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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Definition of cheating? (5/23/2009 9:02:30 AM)
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~FR~... I apologize if this is a repeat of other things already said.
My perspective on 'cheating' comes from a person who has over 30 years in the poly community and nearly 15 years in the BDSM community, so with that perspective, I see "cheating" as any activity, whether virtual or physical, that one feels compelled to hide, lie about, or sneak around doing outside of agreed upon parameters among the partners in the relationship. Regardless of the -justification- a person may use, or attempts to soft-pedal the implications, if it is done behind the backs of those one is in a relationship with, and if it is done without whatever is considered "complete disclosure" for the relationship that one is in it is 'cheating'. What full disclosure is may vary widely between relationships. For some, it may include 'dont-ask-don't-tell' scenarios where all one has to have is the agreement between those involved that there will be dating/play outside the marriage and that nobody needs to tell with whom or why or when -- just have the acknowledgment that it is going to happen agreed on between them. For others, play or dating may only be able to happen outside the existing relationships when everyone in that existing relationship has had a chance to meet the new person, 'vet' hir, and agree that it is ok to go further. On the distant extreme, there may be the relationship were NO outside contact away from the original group/couple is allowed by their mutual agreement. From there to the completely open, no-worries grouping, there is a broad range of possibilities in between the two extremes.
Whatever you agree to, those are the rules by which whether something is cheating have to be determined. If someone wants to change the rules, those changes can't be autonomous... everyone in the relationship has to at least be informed and have the choice as to whether to continue the relationship or walk away considering the change in rules. Now in some cases, there is a prior agreement that says "so-and-so can do whatever xhe wants and change the rules as xhe sees fit without informing anyone", and if someone agreed to that, than xhe is morally bound to accept that that is -exactly- what xhe walked into and not bitch about it later... so it requires VERY careful thought FIRST, and in those cases, one is ethically bound, IMO, not to come whining later that so-and-so is seeing someone and changed the rules without telling anyone. Even in cases of complete autonomy, though, where the rules can be changed by one person without consideration of the others in the relationship, for myself I would still let those who were subordinate in the relationship know what was going on, and even take the 'relationship temperature' about the change, if only because it would make for a more peaceful, better adjusted household, with fewer resentments and petty passive-aggressive retaliation down the road, in my experience. To me, not letting those who were subordinate to me know, whether or not I -had- to do so, would -feel- like cheating, because they came to me with a certain agreement in place, and to change the rules arbitrarily and without warning seems ethically shaky in my mind. As the dominant individual, I am responsible for retaining my own code of ethics, and whether I was technically within my rights, it would still violate a personal ethic about how to manage relationships with subordinate individuals under my care.
Dame Calla
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