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RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:46:19 AM

sweetsub1957

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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

My friend is a guy who in everyday life is not dominant. He is just a normal guy. Dominant at times, submissive at others.

However, sexually he is dominant...in terms of not wanting to sexually submit in any way.

His lust and desire to be associated with BDSM comes from his personal desire to manipulate and control others...preferably those who want to be owned...i.e. slaves.

I'd say he's part bedroom Dom, part control-freak. A person can be either/or or both.

~edited for font size~

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 7/5/2009 9:47:24 AM >

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RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:48:20 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
As evidenced by the existence of this site, we are a community even though that fact doesn't necessarily suggest anything other than each of us having our own type of sexual/PE deviance

I don't even conceptualize at least my perception of power exchange focus as a deviance, simply a greater awareness of what is inherently an aspect of all relationships (Power dynamics). 'Course, that in and of itself is a deviance from the norm and it is fun being a deviant, lol! :>
Davan

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Post #: 22

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:52:08 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

'Course, that in and of itself is a deviance from the norm and it is fun being a deviant, lol! :>
Davan

Particularly with a playroom as delicious as yours.

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Post #: 23

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 9:53:32 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Will he be able to find women who want to have a little sexual fun & games, enjoying feeling like they are "owned" in the bedroom? Sure, why not? I'd actually assume such women are way way more common than those seeking something 24x7, tpe-ish.

10 points.

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Post #: 24

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 10:01:30 AM

cicadasidhe

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Joined: 2/2/2009
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A PLACE .. FORSURE, my partner is currently involved with a dom that is friendly courteous and even amiable from what i have heard but when its time to play can kick her ass but good. There are lots of ways human sexuality can be expressed and experienced, some are seemingly more popular or avarage than others but there is a place for all.Obviously not all want the same thing .

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 25

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 10:03:49 AM

Plutonic

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Joined: 7/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley
He sees other Doms who are brazen forces of nature. Constantly putting women and men in their places, and never letting up.

They might look like "forces of nature" outwardly, but inside they are like the rest of us- a mix of contradictions. They have to be- that's the difference between a force of nature and a human being. That's why even the dullest human is more interesting than a cloud. A force of nature does only one thing- a human can do many things- though most of us never get near exploring our potential repertoire. If a man feel the need to be "constantly putting men and women in their places and never letting up" then I'd wonder why he feels such desperation- what is he afraid of?

If met some very tough people in my time- the great majority were just quietly assertive- they had nothing to prove.

Your friend should be himself, and hang out with people who are content to let him be himself. Anyone can call himself anything, but we're generally happier when we chose a role that we can play convincingly to those whose company we keep.

< Message edited by Plutonic -- 7/5/2009 10:16:19 AM >

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 26

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 10:11:40 AM

Rhembein

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I agree with the bedroom Dom thing. And I would say there are probably more 'nilla' type women who would be into that sort of thing than we realize. I think alot of subs start out that way. There's lots of flavors of kink out there... I'm sure he has a match. :)

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RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 10:14:12 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

'Course, that in and of itself is a deviance from the norm and it is fun being a deviant, lol! :>
Davan

Particularly with a playroom as delicious as yours.

Why, thank you! :> I am proud of my creation and intend to use it for grown-up goodness sometime before my head explodes, lol! In the meantime, it is a fabulous hang-out space. :>
Davan

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Post #: 28

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 11:01:55 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

My friend...............is just a normal guy.

Dominant at times, submissive at others.

I can relate to the first line.

I'm pretty much your everyday bloke. I wouldn't dream of waltzing into an everyday situation and attempt to take control. In fact - I'd get taken apart were I to try. No one likes a show off - and no one worth his/her salt is going to let anyone take charge in a situation where it hasn't been agreed. All of my mates and all of my family wouldn't allow it - I'd soon lose friends and get knocked right off my perch.

I can't relate to the second sentence. I'm very much an easy life type of person - and that to me means having a fairly equal place in the pack among friends etc - not dominant; not submissive - simply respectful of the fact that there are no agreements. In fact I'm the type that were I to see someone getting a hard time I wouldn't take advantage of it and keep him in 'his place' - I'd engineer a chat and say: "look - you need to give as good as you get mate".

The main thing is though that I don't have the time/inclination/will/energy to play the hero among friends. Life's too short to see it as a continuous contest - and where you're going to contest every battle then you're going to have to expend a whole lot of energy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRiley

He sees other Doms who are brazen forces of nature. Constantly putting women and men in their places, and never letting up.

They would get eaten alive over here - I mean that. We may appreciate understatement and perhaps we're more reserved - but as said no one likes a show off - and where you're going to put yourself forward for that sort of carry on (in other words he matters but you don't matter) then the mob are going to sort you out.

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RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 12:04:16 PM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
with respect ... more of a man.

I cannot find any way to interpret your statement where these two phrases make any sense together.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 30

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:20:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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So he's laid back and not constantly seeking to punish. Sounds like a good guy for a long term relationship in my view. I imagine he's also picking smart subs who don't need micromanaging, just a clear explanation of the rules they are to follow.

If he considers himself a dominant, albeit mostly in the bedroom, and she considers him a dominant, especially in the bedroom, then what's the problem? Tell him to play in private and not compete with others who are more showy tops, and as long as the two of them are happy, that's all that matters.

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Post #: 31

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/5/2009 5:30:31 PM

LilKittenSub

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Joined: 9/20/2007
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As far as I am concerned and as far as I have seen in BDSM, there is no hard line definition of what a dom or a submissive is. There isn't a hard line definition for master and slave. Some people want 24/7 total power exchange, which works for them. Some others, myself included, want to be able to present themselves to the world in general as a normal couple, and then in the privacy of our own home, then give up control. Some people don't want total exchange, some do. BDSM is simply a blanket term used for SEVERAL forms of alternative lifestyle/tastes/kinks/fetishes/etc.

My only suggestion would be that if he did decide to go to a party or anything of that sort, that he be prepared for other doms to possible try to belittle or challenge his authority with his own sub. Several groups that I've been to have rules against such things, but others do not, and often the enforcement of those rules is lax and only enforced in the most extreme cases.

I have met doms who could control their subs with just a look or a gesture, and others who needed to be seen as forces of nature and were far more brutal. Every dom has their own style, and it's only natural he would have his own as well. Once he finds a sub that suits his style, he will more than likely flourish and find himself much more comfortable around other Dom's. Most doms that I have talked to express that finding a sub that suits their style well helps to make them feel more secure with themselves and their own style, and they find that other Dom's do not bother them as much.

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Post #: 32

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/6/2009 4:26:09 AM

CNJDom

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From: Southern NJ
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QueenRiley: Your friend sort of reminds me of the guy that doesn't dance publicly, and may (if in the rarest of moods) dance ONE slow dance once a blue moon, but generally is uncomfortable with the concept. The problem is he might WANT to dance some, and just feels trapped in discomfort over what the concept is and how reality is applied. He doesn't want to look like a fool in front of others, and fears comparison. I'd like to say "male ego" is involved here (though I know the fear of comparison is more a human nature thing). The conflct is that he may be feeling insecure, and isn't accepting totally his role in the lifestyle.

I would suggest that your Dom friend should be honest with himself and really reflect the quality of his current post and position as it pertains to the lifestyle. Assess that if he is truly happy currently or merely settling at this point. I agree from other's posts that this person will or has the potential to come off as a weird person...and in this lifestyle, to be judged weird is to become one of an elite class that you may not want to be in, since well the population of peers knows what it's like to be thought of as weird or out of place. With sureness, your friend isn't being comfortable with being out of place. The kink-community is widely accepting of many fetish, orientation, desires and lusts, but to be judged weird by OUR standards? I don't think anybody wants that. Perhaps he could honestly take a look, seek out others to help guide him along slowly with patience and un-learn a few things and learn a few good and useful things to get him out of an internal stigma on how people act towards others. If it is in him to be a Dominant beyond the bedroom, then great cultivate that and grow. If he finds he's not going to get past this point, then his acceptance of this level could be a problem on most of the submissive population, but there may be a counter-part out there that may find what he has to offer is all she wants. Good luck.

< Message edited by CNJDom -- 7/6/2009 4:31:32 AM >

(in reply to QueenRiley)

Post #: 33

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/6/2009 5:09:47 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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Just wondering OP if the person you mention in this thread is also this person you mention in your journal.... maybe he is simply into kinky sex or topping in the bedroom.

"Hello pets! A local non community friend of mine is looking to pay $100 dollars to someone he can do a spanking session with. No sex...except for head...if your the head giving type. But yeah! Do you need money? Have a couple hours on a boring day to burn? Let me know!
Ps. You have my promise he's not some crazy."

edited to fix the colour of the journal post

< Message edited by wandersalone -- 7/6/2009 5:11:17 AM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Is there a place for this kind of Dom? - 7/6/2009 7:26:38 AM

GoddessKai

Posts: 119
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From: Hazel Park, Michigan
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I'm inclined to agree with those saying that there isn't really anything to "belong to", save for the fact that we're all here because we or our sexual appetites usually fall somewhere outside the lines of a normal vanilla relationship.

I've met numerous submissives and Dominants (here and other places) that look for the same thing your friend does. D/s in the bedroom and really nowhere else.

I myself am pretty lax in the way I allow any submissive of Mine to act, but does that mean I don't "belong" in a group of both like-minded Dominants and Dominants who have a different view on how their subs/slaves should act? Does that mean I consider Myself less Dominant than any other Dom/me? No. I like what I like and they like what they like.

< Message edited by GoddessKai -- 7/6/2009 7:33:02 AM >

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 35

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