RE: Playing the blame game

RE: Playing the blame game (Full Version)

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TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 1:57:09 PM)
are we that perfect in the lifestyle? no one blames others? just curious

IronBear -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:32:20 PM)
FR Been down this Blame Game at the end of two of my marriages. Personally, I prefer the "No Foul, No Blame, More Gain and No Shame Game".

lally2 -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:34:05 PM)
where does blame get you though, whats the point. all you do is go around and around feeling betrayed and let down. why go there, why put youreself through that post mortem. whats important is that you come out of something having learnt and grown from it. everyone has agendas, very often they are private and riddled with issues - you cant take responsibility for anothers life, only youre own. blaming a person because they couldnt commit or they werent what they said they were or they didnt deliver or they were selfish or arrogant or thoughtless. whatever, it doesnt matter. in the end it isnt youre issue who or what they are. youre issue is in moving on and leaving their crap behind. why drag it around with you. believe you me, i have. ive spent years feeling outraged and angry over the failure of something that could have been sooooo good, if they could have only stopped being/doing/whatever. wasted time, wasted energy. all it does is make you bitter and angry. you end up dragging baggage about with you that isnt youres and you know what - nine times out of ten, theyve long ago moved on and youre still labouring under the hurt and let down. learn from it and move on.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:35:39 PM)
blaming doesn't bring nothing. I didn't say I didn't agree. I am sometimes just supprised how perfect we are..lol except me..I do the occasional blaming. And it relieves when you think it is their fault :P I was curious..when is blaming...blaming. Sometimes a person tells the truth..but the other person calls it blaming. But indeed..mostly from there..the accusation go from left to right and back

Ialdabaoth -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:42:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally How do we get the distance we need to really reflect on what has happened, to look at it honestly? I think sometimes we never do. Is it best to reflect after time, or enroll other people to discuss it? Neither. It's "best" to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women. In all seriousness, break-ups are a prisoner's dilemma. What you have to do, when you break up, is consolidate as many of your mutual "friends" as possible, and then make sure they're all on-board with ostracizing and emotionally destroying your ex. Because if you don't, your ex will. You have to do it as protection, or they'll do it first. Don't believe for a second they won't, even if they're nice - they have to do it as protection, or you'll* do it first.* quote: How do you learn from mistakes and do you believe that you take responsibility for your own transgressions? You don't. "Responsibility" is just one of those words that people throw around to make their world feel like it makes sense. There's no such thing. There's only power, and those too afraid to wield it.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:43:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear FR Been down this Blame Game at the end of two of my marriages. Personally, I prefer the "No Foul, No Blame, More Gain and No Shame Game". yes it is way better. But when it touches you...you say stupid things you might regret later

lally2 -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:45:16 PM)
ok. yes. you can say to yourself - 'they did that, this is the outcome, that was their fault' i do that for sure. but i dont let it mess with my head any more and i dont drag it around with me anymore. the thing is i have enough inadequacies of my own, i dont need to absorb anyone else's. ill take ownership of my part in what happened and leave them the rest - and even if it was their fault, what does it matter when its all over and youve chosen to walk.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:46:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 ok. yes. you can say to yourself - 'they did that, this is the outcome, that was their fault' i do that for sure. but i dont let it mess with my head any more and i dont drag it around with me anymore. oh ok...yes..dito here. I could do it for days when younger...but now it ends with "what ever, let it be please" and I move on.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:48:18 PM)
quote: There's only power, and those too afraid to wield it. and who is wielding the power? or is no one using it?

lally2 -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 2:52:37 PM)
You don't. "Responsibility" is just one of those words that people throw around to make their world feel like it makes sense. There's no such thing. There's only power, and those too afraid to wield it. actually, responsibility is what makes it all possible. you take responsibility for youre part in it. the moment you do that you are freed from the rest of it. that is where the power lies.

oceanwinds -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 3:51:55 PM)
There is not one thing I blame my ex sir. Oh how I loved him, but things don't work out. Life changes. Was not for him I would never realized there is a 'lifestyle' called bdsm. Thank you ex sir for that. Thank you helping me to get back on my feet. Thank you. I am so sorry we could not gone on, but i will not utter a word of anger about you. I appreciate all u did

jeninvegas -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 6:05:53 PM)
I generally look at it half way from my point of view. A relationship involves two people who are knowingly together and knowingly choose the choices they make. So I try very hard not to play the blame game but rather look at what choices we both made together as a couple. I strive to learn from them but it varies from relationship to relationship. No two people are alike so the choice you made with one person may or may not be the wisest one for the next.

IronBear -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 6:51:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TurboJugend blaming doesn't bring nothing. I didn't say I didn't agree. I am sometimes just supprised how perfect we are..lol except me..I do the occasional blaming. And it relieves when you think it is their fault :P I was curious..when is blaming...blaming. Sometimes a person tells the truth..but the other person calls it blaming. But indeed..mostly from there..the accusation go from left to right and back The usual problem in this situation is when people personalize things and either actually blame the other or sounds like they are instead of blaming the situation .. No Blame scenario. quote: ORIGINAL: TurboJugend yes it is way better. But when it touches you...you say stupid things you might regret later But of course and we are all human but one can condition oneself to not react this way and to especially take time to take a few deep breaths and engage brain before connecting mouth to the gas pedal. This is something I took a long time to learn and do a good degree master, though I still trigger off firing at the hip especially when sleep deprived or in pain.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/24/2009 11:02:51 PM)
quote: though I still trigger off firing at the hip especially when sleep deprived lol...yes..that I recoqnize.

antipode -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 12:04:35 AM)
quote: How do you learn from mistakes The blame game, in humans, is unrelated to learning from mistakes. There is ample scientific evidence that the blame game is a psychological mechanism in the process of avoiding proven negative actions or situations. Most animals, humans included, learn by experience, and the term mistake is rarely applicable, as the "mistake" is often based on a lack of experience, or on insufficient cause-and-effect exposure. Hence our frequent inability to learn by example.

lally2 -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 1:53:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: antipode quote: How do you learn from mistakes The blame game, in humans, is unrelated to learning from mistakes. There is ample scientific evidence that the blame game is a psychological mechanism in the process of avoiding proven negative actions or situations. Most animals, humans included, learn by experience, and the term mistake is rarely applicable, as the "mistake" is often based on a lack of experience, or on insufficient cause-and-effect exposure. Hence our frequent inability to learn by example. ... and sometimes we have to go through the same experience a few times before the light goes on and we realise we keep repeating ourselves. the trick is in spotting what it is we keep doing wrong. whats fascinating is that we generally keep trying to find a relationship. you'd think wouldnt you that once youve been burned a few times youd stay away from the fire. but no.... [&o] .... whats with that??

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 3:54:41 AM)
I think a lot of this depends upon how honest both people are with one another. Boils down to honesty and good communication skills. There's a difference between True Blame and False Blame. Is the Truth being manipulated or not in the Blame Game? When we fuck up and know it, do we accept the shame and embrassment or attempt to blame somebody or some thing else? If your partner fucks up, do the accept the responsibility for thier own actions. Fears, insecurities, and self esteem issues often play major roles in the Blame Game. It's okay to have fears, and insecurities and even self esteem issues, we are all human and have these kinds of issues. The Blame Game can be a bit of a maze. At times people will deny the truth and believe their own stories. Use lies to cover up other lies. Other people do not. Some people it's a bit of a mix and match. The Blame Game often is like a boxing match, with two people seeking to have their feelings and emotions acknowledged by the other party. If nobody is willing to accept the other persons feelings, it's a stale mate. If only one person acknowledges the other person, it's all rather one sided with one person taking the blame for everything. I have been in relationship that ended with a high degree of calm and great respect, because honesty and acceptence and the truth was out on the table. Call it honest calm blame for lack of better description. At times people like to hide their own actions, who they really are, by blaming somebody or something else. There's also a limit to the amount of blame we can talk upon ourselves. Both people in a relationship are responsible for themselves and each other. Sure we are responsible for ourselves and our actions, we are also responsible for those we are involved with. However there are limits. These limits can be a bit of a gray area. We are responsible for ourselves and those we are involved with, however there are limits to the responsibility we have towards others. When people get involved with one another, there is an element of trust involved. We become entrusted to one another. When somebody is not being honest in a relationship and lies and cheats and decieves their partner. It not only hurts their partner, they end up hurting themself as well. This is where people tend to fuck up. They are not being responsible towards themself as well as their partner. Again, this all a bit of a tricky area. There is a big difference between true blame and false blame. Trying to figure out how much you are or are not to blame can be a little dauntiing if your partner is manipulating the truth and blaming you. Often it's hard to figure out the motivations involved. The Blame Game can be a good process or can be a totally distructive process, it's all depends upon how people are playing the game. Some people play very dirty games with one another. Anyways, these are my thoughts upon this matter. It's not a very easy nor simple black and white thing to talk about.

SlyStone -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 5:41:55 AM)
quote: There are no mistakes. Only lessons. I don't necessarily agree with this sentiment, because I think a mistake is a mistake, one needs to take ownership, but I would at least amend it to say: There are no mistakes, only potential lessons. The sad truth is that many people have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over because they are unable to see outside themselves and learn from the experience, and oftentimes, especially when one is hurt or angry or guilt ridden, that is much easier said then done.

TurboJugend -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 6:58:19 AM)
quote: The sad truth is that many people have a tendency to make the same mistakes the mistake is often not recoqnized as such, as the setting is different in which it happens

FawneTwo -> RE: Playing the blame game (7/25/2009 7:39:14 AM)
my opinion - with time, healing, positive life changes and growth we CAN see outside ourselves. Blame can cool down ( I'm thinking of self-blame and low self esteem here too) and be released of the strong ugly emotions and turn into a healthy responsbility. ( sometimes we really see and appreciate the sincerity and beauty of another. To express this, share : yet another hurdle in self confidence) lotsa words and apologies

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