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The Latest - 7/17/2009 4:52:36 PM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
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Don't read this if you don't want to hear more of the stuff that's going on in my relationship.

So, he's decided that since his ex is still flipping out, that we have to take some time off... the length of that time is however long it takes for him to get her house clean.

It upsets me because he's choosing to put her needs first, even though she's his ex. He's explained that he's doing that because he wants to be able to see his kids. Every time he's not right there when she asks him to be, she calls him back a few minutes later and says that if he can't be there, she's going to stop "making things so easy".

So, basically, I don't get to see him for at least a week and he's decided that he's not going to take my phone calls either-- that if he wants to talk to me, he'll call me. I'm just kind of stuck waiting.

The thing is, I don't think I'm waiting. I think I'm done.

If I stay... if I'm here and still willing to be with him when he's done cleaning her house, then that's just teaching him that it's ok to treat me that way.

I'm only considering staying because I'm not sure it will have that much of an impact if I decide I'm done. He'll just go back to the lifestyle he had before and pick up where he left off with one of the people/couples he cheated on me with.

I don't think you should make the choice to leave when you stand to lose more than there is to gain.

Here's my list of stuff:
My computer broke-- it's not repairable, so I'm borrowing one of the computers he had at his house. If he goes, so does the computer.

Financially, I'm in a bind right now. He's been helping me with the basics like gas, groceries, and other necessities.

He's the only person I've got to interact with in my life on a regular basis. I don't really leave my house unless it's to go do something with him. Mostly because financially, I just can't afford to right now.

I'm sure there's more, but that's the basic list.

We NEVER argue without his ex involving herself in our life together. As long as it's just us (which it has been for most of the year and a half), things go smoothly, and we're both very happy. I don't know how to weigh that against a few very stressful, upsetting months of drama.

Maybe if I stick it out, things will go back to normal soon... maybe if I stick it out things NEVER get any better... it's impossible to know.

I know what (almost) everyone out here would tell me to do, but I'm not sure how to figure it out on my own.

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 6:39:24 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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Just my two cents. He wants to take some time off, I think that you should. Let him do his thing and you do yours. If you can get out then do so. You certainly shouldn't sit at home waiting on him as you two are breaking up for awhile. Have you thought about going to a munch and see who you meet? Perhaps you may meet some friends to help you through this, perhaps you may meet someone who doesn't have the baggage that he seems to have.

Good luck,
~Lashra

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 6:59:17 PM

CatdeMedici

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Lashra, Normally I agree with you, however, you missed a few points:

She is borrowing his computer, so if she says bye bye so goes the puter which COULD be a form of entertainment since she is well, broke.

If she dumps him, she is in a financial jam as he has been helpng with some essentials--so saying bye bye at the moment is a sticky wicket.

satyrsnymph28: ohhh sweetie, you need to find a way to get some financial help going so you can be a tad independent--you cannot cut off your nose to spite your face as they say at the moment, so if he is taking a breakm use that time as your " from him break time", BUT use it as building independence for satyrs time--look into food stamps or some means to get some financial breathing room so you can say bye bye--and find someone else with a puter, most people have an extra one around, it will at least provide you entertainment while you build up your financial resources and remember: many museums are free, libraries are free, many shows have $1 night, a walk in the sun is free-there are lots of things to do that don't cost.

Build your independence, but don't put yourself in a hole.

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 7:22:22 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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This is just my

and, of course, you can take it or leave it. As an objective reader, I see so much wrong with what the both of you are doing to each other. Yeah, you feel crappy because he deserts you (if only temporarily) for his ex, but if you really respected him, how could you say (esp. publicly) the things you've written here? You're basically only staying because you need his money and his computer. What makes your behavior any better than his? It's not from what I've read.

He cheated on you in the past and now you feel deserted by his choices. You're getting on a public forum and saying basically you're just staying to use him for what he can provide that you can't afford. Two people using and abusing is what I see. You may deserve each other

I know that sounds harsh but I can't see how you're treating him any better than he's treating you. Sounds like you both need a lesson in how to treat a partner............luci

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 8:22:26 PM

Lashra

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No Cat I didn't say she should dump him, he said he needed a break from them to deal with his mess. If this is the case, should she stay at home and wait or venture out? I would say perhaps they need to discuss what "taking a break" means, will they see other people? If he is, then she certainly should. Or at least thats my take on it.

~Lashra

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 8:46:00 PM

Arpig

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Just my

Staying with somebody just for computer access and financial assisstance is pretty low, pretty low indeed. You would just be using him.

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RE: The Latest - 7/17/2009 9:30:46 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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So don't break up right now. Use the time he's away to look for a job, find a teen to fix the computer, etc. He'll break up with you soon enough. You can't break up with him anyway if he won't talk to you to find out you have broken up.

But honestly, he's cheated on you in the past with others, he's probably sleeping with his ex now. You aren't losing anything worth keeping, computer withstanding. Get a second job, flip burgers, mow lawns, whatever.

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 5:11:33 AM

satyrsnymph28

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It's certainly not JUST about the computer and financial support... those are the things that I KNOW would disappear if we broke up-- that was the point I was trying to make.

Obviously, I can't share EVERYTHING here. It'd be impossible to. I've shared a little, as things have happened, and I share on here (as I said in my last post) because it's a safe place to post these things where I know no one knows anyone (aside from maybe me) who's involved - on a personal level, and I can speak freely and ask advice from someone who isn't him.

Regarding some stuff posted in response:
I know for a fact he's not sleeping with his ex. She kicked him out over 3 years ago, and has no interest in being with him in any way, let alone sexually. The "break" is to deal with her, and help her get through the boxes and boxes of stuff that are apparently at her house. Neither of us will be seeing other people. He just feels overwhelmed by what's going on. For some reason it's ME who had to take a back seat instead of his ex.

I'm not the one who calls him in a panic in the middle of the night or insists that he stop what he's doing to sit and talk with me about the same stuff for 3 hours. (If I ever even tried to do those things he'd never let it happen)... Yet I feel like I must be the one who's doing those things because I'm the one who's being impacted by those actions.

My biggest worry is that he'll spend this week dealing with her house cleaning issues, and then next week something else will come up and it will keep going on and on. He told me a month ago that things would be getting better "soon" and that she would be interfering less, not more. So far, it's only gotten worse.

If it's not going to get better, then I'm just wasting my time. Unfortunately, no one can see the future and I know myself well enough to see that as long as he's present in my life in some form, I'm going to want to keep him around.

She's thinking about moving to a place with lower costs (we live in California... it's not cheap here by any means) and I guess that's a part of why she's wanting the house cleaned-- but I feel like any "regular" person should be able to clean their house on their own... at least when it comes to going through boxes and stuff.

When he's here, and not dealing with all this other stuff, he's a great boyfriend, an amazing friend, and we get along really well. I do love him.

I'm having a really hard time getting out what I actually intend to say... finding the reason behind my feelings instead of just the feelings themselves... and I know that comes off in a way that is probably kind of "attacking" him...

When I finally found the right words (that came about in reading replies from you guys) he was able to better understand what I meant. I think I get so caught up in the emotion of it all that it makes it tough to really say anything at all.

Hopefully someone will post something that will lead me in the right direction.

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 5:56:39 AM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28
Hopefully someone will post something that will lead me in the right direction.

Yeah, hopefully 'cuz nothing said so far is sinking in at all, apparently

luci

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 6:17:00 AM

daintydimples

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I'm going to take a stab at this one. . .

Cheating isn't just about sex, the actual sex act is the least of it. When you've been cheated on, you feel abandoned, you feel betrayed. IMO it is not necessary to have sex with someone else to cheat on your other. I can see how in your situation you feel he is abandoning you emotionally by going to help his ex.

This is a man who seems to love having females dependent on him. That YOU are so dependent on him leaves you with few options. Please, spend the next week taking steps to change that, as others have suggested. Once you are no longer financially dependent on him, take a deep breath and ask yourself why you wish to stay with a man who cheats on you.

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 6:34:27 AM

angelikaJ

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You have cmail (you may wish to look in your bulk folder).

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 7:00:28 AM

estah

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You mentioned that he had children, sorry but compared to them you need to understand you will always take second place. If that means helping the ex get on her feet so that she is healthy then so be it. If the parents are doing badly it carries on to the children and you mentioned he fears access to his children. I would suggest that you show some understanding and talks to him about the future of you both. But for now give him his break.
estah

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RE: The Latest - 7/18/2009 7:36:55 AM

pixidustpet

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as a mom with imps who dont live with me....

my ex has told his g/f that yes, i will always be in his life. same thing with your dominant and his ex wife. she is ALWAYS going to be in his life because they are parents together, and hopefully working towards the happiness of their imps.

if the boxes being dealt with are *their* things from *their* marriage, he *does* have a right/responsibility to be there. i dont know if you've ever moved with someone else, but generally things are all jumbled up together. when my ex and i split, there were plenty of boxes that had to be gone through to separate "his" and "hers", also things that were combined as ours that needed to be gone through (photographs, for example, who got what...and christmas ornaments, who wanted which ones). its not so simple as "helping clean house". if they were married more than a couple of years, they have to do some of this together.

i know, you dont want to hear that. you want him to be all simple and have no history before YOU. but its not that way. he DOES have a history, and the kids have a right to their father no matter how they have to get him. if that means giving some way to the ex, either *you* learn to deal with it (because he's made it clear that he is going to deal with it as he has been) or you learn to deal without him. and yeah, having fewer resources and no computer WILL suck ass...but what do you want? to still be banging your head on the same boulder and expecting it to be cushioned and not hurt the next time?

contrary to the beetles' hit, love is not all you need. you can choose to be happy in this relationship...or you can choose to not be in the relationship. if the things he is doing now are making you *that* unhappy, perhaps this isnt the relationship for you. or you can choose to enjoy this break from him, get things done in your home that you havent done if he's home, and welcome him back joyfully when he comes back.

look at this as a bizarre poly experience, if you will...the change in your mindset may help you feel differently. and BTW, it doesnt matter if he's not having sex with her. you're being as unhappy with his time spent *there* as if he was.

i'm not saying chose this or choose that. its not my place, its not my relationship. i'm saying that YOU deserve happiness, and that YOU are the one who has to make the choices, not anyone else around here.

kitten, who did leave where she was told "i love you but i'm not IN love with you" when that small ration of a hug or two a day didnt near come close to filling her needs. now i still love him, but am accepting he has happiness elsewhere, and that's ok too.

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