, and neither were of the type to give a damn about mine or my state of health

I recoqnize that. They are so "hurt"it is just them and the whole world has to adjust. They never listen or give an other some attention. They are the center of the universe.
You deal with it a while, but afther a time you can't handle such ëgoistic"partners anymore.



antipode -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/24/2009 11:55:34 PM)

quote:

So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?


I am not quite sure where you are heading with this amateur psychology, but please reread your concept.... There isn't any "therefore", there is no mechanism whereby a changed perception changes the action. So your question, in its present form, isn't answerable.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 2:09:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?


I am not quite sure where you are heading with this amateur psychology, but please reread your concept.... There isn't any "therefore", there is no mechanism whereby a changed perception changes the action. So your question, in its present form, isn't answerable.




Ahh well most people seemed to cope just fine



angelikaJ -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:01:35 AM)

There is a difference between having a traumatic experience that affects you and allowing the trauma to define who you are.

Some people get stuck in their traumas; they stay victimized and then tend to continue victimizing themselves and allow others to victimize them.






Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:12:32 AM)

Baggage, everybody has it. Some of it is neatly packed and organized. Some of it is simply a mess insides and not well organized at all.

There is a strength and a weakness in the baggage we carry in life. The more baggage we carry we have to become stronger to carry the load. At times, we have to rest for awhile. Some people are too weak to carry much baggage.

What's always interesting is not the baggage itself but what is inside. We can pull something out and use it to relate to other people. We can share our own experiences.

It's both ugly and beautiful at the same time.

It's all a matter of how neatly packed and well organized it is. What we can pull out of it and can really use.

Some people carry around shit in their baggage that they will never use, it's just a heavy load to carry. At best it might make them a little stronger, but in needless ways. Some people don't know their own strength and can hurt others by accident.

I now digress into my morning coffee..



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 3:58:43 PM)

I think there are two topics to keep in mind here when answering the question(s). I have a tendency to speak in absolutes about subjects like this, so know that these are only my opinions.

The first is the topic of projection. This is a psychoanalytical term that basically means that we take our own emotions about stuff and "project" them onto other situations. It's not good or bad, it just is, and, while we can learn to become aware of it, there's little that we can do to really stop it. So, not only do you have to take how another might be projecting onto you, you have to be aware of how you are then projecting back.

The second part is that there are parts of our psyches that ONLY other people can see. We are completely blind to them. We have to accept that they might be reacting to something we don't know, or don't want to admit, is there. Maybe you really DO still have some issues.

In the end, You can't stop them from doing any of this...you can only stop your own aggravation about it. It's all about accepting that you can't control other people and learning to control yourself. It doesn't make them any more right (or wrong) no matter what you do, so you might as well try to be accepting and compassionate about why they do stuff. If you find their reactions and attitudes to be too hurtful, you have the right to say, "I'm sorry, that is toxic for me," and step away...or even remove them from your life.

All of this is, of course, much easier said than done!

Master Fire




Prinsexx -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 4:08:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?


I am not quite sure where you are heading with this amateur psychology, but please reread your concept.... There isn't any "therefore", there is no mechanism whereby a changed perception changes the action. So your question, in its present form, isn't answerable.


There are very many mechanisms whereby a changed perception could. might or would change an action.
If I perceive that I am being followed by a police officer because I am speeding in my car then common sense would make me slow down
If I perceive that I am bleeding because I have sliced through my finger whilst chopping onions then instinct has me drop the knife and do something to stop the blood. See?
'Mechanisms' for changing action (relating to someone) after your perception of them has altered could include:
compassion
understanding
concern
discernment
discretion
consent
apathy
jealousy
trust
love
tolerance
acceptance
shock
disbelief........
See?




Prinsexx -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 4:19:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

The first is the topic of projection. This is a psychoanalytical term that basically means that we take our own emotions about stuff and "project" them onto other situations. It's not good or bad, it just is, and, while we can learn to become aware of it, there's little that we can do to really stop it. So, not only do you have to take how another might be projecting onto you, you have to be aware of how you are then projecting back.



Master Fire



And then there is the possibility of the other mechanism (its equal opposite): that of introjection... internalising, 'swallowing' another's emotions.
This mechanism is I believe part of my submissive mode.
If a dominant is confident the I introject this and feel confident on a scene too. If a dominant is insecure... I'm freaked and I'm out of there.
It seems to be the usual pattern that D types mentor submissives and it seems to be an assumption that it is the submisives who are bringing trauma to the quation.
My question is: could it be or would it be feasible for s submissive (with eperience) to mentor a dominant?



Lockit -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 4:22:05 PM)

You mean we have to bring baggage? I just over dressed not wanting to carry anything. Oh well... I just came for the party anyway...



Prinsexx -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 4:25:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

You mean we have to bring baggage? I just over dressed not wanting to carry anything. Oh well... I just came for the party anyway...

I usually get asked to take my kit off........



Lockit -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 4:30:52 PM)

LOL So do I... but ya know... it takes a special one to do that with!



leadership527 -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:21:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?

Of course it does. Information is knowledge. Knowledge shapes decisions. If Carol told me some [significant] event in her past, it would of course color my future interactions with her. Note... not necessarily in a bad way.



DesFIP -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:25:50 PM)

There's something missing between telling someone of a past trauma and them assuming they therefore know how to treat you. And it's communication. Ask them how it affected them, how they want you to address it, what they need from you, what they can't handle or conversely feel strongly in need of.

And honestly, if they don't know any of the answers I would caution against getting involved until they've had some help.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:29:04 PM)

quote:

So my questions then are if a partner tells you about an event does it change your perception of them and therefore you treatment of them?


Of course it affects my perception of a person. Any time I have increased information about an individual, it will affect my perception of that person.

As far as my -treatment- of the person... for me, I have a general manner in which I treat people, period. Beyond the 'common courtesy' behaviors, once you get into the intimate familial and authority-based aspects of our relating to one another, whether or not a person's history affects our current dynamic depends on what we negotiate as part of the relationship. Knowing won't affect what we've negotiated our relationship as, but it -may- help me to deal with anything that bubbles up in the course of interacting with one another. On the other hand, if I've done my job well in terms of discussion and the other person has been forthright about what xhe wants and needs, there may not be anything -to- bubble, so it may make absolutely no difference at all.

Dame Calla



MasterRichard326 -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:33:51 PM)

My Biatch and her baggage were separated at the airport.....her baggage is somewhere in Peoria and she is in moscow........



Padriag -> RE: Past baggage, present relationships. (7/25/2009 5:57:24 PM)

One of those Russian Mail Order Brides? [;)]



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