Death

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NightTigress -> Death (6/17/2009 5:49:32 PM)
My roommate's as well as my Master's girlfriend's Grandfather died today of cancer, the same type mine died of a couple years ago. It is killing me being so close to this, but there is enough separation between me and those related that no one seems to notice me. I want to help but I feel like there is nothing I can do. One of the worst things for me is knowing that the grandmother is most likely going to pass on shortly as well. There is no way I can talk to the already sad and tell them it is just going to get worse. Part of why I wrote this is to just have a place to say what I can't say to anyone around me, but also if you would like to contribute something I would appreciate hearing other thoughts, stories or opinions.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 5:51:55 PM)
i find that a hug and an "i am so sorry for your loss" works well when no words can be found.

sophia37 -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 5:53:03 PM)
I'm pretty sure your job right now is to listen. That's a very positive thing to do for others. Good luck to you. It isn't easy.

Arpig -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:00:36 PM)
You know how in those old movies, when there's a funeral, and people drop by to offer their condolences with some sort of food? Well there's a reason people used to do that, its easy, its cheap, its from the heart, and the recipient will really appreciate it, there's nothing more welcome in a time of mourning than to not have to stop and cook a meal. So my advice, bake them a cassarole or something, and drop by wherever they are gathered, offer your condolences "I'm so sorry for your loss, if I can help out in any way, just give me a call", hand them the cassarole and be on your way. As to the grandmother passing on in the near future, I am pretty sure they are aware of that as well, and even if they weren't, what possible good could come of telling them? It won't change anything, it will only deepen their pain, and ostracise you from them, in which case you won't be able to do anything for them. I just reread, and noticed it is your roommate. Well in that case just make supper for the next few days, so she doesn't have to bother with that, and she can mourn.

NightTigress -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:11:17 PM)
The family is now in another city, and drowning in food that was gifted to them. I can understand it but it still hurts. My Master's girlfriend called his computer thinking it was him that was on it, once she found out it was me she left as soon as she could.

Arpig -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:17:47 PM)
Well, in that case there really doesn't seem to be much you can do. You might consider sending flowers, or just waiting till the next time you see her to express your condolences. No matter how much you want to participate, you are not part of that family, and they need to be given their privacy and space to grieve. Lay low, and wait til you next see her is my advice.

NightTigress -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:26:47 PM)
Thank you Arpig, you told me mostly what I already knew, but in times like this I think that is what most needs to be said.

Kalista07 -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:27:53 PM)
My suggestions are, perhaps, too practical. When my dad died my mom's friends offered enormous support as did the community she resides in. People offered to do the most (seemingly) mundane things for her: mow her lawn, clean her house, help with laundry, make sure she had clothing for the services, offered to help her write thank you notes for the people who had dropped off food. One of the best suggestion i can give anyone is to remember and check in with the family one week, a few weeks, a month, three months, six months, etc with them. Because things are on when everyone is dropping by...bringing food, trying to keep their own grief in check...But people forget that as time passes...the feelings of grief, loss, guilt, shame, etc intensify. And then all of the people who all said, "call me if you need anything" are suddenly no where to be found. Kali

NightTigress -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:35:39 PM)
I am noticing as well reflecting back on Kalista's comment that it is true, after the funeral everyone expects you to be ok, so you are. Ever since hearing about there grandfather I started thinking about mine, and how I never truly reflected and "got over it." I was at a DND game when the phone call came for my room mate to get to Edmonton as fast as possible. I spent most of the rest of the night remembering the image of my dead grandfather and crying. I know I can not be the one that needs help now so I just do my best to deal as best I can and try and do what I can for those related to the recently dececed.

Arpig -> RE: Death (6/17/2009 6:35:52 PM)
No prob NT, you are welcome. And Kalista has a really good point about keeping in touch later on.

Irishknight -> RE: Death (6/19/2009 4:56:32 AM)
I just returned from the funeral of my best friend's dad. This man was like a second father to me. As such, the whole helping people who are grieving thing is on my mind as well. I would say that the best thing you can do is to let your loved ones know that you are there for them. Help them to support grandma by supporting them.

Rainfire -> RE: Death (6/19/2009 7:09:49 AM)
[&o] It's probably no help, NT, but I've never gotten over the deaths of my grandparents as well. I lost 3 of the 4 to cancer within about 3 1/2 years of each other. I was blessed to have them up to just a few years ago so I knew that when they started to die, I'd probably lose them all quickly, which is exactly what happened. I knew my father's dad was sick, I actually had it scheduled to go visit him (he lived in another state) on Monday morning and he died the Friday morning before I was to leave. The other grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 3 weeks later. He had an extremely rare, virulent form. {{{HUGS}}} Just remember that there are people who can relate to your situation and for your friend, be there when they need you, do what you can, and remember that listening and a hug can do wonders.

NightTigress -> RE: Death (6/19/2009 12:30:32 PM)
I wish to say a great big thank you for everyone who has contributed to this forum, it has really helped being able to talk about it and in return getting encouragement and ideas. You all have really helped me get through this part of it, now I just need to see how I can deal when my room mate comes back after the funeral on Monday.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: Death (6/19/2009 2:12:28 PM)
just be your self hon.....if that means crying, then cry. if it means making them smile, do it. one thing a cousin of mine said to me when dad died that made me giggle, and i have used it since with family and friends i knew it wouldnt piss off....tell them to make a list of everyone they want to cuss out and go do it. you have a few weeks where everything can be blamed on the grief![:D]

NightTigress -> RE: Death (6/19/2009 9:54:13 PM)
Thank you JstAnotherSub, I laughed so hard I cried a little thinking about your idea. It is brilliant. I am better now, I have decided to make a dessert for my room mate for when she gets back, I just need to decide what to make then I will be making it with a cake for my father.

oceanwinds -> RE: Death (6/20/2009 7:07:19 AM)
Death is a hard thing to experience. This past Thursday marked hubby's death anniversary. Even though it is 4 years, it still hurts at times. You know people are always around after you lose a love one, but then they fade away. They do not know how to deal with the widow/er. Perhaps just sending a card with 'you are in my thoughts' here and there will be of help. It helped me. blessings oceanwinds

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