RE: He's a Bad Bad Man

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RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 2:21:20 PM

lovingpet

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I don't know how exactly you approach this to keep it from coming across as untoward. This poacher says very much the same thing, but there is an undercurrent that seems to undermine the nobleness of the gesture. He points to things that are not exactly national secret or anything and states how he views them. They are things I can't really be blissfully unaware of since I do have a brain. My partner and I have discussed them at length on several different occassions, even prior to the start of this. We are well aware of the touchy spots.

The issue comes in because the poacher is constantly stating in very dreamy tones how he wished I were his. He tells me how he would treat me so much better and all the things we could be doing together if only I wasn't so enamoured with this loser. He has no respect at all for my partner and discounts my feelings about the relationship. I do not feel at all neglected, maltreated, or stifled. I am in a very good place actually, so I find the poacher's comments quite out of line and laughable at best.

I have turned to others about this as well on a more one on one basis. These people, at the very least, know me well and are acquainted with him. One or two have no real knowledge of him, just me and what I have expressed to them since beginning this relationship. Other things that I haven't mentioned here have them convinced that we really have very little reason to take the poacher's critique seriously. The things he is targeting, however, could use some more examination as we have been doing already. I really am ready to just be done with this. My partner offered to take care of this before now, but I wanted to keep trying because what he and I were working on was very important to my partner and I didn't want give up. I have given it my all now and even suffered some level of injury in the process, so I think I can let it go now.

I am hoping this is a worthy discussion anyway, even though I have more or less resolved my own concern. It seems to be a common practice (not in the way Steel "does" it) and it seems important to have a plan of action for this. I think I was very overconfident in some ways and it left me rather unprepared. This was a rather unique situation compared with what I usually encounter and is why it got this far. I know we will put measures in place to insure it never happens again. I'm glad we are finding our way through this together and not being forced apart. It is very reassuring to me. It seems all the plotting and planning this poacher did has only served to strengthen our bond.

lovingpet

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Post #: 41

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 3:15:01 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

The issue comes in because the poacher is constantly stating in very dreamy tones how he wished I were his. He tells me how he would treat me so much better and all the things we could be doing together if only I wasn't so enamoured with this loser.

That right there is the difference I see between Steel's description of poaching and what I was taking it as.

Why people do this. . . I have no idea.

Now. . . I have had a couple people that have said to me, if my own relationship goes wahooni shaped for whatever reason, that I and Butterhead can come stay with them or whatever I need. (Which seems similar to what Steel has offered the referenced young lady) but they are not encouraging the relationship to go all wahooni shaped. They are happy that I am happy.

So I see this as two different things.

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Post #: 42

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 3:22:17 PM

lovingpet

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Yup! It is nice to have a place to turn should things go badly. It's another thing to be practically cheering the thing downhill. I haven't been feeling well anyway (hence why most of my post for the past month have been scatterbrained). Add to that, getting yanked back and forth constantly and seeming to be sprinting to keep up with the pace of my own life and especially with this relationship, I am out of the energy to deal with this. Fortunately, I don't have to. My partner will take care of it as he knows how deeply worn I have become. He loves that I finally really do trust him enough to turn problems over to him. We've come a long way!

lovingpet

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Post #: 43

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 3:55:17 PM

leadership527

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Lovingpet asked:

What is your response when someone is attempting to "poach" your partner(s)? chuckling usually
How do you mitigate the truth in their lies? Uh... reality does that just fine for me. I dont' bother.
Do you justify any of it with a response? other than chuckling? no.
On the other side, how do you respond when someone is attempting to "poach" you? This has never happend to me... or not that I've noticed anyway. I'm a deeply monogamous man who can get going on the million ways i love my wife with 30 seconds of meeting a new person. What I usually get is, "Do you have a single brother?"
What can your partner do to help you when it occurs? Provide a reality which makes poaching impossible.
What do you say to the poacher, or do you say anything at all?Were this to happen, I would state simply and directly that I wasn't interested. If they continued after that, there'd be no more conversation with this person. I certainly would not make a melodramatic scene out of it.

I guess for me, pet, the bottom line is that I'm pretty comfortable with what I'm offering Carol. It surpasses belief to think that someone else could make her a better offer (hell, both of us already feel like we were luckier than winning the super-lotto 52 weeks in a row). But, if someone actually COULD make her a better offer, then I'd encourage her to pursue it. I love Carol. i want the best for her. Those are not just words to me.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 7/21/2009 3:56:04 PM >

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Post #: 44

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 6:44:04 PM

Audaciter

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If it helped improve the quality of your life in any way...than it is a worthy subject. Don't worry about others' opinion on the matter if this discussion helped to resolve your issues...but anyways you were already in the right direction. I think you should tell this poacher to back of in general...but i get the sense that you enjoy the positive attention. Just don't worry about it. If you partner has an issue with it, let them settle it out between them. but to me this poacher's efforts at gaining your affection are particularly pathetic. I get the feeling that this individual has very low self esteem, and i admit that that is based off of very little, but that is my impression. I don't know a single submissive that is attracted to insecurity.

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Post #: 45

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 7:01:22 PM

lovingpet

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~FR~

Leadership: I am not sure how I have come to rate so low, but melodrama is the last thing I wanted. I asked a question because I wanted input and because in my own head things were much more complicated than they had to be. Certainly this poacher has nothing to offer me. I will say it again that I am quite happy as is. I just need to get out of this very ackward situation.

Audaciter: I have already basically ended the interaction. My partner's final say is just the death blow that is needed. The positive attention is actually rather creepy. It is like getting a gift from a stalker. I'd much rather hear the same from my partner and I do...all the time. I appreciate your encouragement. Things can get hairy sometimes when one opens up a bit here. I am not a relationship genius, but I do pretty well. I had a bit of a confusion and I was smart enough to realize it and ask for a bit of help. I like to think that's a good thing.

All in all I appreciate the discussion and some straight up honesty that was much needed. I do occassionally create my own chaos and I appreciate the help. Thanks!

lovingpet

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Post #: 46

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 7:12:46 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Leadership: I am not sure how I have come to rate so low, but melodrama is the last thing I wanted. I asked a question because I wanted input and because in my own head things were much more complicated than they had to be. Certainly this poacher has nothing to offer me. I will say it again that I am quite happy as is. I just need to get out of this very ackward situation.

Wow lovingpet, I'm sorry I hadn't intended that to read that way and I don't have you "rated low" in my head. The "melodrama" part wasn't meant to indicate that you necessarily would do such a thing. Nor did I mean to imply that posting here was a "melodramatic scene". In my experience, a fair number of people spin these situations up rather than stopping them cold so I pointed it out as a possibility. Insofar as the rest of it... if he has nothing to offer you, then my bottom line remains... tell him to stop and enforce that if he does not do so. For me personally, someone tryng to cause trouble between myself and carol is not only not my friend, they are my outright enemy. Therefor, cutting them out of my social circle would be painless.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Post #: 47

RE: He's a Bad Bad Man - 7/21/2009 7:18:01 PM

lovingpet

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Thank you Leadership! I knew I had to have read you wrong. We have kind of let things go farther than we should have, at my insistence no less, but not at all expecting what has gone on now. We've washed our hands of him. If my partner were able to be on the computer one final note from him and this would be a done deal. He will handle it as soon as he is home next week. I'm just glad to finally have off my shoulders. I guess I have learned my lesson about trying to do things my way. My partner was very adamant that he thought this was hurting me. He was right. Someday I might learn to listen! LOL

Thank you for your clarification. My apologies for misconstruing your meaning.

lovingpet

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Post #: 48