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Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 4:26:01 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		If I can't find what I want, I'll fix what comes close...
 
I have as of late seen a rash of what I call the Mrs Fixits ( I am sure that there are also more than a few Mr Fixits too)--those Dominants who feel that their Dominance is enough to make a grown person change major elements of a subs life---things like not smoking, losing weight, kicking drinking, getting off drugs ( I have also has more then a few write to say they are sure with the right Dominant they would be inspired to change xxx).  Now I do have some experience with this, I was a Mrs Fixit for about 6 months, to Me the problems were minor, what I miscalculated was the person's lack of self motivation being major--so several thousand dollars later, days of migraines and an almost shattered family relationship, I showed him the train and vowed never to try that stunt again.
 
I am just as sure that there are the random cases of dramatic change at the direction of a Dominant, but for the most part, I think its rare. Maybe its My age and the era I'm entering that I feel, hey if you haven't gotten the balls to fix it yourself, you sure aren't going to do it for Me--or maybe I'm just cynical---is it from a feeling that the submissive will be more devoted? More comitted? The bond will be stronger?  Is it the white knight or hero complex?
 
Inquiring minds want to know...

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 5:20:53 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think it goes with, or is at least related to, the whole white knight thing.

I just know that I haven't got the patience to fix anyone right now. I am going through a period of really loving my life the way it is. Peaceful, no crazy drama, and calm. I have wonderful people in my life, lots of love and joy. Only two things would make it tons easier, more time and more money. I am almost afraid of trying to bring a sub/slave into my life right now. I don't want to upset the balance. If I do, they are going to have to show me from the beginning that they are going to enhance my life, otherwise I am not interested. Being Mrs Fixit is just a burden I am sooooooo not in the mood for right now.

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 5:28:42 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		I agree.it's the white knight hero. I think the saying you can't help somebody that doesn't want to help themselves is timeless.

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 7:19:50 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		At one point, I probably would have loved a Mrs Fixit, but at some point I started to realize there were things in my life that needed fixing without needing a woman to come along and make things better. Sure, one would have been great, but instead I realized there were things missing in my life, and I needed to interject those things into my life. So, I started studying different things I'd never planned on before, and I went back to school, and I found myself learning a lot more about myself and things of which I'd never realized I was capable.

When I first started doing it, I used to tell myself I was doing it so that when I finally did find the right woman, she would have the best specimen possible. Then, I just continued doing it because I realized that I kind of liked the idea of learning new things and taking care of problems so they are not problems anymore. Quite often, I ended up becoming the white knight in the life of others, and while that can be cool at times, I started to see that from another angle, realizing that sometimes when I was taking care of someone else's problems, I was robbing them of the ability to grow themselves. So, I kind of avoid that now. Don't me wrong. I'll help someone out in a bind. But I won't try to fix their life based on my projection of what their life should be. That doesn't mean I won't offer advice when asked for it, but it does mean that unlike some Socratic know it all who gets involved in everyone else's business, I realize that sometimes people aren't looking for solutions, but sometimes just need a friend to talk to, or someone to listen.

This may sound strange, but I'm a lot more mellow these days than I used to be.


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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 7:41:58 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		You know, Cat, it can come from either side of the kneel.  As an example, a Master might support a slave's losing weight while at the same time the slave is working to help him be more healthy in some way, or doing her best to remove as many sources of stress as possible for him.  He may be helping her to heal old emotional wounds while she is playing a literal "fix-it woman" around the house. 

I have seen many people who enjoy coming to the rescue.  I think that the true key is in balance.  It's one thing to give a person a ride to the grocery store when their vehicle is broken down; another to feel like you are going to "save" a person from themselves.  I truly enjoy the moments in my life when I get to come to someone's rescue but they are generally acts that don't take long even though they are extremely important at that moment.  I've learned to give up on things like trying to help an alcoholic stop drinking.  On the other side of the coin, I want no one to "fix" me but gratefully acknowledge that I have overcome problems and made positive changes due to someone caring enough to support and guide me.


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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 9:20:35 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I limit my white knight.  I will support for a short time so that no dependency for me is built.  I will lead to links, networking to agencies or helps and offer a friendly directional chat and they must take it from there.

I think I started this before online and computers and lots of things being talked about publically.  Now there is so much information and such out there, that there is no reason a person cannot be informed if they want to be.  If they don't take an interest in their own benefit or health then the symptoms of whatever are not the problem and the root problem is them and they need to do the work themself and I have no  interest in wasting my time and energy trying to deal with something they fail to do.

Someone lazy in their own life has no appeal for me in any manner.

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 9:43:23 AM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		If a person has a major addiction or mental health issue, he/she can't or won't fix it for a Mistress.  But for minor to moderate issues, I believe that a good domme could make a slave modify behavior.  For me, if my Mistress told me that if I lost five pounds, I could have my chastity device removed and have an orgams, you better believe I would stick to my diet.  Or if she told me I would be rewarded for finishing a certain project, I would be much more motivated to get it done.

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 9:52:58 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		I dislike the phrase "white knight".  Whenever people use it, it seems to imply that if you are willing to help others, or fight for others, you're somehow deluded and your efforts are useless.  I don't feel this way, never have.  I do believe people can change their lives and I do believe that they can free themselves from abuse, if someone makes it clear that they are worth it.

On the other hand, I have no interest in rescuing people who do not want to be rescued and "fixing" people who do not want to be fixed.  I know from reading the posts here that there are a few submissives who expect their dominants to magically solve all of their problems, and give them the motivation to beat all their demons, large and small:  they apparently have WAY too much faith in the power of being told what to do.  I don't have too much confidence that those men and women can be helped, given that sometimes even the first steps toward achieving their goals haven't been taken.

I think it's more than possible for a dominant to help someone beat an addiction or a bad habit.  Our society is full of non-sexual vanilla dominants who do it all the time:  they're called priests and counselors.  It's also possible for a dominant to help someone change their diet, lose weight, exercise, and train their bodies to do all sorts of crazy things:  again, there are non-sexual vanilla dominants who do it all the time.  They're called coaches and personal trainers.

I would never say that a bdsm dominant couldn't achieve the same results that non-sexual vanilla dominants achieve, given the talent and the force of will.  The problem is that success is also largely dependent on the will of the submissive partner to succeed.  Both parties are bending their wills toward  a shared goal.  I think that you have to be very realistic about whether both partners in a relationship are on the same page before you try to "fix" either one of them. 




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"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/25/2009 5:34:37 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		FR, after read thru

This thread reminds me of my favorite lightbulb joke: how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to wanna change . . . . . .

I tend to think of one of the parameters we're discussing here as 'rescuer syndrome' . . . . . & my thinking on that has been particularly focused by:

"Nice People are usually "rescuers" who gravitate toward taking care of others. We rescue somebody each time we withhold or distort our true feelings to avoid hurting or upsetting the other person. We do the same thing when we go along with something when we really don't want to. What we usually don't realize is that in rescuing others we treat them as helpless victims who can't take care of themselves. Rescuing, except in instances when someone genuinely needs help, is actually a subtle put-down." (from: "Anal Pleasure & Health", by Jack Morin (Down There Press, 1998), pages 146. Emphasis mine.)

The issues around this that are particularly relevant to me at this point in my life are that I've experienced being a 'rescuer' as well as a rescuee, & that when I'm in rescuer mode it tends to have way more to do with (frequently unacknowledged) desire to avoid dealing with my own stuff by fixating on someone else's problems. The it's-safer-to-fix-you-over-there-as-opposed-to-plunging-into-my-own-stuff thing; sometimes it's more comfortable, too. & similarly when I've been in rescuee mode it's had heavy connotations of wanting someone to 'fix me', of feeling helpless, & such like . .. . . .

As antidote I've been embarking on a deliberate course of emphasizing the self-centeredness in my conception of myself as an 'altruistically selfish' being, on taking care of my own needs, desires, issues, et alia, independent of anyone else in the world. To be the font of love, support, succor, affirmation, & so on that I have sought from the external world in the past . . . . .

For me, the white knight thing has always had more the connotation of wanting to save the world & make it a better place, tho' I tend to refer to it myself as having 'Boy / Grrl Scout' tendencies (regardless of gender, it's more about the innocent idealism of childhood as epitomized in Scouting) . . . . . & , yes, the 'white knight' / 'boy scout' probably has some of that I'll-avoid-dealing-with-my-own-stuff-by-saving-the-world thing going on, but I'm more of a sucker for that kinda 'nobility' & grandiosity, lol . . .. . . . .

These days I'm looking for more of a Sancho-Panza-&-Don-Quixote dynamic, lol, self-aware 'co-dependent enablers' of reckless kindness & random beauty, rather than 'rescuers' . . . . . . .

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The Verbossinator

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/26/2009 5:49:33 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		ShaktiSama,
I agree, I've had a few men I've dated (and friends) who've really helped me make changes in a lot of positive ways, and I've been able to support them as well. I think there is a huge difference between offering support and guidance while they make changes, and trying to rescue them/do it for them. It doesn't necessarily involve any D/s interaction.

For example, one of my partners, who is a Top, had a mild phobia of needles. He asked me to help him get over it. So, I got a couple of needles, and syringes without needles, and we gradually desensitised him to being around them. I didn't do any needle play with him, just helped him feel less anxious being around them. A different partner had a phobia of spiders, so we likewise took a few approaches to help him feel more relaxed around them (looking at pictures, visiting the local insect zoos, etc.). I've helped a couple of guys with dieting/exercise, but only in a supportive way, when they *requested* my help, rather than me ordering them to loose x pounds. Friends of mine have helped me be less anxious and more outgoing in large groups of strangers, to get more comfortable with public speaking, etc.

(in reply to DemonKia)
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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/26/2009 8:15:36 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Okay a phobia is different.  I allow one for myself because I am never going to like a snake.  So depending on a phobia... some are allowed!

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/26/2009 9:01:10 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		We as a whole household support our members in personal changes and improvements they are trying to make. However, that's supporting them in their own personal work, not doing it for them or telling them what to do. We all wish my husband would stop smoking, but until he signs up on the project, it's no good trying.

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/27/2009 4:45:57 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Giving somebody the initial push, encouraging them and helping them to achieve a change in their life is great and not restricted to BDSM, but the person needs to have the will to change something and put an effort in.

A lot of people are addicted to fixing and getting fixed, it's a co-dependency that can make matters worse for all parties included

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Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/29/2009 2:14:31 AM   
flowerchicknz


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/23/2009
Status: offline 		I've had one of my bad bad things (no details, it's that bad) cured by a truly awesome switch Dom hearing it slip out, pause, then say the one thing that made it suddenly seem silly and inconsequential.

It's basic buddhism, that to achieve enlightenment you either use reincarnation to spend a billion years meditating away on it, or have the one heroic thought that gives it to you, straight away. And BDSM isn't just power exchange, it's thought exchange, it's soul exchange. When you're theirs, you see the world through their eyes. You are their muppet. No laughing, it's his analogy and he's a fister too so it sort of works.

BDSM can be used to change people, but your fix is either obvious, or you have to spend many many hours at it. Waste many hours. Maybe all your life with no result.

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/29/2009 4:27:40 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

I always figured myself for a rescuer, boy scout, Snow Ranger (sorry, had to throw that in) type.  What I am not is a "White Knight."   I will help extricate you from some silly predicament or another that you find yourself in.  If you're hurt, I will help get you to the ambulance or the (BLANKETY BLEEP) helicopter.  After that...?

Being a  Fixit type is outside my TAOR and beyond my KSA's

There is a difference between rescue and repair

Respectfully.
Mike
waitingforSnowRanger


_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

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RE: Mrs Fixit - 5/30/2009 9:09:14 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

I don't think it's much different than any male outside of bdsm. I heard a great quote from one of the Mistresses I work with.

"A woman marries a man hoping he'll change.
A man marries a woman hoping she won't change."

I've heard plenty of men say that the woman in his life made him a better man.

I like to think that the training I give men helps them, and most say it has. This makes me feel great.

Hope this helps.

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http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

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