Handling criticism... (Full Version)

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Jeptha -> Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 10:15:24 AM)

If it was ever a problem for you, can you share some of the ways that have been helpful to you in improving this particular skill?

I could try to elaborate, but I think I'd like to keep it fairly general for now.

Thanks.



Louve00 -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 10:21:55 AM)

I think, if we do our job, and live our lives seriously and to the best of our ability, its hard not to take criticism to heart.  On forum boards like these, of course, the first thing you should remember is to not take things too personally.  In life, unless the criticism is being directed at you negatively (meaning they are not being nice purposefully), then I would tend to put up my own sound-proof walls and tend to not take it personally.  Criticism from a boss, co-worker, or from someone trying to tell me the way they think would work better for me, I take as someone who wants to make me as good as I can be.  (whether I necessarily agree with them, want to agree with them, or should agree with them).  Depending on the matter, well...I usually consider any criticism...but classify it, in my own mind, as what to take to heart and what not to.

I know thats probably not giving you much help.  For me, I usually read the person's body language and intent...and go from there.  Never challenging criticism, but dismissing it, if I should.



philosophy -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 10:26:55 AM)

...think of criticism as an opportunity to perform a little thought experiment. Suppose, for the sake of argument, that they're right. Play it through. They may be wrong, but you might have the chance to find a false assumption you've made.



Jeptha -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 10:45:37 AM)

Thank you both for those thoughts - I will consider them more later, but right now I'm preparing to disengage from the computer and move onto other tasks.

What prompted the question, I think, was ... that I often read people complain about harsh treatment on the forums. For instance, I recall a thread a while back where there were two or three pages of replies to a post, and 95% of the replies were "constructive". The original poster, however, focused on the minority of negative replies and concluded that they would never post again, so jarring was the experience.

I would typically reply in a case like that that "you have to be able to take some criticism..."

But then, I'm not sure how one actually learns to do that.

Online criticism is generally not so much a problem for me, I think - I can get annoyed, but ultimately I don't invest too much energy in "being right" or appearing cool and unflappable (tho some who know me might be of a different opinion!)

In real life, tho, there are still areas where I can have buttons pushed and react without thinking.

I'm improving as I age, but it's still something I'd like to work on more.

It just occurred to me that I don't have too much of a concept really thought out about how to go about that. Not much ready to hand.

So I was wondering if others had thoughts along those lines.



LaTigresse -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 11:11:43 AM)

I think that the more self confidence we gain, the less painful it is. We become more confident in our abilities and less defensive about our, less than stellar, qualities.

None of us are perfect. There will always be people that see the imperfections more than the wonderful bits. It usually reflects more negatively on them, than the one they are criticising.

Such is life.



ShaharThorne -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 11:18:18 AM)

I have my faults but I take everything in stride. I try to find the positive in people, even if they are treating me shitty. IF the shit hits the fan too much, I just walk away and let them stew in their own vile juices.



GYPZYQUEEN -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 11:44:39 AM)

The last 2 days I have criticised a man on here and he has offered criticism back..I criticied how he criticises..
What occured is I enjoyed this and always do..I emjoyed being called on what another may see as my bullshit...and calling them on theirs..if I can look into myslef and my process then I am glad..if they can too it is even better..

We got a bit of name calling in which is immature and something I need to look at..
he also  messaged me privately in a very polite manner to basically say wtf? and redefine what he was talking about.
I am seeing what he means and preparing to make it known on the thread so others can  see I indeed look at what he said.
IT IS ALL ABOUT LEARNING...about yourself...adn others..interacting..

I think there is CONSTRUCTIVE and destuctive of course...
that being said and blabbing about me..

MANY cannot take the crtiticism on here becasue what occurs is as soon a s they get on..they get messages from old timers who see..they really DO SEE...what the person is about..wanna be..need to look at self etc and are not always that gentle..
they call out to the person to take a look at them selves..many can't..

I can see how someone who is fragile could be hurt and upset
as the same time many are kind..gentle and NOT blunt...

soooooo
yes we need to be able to accept...and at times endure and we have no way of knowing what the person's issues or esteem are like but need to keep it in mind
 
and JEPTHA..one way I prepared ( "concept")over the  years for responses and reactions I had...so as not to block or to be able filter out a learning was to think
 
FROM
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE COMES PERSONAL RESPONSE
 
knowing that ...I then know that what I hear and "they" say comes from THEM...even if directed at me..
 
such as an abuse issue may trigger them to say something to me which has nothing to do with me but is their response..or a crap realtionship brings another tirad or maybe negativity ..
and then know "hay this is WHERE my shit comes from"..another relationship..a previous negative experience... a postive one..oops not about them..
 
as well if they are saying it is to do with me and them I need ot look at HOW I have contributed to the situation my 50% and OWN it..and they can own theirs..
 
also I have learned if I hear the same thing from 2+ ppl about me I better take a L[&:][&:]K....

 
take what you want and leave the rest[:D]

 
GQ
ps..re: personal experience comes personal response.
a cartoon
2 mice looking at an art work painting of cheese 
ONE says
"Well I don't know much about art but I know what I like."[&:]



NorthernGent -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 1:09:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

If it was ever a problem for you, can you share some of the ways that have been helpful to you in improving this particular skill?

I could try to elaborate, but I think I'd like to keep it fairly general for now.

Thanks.


No one is above criticism. It's a bitter pill to swallow when you lose your senses now and again and are afforded some much needed advice. The point is can you swallow your pride? Pride comes before a fall and all that.

Skill? Reason is the skill - no one is above criticism and there's no shame in needing a wake up call now and again.




pahunkboy -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 1:19:56 PM)

my worst mistakes have been when I violated my own standards.

criticism is dicey.     Today- I live with all the decisions I made over the years.  As do you.  So "constructive" criticism can be like the weather.  Small talk.



DesFIP -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 5:04:03 PM)

If you overreact to criticism, and you'll know that because people will tell you that, then you need to figure out where the reaction comes from. And then remind yourself that this isn't the third grade teacher who make an example of you every day to the rest of the class.

If you can't separate your self from your actions, then it may be helpful to talk to a professional. It's feeling shamed, as though you are a worthless person instead of guilt which says you did a piss poor job and didn't live up to your own standards. Shame is never good.



kdsub -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 6:56:13 PM)

There is no doubt...criticism can hurt…especially if it is personal and something that you have invested time in.

I try to first control my temper…I fail on occasion…just try not to let the person criticizing see you loose your cool.

I then at least try to understand why they are criticizing and if the criticism is valid… They may be trying to help and your reactions should be different if that’s the case. Another reaction may be appropriate if you determine the criticism is valid. And yet another if the criticism is vindictive.

Assuming the criticism is valid a trick I have learned is to ask the person criticizing how they would change what you are doing. Often when people are forced to stop criticizing a problem and start solving one they quickly understand your position and problems. This will usually stop the criticism and if you are lucky provide constructive help.

If nothing else if they have no answer they will stop criticizing you.

Butch



servantforuse -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 7:13:30 PM)

Sometimes the truth hurts.



cpK69 -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 7:22:52 PM)

~fr~

Any time a situation is the cause for undesirable emotional responses, I look for a previous situation (the earliest I can remember), where I had a similar emotional response. Then I work toward understanding my response to that situation.

The concentration of the technique is on the response, not whether or not there is truth in what is said, due to my belief that undesirable emotional responses tend to stem from perception, not truth.

Kim



servantforuse -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 7:38:53 PM)

Say what ??



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 7:41:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

Thank you both for those thoughts - I will consider them more later, but right now I'm preparing to disengage from the computer and move onto other tasks.

What prompted the question, I think, was ... that I often read people complain about harsh treatment on the forums. For instance, I recall a thread a while back where there were two or three pages of replies to a post, and 95% of the replies were "constructive". The original poster, however, focused on the minority of negative replies and concluded that they would never post again, so jarring was the experience.

I would typically reply in a case like that that "you have to be able to take some criticism..."

But then, I'm not sure how one actually learns to do that.

Online criticism is generally not so much a problem for me, I think - I can get annoyed, but ultimately I don't invest too much energy in "being right" or appearing cool and unflappable (tho some who know me might be of a different opinion!)

In real life, tho, there are still areas where I can have buttons pushed and react without thinking.

I'm improving as I age, but it's still something I'd like to work on more.

It just occurred to me that I don't have too much of a concept really thought out about how to go about that. Not much ready to hand.

So I was wondering if others had thoughts along those lines.


I discovered years ago that I was always right.

Since then, it became much clearer to me that those people who disagreed with me, were simply morons.



Drakontos -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 8:38:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

If it was ever a problem for you, can you share some of the ways that have been helpful to you in improving this particular skill?

I could try to elaborate, but I think I'd like to keep it fairly general for now.

Thanks.

Handling criticism. This slave has spent much of her life 'handling' the criticism of others; both in real life and online. Over the course of zaphira's life, she has been told that she is weak, has no backbone, is a mental case, a robot, and at one time, was even told that it was obvious that this slave had been brainwashed. Of course, those telling zaphira these things were of course, telling her for her own good; to her face no less.
zaphira will not even say what has been said to her online; it is much worse than that of the face to face conversations.

zaphira finally began to realize that it was fear of the unknown that drove these people to 'try and help' her and that becoming upset over what is said does zaphira no good. Once zaphira accepted that they did not want to understand that which they feared, she was able to let the criticism just roll right off her without leaving an impact at all.

People are people; they will think what they wish, say what they believe is the right thing to say; all in the guise of 'helping'. You can not change people; but what's more is the fact that other people can not live your life for you. Their criticism is nothing more than an attempt to control another's life so that it fits in with what they do not fear.

Now, naturally, what zaphira has described above is destructive criticism; meant to destroy.
Constructive criticism, on the other hand, can be healthy and at times is actually necessary.

Perhaps, the key to 'handling' it, is in being able to decipher the intent behind it.



Delphinus -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 9:02:39 PM)

I have learned to welcome criticism for any one of the reasons below, dependent on the situation. 

1. It is an interaction with someone that I don't often get to experience.  How many times will somebody actually incite a response in me like one who is being critical?  It's a well of emotions that I don't tap into often.  I enjoy different types of interaction, even if the dialogue is not enjoyable. 

2. I like having to get over myself.  I like having to make the mental leap to hostile-free acceptance of their point of view.  It's almost cleansing, to be able to finally let go of those defenses I didn't realize I had and say "She's right, I'm not as ________ as I could be."  I like the feeling of being humbled a bit.  I'm very accepting of others, but can be oddly arrogant at the same time.  I kind of like being taken down a few notches. 

3. If someone is being mean and critical, I look at it as an opportunity to be extra nice to that person. (Um - only if that person is part of my life.  I don't even bother at all if it's someone I will never talk to again.) There is a reason why that person is putting someone down to make themselves feel better.  That person doesn't need me retaliating or being hurt by what he or she has said.  That person needs me to turn the other cheek. 

Since I've made the conscious decision to welcome criticism as an internal opportunity for growth (and it has been a few years now), I find I am much more at peace.  It's really okay, so much more okay than it ever has been before, to hear that I might need some fixing, and I embrace the fact that I have faults.

Okay, all of this being said, I do know that sometimes, a jerk is just a jerk.  Sometimes criticism is not meant to be constructive at all, and so I take the view of option 3, above.  But I do sometimes wonder (and I say this general phrase a lot, so maybe I've written this on the boards before) - at what point does my acceptance become complacency?  Am I not defending myself against undue attack?  Well...I believe my world is defined by my internal reaction to external stimuli.  I have found a way to find some pleasure in something most people dislike.  (Um..even though the "pleasure" is the forcing of my emotions to get past .....oh jeez, look at me trying to explain to a BDSM crowd that sometimes "pleasure" doesn't always feel pleasant.  Never mind...)

Anyway, I would say, work on changing how you view what is being said to you - turn it into something good for you. 



pahunkboy -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 9:10:14 PM)

one of my old friends I hadn't seen in a few years.   the first sentence out of her mouth- OH MY GOD_ you have aged!    (nevermind that she did as well)  

I thought hmmmmmmmm.  We could use a lesson in charm school.



Jeptha -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 9:19:26 PM)

Some inneresting points here which I'll think about more.

One thing bouncing around inside my noggin; When I do feel my emotional response is incommensurate with what's actually going on in the here-and-now, I do wonder if that is because of some earlier "trauma" , i.e.; the psychoanalytic model.

Recognizing that is useful.

But do you think that's all there is to it?

I mean, you still have to deal creatively with the situation in the here-and-now, right?

Or, does the awareness that "I'm reacting this way because of some event in my past" simply defuse (diffuse?) the situation so that you're able to act impeccably rationally?

Anyhoo, I like the idea of trying to take the other's perspective - in whatever measure one is able.

Toward that end the technique of asking the critic to elaborate or clarify is useful, I guess.

Business philosophy had adopted the mantra "assume best intentions" a few years back. I'm not sure if that resonates with me completely, but I did hear something that is a "sort of" variant; that people do what they think is best.

Hard to fault them for that - tho you may disagree with the specifics of their actions.



Jeptha -> RE: Handling criticism... (6/3/2009 9:22:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

I discovered years ago that I was always right.

Since then, it became much clearer to me that those people who disagreed with me, were simply morons.

An excellent resolution (that in bold) that I shall adopt forthwith!



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