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RainydayNE -> just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:14:31 AM)

don't really know if i'll even come back
and in case anyone lives in my area,
well, you guys are usually good at not blabbering about other people's secrets or whatever

i've been gone for a while, my Dom and i were getting the definition of "our life" hammered out, looking for a house together, talking about kids and stuff like that
june 5, 2009, he died.

it's not like losing a friend. it's not even like losing a "regular" boyfriend.
it's like...
i can't even describe what it's like.
and nobody gets it because they don't understand the magnitude of what was going on between us.

and i'm up at 2 am, and i've more or less resolved to kill myself once we finish the last couple of things we're doing for him
i think he'd be upset about it, but at the same time, i don't know what to do without him
and even if i had to pay some kind of suicide penance after dying, it would be better to wait over there where he's near
than to be stuck here all alone
where i'm somehow expected to put my "life" back together and function the way people are used to me functioning
but nobody understands that there is no such thing as regular life.
not anymore.

i dunno

i figure you guys will probably understand.
i've read threads by s's who've lost their D's/M's, but He was so young. and there was nothing wrong. we were on the verge of seriously and concretely attaching our lives together. it was all just a really horrible accident.
one minute he's right there laughing, and the next minute he's literally GONE.
no "goodbyes," no nothing
just gone

no idea what to do now.




GreedyTop -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:21:45 AM)

oh Rainy... I amSOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry to hear this...   my mailbox is always open, darling...   feel free, ok?

and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, do not think of killing yourself... would he want you to do that?  Even if he was only half the man you know he was, then you know the answer to that question...

email me...




wandersalone -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:26:28 AM)

Rainy there aren't adequate words to say how sad I am to hear about your loss of your Dom.  It sounds like not only are you feeling grief stricken but also lost and alone.  This is understandable given what has just happened. 

You mention not knowing what to do without him.  It is early days, it is common to feel like this.  My sister in law says that she felt like this for at least the first three months after my brother died suddenly.  she too wanted to kill herself only she chose a slow way and drank heavily.  One day she realised that there were people around her who loved her and were scared that she too would die and slowly she started to work through her sadness and grief. 

You are not alone, there are people here who are here for you.  Please let us support you rather than facing it alone.  In the days and weeks and months ahead show us the wonderful qualities and strength that attracted your dom to you, yes the pain and sadness must be overwhelming at times but allow us to help you



some information from the AAS
website, there are phone numbers at the bottom.  Please please ring one and talk to someone.  You are not alone and you are loved.   



If you are considering suicide
The last thing that most people expect is that they will run out of reasons to live. But if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to know that you’re not alone. By some estimates, as many as one in six people will become seriously suicidal at some point in their lives.
Some Important Facts AAS Would Like to Share with You

  • Suicidal thinking is usually associated with problems that can be treated.
Clinical depression, anxiety disorders, chemical dependency, and other disorders produce profound emotional distress. They also interfere with effective problem-solving. But you need to know that studies show that the vast majority of people who receive appropriate treatment improve or recover completely. Even if you have received treatment before, you should know that different treatments work better for different people in different situations. Several tries are sometimes necessary before the right combination is found.
  • If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that solutions don’t exist, only that you are currently unable to see them.
Therapists and counselors (and sometimes friends) can help you to see solutions that otherwise are not apparent to you.
  • Suicidal crises are almost always temporary.
Although it might seem as if your unhappiness will never end, it is important to realize that crises are usually time-limited. Solutions are found, feelings change, unexpected positive events occur. Suicide is sometimes referred to as “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Don’t let suicide rob you of better times that will come your way when you allow more time to pass.
  • Problems are seldom as great as they appear at first glance.
Job loss, financial problems, loss of important people in our lives – all such stressful events can seem catastrophic at the time they are happening. Then, month or years later, they usually look smaller and more manageable. Sometimes, imagining ourselves "five years down the road" can help us to see that a problem that currently seems catastrophic will pass and that we will survive.
  • Reasons for living can help sustain a person in pain.
A famous psychologist once conducted a study of Nazi concentration camp survivors, and found that those who survived almost always reported strong beliefs about what was important in life. You, too, might be able to strengthen your connection with life if you consider what has sustained you through hard times in the past. Family ties, religion, love of art or nature, and dreams for the future are just a few of the many aspects of life that provide meaning and gratification, but which we can lose sight of due to emotional distress.
Do not keep suicidal thoughts to yourself!

Help is available for you, whether through a friend, therapist, or member of the clergy. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. This can be your first step on the road to healing.
  Telephone Numbers for More Information on Receiving Help
National Mental Health Association 703-684-7722
Anxiety Disorders Association of America 301-231-9350
American Psychological Association 202-336-5500
American Psychiatric Association 202-682-6000
Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association 312-642-0049
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill 703-524-7600
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK(8255)




JackHammer2000 -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:28:24 AM)

I don't know you, but I offer you my most sincere condolences and sympathies.

I'm sure you have other, betrter friends, but just in case they are not around, and if you need someone to chat with, please feel free to send me a message and I'll send you my contact info.

I wish you all the strength and comfort you deserve during your time of grief and sorrow.




RainydayNE -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:52:05 AM)

i dont know if i have better friends
i dont know alot of you guys, but still, there are things that i'm trying to process and the only people who would understand are you guys
nobody in my "real life" would

he was the first friend i made when i moved here, the first non-school related person i met, he became my best friend, he was everything to me
i didn't even feel like i needed anybody else, i didn't bother with seriously making other friends
i've got some
but none of them are really close enough to understand
not really
i dunno

what does a body do when it suddenly loses its head?
he was my leader




wandersalone -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 1:50:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainydayNE

i dont know if i have better friends
i dont know alot of you guys, but still, there are things that i'm trying to process and the only people who would understand are you guys
nobody in my "real life" would


The people you know may not understand the intricacies of s D/s relationship however I am sure they would be able to empathise with losing someone so important in your life. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: RainydayNE
what does a body do when it suddenly loses its head?
he was my leader


What would he want you to do?  I imagine he would want you to focus for now on taking each day minute by minute, on trying to get regular sleep, on remembering to eat, on talking to people and not going through this alone and on making him proud of you.







DarkSteven -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 3:27:09 AM)

I am SO sorry to hear this.  I've enjoyed chatting with you, and had no idea.

You have mail.




CatdeMedici -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 3:53:44 AM)

Oh honey, I am so deeply sorry--yes we can understand your pain to some degree, though there are those that poopoo it, I do feel that the bonds we build in this WIITWD are at times deeper than a vanilla relationship--I  mean we allow ourselfes to tortuer each other for gods sake, that has to count fro something, right? <soft smile and hugs>
 
I am sure after all the time to look, you feel such deep despair--and yet there must be some joy in the memories of what you T/two had. No Master would not want you to end your life, I am sure He would want you to work through this and tr to find happiness once again or at least fomd some peace---yet it takes time, one step, one breath, one tear, one sigh at a time.
 
I am here as we all are to talk, chat, hug, support---feel free to CMail Me as well if you'd like.  Breathe...




MistressDiane -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 4:13:22 AM)

We don't know each other but I give my deepest sympathies. Contact me if you'd like and I'll send you my number, I can offer an a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen and a heart to feel for you. For some odd reason sometimes it helps to talk to strangers. I'm like you in that I don't have many close relationships outside my core ones, never had much use for them but when I went through dark times it would have been easier to have a few more I could've turned to.




VirginPotty -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 6:19:57 AM)

{{{{{{{Deep Comforting HUGS for Rainy}}}}}}}}

I am so very sorry to hear about your tremendous loss. Please, please don't do anything rash. Take time to grieve, talk to people, scream, hit a pillow over & over again, run until you're exhausted or just vent here on the Boards. You're in an extremely sad & vulnerable place right now where you believe there's no life w/o him, but Rainy there is, you just have to give it time. Don't do anything to yourself, there's no taking it back and you'll be adding to the grief of everyone that loved the both of you.

Many folks have offered their emails on the other side & I'd like to offer mine also. 
We love you & will help you thru this the best that we can.

I'm so sorry.




sirsholly -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 6:44:53 AM)

*gentle hug*

Try to think of your grief as a tower, made of huge stones. There is but one small window at the very top of the tower, allowing you to have an occasional glance into the outside world. No one can get in, as there are no doors. You are encased in this tower, in grief, and that is ok, it is where you need to be right now. But there are others who love you waiting outside. You are going to have to break out of this tower by yourself. As much as they want to, your loved ones cannot help you. It is you that must begin to loosen the stones and knock down the walls that have you trapped. It is not easy. You do not have to completely escape, just break down the walls enough to allow others to climb in. You can do it. You have the strength.

I know you want to die. I did too when i lost my husband. I tried and failed. What an insult it would have been to him if i had succeeded! He was an awesome man and he gave his heart to me. He gave his heart to a strong woman, a woman who he saw as courageous. He did not love one who was weak, who could not go on, who did not have the strength to break down her tower. I owed it to him to honor who he was and the gifts he gave to me. I owed it to him and to myself to keep that love alive by passing it on to others in the new life i built for myself.

I am not strong, am in no way exceptional or brave. But i did it. You can, and you will. Do not dishonor him now and soon you will no longer wish to dishonor yourself.




RainydayNE -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 8:38:38 AM)

what you said reminds me of somethign he said
which i keep trying to remember, and then i think maybe he was wrong about me or something
he mentioned to me once about not living very long
he said he felt like he didn't quite jive with the world
the way he was talking about it made me cry, and he said "you dont like the idea of that much, do you"
but he said that he wanted to be with somebody who was strong enough to keep going even if he was gone
and he thought that i was
but then i think again maybe he was wrong





VirginPotty -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 8:41:41 AM)

He saw something in you that you don't see right now, Rainy. Hold onto that.
He couldn't have been wrong......didn't you know that Doms are never wrong? <Gentle Hug>




aravain -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 9:16:37 AM)

~FR~

Mourning shows strength. That you're mourning is something to be proud of; something that he would likely be proud of, to. That you can talk about the pain... that's the hardest part. Sometimes the best way to heal a wound is to open it up... this is one of those times.

On the issue of AAS I would actually suggest against *EVER* contacting them for... anything. I've only met one person who fit their very, very, narrow mold. I'll hold my tongue from here on out on that issue, though.




lronitulstahp -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 12:16:45 PM)

Rainy,
i can't begin to tell you how much you sharing your feelings here has affected me. Your partner, friend, lover...He's gone. But the love you had for Him, the memories of your time together, the hope you brought him until the end.....those things live on in you. When we lose someone we love, those parts of them that live on in us...that's our greatest inheritance. Nurthure yourself, love yourself, allow yourself time to heal, time to express the unsaid words....and allow that part of Him in you to live on.

G-d bless you during this difficult time.




stella41b -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 1:03:27 PM)

In your mourning
It seems that your life too has passed away
In your sadness
You're perhaps searching for that place
To run and hide
Escape the grief engulfing you
But you know hiding
Is such a lonely thing to do
We can't stop the pain
Or the grief you feel today
We can't stop the pain
But we can stand strong with you until it fades away

In your mourning
You feel the loss for all that's gone
Without your loved one
You may feel there's not much point to carry on
But you know
To give up wouldn't be what he'd want
And though it's hard
He would want you standing strong
We can't stop the pain
Or the grief you feel today
We can't stop the pain
But we can stand strong with you until it fades away


I'm so sorry for your loss, though it's nice to see you again

My mailbox is open for you


stella




Marc2b -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 1:12:41 PM)

To steal a phrase attributed to Lincoln… I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from your grief for a loss so overwhelming.

So I will not attempt to do so. Your grief is justified and well earned. I would only ask that you not despair. While a part of you will always carry a sadness around, know that grief will pass and one day you will feel the warm sun on your face and smile again; you will receive a hug from a friend and know warmth again. You will know laughter again.

Until then, do not be afraid to reach out and grasp the many hands that are reaching out to you be they family, friends, neighbors, or the good people here at CM.

My deepest sympathies and condolences on your loss.




DesFIP -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 2:03:40 PM)

Rainy hugs for you. Lots of them.

But suicide is not the answer. You already know that he didn't want you to do this. Go for help, any hospital ER can help. Your doctor's office will help. Your brain is temporarily not functioning normally, so get the meds needed to get you to a place where you can grieve easier, where you can cry again.

He's watching you. Live so he's proud of the woman he sees. The woman he knows better than she now knows herself.




MsFlutter -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 2:18:12 PM)

I feel what you've said in my heart. I am familiar with that kind of pain. I'm so very sorry to hear of this tragedy.
 
Its's difficult when life as we know it is yanked out from underneath us and we have no safety net in place. It's a terrible, frightening, heartcrushing place to be. Don't panic and do remember to breathe. Don't act on any rash instincts. One moment at a time, one breath at a time. Stay safe and stay near people who will help you thru the fog.
 
 




Rule -> RE: just looking to talk to someone (7/8/2009 2:51:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainydayNE
june 5, 2009, he died.

I am sorry to hear about your loss.
 
May the God of the Dead take care of him and reward him according to his merits.
 
You said that your Dom felt that he did not jive with the world. Thus there is reason to assume that his passing was due to Divine intervention in response to his plight. It would be wise to accept this proposition, I think. Accept and mourn the prescribed time.
 
Your Dom recognized your strength. If you are a natural submissive, as indications are, you do indeed have such strength. You need to focus on YOU, for that is your strength.
 
I have never consoled the bereaved. I do think that you ought to be consoled by those who are far more compassionate than I, such as those who offered such help above.
 
I do know that it is not your time and that the God of the Dead very much wishes you to live and to have a great life. So do live, for that will please the God of the Dead. It will please me.
 




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