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Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 2:11:22 AM

QueenRiley

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

I ask the following question on behalf of a Dom friend of mine.

My friend is a guy who in everyday life is not dominant. He is just a normal guy. Dominant at times, submissive at others.

However, sexually he is dominant...in terms of not wanting to sexually submit in any way.

His lust and desire to be associated with BDSM comes from his personal desire to manipulate and control others...preferably those who want to be owned...i.e. slaves.

In lamens terms, he gets more joy out of owning others...than dominating them.

He has come to me on occasion expressing a problem with this. He sees other Doms who are brazen forces of nature. Constantly putting women and men in their places, and never letting up.

Where he in turn likes to "play" Dom, explore his kinky side, do the occasional scene...but even still, his mind will wander back to his natural neutral mindset and he in turn lets his pet get away with stuff that most other Doms...supposedly wouldn't.

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

Post #: 1

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 2:14:51 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley
So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

That seriously depends on the whim of the mob, to be honest. He's going to find a lot of people challenging him, belittling him, and attempting to undermine his authority. And he's going to find a lot of girls shying away from him, because anyone who's that kind of a target "can't possibly be a real dom".

So the answer is, it's all a social construct, and it's going to depend on how charismatic and manipulative he is. If he can pull it off, then yes, he's a Dom. If he can't pull it off, then he'll quickly learn to not try to "be weird" around kinky people.

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 2

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 2:49:04 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom?

He could call himself Father Xmas if he wants... it's a good name for a player and i think that user name is free.
Edited to add: and with respect i would ask him to ask his own questions on here it might make him more of a man.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 7/5/2009 2:51:50 AM >

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(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 3

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 2:56:41 AM

QueenRiley

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom?

He could call himself Father Xmas if he wants... it's a good name for a player and i think that user name is free.
Edited to add: and with respect i would ask him to ask his own questions on here it might make him more of a man.

Ouch! I do believe that one stung.

But for the record, I'm asking this on my own. He didn't ask me to post this. I merely am seeking the opinion of my brothers and sisters in BDSM.

But thank you nonetheless for the enlightening thought.

< Message edited by QueenRiley -- 7/5/2009 2:57:19 AM >

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 4

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 3:52:41 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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Yes, there's a place for him. He just needs to find a partner that fits with his nature. Not all dominants are "showy", for lack of a better term.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 5

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:02:22 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

There are no hard and fast rules--the terms Dominant and submissive are only frames, the rest of the picture should be filled in by the relationships that then get formed, be they 24/7 or be they play.

If he finds a slave that is happy with what he offers, then he will be a Dominant to them and who are we to care?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 6

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:08:32 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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It sounds to me like he is a bedroom Dom. And yes, there are women who want to be Dominated in the bedroom, and nowhere else.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 7

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:12:21 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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( I swore I just posted this)--I did, sorry there was a time lag--edited to get more coffee

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 7/5/2009 4:13:13 AM >

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 8

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:29:47 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It sounds to me like he is a bedroom Dom. And yes, there are women who want to be Dominated in the bedroom, and nowhere else.

This is what I was going to say. It seems as though his main attraction to BDSM is kinky sex which is fine. I'm not sure he could fit into BDSM society as a Dom if his kink is confined to the bedroom but maybe that wouldn't really matter to him then anyway.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:32:05 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Yup. I would think he might have an easier time finding someone, in fact. And, you never know, if he finds the right partner, they may decide to kick it up a notch!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 4:54:33 AM

poeticfreak

Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline

What others think isn't really relevant. We are who we are, and the labels we use are generally just broad tags that say I fit somewhere in this general area. So as long as he's happy with who he is then there's no problem.

_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 11

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:02:52 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

I ask the following question on behalf of a Dom friend of mine.

My friend is a guy who in everyday life is not dominant. He is just a normal guy. Dominant at times, submissive at others.

However, sexually he is dominant...in terms of not wanting to sexually submit in any way.

His lust and desire to be associated with BDSM comes from his personal desire to manipulate and control others...preferably those who want to be owned...i.e. slaves.

In lamens terms, he gets more joy out of owning others...than dominating them.

He has come to me on occasion expressing a problem with this. He sees other Doms who are brazen forces of nature. Constantly putting women and men in their places, and never letting up.

Where he in turn likes to "play" Dom, explore his kinky side, do the occasional scene...but even still, his mind will wander back to his natural neutral mindset and he in turn lets his pet get away with stuff that most other Doms...supposedly wouldn't.

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

There's nothing and no-one to exclude him, to be honest.

He's interested in playing* with people that want what he has to offer. That's the same thing for everyone, from people who live this way 24/7, to the most casual player.

It's no use comparing himself to *other doms*....Everyone interested in D/s or bdsm are just individuals and doing it *their way*.

There is no *place* to be had.

agirl

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 12

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:22:12 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

Where he in turn likes to "play" Dom, explore his kinky side, do the occasional scene...but even still, his mind will wander back to his natural neutral mindset and he in turn lets his pet get away with stuff that most other Doms...supposedly wouldn't.

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

i might be way off beam here, but if he has a partner who pushes and tests to get him to react in a way hed rather not and doesnt come naturally to him then he is possibly with the wrong person.

all relationships are a two way street. it doesnt matter how a person is orientated or what he wishes to call himself, what matters is that the people involved are on the same page and respect each others needs within that relationship.

youre friend possibly needs to find a submissive that isnt looking for as much TPE.

it isnt so much who and what he is and if he can consider himself one thing or another, its about compatibility amongst a vast range of possiblities and a huge variety of people. he needs to work out what he wants from a relationship and then go find someone who wants the same things.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/5/2009 5:24:08 AM >

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 13

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:39:26 AM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

I would say you are describing the majority of so called dominants who frequent this and other sites as well. They are attracted to the fantasy of ownership, they are excited by the possibility of ownership, and they have no idea how or why such a thing can exist.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 14

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:39:59 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley
my brothers and sisters in BDSM.

Who????

This is the problem, and it is your misunderstanding, not his. There is no brotherhood of BDSM. There's nothing to belong to, and nothing to be excluded from, as agirl pointed out.

He will be more likely to be happy if he concentrates on finding a real person in real life who really likes him... instead of behaving so he can fit in at a spank-me-whip-me club, or a kinky online chatroom.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 15

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 7:32:41 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

He might enjoy a BDSM community, or these forums. It is hard to tell, depends on the person and what they seek. I am not the 'typical' submissive, nor do I believe there is such a thing. I do honor who I am and my submissiveness works well for me. I do not question it 'any more'. This forum has contributed to my learning and understanding of myself. I am forever grateful to this forum for helping me become comfortable with who I am.

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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 16

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 7:49:11 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello QueenRiley. In my opinion a dominant or submissive personality in a BDSM lifestyle has
to be a lot more than just liking to top in sex. No, he is no dom, even if he likes BDSM kink. A lot
of vanilla lifestylers do BDSM kink and a lot of BDSM lifestylers are not ''that'' heavy into kink.

I think of sexuality has being connected to the whole not just the genitals. Just my opinion. RL

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 17

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 8:00:11 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Like Dark Steven says I would say he is a bedroom dom, and there are a lot of people who fit this role or its counterpart. However..I would add one thing to it. A slave implies that he wants this person to be at his beck and call whenever he has a bug up his ass to play games and to otherwise move along. I would not call this a bedroom dom as much as I would call him a player. One that is looking for an EASY lay he does not have to work hard to find.
Ahh.. the bar days.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

His lust and desire to be associated with BDSM comes from his personal desire to manipulate and control others...preferably those who want to be owned...i.e. slaves.

In lamens terms, he gets more joy out of owning others...than dominating them.

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 18

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:30:55 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley
my brothers and sisters in BDSM.

Who????

This is the problem, and it is your misunderstanding, not his. There is no brotherhood of BDSM. There's nothing to belong to, and nothing to be excluded from, as agirl pointed out.

I don't think the use of that phrase was meant as anything more than the equivalent of a friendly "my fellow kinksters".

As evidenced by the existence of this site, we are a community even though that fact doesn't necessarily suggest anything other than each of us having our own type of sexual/PE deviance

_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 19

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:36:49 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley
He has come to me on occasion expressing a problem with this. He sees other Doms who are brazen forces of nature. Constantly putting women and men in their places, and never letting up.

Where, exactly does he see these other doms? In porn movies? On internet posts? How long does he envision these "brazen forces of nature" actually keep a collar around someone's neck assuming for a moment that they have, in fact, actually successfully collared someone.

quote:

Where he in turn likes to "play" Dom, explore his kinky side, do the occasional scene...but even still, his mind will wander back to his natural neutral mindset and he in turn lets his pet get away with stuff that most other Doms...supposedly wouldn't.

See answer above... where, exactly, is he getting this information about "most doms". Let's try to remember the general level of strutting and posturing that is done among doms. By the way, Carol and I were just lauging last night becase she said to me, "I like playing Master/slave". So perhaps as a secondary question... where exactly did the word "play" get to have negative connotations? Isn't play... fun? You know... a good thing?

quote:

So here's my question. Can a man like this really call himself a Dom? Is there a place in BDSM for his personality?

Yes... well... from your somewhat tangled description, I'd have called him a top, not a dom but the label games are fundamentally pointless. Will he be able to find women who want to have a little sexual fun & games, enjoying feeling like they are "owned" in the bedroom? Sure, why not? I'd actually assume such women are way way more common than those seeking something 24x7, tpe-ish.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 20

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