RE: Communication, Communication, Communication

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Communication, Communication, Communication

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/20/2009 6:54:27 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

A key issue that I had to learn (and am probably still working on) is not being reactive. In my past if someone told me something I didn't want to hear I would get defensive and attack. All that did was teach them not to tell me the truth, not to deal with difficult issues, etc. It took me a long time to not get defensive and just listen to what they had to say and allow them a safe place to talk about the hard stuff.

I didn't raise my son but now that he is 18 we are really getting to know each other. His mother controlled information as power and used it to manipulate others. She also was reactive. So the poor kid can't say anything that is hard to admit. I just made a deal with him that he has a month where he has to tell me all the things he REALLY doesn't want to tell me. My promise to him is I will just listen, no matter what it is. His pattern is once he spills it, he can talk about it but that initial telling is impossible for him.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/20/2009 7:00:29 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

i understand how your son feels.... my Master/Daddy is still working with me on this very issue... i used this analogy to help Him understand the PAIN i was in when forced to "tell"....i likened it to a dog thats been beaten everytime it takes food out of your hand....and then the dog is starved and forced to come to your hand...and this dog yelps and cries the WHOLE time getting to your hand...because while the dog is terrified of getting beaten...the dog is SO hungry it needs the food....

so yeah...i get it.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/20/2009 8:36:02 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Probably because it's much more cut and dried. It's not too difficult to explain the *whats* of a punishment dynamic but a lot harder to go into the whys. Few people go into whys beyond the basics. (including myself)

Every single person here will say that *communication is key*......Not ONE person would say it isn't. The quality, the type and it's effectiveness relies on the people themselves and all the variables that take place because of that.

agirl

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/20/2009 7:59:00 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Communication is asking questions, and caring about the answers. Communication is listening carefully, and replying thoughtfully. Communication is ALWAYS better when your heart is open, and rarely successful if even a hint of anger is present. If you feel you can hold the hand of the person you're talking to, you're doing it right; it's not about sex, or romance, it's about giving a damn about the person you're speaking with.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 2:02:18 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

FR, after read thru

Good stuff so far, folks -- thanks for your contributions!

I have a 'communication pet peeve', one that really bugs the heck out of me & is a big turn-off:

Complaining as a communication style.

That's how I label it in my head. In my opinion a chunk of the population learns to complain as their basic communication style, in which cases pretty much everything comes out as complaint.

As with so many things I think this is one of those things that really annoys me because I can be given to doing this myself, tho' I work hard to frame my communications more 'positively' . . . . . I can get bogged down in negativity, & a key tool for dealing with that has been re-training myself to emphasize the positive, to state things in more thankful or praiseful, or even just neutral, terms . . . .. .

The occasional complaint is one thing, but if pretty much everything that comes out of someone's mouth is a complaint, that's a whole other thing . .. . . . & when two or more complaining-as-communication types are conversing I tend to leave, physically or mentally . . .. .

< Message edited by DemonKia -- 5/21/2009 2:04:07 PM >

(in reply to Stephann)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 2:15:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

A couple of random thoughts.

One is that whole "communication is more important in bdsm than in vanilla". No it isn't. Relationship skills are relationship skills are relationship skills. If you're going to live with someone for 50 content years, you need to learn to communicate.

Two: cultural styles. Someone complained about people who complain. Well, in traditional Yiddish speaking homes, this is how you phrase things. With pessimism. So if you come from a "if you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all" home, you aren't going to be good at addressing problems. Instead you'll just let them fester until you blow up, often with the relationship. And if your partner comes from a home where cynicism, sarcasm, pessimism is how things are addressed and you don't speak that same language, you will be unhappy because you won't get enough positive reinforcement of the sort you need.

Language and culture influence communication enormously. If you don't understand the language and usage you speak, don't expect your partner to.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DemonKia)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 2:50:02 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
One is that whole "communication is more important in bdsm than in vanilla". No it isn't. Relationship skills are relationship skills are relationship skills. If you're going to live with someone for 50 content years, you need to learn to communicate.

WOW! I almost feel like I've hit the jackpot this is so rare. But I disagree. It is my observation that at least for Carol and I, the level of control I exert over her has definitely required much better communication skills than what got us by before that. We communicated well before. But now, things get to the surface much more quickly and they are then dispositioned more efficiently. We're just better at it. I would find it creepy to have this much control without WAY better access to her thoughts than I had previously (and I suspect she'd feel the same way in reverse).

Now, whether that generalizes out to the rest of the M/s community I don't know but I would speculate so. The dynamic I'm thinking of would certainly apply less in the D/s community but I'd still expect it there.

I know it's not fashionable to say that anything at all is different between a 'vanilla' relationship and a D/s one, but that is just plain not true. And, predictably, if they are different, then those differences are going to impose different strengths and weaknesses on the relationship and require different coping skills.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 3:50:53 PM

Drakontos

Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

One is that whole "communication is more important in bdsm than in vanilla". No it isn't. Relationship skills are relationship skills are relationship skills. If you're going to live with someone for 50 content years, you need to learn to communicate.

zaphira agrees but also disagrees. She discounts the 'vanilla and D/s" relationship terms; but would instead say that communication does differ from relationship to relationship. When zaphira was younger, she required a different form of communication that what Master requires now. Her other relationships required a different form of communication than what she needed when she was younger,and from what Master requires. Neither are more important than the other; just different.

zaphira will be honest. The communication that exists in this home is based mainly on this slaves ability to be obedient. If Master tells this slave to do something, and she does not agree; she does it anyway. zaphira does not ask why; she just obeys. Much of this is achieved because before she begged her collar, Master made sure that zaphira understood that his word was not to be questioned under any circumstances.

If zaphira has a issue that she needs clarification or advice on; Master is always available to discuss the issue with her. But, if he has already given the order, zaphira has no choice but to obey at that time.

< Message edited by Drakontos -- 5/21/2009 3:51:51 PM >

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 4:28:13 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
One is that whole "communication is more important in bdsm than in vanilla". No it isn't. Relationship skills are relationship skills are relationship skills. If you're going to live with someone for 50 content years, you need to learn to communicate.

WOW! I almost feel like I've hit the jackpot this is so rare. But I disagree. It is my observation that at least for Carol and I, the level of control I exert over her has definitely required much better communication skills than what got us by before that. We communicated well before. But now, things get to the surface much more quickly and they are then dispositioned more efficiently. We're just better at it. I would find it creepy to have this much control without WAY better access to her thoughts than I had previously (and I suspect she'd feel the same way in reverse).

Now, whether that generalizes out to the rest of the M/s community I don't know but I would speculate so. The dynamic I'm thinking of would certainly apply less in the D/s community but I'd still expect it there.

I know it's not fashionable to say that anything at all is different between a 'vanilla' relationship and a D/s one, but that is just plain not true. And, predictably, if they are different, then those differences are going to impose different strengths and weaknesses on the relationship and require different coping skills.

You were doing okay before, but if your communication level then was as good as it is now, you would have done better before. And I don't get how it would have been creepy to have understood each other that much more in a vanilla relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/21/2009 4:56:20 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You were doing okay before, but if your communication level then was as good as it is now, you would have done better before.

*nods* That's a given. It's hard to see how you could be too good at communication skills *laughs*. But that's not exactly my point. What I meant to say was (and now I'll speak only and specifically to Carol and I) our vanilla marriage mandated a lower level of performance in the area of communication skills and we rose to that lower bar. This relationship mandates more and so we have risen to same. Sure, it would've been better to just start right out at this level of communication skills, but it didn't happen that way to us and there was little forcing more than we had.

While anyone can, of course, do anything whenever they want, a clear and compelling need often sharpens our focus.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Our And I don't get how it would have been creepy to have understood each other that much more in a vanilla relationship.

Yeah, that only works one way. More is better no matter what. But the level of communication we had wouldve been insufficient for my peace of mind if nothing else for what we are doing now.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Communication, Communication, Communication - 5/27/2009 2:43:27 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

As I see it there are different ways to dominate.
1 I get my way or else.
2 We talk about it and then I make a decision.
3 We agree that what I say goes at the beginning of the relationship.
4 A mixture of the above depending on the circumstances.
I prefer the second most of the time because there may be something I haven't thought about or don't know about but sometimes I don't have the time or the patience to talk it through.

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 31